For A Buck I Can Flush My Life Down The Toilet

Pain Pills
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Getting sober is tough. During my first year it seemed that nothing came easily. There was no gentle fog to slip into when life got difficult. Minor relationship issues would get blown out of proportion and I was utterly ill equipped to deal with people and situations without my artificial life support system. People kept promising that it would get better, but you wouldnt know it to look at me.

I tended to over react in most every situation. I simply lacked the basic tools of human interaction that a normal adult possesses. It is easy to be laid back when you can escape into the fog. Without the help of the drugs, every little bump in lifes road became a major issue.

The year I got sober was not a good one for the economy. My employer began downsizing, and my strange emotional behavior made me an easy target. I lost my job when I had 9 months sober, and that of course led to countless financial issues, including the impending foreclosure on my home.

I found an office and began sitting at a desk watching the cobwebs grown on my phone. How do you define a high bottom addict? He is the one who loses everything after he got sober. Those were dark days indeed.

Christmas approached and with it, my mood swings got worse. That season seemed to drive home just how alone and vulnerable I felt. They said things would get better, and here I was jobless, facing foreclosure, my old using friends were nowhere to be found and so far, I really had not made an effort to make new friends in recovery.

It was against this backdrop that I decided to bolt. I had gone to a meeting on Christmas day only to get in a nasty confrontation with another recovering addict who was having as bad a day as me. I stormed out of the meeting room, vowing never to return again. That had been the last straw. There was nowhere to turn.

As fate would have it, on the very next day, I received a check in the mailmy first fee for my first case. Now a mature responsible adult would have diverted every penny of this money to bailing his home out of hock. Me, I uttered the short version of the serenity prayer (f**k it) called a stranger that I had met a year ago in San Francisco area and told him I was flying out to attend some rock shows. His reaction surprised me. He told me he had been clean and sober for two years and invited me to stay at his home.

I hopped a flight at the last moment and as I ran to the airport gate, sweating profusely from running the length of the airport to catch my flight, the airline attendant smiled, and without a word, upgraded my flight to First Class. And so it was, I was off to California.

Slowly, more small miracles began to happen. Tickets for the show, which had been sold out for weeks, found their way into my hands, at cost, as if by magic. My newfound friend introduced me to three others, all with about two years recovery, and they welcomed me with open arms. We attended the shows, we went to meetings, we shared about recovery. We stayed clean and sober.

Many years have passed and I heard from one of my old friends just last night. He had written to check in on me, as he did frequently throughout my cancer treatments apparently I had not returned a voice mail. These things happen when you are a recovering cancer patient. I returned his note while sitting in the very home that I had nearly lost to foreclosure all those years ago.

I remembered back to that first weekend together. My friend and I were standing on line to go to the rock show amidst the carnival like atmosphere of 25,000 Deadheads getting up for the New Years Eve show. Ah, temptation was literally everywhere. As we stood on a line, a vendor came strolling by offering his goods for a dollar a hit. My friend looked at me and smiled and said For a buck, I can flush my entire life down the toilet. I think it was at that very moment that I realized that drinking and drugging were no longer an option for me.

What is the moral of this little story? Well, judge for yourself. For me it was simple: Never give up before the miracles begin to happen. Oh, and go to meeting even if you think they are lame.
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August, Thankyou for you posting your story.. I have often ask how myself how will it will get better,, it seems like just since I have made a decision to try to get off the pills everything is happening... Your story was truely and inspiration to me, Thank you..
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Thank you August West. I think that I am finding my way as one of those high bottom alchies...I just hope I don't lose everything in sobriety...
But, thank you for the message...I really don't want to waste life "for some silly little buzz in the head."
Kerry
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Respect.
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August:

I loved that, thank you. I went to meetings even though I thought they were lame. Today I go and I don't think they are lame, anymore. A shift in perception? I think so.

Rachel
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I went to meetings, I quit. I went back. I quit. Now I'm back and have the longest period of clean time, ever. Is there something to this? duh.

Thank you August and like None says, nothing but respect.

I hope this means you will be posting more often now.

xxx
Cowgirl
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Thank you,that was very inspiring.It gives us all hope!~KIM
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August,

Amen, brother. Thank you for sharing. Do you have those shows on tape/cd? If not, let me know the year and I'll get them to you.

I'm also a high-bottom addict, though it's approaching rapidly. The business I tried to start does not look like it's going to be successful raising venture capital, and I've been without salary for over a year, and am in tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt. (Yet I'm still hoping to find a way to get to Red Rocks next month to see Phil...)

Thanks again for posting and giving us newbies the hope that we need.

Matt
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Great, great story. Every bit of me wonders what the big deal with this whole sobriety thing is. So far it sucks. But I know as did you to hang on. Luckily, I've not lost everything except my self-respect, but I'm SO happy your life has turned out to be good to you. God Bless You...you inspired many today! Beck
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That was fantastic....it breathes hope.
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Thank you for posting this August. Like Lisa said, I hope this means that you are going to start posting more on this board. You always make me think.
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Sharon, and Lisa, thanks for your kind words. I'll try to pop in from time to time, though I suspect that I will not resume the level of activity I had while coping with my cancer last year. It is nice to be able to maintain contact given the help that this site provided me through that ordeal.

Cadedhed, thanks for your kind offer, but as someone who taped shows for several years, it would be fair to say that I am swimming in an ocean of bootlegs. If however, you want to check out a great show, I would heartily recomend 12.28/88. If you could get me a copy of that, well, I would be grateful. I was having some trouble focusing on things like decks and microphones that evening.

All the best,

August