For Julie

Hi Julie - I thought I would respond in a separate post rather than get lost in another thread. I think your decision to not take your boyfriend back if he doesn't stay clean is a good one. Otherwise you're right it's too easy to come running home to you when things get tough there. I have pretty much the same plan as you. I can never and will never completely block my son out of my life - like I said elsewhere, I just don't feel a mother can really ever do that to her child, and I would never want to - but I have told him that he is not welcome to come back here and stay with me if he is not clean, no matter how hard up he is. It's time for him to fly on his own wings. I will also not help him financially any more as long as he is using. In the past I felt that with his mental illness and young age that I had no choice but to help him, but he now has the proper treatment for his illness and is 21 years old, so there is absolutely no reason why he can't make a go of it on his own if he stays away from the booze and the drugs.

That said, you can bet I'll be back on this board asking for strength and support to stick with my decision if things don't go well for him in his new location. I guess I'm just too much of a softie sometimes. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. But I do think I have really reached a point this time where I have the inner conviction to stay with my decision. I just can't live with the constant turmoil, fear and verbal abuse anymore.

With prayers and best wishes for you and your boyfriend,
CM
Thanks Crack Mom,
I hope your son pulls out of this as well. I talked to a woman in my class whose daughter started using drugs at 15 and was out on the street for a couple of those years. She kept trying to help her daughter out, and nothing changed. She said finally she decided to quit helping her daughter out anyway she can, she cut her off from money, and other help until she cleaned up. Now her daughter is clean and back in school.
The thing is I see what my mom is also doing. My brother is an addict too, but to Valium and whatever drugs he can pop (Advils, Gravol, etc). He hasn't worked in a year and a half, mooches off of friends, and his girlfriend (he's 30 now) and my mom constantly bails him out of bad situations and gives him money when he needs it. And as a result, my brother sees no point in getting a job, or getting help for his addiction, my mom won't let him hit rock bottom and this has been going on for years! She just doesn't have the heart to not help him out. He's not allowed to stay at my parents, well my dad won't allow it..but she doesn't see what she's doing and we've all talked to her about it. She thinks he will die or something if she just leaves him be.
So thats why I know I can not be there for my boyfriend if he comes back or doesn't go. That makes me an enabler. So you are smart to have come to this decision as well. Maybe if my mom quit helping him and "bailing" him out of his situations, he'd have hit rock bottom and not be this way still at 30.
I just hope your son is doing well right now and that he cleans up. My brother too is verbally abusive with my mom (and with his girlfriend now). We're all sick of it but I just keep my distance, I've helped him to no avail and I've distanced myself until he gets help. At this point though, he doesn't think he has a problem.
Do you get to talk to your son while he is in there?
I will keep you and him in my prayers...

Julie
Hi Julie - Thanks for your input. I feel like I know you and that you are a "kindred spirit". I've been wanting to write you a reply, but as you can imagine my mind and heart has been elswhere since my brother's accident.

Like I said, I am going to try really hard to stick with my decision to not be an enabler anymore because I believe it will be the best thing for my son in the long run.

I wanted to clear something up as you must have missed my post about this in another thread (can't remember where). My son did not go to the rehab program, although they did in the end accept him into it. I wish he would have, but when it came down to it he decided not to go. He said he didn't feel it would help him and that he already had all the tools he needed to get clean and get on with his life. He did go through a month long program a few years ago but it did him no good at all. He was using the day he got out. That program was enforced on him by the courts after he made some very bad mistakes and spent time in jeuvenile (sp?) detention.

When we got the call last week (Thursday) that he was accepted into the rehab program he got really upset and said that he felt he was being forced into this program and that he didn't want to go. I was really surprised because the whole thing had been his idea in the first place. So I told him "Please don't go if you don't think it will help." I don't see any point in him going if his heart is not in it. He said what he really needed was to get away from this town and all the people he knows here who use, so instead he decided to move away and start a new life. He has gone to stay with family in another province far from here and is not telling anyone here where he has gone. He says he will attend NA meetings there and try to start a new life. I really wish him all the best and hope he can go through with his plan. I know it won't be easy for him but the most worthwhile things in life never are.

In the meantime I am left to pack up his apartment and put everything in storage. I know, sucker, right? But I swear this is the end of the line for me. So that's where we're at for now.

How are things with you and your boyfriend? I hope all is well. Sending you strength,
CM

Hi Crack Mom,

I have your brother in my prayers. I hope he will be alright.
As for your son, no I didn't hear about what he did. Well if he doesn't believe Rehab will help him, then it won't work for him. And it will turn out to be a waste of time for him and everyone else. My boyfriend went to a few rehabs since he was 17 and none worked for him because he didn't really want to go.

As far as my boyfriend is concerned, he keeps talking lately of not going now! Then he says he will but then he's like, I am scared of losing you. He says he'd rather go through with his anger management here (court order), one on one AADAC counseling (court order) and then he says he wants me to keep him under lock and key, and that he'll only go to work and thats it. (Ya like that'll work, these guys are sneaky if they want to do drugs, they will find a way). Then he said he'll get counseling in town.
Personally I don't think it will work out that way, what do you think?
He says that when he gets out in a year, that he won't want me because he'll figure I'll have slept with someone else.

So we'll see what happens.
God Julie, that all sounds way too familiar. I am not surprised that he is now trying to back out of the rehab (same as my son did). If you have the strength, my brain tells me the right thing to do is to tell him that you will not go along with his plan. I don't believe it will work and I don't think that you do either when it comes right down to it. Anyway, this is just him putting the whole onus and responsibility on you for his recovery. And it shouldn't be that way. He should be responsible for his own recovery. I definitely do not think you should go along with his idea that he stay at your place under lock and key. It won't work. He will make your life a living hell. I know you love this guy and want to help him but he really is asking too much of you. If he wants to go ahead and stay in town and do his treatments that is his own business, but you do not have to pay the price for his choices. Let him find his own place and do his own thing.

Remember a few days ago when I asked you if you had an alternate plan if he decided not to go or not to stay in rehab? I asked that because it happened to me with my son, and I thought it might happen to you as well. Don't lose hope, he still might go but just has cold feet right now. But if he doesn't go Julie, I really hope you will stick with what you said you would do when I asked and that was to not have him in your life anymore.

Anyway, of course the decision is ultimately yours. And whatever way you go I hope you know I'll be there for you. By the way, Julie, how old are you and your boyfriend? Also how long have you been in this relationship? Answer what you want. Not trying to be snoopy or anything.

Thinking of you,
CM

Hi CM,

I have made it clear to him that I won't go along with him staying here, I said I've given him too many chances and I can't do it anymore. I am looking for a job and I need to focus on that right now.

He's 25, I'm 33 (funny thing is we look the same age). We've been together for almost 2 years now.
I really hope he does go, he keeps going back and forth on it. I keep reminding him of how he felt a month ago when he was doing it, feeling bad and crying and reaching out for help. I told him I CANNOT help him. I am not trained to do so. He WILL relapse over and over and I asked him to see it from my viewpoint, that I can't risk my future for an addict and he understood. I told him that in this year he could change his life forever. No I wont stay with him if he stays. He's now saying what if they don't accept me? Well I hope he won't just say they won't accept him. I'm wondering if I should talk to them myself.

Any word on your son?
Hi Julie - glad to hear you are sticking to your decision on this one. I'll be sending lots of energy his way in hopes that he will choose the treatment program

As for my son, he arrived safely at his destination but it's too early to tell how he will do there. When I talked to him yesterday he was talking about wanting to go back to school and having my mom pay for it. I got mad because she just put out a pile of money to help him make this move and I think that now he needs to prove to us that he will get the help he so desperately needs and will do something to help himself, instead of just asking us to help him all the time.

I told him that once he has proven he can do some of these things I am sure my mom would be happy to help with school, but that he needs to investigate all the possibilities of apprenticeships, student loans and grants, etc. first on his own. But he just doesn't seem to get that. I can't believe how self-centred he is. Then he gets mad at me because he thinks all his demands are perfectly reasonable. He swears at me and hangs up on me then calls back five minutes later acting like nothing has happened.

The phone rang at three o'clock this morning and I jumped out of bed to get it because I thought it might be news about my brother, and here it was my son calling for god knows what reason. I have caller ID so i just didn't answer it.

When I asked him what his plans were for checking out meetings, jobs or whatever he said he had no plans and got mad at me again. So maybe like everything else this was all just talk, a way to run away from his problems and a way to get us to pay for it all. I don't know. I sure hope not.

One thing that makes me think this time it will be different for him is that he is staying with his step-mother and his little half-sister whom he has never met before and who is only three years old. He really wanted to meet her and after being an only child his whole life, see what it was like to be a big brother. I believe this is one relationship he does not want to blow.

Anyway, I've decided that I will be completely backing off from the situation and will keep my ideas and suggestions to myself unless he asks for my opinion specifically. I don't want to be the nagging mom that he can then blame for everything that doesn't work out.

Bye for now,
CM
Hi CM,

Did you watch Dr. Phil? It was a good episode. I wonder when they plan to have the follow up..if I find out, I'll post it here.

Anyways sounds like your son does some of the same things as my boyfriend. He expects his mom to pay for everything and she does! If she doesn't, he freaks out on her and plays the "poor me" attitude with her. He's very verbally abusive towards her as well especially when he doesn't get his way with her. She gives in to him everytime, pays for everything, gives him money because he tells her if he doesn't pay his dealer, they will come after him, so he buys more crack.
She's totally enabling him and her other son.

I got into a bit of an argument with my boyfriend today. He kept saying that maybe if he focuses on getting a job, and making goals for himself and stays away from his old friends (who helped him relapse after being clean Jan to April of this year), then he can quit and all will be fine.
I told him to forget it. I told him that I will not continue to go through this. I told him I will not live with the fear that any day he will relapse! That I can't commit to buying a house with him or marrying him because he might relapse and I'll lose everything because of him. I've heard him tell me he won't ever touch crack again, over and over again, and he always does it. So he gets mad at me now that I won't believe him. So I told him straight up, if you don't go, then get your own place, and stay out of my life, I can do better than an addict. I was harsh yes, but it was the only way he was going to listen to me. I even told his mom that he was thinking of not going and she told him not to come to her place after I kick him out.

So I'm glad you are going to stick to your decision not to help your son anymore either. Otherwise we'll continue to be on this board 5 years from now complaining about the same things and not getting anywhere.

Anyways hang in there, and I hope your brother will be fine.

Julie