Part 1:
I have been lurking here for many months – got here by way of an online search looking for an old board I used to belong to. I am going to try to be as real as possible. This is where I am – right- now! I’ve decided to post. And maybe others will see themselves in my story as I have seen myself in the stories here. I’ll post part one then in another part 2.
Back track...January 1999 (In Iowa) when I had another hip replacement (prior 8 hip surgeries), given Lortab (prob. given to me for prior surgeries but never abused them) and took as prescribed. Then daughter got into serious trouble with law and with the stress it caused more hip pain. Don’t know how or exactly when but 99-2000 was a blur of daughter being sent to residential treatment away from home for 6 months. Ortho Dr. did continue to prescribe but reluctantly until Dec. 99 when I had to make a business trip and when I got back called Dr. to tell him I lost meds at hotel. That was a lie of course. He wrote one more script and I discovered online pharmacies.
Fast forward...After losing 2 excellent jobs at my doing- just up and resigned (in Mgmt.) with no job in sight...Decided to go to a county funded medical detox (though at a major hospital in northern VA. where at first they were not going to take me because I used ONLY 10-12 pills a day. Told them if I didn’t get in I’d kill myself which I fully intended to carry out. They put me at top of list and got in. Was given Buph. (I think) which dissolved under tongue & had very little WD symptoms. I Was out of there in 6 days with script for patch, trazdone and paxil. This was Oct. 03. Did not go to NA but did well knowing I still had pills in my safe. After over 30 days clean, stress got to me and opened safe- that was my downfall. In May 04, moved to my aunt’s house near Richmond for all of last summer and did go on a lot of interviews BUT still ordered from OP’s. End of Aug. I drove back to my Dad’s in Texas only taking some clothes, computer, necessities but left furniture at aunts. Got a consulting job which only lasted a month due to them not paying me, then got regular job here in Nov. and again stupidly resigned 3 months later for no real reason. Ran out of pills and went to 2 different ER’s within 2 months. I got plenty of scars on my hip and any x-ray will show a prosthesis (fake hip). But they only gave 7.5’s which did nothing for me after taking 10/325 since 2002.
Part 2:
In Feb. 05 my daughter had the most beautiful baby girl and she gave her my middle name which was also my Mom’s first name. I was still ordering pills online. In March I had to experience CT for 4 days until I could re-order and stupid me- did just that after suffering the worse CT anyone could. I told myself I’ll never go through that again!!! Eventually I knew I would run out of money which meant out of pills. I also knew there were no funded medical detox centers anywhere close to me. There is one here in town but they only give Motrin and/or Tylenol. Just this past Wednesday the 8th I took my last pill at 11 am and I am quite determined to make it this time. So, here’s the nasty hard facts of CT as I am experiencing it. My diary of sorts...
June 8 @ 11am took my last pill and didn't think I'd experience anything major until the next day. Was I so so wrong! By late afternoon my body started aching so terribly that I could barely walk. I went into my room and turned the fan on and tried to sleep. I would get up, then go to bed and eventually went to sleep after taking of a trazdone I had left from rehab which I knew would conk me out. Heck, I laid down at 7:00pm with muscle aches and body twitches beyond what I have ever felt and finally got to sleep for a while but kept waking up from muscle twitches. I was in such a weakened state that I honestly thought the trazdone would help- but it didn't and I know that stuff is sedating. I kept praying to God to help me sleep. God please help me!!!!
June 9: I woke up around 5am then sleep for an hour then woke again at 7am. By now, my head was pulsating and I took 2 Tylenol and soaked in hot bath. My dad (elderly is concerned) and asks if he can get me anything and I ask if he will get Imodium. I love my morning coffee and had neither the strength or will power to pour it but I did. Sat back here in den on computer (my trigger) and started to write this to occupy my time, occupy my mind as one once told me in rehab back in 03. Couldnt even drink half a cup and I puked my guts out. Ate a banana and took a strong multi vitamin and went and lay down. The house is not central air but I have a window unit in my bedroom and turned it on along with a fan. Its been in high 90s past 2 weeks. I woke 2 hours later, and then the runs- by then dad came back with Imodium. Afternoon, can barely sit in my chair here at desk with puter so I get up every 20 minutes and put fan on me while I sit in recliner back here in un air conditioned den. Went back to bed after taking more Tylenol. Im a smoker and have already noticed I have not even smoked a pack by now which I normally was smoking 2 packs plus on most days but that was when I would sit at puter, taking pills all day long ; sometimes 60 mg. before noon. I prayed that God would let me rest better that night. Darn, I am still so weak I can hardly walk. I cannot remember just how many times I lugged the fan back and forth from den to bedroom to lay down today. So around 3:45 I ate a bowl of cereal. Problem has been that those dang pills have severely affected my appetite for years that I was eating maybe once a day. Around 6:30pm I had to force myself to bake (nuke) a small potato and I love potatoes normally. Couldnt take but 3-4 bites and put dish in refrigerator. I forced myself to stay up watching a TV program that ended at 8:30 and barely made it to bed. Took of a trazdone and 2 Tylenol again and prayed desperately for sleep. Oh, Ive been sneezing like no other all day and they come in 3s & 4s. LOL! I tried reading in bed for awhile (am an avid reader) but am so darn weak. I think the last time I looked at clock was 9:15 pm. Slept and had hardly any leg twitches all for the grace of God.
June 10: woke at 5am to go to bathroom then tried to go to sleep and slept more till 7:00 and poured coffee and came back into den. Still very weak but somehow was able to drink 2 cups without puking. Checked e-mail and in-between had to sit in recliner with fan on me. Ate a banana and took another multi vitamin. I havent gone back to bed which is good but I know I will. Its almost 11am- almost 48 hours since last pill. God I am so lonely and wouldnt wish this on my best friend. Im trying to remember every single detail of this horrible CT time so that I will not have to re-visit it ever again. But Ive been to rehab before and I recognize relapse is possible but I have to continue to think and feel the feelings I have had the past 48 hrs so I dont GO THERE AGAIN. I am a big fan of Dr. Phil especially his ;sayings such as, You cant change what you dont acknowledge and Get Real. Its 11:16am and a few minutes past 48 hours clean. Just took 2 Tylenol- first ones Ive had to take today. How long will it be before I am not weak? Im not as weak as past 2 days- this I know or else I would not have been up this long. Im not hungry. I am drinking lots of water but that is something I had always done. I know my body needs food for fuel but I have no appetite. When will I feel better God?
June 9: I woke up around 5am then sleep for an hour then woke again at 7am. By now, my head was pulsating and I took 2 Tylenol and soaked in hot bath. My dad (elderly is concerned) and asks if he can get me anything and I ask if he will get Imodium. I love my morning coffee and had neither the strength or will power to pour it but I did. Sat back here in den on computer (my trigger) and started to write this to occupy my time, occupy my mind as one once told me in rehab back in 03. Couldnt even drink half a cup and I puked my guts out. Ate a banana and took a strong multi vitamin and went and lay down. The house is not central air but I have a window unit in my bedroom and turned it on along with a fan. Its been in high 90s past 2 weeks. I woke 2 hours later, and then the runs- by then dad came back with Imodium. Afternoon, can barely sit in my chair here at desk with puter so I get up every 20 minutes and put fan on me while I sit in recliner back here in un air conditioned den. Went back to bed after taking more Tylenol. Im a smoker and have already noticed I have not even smoked a pack by now which I normally was smoking 2 packs plus on most days but that was when I would sit at puter, taking pills all day long ; sometimes 60 mg. before noon. I prayed that God would let me rest better that night. Darn, I am still so weak I can hardly walk. I cannot remember just how many times I lugged the fan back and forth from den to bedroom to lay down today. So around 3:45 I ate a bowl of cereal. Problem has been that those dang pills have severely affected my appetite for years that I was eating maybe once a day. Around 6:30pm I had to force myself to bake (nuke) a small potato and I love potatoes normally. Couldnt take but 3-4 bites and put dish in refrigerator. I forced myself to stay up watching a TV program that ended at 8:30 and barely made it to bed. Took of a trazdone and 2 Tylenol again and prayed desperately for sleep. Oh, Ive been sneezing like no other all day and they come in 3s & 4s. LOL! I tried reading in bed for awhile (am an avid reader) but am so darn weak. I think the last time I looked at clock was 9:15 pm. Slept and had hardly any leg twitches all for the grace of God.
June 10: woke at 5am to go to bathroom then tried to go to sleep and slept more till 7:00 and poured coffee and came back into den. Still very weak but somehow was able to drink 2 cups without puking. Checked e-mail and in-between had to sit in recliner with fan on me. Ate a banana and took another multi vitamin. I havent gone back to bed which is good but I know I will. Its almost 11am- almost 48 hours since last pill. God I am so lonely and wouldnt wish this on my best friend. Im trying to remember every single detail of this horrible CT time so that I will not have to re-visit it ever again. But Ive been to rehab before and I recognize relapse is possible but I have to continue to think and feel the feelings I have had the past 48 hrs so I dont GO THERE AGAIN. I am a big fan of Dr. Phil especially his ;sayings such as, You cant change what you dont acknowledge and Get Real. Its 11:16am and a few minutes past 48 hours clean. Just took 2 Tylenol- first ones Ive had to take today. How long will it be before I am not weak? Im not as weak as past 2 days- this I know or else I would not have been up this long. Im not hungry. I am drinking lots of water but that is something I had always done. I know my body needs food for fuel but I have no appetite. When will I feel better God?
Might not be the smartest person, but I didn't get through your whole post because I can't figure out the numbers you are using. I know they sometimes are peoples name but not always. Please explain and then some of us will understand the story. Thanks for posting. You will like it here.
I am sorry- trying to figure out how to edit that first post. I have been writing on WORD and cut and pasted to the forum. Then I saw the numbers and darned if I can see any thing there that says where I can edit the first post. I was able to edit my 2nd post (part 2).
Once some one responds you can't edit after that.
You can actually figure it out if you just disregard the numbers.
Tightrope...
Thanks for sharing your story. That took courage. I know how much of a trigger the computer can be - I used to get my pills from online pharmacies, 4 of 'em at the same time in fact, and I still get emails and occasionally the urge to go see what the prices are. Sounds like you've got a rough couple of days ahead of you, but I have faith in you. You've been on this rollercoaster long enough - it's time to get off. Since it's the weekend, I'm assuming you can pretty much take it easy for the next few days? If so, go to Blockbuster and rent an entire season (or several seasons) of any of your favorite shows (I recommend 24, The Shield, The Sopranos, West Wing) You'll be amazed at how the time flies by.
Keep posting, together we can get through this.
Best,
Matt
Thanks for sharing your story. That took courage. I know how much of a trigger the computer can be - I used to get my pills from online pharmacies, 4 of 'em at the same time in fact, and I still get emails and occasionally the urge to go see what the prices are. Sounds like you've got a rough couple of days ahead of you, but I have faith in you. You've been on this rollercoaster long enough - it's time to get off. Since it's the weekend, I'm assuming you can pretty much take it easy for the next few days? If so, go to Blockbuster and rent an entire season (or several seasons) of any of your favorite shows (I recommend 24, The Shield, The Sopranos, West Wing) You'll be amazed at how the time flies by.
Keep posting, together we can get through this.
Best,
Matt
Walking, you're doing the best you can by posting on the board and D/T's even though you feel like sh** right now. By Monday you will feel so much better. I know about not wanting to eat, but try just saltines with lots and lots of water to flush your system out. Milkshakes are good too. I had my husband going 2 times a day to get me one. Just like Matt, I ordered off the internet, and I did more than one company so that I would never be without pills. One script would only last me less than 2 weeks. It is so easy to do, that the government really needs to get involved and get them off. I don't know how they could do it. But I think that's why so many people are taking pain pills now.
Thanks so much Cad & Kansasgirl- I need ALL the encouragement I can get right now. I keep reminding myself it is one hour- one day at a time. I'm without a job or money for that matter so renting movies is out. I was ordering from two different OP's as well and it was not difficult.What I meant about the computer being a trigger is that back in 04 in rehab I realized that I used the puter as an escape and used quite a bit of pills doing it. When I wasn't around computer, I used less - thus I am not liking my puter much lately!!!!
I am surprised that I have been up this long- last 2 days spent in bed most of day and night.
I want soooo badly to stay clean and I keep reminding myself what this experience thus far has been like (CT).
Please, please people, keep making me accountable & make me write- it occupy's my time & my mind.
Thanks so much!!!!!!!!
I am surprised that I have been up this long- last 2 days spent in bed most of day and night.
I want soooo badly to stay clean and I keep reminding myself what this experience thus far has been like (CT).
Please, please people, keep making me accountable & make me write- it occupy's my time & my mind.
Thanks so much!!!!!!!!
Sorry dear...don't know ’...no clue. And if you're getting some sleep, you're doing better then most. I know it's tough, but know many who don't get more then 1/2 a night for 2 weeksor a month. Hang on, don't go through it again. You should be o.k. in a day or 2. You'll have some weakness, but try to suck it up. It will end, believe that. Do it for your grandchild. Beck
Hey Tightrope,
Send me an email - sm350z@verizon.net - I've got a few "free rental coupons from Blockbuster" - They're online coupons, I can email them to you. Whatever it takes.
-Matt
Send me an email - sm350z@verizon.net - I've got a few "free rental coupons from Blockbuster" - They're online coupons, I can email them to you. Whatever it takes.
-Matt
Matt,
Thanks but I don't have a working printer. I haven't been out of the house all darn week. I just tried to lay down but that lasted 15 minutes.
Oh, I wanted to tell you that I read your blog a while back - amazing how many of our life stories sound alike.
Thanks for the encouragement- I need all I can get.Tomorrow at 11am it's 72 hours- and time is going very s-l-o-w-l-y
Thanks but I don't have a working printer. I haven't been out of the house all darn week. I just tried to lay down but that lasted 15 minutes.
Oh, I wanted to tell you that I read your blog a while back - amazing how many of our life stories sound alike.
Thanks for the encouragement- I need all I can get.Tomorrow at 11am it's 72 hours- and time is going very s-l-o-w-l-y
Tightrope... what time zone are you in? It's noon in LA now, so assuming you're in the west, you've got 2940 minutes clean, or 176,400 seconds. Pretty impressive. Believe me, I've counted minutes some days, and even seconds a couple of times. Stay strong, and keep posting here.
Best,
Matt
Best,
Matt
wow--and i thought i was feeling bad----im not feeling as bad as i thought. i puked after i had my a.m. coffee too. i have a bad headache that wont go away and i still am hungry but i cant eat--a few m&ms here and there--i know thats not helping me at all. i feel like im getting a sore throat too---does that happen with w/d's or am i catching a cold on top of ct. oh well--this has been the longest day too.
Fire...
Yeah, the last 58 hours (as it is right this minute) have been soooo long. I finally got the guts to re-nuke the potato I took 3 bites of yesterday evening. I have to say though, I have NOT taken any naps TODAY like the past 2 days. I did rest a bit in the recliner with the fan on me and did try to lay down earlier but that lasted less than 15 minutes. I just took anothe multi vitimin. For me to stay awkae but still weak like flu is a biggie as the past two days are a blur.
Yeah, the last 58 hours (as it is right this minute) have been soooo long. I finally got the guts to re-nuke the potato I took 3 bites of yesterday evening. I have to say though, I have NOT taken any naps TODAY like the past 2 days. I did rest a bit in the recliner with the fan on me and did try to lay down earlier but that lasted less than 15 minutes. I just took anothe multi vitimin. For me to stay awkae but still weak like flu is a biggie as the past two days are a blur.
i am really looking forward to enjoying my a.m. coffee again. i havent been able to really enjoy it for so long--unless it was to get the tabs kicking quicker. i am really dreading the no sleep too. ive always had trouble sleeping since i was a kid. and when i dont get a good nights sleep i feel really sick and depressed and like a monster. oh what have i done..........
I wanted to keep my daily diary in the same thread.
It is now 72 hours clean!!!!!!! But I still feel cra**y. First Here's the lowdown on how the rest of yesterday went...
I forced myself to stay up all day and all I ate for the day was a banana in the morning, warmed up the rest of a small baked potato and later 2 cookies. I know I have to eat but my appatite eludes me. But I didn't puke up my coffee yesterday.
Took 1/2 of a trazdone left over from previous rehab 2 years ago and by 9:30 was asleep- also took 2 tylenol pm. I was exhausted and amazingly slept through the night.
June 11:Got up around 7:15 with a massive headache and took 2 tylenol. Poured coffee which I drank 2 cups (usual used to be 4). Ate 2 pieces of toast. Funny thing this morning when I was checking e-mail, I got one from an OP I used and have no refills with, nonetheless they wrote saying they sent my package COD - which I NEVER ordered (no refills) and besides I have $15 to my name, no job, bills and no money to pay them, etc...etc. I thought to myself, isn't that just like the devil to tempt me to find the money to get COD on Monday and I'll be da**ed if I have anyone to borrow it from. What's strange is that I e-mailed them a few months ago regarding my 2nd refill (what the cost would be) and just now I get mail telling me the amt. and that it will arrive Monday. It's a very little known OP with poor cust. serv.I wrote them back saying I did not order and I would refuse. Of course I have to refuse- I ain't got $289. LOL
I am still lathargic but not as weak as day 1-2. I am really feeling depressed today, no bowel movement at all since 2 days ago (sorry I know that's yucky).
I also wanted to say that many people do tapers and I tried them many times with no success- not saying it doesn't work- but I know if I had pills left, I'd use.
This CT is for the dogs. I wish I had a desire to eat but I don't.
Many times in the past 6 years, I wanted to off myself and thought about it as recent as 3 weeks ago. Every time I had an almost full bottle of 120 ct. I wondered what would happen if I just swallowed them all at once. I even wrote my obit so my daugh. wouldn't have to. I made a will.
I remember somewhere on this board, someone wrote that once you become totally clean- your emotions go back to where they were when u got addicted. Mine was extreme stress after major hip surgery having severe probs. with my daugh. Thank God she is not at all where she was emotionally back then. I can pinpoint exactly when after 3 months after surgery I started taking more pills thinking I was dealing with stress.
Dang, I honestly feel so alone today. It's even hard to write all of this but dang it, I HAVE to make it.
It is now 72 hours clean!!!!!!! But I still feel cra**y. First Here's the lowdown on how the rest of yesterday went...
I forced myself to stay up all day and all I ate for the day was a banana in the morning, warmed up the rest of a small baked potato and later 2 cookies. I know I have to eat but my appatite eludes me. But I didn't puke up my coffee yesterday.
Took 1/2 of a trazdone left over from previous rehab 2 years ago and by 9:30 was asleep- also took 2 tylenol pm. I was exhausted and amazingly slept through the night.
June 11:Got up around 7:15 with a massive headache and took 2 tylenol. Poured coffee which I drank 2 cups (usual used to be 4). Ate 2 pieces of toast. Funny thing this morning when I was checking e-mail, I got one from an OP I used and have no refills with, nonetheless they wrote saying they sent my package COD - which I NEVER ordered (no refills) and besides I have $15 to my name, no job, bills and no money to pay them, etc...etc. I thought to myself, isn't that just like the devil to tempt me to find the money to get COD on Monday and I'll be da**ed if I have anyone to borrow it from. What's strange is that I e-mailed them a few months ago regarding my 2nd refill (what the cost would be) and just now I get mail telling me the amt. and that it will arrive Monday. It's a very little known OP with poor cust. serv.I wrote them back saying I did not order and I would refuse. Of course I have to refuse- I ain't got $289. LOL
I am still lathargic but not as weak as day 1-2. I am really feeling depressed today, no bowel movement at all since 2 days ago (sorry I know that's yucky).
I also wanted to say that many people do tapers and I tried them many times with no success- not saying it doesn't work- but I know if I had pills left, I'd use.
This CT is for the dogs. I wish I had a desire to eat but I don't.
Many times in the past 6 years, I wanted to off myself and thought about it as recent as 3 weeks ago. Every time I had an almost full bottle of 120 ct. I wondered what would happen if I just swallowed them all at once. I even wrote my obit so my daugh. wouldn't have to. I made a will.
I remember somewhere on this board, someone wrote that once you become totally clean- your emotions go back to where they were when u got addicted. Mine was extreme stress after major hip surgery having severe probs. with my daugh. Thank God she is not at all where she was emotionally back then. I can pinpoint exactly when after 3 months after surgery I started taking more pills thinking I was dealing with stress.
Dang, I honestly feel so alone today. It's even hard to write all of this but dang it, I HAVE to make it.
