Hi All - I found indication of drug use in my car after son borrowed it. I showed it to him. he tried to cover - "not what you think - from long ago - fell out of wallet - don't even like it" - etc.
I was not even upset. It just confirms what we already suspect. I was able to tell him "this is what is ruining your life, not us" finding it gave me more resolve to stick to my boundaries and not feel sorry for him. the ball is in his court. he needs to come to terms w himself. maybe the exposure will help him make better decisions. I think the exposure will make him less likely to continue to complain about how "all his $ goes to gas and food"..... maybe he will be too embarrassed to stop in to our house. yes, this is easier bc he is not living at home at the moment. it will be awkward if he comes back. but I have more ammunition to say - recovery center or no living here - that's what I would like to say - hopefully I can follow thru.
I actually feel better, that I am not accusing of something he is not doing. I feel peace that this is not our doing. It is his choices and the meds and street drugs are what are messing him up. I hope he 'gets' it soon. maybe he wont. that will be sad.
He kept it a pretty tight secret - until he borrowed my car while his was getting fixed. if he was acting like a normal person, he would have brought his own car to get fixed and would not have been in such a hurry/emergency to take mine.
so annoying that he cant see how the addiction messes up everything, all day, every day. and how no addiction would actually be far less complicated.
maybe the fact that I have started 'recovery' has helped me. I know I am doing right and I have a place to go to deal w my sanity.
NY, I think one of the hardest parts of addiction is the secrecy and lies. We question ourselves - did that really happen? Is he/she telling the truth? I think back to when my son first started using and I had absolutely no idea. Then when his behavior became erratic, I thought it was from his depression and anxiety. I was very gullible, but I just didn't know any better. My son was really good at hiding his use until he spiraled downhill and there was no way to hide it any longer.
I'm sorry you now know for certain your son is using again, but I'm glad you know you weren't accusing him falsely.
I'm sorry you now know for certain your son is using again, but I'm glad you know you weren't accusing him falsely.
Really sorry to hear. I really hate the lying aspect of addiction too. Sadly with my son the default position is absolutely not to believe a word he says unless i know it to be fact and thats a terrible state of affairs as its the exact opposite of how a parent / 'child' relationship should be.
NY, you nailed it when you mentioned starting your recovery...i think the handbook of addiction and loved ones follows the same path. Shock, shame and secrecy. Shock...I cannot believe my child is involved with their DOC, it must be something else. How did I miss the signs, where did we go wrong...etc, etc. Shame...indeed, all the signs point to addiction. My child is in the fight of their life, and I am scared to death that the world will find out. Secrecy....i will help keep the truth hidden, cover-up the decisions, smooth things over in the hope that my child will see how to live a decent life, and finally carry their own torch. We all get through these phases in our own time, and pace. But until we get there, our recovery does not srart. Until we break up with their addiction, we carry our own addiction to living a delusional life. No one wants to think of a child hitting "bottom", but unless THEY are willing to set down the burden of addiction, and do the work of finding a way to navigate the natural ebb and flow of life without a constant need to numb, nothing changes. We can only follow our path of recovery. We will go down with them if we do not. Sending peace, Libby
So sorry to hear about this. The manipulation is so difficult because we would never do this to them. However, the addiction drives this inexcusable behavior.
My son is getting honest with us. He admitted that he had much more money than he told us. And, he spent it all on drugs. He helped a man with a clean-up project for money, at the same time we were helping him because he lost his job. He told us that he took the money he earned from this side job (that we did not know about) and threw a big party for his friends instead of admitting he had money. He let us help him, believing he had zero income and even come up with a payment plan he had not intention of ever paying us back for. He felt no remorse at the time, but now that his brain is clean, he said the guilt was eating him up.
I tell this story to keep us strong. They are adults and need to deal with their issues. We don't need to feel guilty or give into the manipulation.
HUGS to all on this journey.
My son is getting honest with us. He admitted that he had much more money than he told us. And, he spent it all on drugs. He helped a man with a clean-up project for money, at the same time we were helping him because he lost his job. He told us that he took the money he earned from this side job (that we did not know about) and threw a big party for his friends instead of admitting he had money. He let us help him, believing he had zero income and even come up with a payment plan he had not intention of ever paying us back for. He felt no remorse at the time, but now that his brain is clean, he said the guilt was eating him up.
I tell this story to keep us strong. They are adults and need to deal with their issues. We don't need to feel guilty or give into the manipulation.
HUGS to all on this journey.
thank you all for responding. it helps to read your words of encouragement and stories. all you say is true, I have had the same thoughts, similar situations. I can only say we have spent the last year thinking - if he's working that is good - he will see the light and get out of this... he's seeing dr and counselor - he will soon see what he is doing to himself and stop this... he had a period of work, no work, surely he will see that work is better than no work.... surely he will want to cover his own basic needs of food, clothing, shelter and transportation... (apparently his first basic need is meds/drugs - we end up supplementing his food, clothing, shelter) each week we wait and look for improvement... its not happening, time for US to change our thinking.
the past two months I have seen the best and worst of my son. idk at what points he had more meds/drugs, less meds/drugs, withdrawal, side effects, med/drug interactions.... I'm tired of trying to figure it out - is it drugs, medications, mental illness.. all of the above.. He knows what's going on.
I have entered MY own recovery. Last week he told me to 'focus on something else'. It cant be anymore plain than that.
the past two months I have seen the best and worst of my son. idk at what points he had more meds/drugs, less meds/drugs, withdrawal, side effects, med/drug interactions.... I'm tired of trying to figure it out - is it drugs, medications, mental illness.. all of the above.. He knows what's going on.
I have entered MY own recovery. Last week he told me to 'focus on something else'. It cant be anymore plain than that.
