Diff,
I thought I'd start a new thread as I think it's important that Jack keeps his thread open right now so that people can check in on him and how his lady are doing and he can express how he feels.
Whatever emotional grief we have I guess it doesn't compare to what he's going through right now.
I read your post a couple of times and I can relate.
Swapping one addiction for another I reckon there are more people addicted and co dependent on another human being than we can imagine, there are many addicted to drama and it's as powerful as anything you can inject.
My friends daughter has just been sentenced to 5 years in prison she's 19.
She's always been a good girl with a good mum.
But she got so involved with this bloke and he was playing head games, she was unable to do anything without thinking about him or calling him, wanting him. We put it down to her age but the more he treated her bad the more she had to prove to herself that he could be good to her. Until he was messing about with another girl in a restaurant and she picked up a knife and attacked the girl - very scary - very sad and of course her timing was bad because the UK has just had a crack down on knife crimes.
You of course aren't like that, you are no fool but it's easy to get sucked in and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it.
You said -When I met him, I'd been on my own for about 8 weeks, and those 8 weeks were so tough. I felt so lonely. And then we met, and I have no crystal ball, I can't see into the future. I suddenly had someone who would call me on the phone, who would drop by to see me, who seemed to care about me, who worried and fretted if I didn't call him for a while.-
I met my nightmare man after a bad riding accident I had a broken sacrum and was stuck on my back for weeks and weeks, no family, lost my job, mounting debts feeling very low and all of sudden someone who cares, who helps, who makes me laugh. And I took it very slow but some people (only a few thank the lord) have this way of being two people of keeping so much of themselves hidden until they are sure they have you in a situation where it isn't so easy to get free.
With me it was your situation 2 years down the line and pregnant and then he showed his true colours and looking back there were little signs that he was a selfish manipulating violent creep but such little signs and when you're in love or think you are and vulnerable I guess I didn't see those signs so good.
The problem with this sort of person is they never see what they are, they're sorry but actually believe that it's not their fault. The I'm not interested in a long term relationship line is what throws you off your guard - it threw me.
That translates into I'm only interested in a long term relationship on my terms with you doing all the giving and compromising ..I digress. I remember you agonising on this board about what to tell him it's hard you want to be straight we all do.
For some knowing the dark bits helps them understand and love you more for others - it's a way to get inside your head and what they don't understand they despise or belittle. Now I have past stuff that is mine and stays never shared my head is the only place for it because some others would see a vulnerability to exploit.
Single, not working, attractive, loved our sex life, intelligent, and crying out for love that was me but it all changes. Not working = dependent I made the mistake of getting a job so he persuaded me to have a child ( not that I took much persuading I really wanted a baby ) But then I was dependent and vulnerable again. Five months pregnant and I'm living with a guy that I don't like and it's not the guy who looked after me when I was laid up with a broken back.
Even now I can never quite work out why he wanted me if he didn't really want me - if you get my meaning - power and his insecurity and needs and selfishness come in here I think.
I like you stuck at it, I stuck with it for a long time 5 years my confidence got lower and lower my self esteem took a dive and all that time I kept trying, trying to understand, trying to make it work and trying to be both mum and dad because he was such a crap dad - quickly losing interest when parenting involved him staying out of the pub or dragging himself out. I remember once him taking my little girl to fly a kite and not letting her have a go in case she did it wrong - that was one of those moments when you think my kid deserves more than this.
Always after a drink an arguement waiting to happen - soon you lose friends and people stop inviting you out for meals. The more selfish he got the more loving I got - addicted like a drug. Oh he could say I LOVE YOU on occasions but only usually after we'd had hell and it was his excuse - I didn't realise how much he loved me how hard it was for him.
The man I am really happy with now has never said the I love you thing and possibly never will. It's because when he was once clean and vulnerable he let someone in and told them how much he loved and needed them and she was always using it as a weapon. 'If you loved me you'd do this or that' and he like you shared his addiction and somehow she thought that made her a better person than him and treated him badly. But what someone says means nothing, it's what they do, talk is cheap saying it but not being in your corner is worth nothing.
It won't be easy being a single mum I'd be lying if I said it was, I've found it hard and I've found it lonely because unless you have family, you can't afford to go out. And it's been scary at times but being with my child's dad was harder. Then I had 2 children and one of them drank and was nasty. One day he pushed me against a wall, she was six she said ' don't do anything to make him mad that's what we have to do mummy' No little girl or boy should be scared to make their dad mad I left 5years later than I should have done and now I have 5 years worth of self esteem to try to get back. It's really strange the way people judge and generalise, if people knew that the man I'm with now was an addict they'd be horrified and feel sorry for me and yet my ex was so respectable and such a basxxxd.
If I could give you one piece of advice it is get your own place, maybe he will sort his head out maybe not but like an addict he has to do it because he wants to- anger management - therapy etc etc.
You and the baby will be okay on your own, you'll grow stronger for him or her.
Stay safe.
karen
Hi Karen, things here have been pretty calm of late. We weren't getting on at all when he came back from Ireland, and coz so much had happened, I was just tired of it all. I had sort of given up, and was just waiting for the end to come. And he can be quite perceptive about these things, so he's made a bit of an effort not to upset me in the last few days. Which I have to say isn't that easy at the moment, coz being pregnant and a bit unbalanced, I get upset over every little thing. I had to take my dog to the PDSA, and I was reading a leaflet in the little file they give you and was bawling my eyes out in no time, looking at pictures of dogs with bandages on! And my dog is really poorly right now - he's had a bad reaction to the anti-inflammatory the vets gave him for his arthritus, and is vomitting, s***ting blood and really under the weather. But my bloke has been pretty nice to the dog too, which is important to me. Be mean to my boy, and he'll have a big problem with me. It's weird, I'll leap to my dogs defence without any hesitation, but I won't do it for myself.
He knows that I'm moving out, and has been offering me financial help to get a nicer place than I can afford on my own. But I always find an excuse not to take it. I've been honest with him about it. I told him that I need a place that I can afford on my own, because I don't want to have to rely on anybody else, and if he decides to bail out on me, then I don't want to be left in an awkward situation with the rent. If I accept financial help, then he can use it to blackmail me later, and I'll be in no better a situation than I am now. I accept money to put carpets down, coz I don't see why our child should have to crawl around on bare floors, but I'll get a loan from the social to furnish the place, and I get a 500 maternity grant too, and that will pay for everything I need for the baby. I can be a very shrewd shopper if I have to, and I know all the charities that do secondhand furniture. Plus all the pawn shops - one benefit of going through heroin addiction - it'll be a nice change to buy stuff as opposed to selling it! I really can't wait to get the keys to my own little place. I'll walk through the door, and breathe a big sigh of relief. My place, that nobody can take away from me. I'll have my security back. It's so awful, feeling like I've got no rights in my own home, that I am at the mercy of his whims. Never again will I be wandering the streets with my poor dog in the pouring rain, wondering where I can go to get dry and warm. I still smart with anger when I think of that night a few weeks ago when he threw me and the dog out, well chased us out brandishing a knife, and I had to break into my ex-boyfriends flat just to get to a safe place. Is that any way to treat the woman who is carrying his child? And he won't be able to make ridiculous rules any more, like not letting the midwife visit me. I still have to pretend I'm not pregnant to his friends and family! Well, I'm sure most of them have guessed by now - it's not hard to see that I've doubled in size! I'm carrying very high, the baby seems to be growing more up than out, so I don't have a huge pregnant bump, but as time goes on, it'll get more and more obvious.
I know it sounds lame, but I don't want him totally out of my life, I just want independence and equality. I want to give him a chance to be a dad to our little one, but we won't be under his roof. We won't have to put up with his madness coz we've got nowhere else to go. Maybe our relationship will go back to how it was before I moved in with him. Ha! Wishful thinking methinks! Anyway, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that me, the baby and the dog are safe and secure, and I can be my own person again. I'm too rebellious, too strong, to be cowed and beaten for long. He's never really met my ferocious side, coz he's blackmailed me out of it. I've kept my righteous anger in check, coz I need a safe place for the dog. That's how I cope with it. Everytime I swallow my pride and act submissive in order to keep the peace, I'm thinking "I'm doing this for the love of my dog, so he doesn't end up in the pound coz I've got nowhere to keep him..." It gives me strength, and makes me feels like I'm working for a higher purpose.
Anyway, I'd love to write more, but I have to go and spend a bit of time with my poor doggie. I sing him lullabyes when he's poorly...
love
diff xxx
He knows that I'm moving out, and has been offering me financial help to get a nicer place than I can afford on my own. But I always find an excuse not to take it. I've been honest with him about it. I told him that I need a place that I can afford on my own, because I don't want to have to rely on anybody else, and if he decides to bail out on me, then I don't want to be left in an awkward situation with the rent. If I accept financial help, then he can use it to blackmail me later, and I'll be in no better a situation than I am now. I accept money to put carpets down, coz I don't see why our child should have to crawl around on bare floors, but I'll get a loan from the social to furnish the place, and I get a 500 maternity grant too, and that will pay for everything I need for the baby. I can be a very shrewd shopper if I have to, and I know all the charities that do secondhand furniture. Plus all the pawn shops - one benefit of going through heroin addiction - it'll be a nice change to buy stuff as opposed to selling it! I really can't wait to get the keys to my own little place. I'll walk through the door, and breathe a big sigh of relief. My place, that nobody can take away from me. I'll have my security back. It's so awful, feeling like I've got no rights in my own home, that I am at the mercy of his whims. Never again will I be wandering the streets with my poor dog in the pouring rain, wondering where I can go to get dry and warm. I still smart with anger when I think of that night a few weeks ago when he threw me and the dog out, well chased us out brandishing a knife, and I had to break into my ex-boyfriends flat just to get to a safe place. Is that any way to treat the woman who is carrying his child? And he won't be able to make ridiculous rules any more, like not letting the midwife visit me. I still have to pretend I'm not pregnant to his friends and family! Well, I'm sure most of them have guessed by now - it's not hard to see that I've doubled in size! I'm carrying very high, the baby seems to be growing more up than out, so I don't have a huge pregnant bump, but as time goes on, it'll get more and more obvious.
I know it sounds lame, but I don't want him totally out of my life, I just want independence and equality. I want to give him a chance to be a dad to our little one, but we won't be under his roof. We won't have to put up with his madness coz we've got nowhere else to go. Maybe our relationship will go back to how it was before I moved in with him. Ha! Wishful thinking methinks! Anyway, that doesn't matter. All that matters is that me, the baby and the dog are safe and secure, and I can be my own person again. I'm too rebellious, too strong, to be cowed and beaten for long. He's never really met my ferocious side, coz he's blackmailed me out of it. I've kept my righteous anger in check, coz I need a safe place for the dog. That's how I cope with it. Everytime I swallow my pride and act submissive in order to keep the peace, I'm thinking "I'm doing this for the love of my dog, so he doesn't end up in the pound coz I've got nowhere to keep him..." It gives me strength, and makes me feels like I'm working for a higher purpose.
Anyway, I'd love to write more, but I have to go and spend a bit of time with my poor doggie. I sing him lullabyes when he's poorly...
love
diff xxx
Hey Diff, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and Billy.
I hope that he is okay. I wish I could tell you to come and stay with me, but I live in Canada so that probably won't work well for Billy.
My thoughts are that a person who is cruel to animals should be strung up by the Balls.
You deserve so much better than this person.
Please take care of yourself and poor Billyboy.
Love. Karen
I hope that he is okay. I wish I could tell you to come and stay with me, but I live in Canada so that probably won't work well for Billy.
My thoughts are that a person who is cruel to animals should be strung up by the Balls.
You deserve so much better than this person.
Please take care of yourself and poor Billyboy.
Love. Karen
Am I a complete f***wit? Having cooked a meal, do I require a lecture on how to do wash the f***ing dishes? No, I don't think so... I'm 34 years old, not 3, and I managed pretty well for 33 of those years without him, and I will do again, by f***!
sorry... just venting my vitriol re. being treated like a complete idiot...
diff xxx
oh, and the dog is getting better, thank you for asking about him . I think I'll go spend a bit of time with him, for a bit of company that's on my level - at least the dog treats me with respect! Can't wait to get out of here. I'm sick of having to bite my tongue, coz twatface has been drinking and I know the consequences of speaking my mind...
sorry... just venting my vitriol re. being treated like a complete idiot...
diff xxx
oh, and the dog is getting better, thank you for asking about him . I think I'll go spend a bit of time with him, for a bit of company that's on my level - at least the dog treats me with respect! Can't wait to get out of here. I'm sick of having to bite my tongue, coz twatface has been drinking and I know the consequences of speaking my mind...
hey Diff, keep on biting that tounge. no point upsetting twatface any more than you have to.
I hope the council come up with something for you soon.
keep coming back and venting on this board, we undersatnd where you are and we are here to help.
Lots of love.
Karen
I hope the council come up with something for you soon.
keep coming back and venting on this board, we undersatnd where you are and we are here to help.
Lots of love.
Karen
Hi guys, I'm ecstatic, I'm over the moon, I'm absolutely bouncing! Just had a phone call from the council. They've found me a house! A nice, low rent, just renovated 2 bedroom house, about 25 miles away from Him! Finally I've got a safe secure little nest for me, my baby and my doggie! I've just got to go tell the dog... he'll be so chuffed!
yippee!!!!
love
Diff xxxx
yippee!!!!
love
Diff xxxx
Oh Diff, I am so happy for you, that is fantastic news.
Do me a favour? Don't leave the dog alone with twatface atall, I have a bad feeling about what he may do to the dog to punish you.
Take care.
Yippeee!!!!!
Karen
Do me a favour? Don't leave the dog alone with twatface atall, I have a bad feeling about what he may do to the dog to punish you.
Take care.
Yippeee!!!!!
Karen
Hiya, Karen, you are right about the dog. He went over to a mates to watch the football this afternoon, and I went to pick him up about an hour ago. As soon as we left his mates I started to feel a bit on edge, but wasn't really connecting the feeling to past events, shall we say. There were no problems in the car on the way home. He was being nice in fact, but it didn't fool me - I know how unpredictable he can be when he's been drinking and nice can turn nasty in the blink of an eye. When we got back he said he was going to walk the dog, and I almost ran after him to say that I wanted to walk him later, so not to bother, but I knew it would sound strange, so I just kept my fingers crossed.
The dog gets nervous of him when he can smell alcohol, so when they came back and the dog was a bit "growly" I knew he wasn't happy. I called my bloke in from the back garden to say his food was nearly ready, coz he was winding the dog up outside, and I could hear that the dog was getting upset. But he insisted on staying out, until the dog got nasty. I know not to rile him when he's drunk - and that doesn't guarantee he won't flip on me, but the dog is just a dog, and doesn't understand these things. I went out and intervened, telling my bloke that his food was going cold, but he was already "on one" about the dog turning on him. He comes in and starts ranting that the dog is nasty and unpredictable and should be shot. Unpredictable by f***! You and I both predicted this a while back, and I knew from the moment he took the dog out that there was going to be a problem. The dogs not unpredictable, he's just a big dog with a guarding nature who feels nervous and threatened by a raging lunatic. I know how the dog feels coz I feel nervous too. He's just got the balls and the wherewithal to do something about it, whereas I don't have big teeth and a fearless nature, so I can't.
A few mins later, the dinner goes flying across the room, and I get ordered to go punish the dog. So to avoid confrontation I leap up and dash out the back door, where the dog is sitting looking all worried and confused. I take him down to the shed to "punish" him. The moment I go through the shed door, I feed the dog a big handfull of gravy bones, pat him, hug him, reassure him, tell him that we'll be safe very soon, apologise to him for exposing him to such a bad situation, and promise him we'll be in our own place in just a week or two, and everything will be good again. I know he doesn't understand exactly what's going on, but I hope he understands that I'm trying to protect him.
When I think of how he ran to me for protection the other week when my man came at him with a knife, it makes my eyes sting with tears. But he knows. We always were a team and we always will be. He watches my back and I watch his. I know he's a big fearsome Rottweiler, but he's a little baby inside, and he should never, ever have had to protect me for real. Every time it happens it damages his psyche a little more.
They better give me the damned keys soon. I feel sick sitting here, too afraid to move. I can't leave because I need to protect the dog. I can't go get the dog coz that will bring the dog right into a potentially violent situation. So I just have to hover about, waiting to be smashed round the back of the head, or grabbed round the throat, or dragged out the room with his hand over my mouth. Or maybe left alone. I'm praying he falls asleep. I can't live with this kind of fear. Funny, I knew I was living with violence, but I didn't realise till now I was living in fear. The fear of violence is worse than the violence itself. I apologise to my dog for having to put up with this. I know that I can't put my baby in the same situation. My bloke is gonna be pretty volatile I guess at the moment, coz he knows that I'm about to get my freedom.
love
Diff xxx
The dog gets nervous of him when he can smell alcohol, so when they came back and the dog was a bit "growly" I knew he wasn't happy. I called my bloke in from the back garden to say his food was nearly ready, coz he was winding the dog up outside, and I could hear that the dog was getting upset. But he insisted on staying out, until the dog got nasty. I know not to rile him when he's drunk - and that doesn't guarantee he won't flip on me, but the dog is just a dog, and doesn't understand these things. I went out and intervened, telling my bloke that his food was going cold, but he was already "on one" about the dog turning on him. He comes in and starts ranting that the dog is nasty and unpredictable and should be shot. Unpredictable by f***! You and I both predicted this a while back, and I knew from the moment he took the dog out that there was going to be a problem. The dogs not unpredictable, he's just a big dog with a guarding nature who feels nervous and threatened by a raging lunatic. I know how the dog feels coz I feel nervous too. He's just got the balls and the wherewithal to do something about it, whereas I don't have big teeth and a fearless nature, so I can't.
A few mins later, the dinner goes flying across the room, and I get ordered to go punish the dog. So to avoid confrontation I leap up and dash out the back door, where the dog is sitting looking all worried and confused. I take him down to the shed to "punish" him. The moment I go through the shed door, I feed the dog a big handfull of gravy bones, pat him, hug him, reassure him, tell him that we'll be safe very soon, apologise to him for exposing him to such a bad situation, and promise him we'll be in our own place in just a week or two, and everything will be good again. I know he doesn't understand exactly what's going on, but I hope he understands that I'm trying to protect him.
When I think of how he ran to me for protection the other week when my man came at him with a knife, it makes my eyes sting with tears. But he knows. We always were a team and we always will be. He watches my back and I watch his. I know he's a big fearsome Rottweiler, but he's a little baby inside, and he should never, ever have had to protect me for real. Every time it happens it damages his psyche a little more.
They better give me the damned keys soon. I feel sick sitting here, too afraid to move. I can't leave because I need to protect the dog. I can't go get the dog coz that will bring the dog right into a potentially violent situation. So I just have to hover about, waiting to be smashed round the back of the head, or grabbed round the throat, or dragged out the room with his hand over my mouth. Or maybe left alone. I'm praying he falls asleep. I can't live with this kind of fear. Funny, I knew I was living with violence, but I didn't realise till now I was living in fear. The fear of violence is worse than the violence itself. I apologise to my dog for having to put up with this. I know that I can't put my baby in the same situation. My bloke is gonna be pretty volatile I guess at the moment, coz he knows that I'm about to get my freedom.
love
Diff xxx
Hi Diff
I hope you get out of that situ very soon, you baby and dog.... you say 2 weeks, is there nowhere you can do a mid night flit to, until you get your keys. I have a boxer and she senses every feeling I feel, and I hate to see her depressed, you know she feeeling for you when she looks at you with her big droppy eyes, I pray you are safe and free soon. As if an addiction was not enough..........Does your partner know where you are moving to?
Take Care Diff
Rxxx
I hope you get out of that situ very soon, you baby and dog.... you say 2 weeks, is there nowhere you can do a mid night flit to, until you get your keys. I have a boxer and she senses every feeling I feel, and I hate to see her depressed, you know she feeeling for you when she looks at you with her big droppy eyes, I pray you are safe and free soon. As if an addiction was not enough..........Does your partner know where you are moving to?
Take Care Diff
Rxxx
Hey Diff, sorry to hear about what is going on. Does he know that you have a place to go to?.
I'm not sure that I would tell him if i were you. Just leave. Does the council have somewhere that they could put you until you get the keys to your new place? I am really scared for you and Billy, twatface is not a man to be messed with ( as if you need me to tell you that)
Can you phone an emergency line and get somewhere for a few nights.
What about your exes place? could you go there?
please get out of there Diff, I know that you think that you can handle this situation with him, but I have really bad feelings about this.
Please make sure that you let us know daily how you are, I am very concerned for your safety.
Take extra special care.
Karen
I'm not sure that I would tell him if i were you. Just leave. Does the council have somewhere that they could put you until you get the keys to your new place? I am really scared for you and Billy, twatface is not a man to be messed with ( as if you need me to tell you that)
Can you phone an emergency line and get somewhere for a few nights.
What about your exes place? could you go there?
please get out of there Diff, I know that you think that you can handle this situation with him, but I have really bad feelings about this.
Please make sure that you let us know daily how you are, I am very concerned for your safety.
Take extra special care.
Karen
Hi Diff and friends
Well its 4:30AM over here ,Im up and moving as usual. I,ve been thinking ,the last few posts of mine were situated in my own pains and thoughts- kind of self centered. I know that we all have our own problems and Im grateful that all of you here are so understanding.
I guess for every negitive thought the mind draws up, there is a negitive emotion to follow. So conversley,if we can conjure up positive thoughts ,it should make sense that positve emotions will follow.
I thank you all for trying to keep positive thoughts flowing through me.
As for you Diff, Im so sorry that you have to go thru any bullsh*t at all. This should be a happy time to be shared with your partner. Now obviously that isnt going to happen. Your a strong women who has gone thru a world of life experences already. So now you draw from the life knowlege you have and move on. I cant imagine how hard it is to do that ,carrying a child but we draw strength from all kinds of places.
Stay positive- -better things will begin to happen. I know that they cant happen soon enough, but we were never good at having patience anyway. That was always part of the problem- immeadiate gratifacation.
Please stay in touch- and be careful
much love of course
jack
..
Well its 4:30AM over here ,Im up and moving as usual. I,ve been thinking ,the last few posts of mine were situated in my own pains and thoughts- kind of self centered. I know that we all have our own problems and Im grateful that all of you here are so understanding.
I guess for every negitive thought the mind draws up, there is a negitive emotion to follow. So conversley,if we can conjure up positive thoughts ,it should make sense that positve emotions will follow.
I thank you all for trying to keep positive thoughts flowing through me.
As for you Diff, Im so sorry that you have to go thru any bullsh*t at all. This should be a happy time to be shared with your partner. Now obviously that isnt going to happen. Your a strong women who has gone thru a world of life experences already. So now you draw from the life knowlege you have and move on. I cant imagine how hard it is to do that ,carrying a child but we draw strength from all kinds of places.
Stay positive- -better things will begin to happen. I know that they cant happen soon enough, but we were never good at having patience anyway. That was always part of the problem- immeadiate gratifacation.
Please stay in touch- and be careful
much love of course
jack
..
Hey Diff,
Sorry I've not been about much this week up to my neck in money crap and Heroin crap - mainly it's been me moaning that if a certain person could give up the H and get off the methadone wheel he might actually be able to work and we could pay some bills.
Actually that's such a bad attitude because he doesn't take any of my money ever and paying my bills is my problem - still I can dream about someone to look after me and all that soppy rot. And really because of health issues even totally clean he isn't well enough for full time work and he does all the housework and childcare...I know
But I've just let it get me down this week. I know that underneath it isn't the money that I hate so much about the smack it's the fear - I just need practical things to moan about, cuz saying it brings me down always been afraid of finding him dead is a tad dramatic.
Poor Doggy, first they mess with your head then they screw up the pets then they try to bully the child - sick.
Have we names for the future baby diffbloke or diffette.
karen
x
Sorry I've not been about much this week up to my neck in money crap and Heroin crap - mainly it's been me moaning that if a certain person could give up the H and get off the methadone wheel he might actually be able to work and we could pay some bills.
Actually that's such a bad attitude because he doesn't take any of my money ever and paying my bills is my problem - still I can dream about someone to look after me and all that soppy rot. And really because of health issues even totally clean he isn't well enough for full time work and he does all the housework and childcare...I know
But I've just let it get me down this week. I know that underneath it isn't the money that I hate so much about the smack it's the fear - I just need practical things to moan about, cuz saying it brings me down always been afraid of finding him dead is a tad dramatic.
Poor Doggy, first they mess with your head then they screw up the pets then they try to bully the child - sick.
Have we names for the future baby diffbloke or diffette.
karen
x
Hi guys, things here are OK at the moment. My man seems to be going through one of his more rational phases - LOL! It's hard to know how best to handle things at times. He tells me he's feeling shut out, and I know that tends to just make things worse, but I have feelings, and I react to his moods and his words, and I know I shut him out, but that's only because he acts so disinterested in me and the baby. We had a little disagreement yesterday because I told him I was taking a friend with me to my next scan, and deep down he'd like to come with me too, but since I knew he'd somehow not be able to make it (coz of his own f***ed up obscure reasons, which in his warped mind he thinks he's doing for my benefit, or at least that's what he tells himself) I didn't bother asking him. And when I don't include him, he just acts like he doesn't care, coz he's too proud to admit that he does. But I think he's feeling a little fear now. Fear because he realises he's losing his grip over me, and it's suddenly dawned on him that I won't be at home with him any more, and he's gonna miss me like breathing. So he's trying not to upset me too much, and now he's telling me that he does care about me and the baby, and he is interested, and he wants me to tell him how things are going, and what is said at my Drs/midwife/hospital appointments. It was good to hear him say it, but it doesn't really change anything. He's going to be at sea for 5 days out of 7 over the next few months cause he has a big shellfish contract coming up (he's a fisherman) and he tells me he's worried about me being on my own as the pregnancy progresses. But I'd rather be on my own in my own home, with my dog, and feeling secure and safe, than skulking around in his house, hiding from everybody, and worrying about him. Coz even after everything that's gone on, I still feel sick with worry when he's out on the boats.
And as for me, I'm feeling happy today, because I've just been to see the midwife, and had another listen to my baby's heartbeat. She says that baby seems fine, is growing well, and everything is as it should be. The only thing she said was that I need to wear baggier clothing, to encourage the baby to drop slightly, coz I'm carrying very high. My bump could be a little bigger basically, coz at the moment the baby is putting a lot of pressure on my internal organs coz it's growing more up and in than out. I know what people who have had their stomachs stapled feel like now, coz everything inside is really squashed, and I'm having trouble keeping my food down, coz my stomach is all squashed up and can hold very little food in it. And I have terrible indigestion. I feel all big and bloated, but I haven't got a huge pregnant belly, and it would apparantly be more comfortable for me if I was a bit bigger.
But everything seems to be moving in the right direction for once, so I'm not complaining. And every time I hear my baby's heart beating I can't stop smiling for ages!
love
Diff x
And as for me, I'm feeling happy today, because I've just been to see the midwife, and had another listen to my baby's heartbeat. She says that baby seems fine, is growing well, and everything is as it should be. The only thing she said was that I need to wear baggier clothing, to encourage the baby to drop slightly, coz I'm carrying very high. My bump could be a little bigger basically, coz at the moment the baby is putting a lot of pressure on my internal organs coz it's growing more up and in than out. I know what people who have had their stomachs stapled feel like now, coz everything inside is really squashed, and I'm having trouble keeping my food down, coz my stomach is all squashed up and can hold very little food in it. And I have terrible indigestion. I feel all big and bloated, but I haven't got a huge pregnant belly, and it would apparantly be more comfortable for me if I was a bit bigger.
But everything seems to be moving in the right direction for once, so I'm not complaining. And every time I hear my baby's heart beating I can't stop smiling for ages!
love
Diff x
Hiya, I'm still waiting for the builders to finish before I can move in, and I'm getting impatient. I feel really stressed at the moment and I know that I'm being over-sensitive, but my bloke doesn't help, coz he has all the tact of a breezeblock round the head. We had a disagreement last night coz he said that he was going away for his birthday and Xmas (he's a winter solstice birthday) and the implication was that he was going on his own. Great. Leave me on my own for Xmas when I'll be 7 months pregnant. Sometimes I don't think he loves me at all. I know that I'm moving away from him, and I desperately need my own space, but I thought he might care about me enough to want to spend Xmas with me. All my family will be in South Africa, so I'll be totally alone. I'm feeling decidedly fat and frumpy, and although I'm glad I'm having the baby, I feel physically repulsive, and again, that view seems to be endorsed by him. But hey, I won't be fat forever - losing weight is something I don't have too many problems with, and I'll be gorgeous again by next summer, and perhaps then I'll find someone who really cares about me, coz I don't like being on my own. I worry about feeling so depressed, and I know that if he was just a little bit supportive and understanding then I'd feel much better. I need reassurance, but all he does is make me feel worse. But if he's made his choice, then he'll have to live with it. I know deep down that I'll go on, get stronger, enjoy my life, and even with a baby, I know that I won't be on my own forever. But he'll never find another woman like me. That's damned sure. The difference is, he needs me, but I don't need him, and he will rue the day he ever lashed out at me in anger, and he'll wish he was a better person, but he hasn't got it in him to do anything about it. Whereas i know change is possible and I strive to be the best that I can. He could never put aside his selfishness to be there for somebody else, so he'll always mess up. You reap what you sow.
And to change the subject, I want to know everybodies favourite baby names, especially the unusual ones, coz I'm struggling with the whole name thing, coz I want a unique name, or at least a very uncommon one. My mum reckons Poppy, Skye, and Sayla are nice for a girl, and she likes Morne for a boy. Morne is an Africaans name, pronounced Morney. I quite like Taliesin (Welsh name from Celtic legend), Ceri, and Conway for a boy - all good Welsh names. I've got a fairly large heritage to draw from, being English myself, with a South African father, and living in Wales, and the baby's dad is obviously Welsh. Maybe I should think of Manx names too, coz the baby was conceived on the Isle of Man.
love
Diff x
Anyway, I went to look in on the house yesterday, and the kitchen is in, but all the floorboards are still up, and they haven't even started stripping the wallpaper and re-painting
And to change the subject, I want to know everybodies favourite baby names, especially the unusual ones, coz I'm struggling with the whole name thing, coz I want a unique name, or at least a very uncommon one. My mum reckons Poppy, Skye, and Sayla are nice for a girl, and she likes Morne for a boy. Morne is an Africaans name, pronounced Morney. I quite like Taliesin (Welsh name from Celtic legend), Ceri, and Conway for a boy - all good Welsh names. I've got a fairly large heritage to draw from, being English myself, with a South African father, and living in Wales, and the baby's dad is obviously Welsh. Maybe I should think of Manx names too, coz the baby was conceived on the Isle of Man.
love
Diff x
Anyway, I went to look in on the house yesterday, and the kitchen is in, but all the floorboards are still up, and they haven't even started stripping the wallpaper and re-painting
Diff,
Right now patience is the name of the game....and there is little else to be said. Dont let fear get the best of you, you will be just fine. You cannot want to move away from him and want him there by your side at the same time. Perhaps is going away at Christmas will be your Christmas blessing in disguise!
Sarendipity....thats what I would suggest for a name.
Love YBF
Right now patience is the name of the game....and there is little else to be said. Dont let fear get the best of you, you will be just fine. You cannot want to move away from him and want him there by your side at the same time. Perhaps is going away at Christmas will be your Christmas blessing in disguise!
Sarendipity....thats what I would suggest for a name.
Love YBF
Hi Diff,
Even if it doesn't seem like it, your life is progressing on a good course at a good pace. I know I'm faced with painting and peeling wall paper from several rooms. It's a lot of work and I'm not looking forward to it! Try to bear in mind how sparkly and new your home will be. Your home!
I like Serena Rose for a girl. My mothers name. I have 2 boys so couldn't use it. I love the boys names you mentioned. I'd definetly use something ethnic like that.
All the best Diff! Pregnancy can play with emotions something terrible. Be patient as YBF said. Things are going to get better very soon.
Beck
Even if it doesn't seem like it, your life is progressing on a good course at a good pace. I know I'm faced with painting and peeling wall paper from several rooms. It's a lot of work and I'm not looking forward to it! Try to bear in mind how sparkly and new your home will be. Your home!
I like Serena Rose for a girl. My mothers name. I have 2 boys so couldn't use it. I love the boys names you mentioned. I'd definetly use something ethnic like that.
All the best Diff! Pregnancy can play with emotions something terrible. Be patient as YBF said. Things are going to get better very soon.
Beck
Dear Diff,
I'm glad things are moving in the right direction for your new home. Just try to keep biting your tongue until it's ready. I worry about you!
As for names, some of my favorites are Joshua and Mikayla. My daughter Juliet likes some more original ones like Bryce and Emilia. I'll have to get a few from her. She picked the name Dora for my granddaughter's middle name because it means gift.
You take care and remember the baby pudge is for a very short time. You'll be back to feeling beautiful in no time. My girls had a special glow when they were pregnant but when you're the one pregnant you don't feel pretty. It's a shame because you are!
Love,
Susan
I'm glad things are moving in the right direction for your new home. Just try to keep biting your tongue until it's ready. I worry about you!
As for names, some of my favorites are Joshua and Mikayla. My daughter Juliet likes some more original ones like Bryce and Emilia. I'll have to get a few from her. She picked the name Dora for my granddaughter's middle name because it means gift.
You take care and remember the baby pudge is for a very short time. You'll be back to feeling beautiful in no time. My girls had a special glow when they were pregnant but when you're the one pregnant you don't feel pretty. It's a shame because you are!
Love,
Susan
HI Diff,
Some south african names - Sipho for a boy - gift
Ayanda for a gitrl - itsd menas the next one. Nandi for a girl - it means beloved.
take care of yourself. I have been following your story, and you are one strong lady. I admire your commitment to being clean, your sense of honesty with yourself and really think from what I have read Christmas without him may be a lot more serene.
Take good care of yourself. You are very special;
Calabash
Some south african names - Sipho for a boy - gift
Ayanda for a gitrl - itsd menas the next one. Nandi for a girl - it means beloved.
take care of yourself. I have been following your story, and you are one strong lady. I admire your commitment to being clean, your sense of honesty with yourself and really think from what I have read Christmas without him may be a lot more serene.
Take good care of yourself. You are very special;
Calabash
Diff,
I like Milly, Amelia Grace - Megan and Bryony for the welsh thing.
I like Sean Conrad Dara Joseph and Sam for a boy
Send you a long e-mail later not having a good day.
k
x
I like Milly, Amelia Grace - Megan and Bryony for the welsh thing.
I like Sean Conrad Dara Joseph and Sam for a boy
Send you a long e-mail later not having a good day.
k
x
