Hi babe, tinman here 4 ya,
So She's done it again, yeah?
Back on the gear- what was that after she spent the weekend with her friend who is a dealer i suppose, or hanging about with the only people who will want to hang out with her - other users, so of course she is gonna use aint she, if they are all using then she will most definatley use, i know that from my own experiences.
I can give you advice about this because I feel like you an your daughter have the same kinda relationship I had with my mum, a truly loving one - she cared about me so much an was there to support me through all the good times and the bad too. She never let me down an always said that whatever else I might be or become i am always her son an that ain't never gonna change,
"I will always be your mum", she said, "other things may change, come and go , but at the end of the day I love you and that love will never die an I will never stop caring and worrying for you until the day that I die".
Well she has died now, two months to the day, an i still here those words daily, and i know that your daughter will here you saying them to her too, just chill my darlin' an everything will come good in the end.
Like i said in other post it isn't gonna be easy - NO WAY,is it EVER gonna be easy, but you an her will get there and then you will have your little girl back,
Its true that once your daughter is an addict then you are one too , or at least it feels like that way to you, coz you are going through all the sh*t that she is, but the difference is you aint getting no drugs to take away that sh** -
Just keep strong for yourself mainly, and secondly for her, don't just dis-own her but let her no that you aint gonna take no more, for the sake of your mental health, you cant takle no mre sh** off of her, tell her to be truthfiul to you, if she is back on the gear, let her know that you still love her, and no matter what she does you always will, just let her know that when she is ready then you will be there for her, but you have gotta stay to the same rules throught out, an if she falls down dont pick her up, let her go, i know its hard but you have to, my mum kept pickin' me up an it done me more harm than good - TRUST ME, if someone keeps bailing you out and helping you with gear then you are always gonna keep takin' and taking till there is nothing left to take apart from your sanity, Christina.
You gotta just let her fall on her own until she falls so far that she reaches the bottom where she has NOT yet been...an then she will know THIS IS THE TIME, NOW I AM READY...
An so will begin that hard hard struggle up to the top again, she WILL do it I know she will, if she's anything like her mum then she aint STUPID!!
Keep your chin UP girly...
LULz
TMUK
TINman that was very thoughtful..mom's are special people.
Yeh afraid she has Tinman just when I thought she finally really wanted off it.
The night before she left I told her I wasn't going to take any more s*** off her and if she was going to do it she was going to have to be straight with me. I did tell her I love her and will always be here for her but she just "went off on one" saying why had she come to the doctor "with me" if she didnt want it, that I never trusted her and didnt believe her so what was the point - this all started to sound rather familiar.
In my heart I knew right then that she hadn't actually reached the point of wanting off the gear - not yet. But still I hung on to the slightest hope that maybe I'd read the signs wrong. I knew I hadn't but yet again I just wanted it soooo bad for her..
What hurt most was she just left on Saturday morning without even saying goodbye to me, she's never done that before........I havent heard from her since and havn't contacted her.
Should I let her know I'm here for her if she needs me or just stand back???? I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing.
You are a top guy Tinman and have been a constant support and friend to me.. and thanks Zerogirl ya right Tinman is so thoughtful.
By the way how did you get on with your blood tests and when do you get your results. I've been praying for you big time here!
Luv n hugs
Christina x
The night before she left I told her I wasn't going to take any more s*** off her and if she was going to do it she was going to have to be straight with me. I did tell her I love her and will always be here for her but she just "went off on one" saying why had she come to the doctor "with me" if she didnt want it, that I never trusted her and didnt believe her so what was the point - this all started to sound rather familiar.
In my heart I knew right then that she hadn't actually reached the point of wanting off the gear - not yet. But still I hung on to the slightest hope that maybe I'd read the signs wrong. I knew I hadn't but yet again I just wanted it soooo bad for her..
What hurt most was she just left on Saturday morning without even saying goodbye to me, she's never done that before........I havent heard from her since and havn't contacted her.
Should I let her know I'm here for her if she needs me or just stand back???? I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing.
You are a top guy Tinman and have been a constant support and friend to me.. and thanks Zerogirl ya right Tinman is so thoughtful.
By the way how did you get on with your blood tests and when do you get your results. I've been praying for you big time here!
Luv n hugs
Christina x
Glad i am of help to sum one Christina babe, it gives me some sort of reason for keeping on, when at times i feel like giving up.
Of course let her know, she knows anyway i would have thought, that you are there for her, but let her know that you aint gonna be taken 4 no cu** too.
It is so hard for ou i know, all the constant worry etc. i feel 4 you truly. no bullsh**. Coz i know how my mum worried about me an i killed her with worry in the end, i know how she felt an i still put her thru it, an i regret it now big time.
I haven't been 4 those blood tests, too scared, i'd rather not know to be honest wiv ya, but i gotta think about who i might hurt i suppose, not be so f**kin' selfish.
I just had a sh** few days, y'know,
Yesterday I just had my son tell me that i fuc**d his life up with my drug taking, he says "its like, i've got a photo in my mind, of you on drugs...all the bad things" it woz a reality chek for me, he's only eleven but his words are so true.
I just can't begin to imagine what i have done to him, i truly would do anything to change things, it f**ks my head up so bad when he says things like that to me.
An then just now i've got sum pissed bird tellin' me that she would **** the ar** off me given half the chance, and "i cant understand why you do gear" and "why are you always wanting to get out of it" she says, "me and you would be good together",
But you know what I just ain't ready, i just don't want all that sh*t again, I REALLY don't, an how can she say that to me - why do i do gear - why do you drink i felt like saying, coz my lifes F***ed thats why.
If I could have the chance to start again i would be the first on the list TRUST ME.
Oh yeah i am brilliant at dishing out advice an stuff but perhaps i wanna take a look closer to home?
SORRY!
I hope you are okay christina an are keeping on keeping on, stayin' positive.
I hope you are havin' a nice break from work too.
STAY STRONG
TINMAN.
Of course let her know, she knows anyway i would have thought, that you are there for her, but let her know that you aint gonna be taken 4 no cu** too.
It is so hard for ou i know, all the constant worry etc. i feel 4 you truly. no bullsh**. Coz i know how my mum worried about me an i killed her with worry in the end, i know how she felt an i still put her thru it, an i regret it now big time.
I haven't been 4 those blood tests, too scared, i'd rather not know to be honest wiv ya, but i gotta think about who i might hurt i suppose, not be so f**kin' selfish.
I just had a sh** few days, y'know,
Yesterday I just had my son tell me that i fuc**d his life up with my drug taking, he says "its like, i've got a photo in my mind, of you on drugs...all the bad things" it woz a reality chek for me, he's only eleven but his words are so true.
I just can't begin to imagine what i have done to him, i truly would do anything to change things, it f**ks my head up so bad when he says things like that to me.
An then just now i've got sum pissed bird tellin' me that she would **** the ar** off me given half the chance, and "i cant understand why you do gear" and "why are you always wanting to get out of it" she says, "me and you would be good together",
But you know what I just ain't ready, i just don't want all that sh*t again, I REALLY don't, an how can she say that to me - why do i do gear - why do you drink i felt like saying, coz my lifes F***ed thats why.
If I could have the chance to start again i would be the first on the list TRUST ME.
Oh yeah i am brilliant at dishing out advice an stuff but perhaps i wanna take a look closer to home?
SORRY!
I hope you are okay christina an are keeping on keeping on, stayin' positive.
I hope you are havin' a nice break from work too.
STAY STRONG
TINMAN.
Hey Tinman YOU have been such a good friend and fantastic support to me, far more than anyone I actually know, your advice has been sound man and I REALLY COULDN'T have got through this without YOU.
So......don't get putting yourself down like that I won't have it DO YOU HEAR!! You've done so well and even since I've started posting on here I've noticed a how much more positive you are in ya posts... not forgetting you've been there for me since day 1!!!!!
I reckon ya mum is looking down on you and must be so proud of how far you've come. I know it must be so heart breaking for you, knowing what you put her through, but like you've told me, its the addict NOT the person that deals all the s*** and hurt to their loved ones. You never knew or meant to hurt your mum anymore than my little girl does to me. Its taken a long time for me to accept but I have and I know your mum knew it wasn't the real you dishing out the s***.
As for the grief your son gave you yesterday, thats just his age. Unfortunately, he's entering "that stage" of no matter who, or what you are or what you do, it wouldn't be good enough and he'd give you some kind of grief BELIEVE me on that one. My son is 19 and its just a "think they know everything" stage, which lasts a long time - so be prepared. He loves you, thats why he says those kind of things, and at least he feels comfortable enough to talk to you, which loads of lads wouldn't even contemplate with their dads!!! YOU ARE A BRILL DAD and you CARE and he knows it! Have you turned your back on him NO! My kids dad wasn't half the dad for them, that you are for your son and he had NO excuses - too interested in himself!!!
The pissed bird shes in NO position to judge and ya right about the drink thats f***** evil s*** that is. Take it from someone who lived with an alcoholic for the past 20 years!!! I stayed with my husband "for the sake of my kids" what a load of s*** I've been through and it didnt get me or them very far did it. I called him "Street Angel, House Devil" coz to the outside world, work colleagues and friends hes Mr. Nice Guy and although he never laid a hand on me he did worse, he tortured me emotionally and mentally. He was lovely, when sober, but pissed was a total b******. I don't have enough time or space to go into it now but as Sarah got older, thats where things started to go wrong as she wouldn't stand by and let him get away with it - so the s*** began. I'll tell you more another day. By the way I left him last September!!!
As for YOU Tinman, don't even think about this giving up. There are too many people who care and need you so what do you reckon to sticking around my good man HEY??? Yeh!!!
You said you were having a few s*** days. and youre entitled to but hopefully youre feeling a bit brighter now. Sorry to quote you but its like you tell me hang on in there and stay strong.
Respect to you Tinman you are one hell of a guy.
Take care now
Luv n hugs
Christina
So......don't get putting yourself down like that I won't have it DO YOU HEAR!! You've done so well and even since I've started posting on here I've noticed a how much more positive you are in ya posts... not forgetting you've been there for me since day 1!!!!!
I reckon ya mum is looking down on you and must be so proud of how far you've come. I know it must be so heart breaking for you, knowing what you put her through, but like you've told me, its the addict NOT the person that deals all the s*** and hurt to their loved ones. You never knew or meant to hurt your mum anymore than my little girl does to me. Its taken a long time for me to accept but I have and I know your mum knew it wasn't the real you dishing out the s***.
As for the grief your son gave you yesterday, thats just his age. Unfortunately, he's entering "that stage" of no matter who, or what you are or what you do, it wouldn't be good enough and he'd give you some kind of grief BELIEVE me on that one. My son is 19 and its just a "think they know everything" stage, which lasts a long time - so be prepared. He loves you, thats why he says those kind of things, and at least he feels comfortable enough to talk to you, which loads of lads wouldn't even contemplate with their dads!!! YOU ARE A BRILL DAD and you CARE and he knows it! Have you turned your back on him NO! My kids dad wasn't half the dad for them, that you are for your son and he had NO excuses - too interested in himself!!!
The pissed bird shes in NO position to judge and ya right about the drink thats f***** evil s*** that is. Take it from someone who lived with an alcoholic for the past 20 years!!! I stayed with my husband "for the sake of my kids" what a load of s*** I've been through and it didnt get me or them very far did it. I called him "Street Angel, House Devil" coz to the outside world, work colleagues and friends hes Mr. Nice Guy and although he never laid a hand on me he did worse, he tortured me emotionally and mentally. He was lovely, when sober, but pissed was a total b******. I don't have enough time or space to go into it now but as Sarah got older, thats where things started to go wrong as she wouldn't stand by and let him get away with it - so the s*** began. I'll tell you more another day. By the way I left him last September!!!
As for YOU Tinman, don't even think about this giving up. There are too many people who care and need you so what do you reckon to sticking around my good man HEY??? Yeh!!!
You said you were having a few s*** days. and youre entitled to but hopefully youre feeling a bit brighter now. Sorry to quote you but its like you tell me hang on in there and stay strong.
Respect to you Tinman you are one hell of a guy.
Take care now
Luv n hugs
Christina
Christina, I second that.
Didn't hear from Tin today and got a bit worried.
We love ya TinMan. Where ya at?
Didn't hear from Tin today and got a bit worried.
We love ya TinMan. Where ya at?
Christina...
I may not be the right person 4 the job you know, coz i am just as bad as your daughter, in fact im probably so much worse, all the sh** ive done to my family..i dont really think i am in the position to be dishing out advice..specially when im goin an scoring afterwards.
Thanx 4 your words of support but i am not really the greatest of persons....not at all.
Good luck, you didnt deserve 2 have a child on SMACK.
I may not be the right person 4 the job you know, coz i am just as bad as your daughter, in fact im probably so much worse, all the sh** ive done to my family..i dont really think i am in the position to be dishing out advice..specially when im goin an scoring afterwards.
Thanx 4 your words of support but i am not really the greatest of persons....not at all.
Good luck, you didnt deserve 2 have a child on SMACK.
Hey Tinman
You know I'm not going to judge you, but whats sparked all this s*** off with you man???
I'm sorry but I don't buy all that you said about you'd rather be on gear and living your life. What kind of life??? Ok so you scored, but that doesn't mean you have to return to that way of life, just because you had a bit of a relapse.
Someone, who could give such good advice and support as you have to me, isn't a person who wants back on the s***. I just don't buy this.... and before you say how good adicts are at lying, your help to me came from the heart of a decent guy....YOU!!! not from the s**** talk.
I know you''ve had a few really s*** days and you are entitled to "fall off the straight and narrow" but please try and reflect just a little, before you do anything rash.....PLEASE?
We all love you on here, and how am I gona get my kid clean without your help and support hey???
I've just had a phone call from my daughter saying she wants to come and see me, I'd said I'd phone her later.
Who do I think of straight away to ask for advice about what I should do??? Her drug worker - NO. Tinman - YES!!!!
So here I am waiting for the guy who is decent and has a heart of gold, so come on back to us Tinman......PLEASEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Whatever you decide Tinman
Here is a BIG HUG (like the warmth of sunshine) JUST FOR YOU
LUV 2 U
Christina x
You know I'm not going to judge you, but whats sparked all this s*** off with you man???
I'm sorry but I don't buy all that you said about you'd rather be on gear and living your life. What kind of life??? Ok so you scored, but that doesn't mean you have to return to that way of life, just because you had a bit of a relapse.
Someone, who could give such good advice and support as you have to me, isn't a person who wants back on the s***. I just don't buy this.... and before you say how good adicts are at lying, your help to me came from the heart of a decent guy....YOU!!! not from the s**** talk.
I know you''ve had a few really s*** days and you are entitled to "fall off the straight and narrow" but please try and reflect just a little, before you do anything rash.....PLEASE?
We all love you on here, and how am I gona get my kid clean without your help and support hey???
I've just had a phone call from my daughter saying she wants to come and see me, I'd said I'd phone her later.
Who do I think of straight away to ask for advice about what I should do??? Her drug worker - NO. Tinman - YES!!!!
So here I am waiting for the guy who is decent and has a heart of gold, so come on back to us Tinman......PLEASEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Whatever you decide Tinman
Here is a BIG HUG (like the warmth of sunshine) JUST FOR YOU
LUV 2 U
Christina x
Hello my darlin' ...
Hope you are well Christina,
Okay - im sorry for talkin like a **** the other day - i was just having it BIG time..last week was the week from hell -
But enuff of me - how's you doin?
Whats goin' on with your lil girl?
And you ?
Tell me..
I am back 2 my old self again an i wanna hear ya,,
So speak to me babe!
X
TMUK
Hope you are well Christina,
Okay - im sorry for talkin like a **** the other day - i was just having it BIG time..last week was the week from hell -
But enuff of me - how's you doin?
Whats goin' on with your lil girl?
And you ?
Tell me..
I am back 2 my old self again an i wanna hear ya,,
So speak to me babe!
X
TMUK
So good to have you back Tinman my friend
Its been a tough few days and I've missed ya, so I been to stay with my parents, who live about 120 miles away. Just me and the dog, which was a good break in the beautiful countryside of Wales. End of my holiday today though and back to work tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to!
Well I think I've finally reached the point of trying everything I can. I can't fight the addiction but I'm damn sure gona fight for Sarah's life.
She's still not ready for detox prog yet and is still injecting. You know how the cycle goes but I put up with all the s*** that she throws at me.... because I'm her mum and I LOVE HER.... then, after a few days on detox, when I think she's doing well, off she goes again. EVERY time its been the same and its taken listening to you and your advice to realise the problem up to here has been I've wanted it more than Sarah and I have to stop helping her so much.
Anyway last week she phoned for me to go and pick her up, but after talking to her for a while I established she'd soon be back off the next day to score so....I SAID NO!!
I have text Sarah since to tell her I love her and Im here for her. I suggested maybe we could meet up somewhere soon for a coffee but not at home!
She responded favourably to that idea and as I write this she has just sent me a text saying how lovely the weather has been and hopefully she could come and stop soon? Does this mean she's chosen to ignore I said not at home or is she trying it on with me? Because I meant it.
My reply to her was although the weather is sunny, its raining in my heart because I dont have my little girl any more. Maybe one day I will get her back. Luv u always Sarah, take care of yourself Luv mum x
I purposely didn't mention about seeing her or her coming home and as yet I've had no reply. She has another appointment with her drug worker on Wednesday, so we'll see if she keeps it (I really do hope she does)... but it has to be up to HER doesn't it???
Luv n hugs 2U Tinman
see told you ya a great guy
Christina x
Its been a tough few days and I've missed ya, so I been to stay with my parents, who live about 120 miles away. Just me and the dog, which was a good break in the beautiful countryside of Wales. End of my holiday today though and back to work tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to!
Well I think I've finally reached the point of trying everything I can. I can't fight the addiction but I'm damn sure gona fight for Sarah's life.
She's still not ready for detox prog yet and is still injecting. You know how the cycle goes but I put up with all the s*** that she throws at me.... because I'm her mum and I LOVE HER.... then, after a few days on detox, when I think she's doing well, off she goes again. EVERY time its been the same and its taken listening to you and your advice to realise the problem up to here has been I've wanted it more than Sarah and I have to stop helping her so much.
Anyway last week she phoned for me to go and pick her up, but after talking to her for a while I established she'd soon be back off the next day to score so....I SAID NO!!
I have text Sarah since to tell her I love her and Im here for her. I suggested maybe we could meet up somewhere soon for a coffee but not at home!
She responded favourably to that idea and as I write this she has just sent me a text saying how lovely the weather has been and hopefully she could come and stop soon? Does this mean she's chosen to ignore I said not at home or is she trying it on with me? Because I meant it.
My reply to her was although the weather is sunny, its raining in my heart because I dont have my little girl any more. Maybe one day I will get her back. Luv u always Sarah, take care of yourself Luv mum x
I purposely didn't mention about seeing her or her coming home and as yet I've had no reply. She has another appointment with her drug worker on Wednesday, so we'll see if she keeps it (I really do hope she does)... but it has to be up to HER doesn't it???
Luv n hugs 2U Tinman
see told you ya a great guy
Christina x
Yeah Christina you sound like you are doing the good thing and sticking to it like we all said, your doing good babe, its gotta be tough to be true, but you are doing good so dont give up. okay?!!
The weather has been BRILLIANT hasnt it? Oh to be in the countryside like you- that would have been cool, i wish i could have been there, instead i was indoors laying laminate bloody flooring for my son!!! Sweating my bollox off! But was worth it coz his room needed decorating an now i finally done the floor, it does look good. The weather has been amazing down here in london, 26 degrees i think - yesterday it was just...SO HOT! i dont like it much hotter than this coz i am fair an don't tan easy just BURN, but lucky it aint that time ov year yet i suppose..
Summer is even worse for us (addicts) it makes everything seem even more ov an effort, scoring, walking about all day in the blistering heat, earning the bloody money, and then sweating it out straight away when you finally do hav a hit - i aint gonna miss being on the gear this summer, i tell ya that 4 nothing, i will b able to sit out in the pub beer garden an hav a luvly day in the sun wivout thinking about the need to go and score, or worrying bout getting cash, thank god i am gonna be clean this summer - and I AM, no doubt about it, I AM GONNA STAY CLEAN 4 THE SUMMER. FACT. I cant wait to take my boy out, i hav already told him that me and him r goin 2 thorpe park or Chessington an it wil b the first time i have taken him without the need to score first, it will be COOL!!
Stay positive, it cant last forever wiv your lil girl;, time is all you need, i know its gonna be SO HARD waiting, but the day will come. PROMISE YA. It alwayz does. Ive sed this b4 2 ya, i just wanna remind ya in case ur forgetting what i said!
This week is gonna b good 4 me and 4 u, i can feel it in the air.....!!! ;-)
LUL TINMAN X
The weather has been BRILLIANT hasnt it? Oh to be in the countryside like you- that would have been cool, i wish i could have been there, instead i was indoors laying laminate bloody flooring for my son!!! Sweating my bollox off! But was worth it coz his room needed decorating an now i finally done the floor, it does look good. The weather has been amazing down here in london, 26 degrees i think - yesterday it was just...SO HOT! i dont like it much hotter than this coz i am fair an don't tan easy just BURN, but lucky it aint that time ov year yet i suppose..
Summer is even worse for us (addicts) it makes everything seem even more ov an effort, scoring, walking about all day in the blistering heat, earning the bloody money, and then sweating it out straight away when you finally do hav a hit - i aint gonna miss being on the gear this summer, i tell ya that 4 nothing, i will b able to sit out in the pub beer garden an hav a luvly day in the sun wivout thinking about the need to go and score, or worrying bout getting cash, thank god i am gonna be clean this summer - and I AM, no doubt about it, I AM GONNA STAY CLEAN 4 THE SUMMER. FACT. I cant wait to take my boy out, i hav already told him that me and him r goin 2 thorpe park or Chessington an it wil b the first time i have taken him without the need to score first, it will be COOL!!
Stay positive, it cant last forever wiv your lil girl;, time is all you need, i know its gonna be SO HARD waiting, but the day will come. PROMISE YA. It alwayz does. Ive sed this b4 2 ya, i just wanna remind ya in case ur forgetting what i said!
This week is gonna b good 4 me and 4 u, i can feel it in the air.....!!! ;-)
LUL TINMAN X
How the same things effect different people in different ways, herion always stopped me dreaming and it was only when I was sticking to my meth that the dreams came back with avengence, and the old itchy and scratchies, maybe in the begining but that all soon disappers as well as the feeling that you want to have sex. I don't think I have had the urge to have sex in years.
