Well today was an interesting day. I got a great night's sleep (8 hours, which is rare for me) and went into the city for the first time today. Light day for a monday, and figured I'd stick around and go to 1 of 2 meetings I found on the net (I'd rather not name them, at least for now.) I called, and talked to this guy. We chatted for about 10 minutes, and he started asking me if I was ready to surrender myself to God and admit I have a disease.
Dont worry, I did not touch a single opiate, but my response wasnt positive.
I told him when I flushed, 400 pills down the toilet, I was beginning the start of a war, to a victory. I'm sorry, victory and surrender to not go together in the same sentence in any type of situation when your on a team. I do believe in God. I pray to God. I pray to my grandparents(who practically raise me) to help me beat this demon, kick it's a**. But not once, did I ever use the word surrender. I will admit I am a recovering drug adddict, but again...the same with victory, recover and surrender do not go hand in hand with me. I have been opiate free for 8 days, yes a small ammount of time but it's the longest I've ever gone without opiates, I look forward to day 9 tomorrow.
This is my problem. I want to attend meetings. Not only to help myself but to help others, but if i hear the word surrender again it will freak me out. I used weapons to get this far. Weapons to fight "the craving". Whenever I want one, one weapon is my black tabby that purrs like a lion when i hug him. Right away the craving goes away. I hug Tina. I pray to God. I talk to all of you, who have been absolutely fantastic. If I write a book about my experiences one day, you'll all be in it.
Day 8, opiate free, didnt go to a meeting but wonder if I accomplished something today telling this guy this wasnt my direction. Surrendering is a weakness, and weakness can lead to a relapse, it just did not make sense to me.
Maybe I'll try attending a meeting one at a time till I find the right one. I've always believed in winning, getting it all. I still have a great business, the greatest girl in the world, and this may sound silly, my cats. They are so amazing.
Most of you probably will not agree with this message, but I just had to let it out. If you disagree thats fine. Either way, every one of you are in my prayers every night. Thank you for listening. - Chris
P.S. I got a call from my ex-dealer today. I used to pay 6 bucks for a 10 yellow pill. I told him I was done. He called me back to lower the price to 5, in another phone call to 3, boy I must have been a huge client. He told me he'd throw me 50 for free. I told him if he did that, and really wanted to do it to meet me in the diner we used to eat at, I'd grab him by the ear and flush those 50 down the toilet along with sticking his head in it afterwards. Any calls after that, I call the cops. Have not heard from him since. I hope he doesnt call back. - Again, god bless. - Chris
Chris, you sound like an intelligent articulate man. I am so proud of you for your fight to get clean and remain that way.
Just remember one thing....surrendering...is NOT a sign of weakness, in fact to me and a lot of others it is a taking back of complete and utter power.
You are mincing words and a bit confused to think that if you surrender your addiction issues and turn your will and life over to a higher power that you are somehow loosing something, you are wrong.
Addiction is a very powerful and cunning disease. Willpower has absolutely nothing to do with the "winning" the war. All it means is that you don't have to fight alone...there is a quiet peace in that.
I tried so many times to not surrender and it had me relapsing time and time again.
I so believe you are doing all the right things....don't get hung up on semantics...surrender and move forward...its so liberating!
Just remember one thing....surrendering...is NOT a sign of weakness, in fact to me and a lot of others it is a taking back of complete and utter power.
You are mincing words and a bit confused to think that if you surrender your addiction issues and turn your will and life over to a higher power that you are somehow loosing something, you are wrong.
Addiction is a very powerful and cunning disease. Willpower has absolutely nothing to do with the "winning" the war. All it means is that you don't have to fight alone...there is a quiet peace in that.
I tried so many times to not surrender and it had me relapsing time and time again.
I so believe you are doing all the right things....don't get hung up on semantics...surrender and move forward...its so liberating!
Just can't do it. I ask for God's help, my grandparents(God rest thier souls.) First off I want to apologize for what I said before, my definition of surrendering was something I was applying to myself, not anyone else. If that is your way and it is working God Bless you. I apologize if I offended anyone.
I've always been a fighter, had abusive parents, until the day I moved out and knocked out my stepdad and broke his nose when he made a mistake, he thought he was hitting a scared little boy..that day I turned into a man.
I'm not a violent person by any means, but man was that liberating. I'm sorry I am just blabbing here.
I'm in my 8th day of recovery, so I will admit I'm a novice at this, and I may be wrong at the way I am pursuing this. But I have to try it this way for now because it has been successful. If I fail, just like with business, I'll change my strategy and find one until it works.
Again my apologies to anyone I may have offended. My concern now is will a group have me if I refuse to "surrender". I admitted I was an addict. Now I am a recovering addict. My grand-dad was a military man and is my hero, my only regrets is that he never met my girl(along with my grandmother.) I'm feeling better and better each day doing it this way, if it fails, I promise you all I will return here for further guidance. I continue posting day by day if that is ok with you, thank you all again for your support, take care and God Bless. - Chris
I've always been a fighter, had abusive parents, until the day I moved out and knocked out my stepdad and broke his nose when he made a mistake, he thought he was hitting a scared little boy..that day I turned into a man.
I'm not a violent person by any means, but man was that liberating. I'm sorry I am just blabbing here.
I'm in my 8th day of recovery, so I will admit I'm a novice at this, and I may be wrong at the way I am pursuing this. But I have to try it this way for now because it has been successful. If I fail, just like with business, I'll change my strategy and find one until it works.
Again my apologies to anyone I may have offended. My concern now is will a group have me if I refuse to "surrender". I admitted I was an addict. Now I am a recovering addict. My grand-dad was a military man and is my hero, my only regrets is that he never met my girl(along with my grandmother.) I'm feeling better and better each day doing it this way, if it fails, I promise you all I will return here for further guidance. I continue posting day by day if that is ok with you, thank you all again for your support, take care and God Bless. - Chris
Hey Chris, This board has all types of different resources for recovery programs, just as it has a variety of people who have maintained their sobriety with 12 steps programs as well as those who have remained sober with non 12 step recovery programs.
This forum is not exclusive to any one program, so I am pretty confident that your sharing will be respected. Just as I am sure you respect those who do embrace the 12 step program.
Angry? Well not sure why really, it is just differences of beliefs. I am sure Mr AA didn't get mad about your conversation. It is all about acceptance of each other. Regardless.
When you get a chance if you haven't already, this site offers so many resources regarding addiction/recovery/and beyond, for the members here.
I commend your courage, and strength on your quest to sobriety.
Took a lot of guts/willpower to toss those pills. You are clearly a man on a serious misson.
This forum is not exclusive to any one program, so I am pretty confident that your sharing will be respected. Just as I am sure you respect those who do embrace the 12 step program.
Angry? Well not sure why really, it is just differences of beliefs. I am sure Mr AA didn't get mad about your conversation. It is all about acceptance of each other. Regardless.
When you get a chance if you haven't already, this site offers so many resources regarding addiction/recovery/and beyond, for the members here.
I commend your courage, and strength on your quest to sobriety.
Took a lot of guts/willpower to toss those pills. You are clearly a man on a serious misson.
Chris, absolutely no offense taken.
I am really impressed by your dedication to get clean. I know its a scary process and we go through alot of emotions in these first days and weeks of recovery.
Brooke is right there are others ways to remain clean. Sobriety is a journey and a way of life in my opinion. The point is that whatever you do...its a must that you something anything.
Big difference in quitting and recovery. You are pointed in the right direction by accepting that. There is no easy answer. I was lost for so long when I quit c/t for so long. It never even dawned on me that I needed help beyond quitting. Again another symptom of addiction.
I am ok with surrendering. You don't have to be...that is ok, as long as you find something and someone to do it with. Other people like you that truly understand is the key.
Good for you for telling your dealer to pound sand. I am so over the pills and had a scare a while back when I hurt myself and needed pain relief. What I found out is that pills sickened me. The reminder of what I did to myself all those years brought about a self loathing that I had never felt. I talked about it in a meeting and was relieved when I could work through that and put those feelings to bed.
I also have a therapist that I see once a week to deal with life issues....it is all those life issues that perhaps leads us to drug abuse in the first place. The inability to appropriately process feelings because of childhood issues much like the one you have described. We all have them...its just how we deal with them now that keeps us moving forward to live a better more fulfilled life.
You are doing great....keep up the fight and talk it out.
I am really impressed by your dedication to get clean. I know its a scary process and we go through alot of emotions in these first days and weeks of recovery.
Brooke is right there are others ways to remain clean. Sobriety is a journey and a way of life in my opinion. The point is that whatever you do...its a must that you something anything.
Big difference in quitting and recovery. You are pointed in the right direction by accepting that. There is no easy answer. I was lost for so long when I quit c/t for so long. It never even dawned on me that I needed help beyond quitting. Again another symptom of addiction.
I am ok with surrendering. You don't have to be...that is ok, as long as you find something and someone to do it with. Other people like you that truly understand is the key.
Good for you for telling your dealer to pound sand. I am so over the pills and had a scare a while back when I hurt myself and needed pain relief. What I found out is that pills sickened me. The reminder of what I did to myself all those years brought about a self loathing that I had never felt. I talked about it in a meeting and was relieved when I could work through that and put those feelings to bed.
I also have a therapist that I see once a week to deal with life issues....it is all those life issues that perhaps leads us to drug abuse in the first place. The inability to appropriately process feelings because of childhood issues much like the one you have described. We all have them...its just how we deal with them now that keeps us moving forward to live a better more fulfilled life.
You are doing great....keep up the fight and talk it out.
I think NA really stands for "Never Alone". <smile>
chris i am worried
i only have 9 mos clean so by no means do i know alot yet,
this is whats been told to me, na works and without it you will surely relapse,
steps are what has helped addicts to be free from the bondage drugs have on us.
step one is the foundation for the other 11, if you dont get step one down than how can you go to steps 2-12?
surrender and a total one at that opens you up to start the course.
going to other meetings to avoid hearing that word surrender is not gonna happen, those slogans are repeated over and over (e.g. it works if you work it.)
surrendering is by no means a sign of weakness, its just saying that drugs had power over me and i am going to step back and let someone help me. my life had become unmanageable.
i have heard so many people say i tried so many times to do it on my own, greg says at meetings i tried to go under na, over na, around na and everytime he tried it on his own the relapses progressed to the point where he tried to kill himself numerous times, he says God's not ready for me and i know i HAVE to surrender to this powerful force (addiction) or i will be dead.
i am now seeing it the na way, i am now a believer, i relapse whenever i try it on my own, remember jails institutions and death, sometimes it doesnt occur in that order. you are on such a roll, dont quit now! jewels
i only have 9 mos clean so by no means do i know alot yet,
this is whats been told to me, na works and without it you will surely relapse,
steps are what has helped addicts to be free from the bondage drugs have on us.
step one is the foundation for the other 11, if you dont get step one down than how can you go to steps 2-12?
surrender and a total one at that opens you up to start the course.
going to other meetings to avoid hearing that word surrender is not gonna happen, those slogans are repeated over and over (e.g. it works if you work it.)
surrendering is by no means a sign of weakness, its just saying that drugs had power over me and i am going to step back and let someone help me. my life had become unmanageable.
i have heard so many people say i tried so many times to do it on my own, greg says at meetings i tried to go under na, over na, around na and everytime he tried it on his own the relapses progressed to the point where he tried to kill himself numerous times, he says God's not ready for me and i know i HAVE to surrender to this powerful force (addiction) or i will be dead.
i am now seeing it the na way, i am now a believer, i relapse whenever i try it on my own, remember jails institutions and death, sometimes it doesnt occur in that order. you are on such a roll, dont quit now! jewels
Jewels, thanks for writing.
I over-reacted when I said I would "freak out" if I heard the word surrender at a meeting. I got into one argument with a person and had a disagreement, and was angry about the possibility of not being able to find meetings who would accept me as a person who never surrenders. If a person in recovery was at a meeting I attended, I would totally respect him, and his way of doing it. My main concern is finding a meeting who will hear my story, and accept me for who I am. Please read the following link, and I think you will get a better idea of what type of person I am. Also feel free to visit my homepage, and you will see I'm quite looking forward to being a family man with an amazing girl. This is the link I wrote a few days ago, it is (I think) very positive.)
http://addictionrecoveryguide.com/m...ST&f=19&t=50927
Take care Jewels, God Bless. - Chris
I over-reacted when I said I would "freak out" if I heard the word surrender at a meeting. I got into one argument with a person and had a disagreement, and was angry about the possibility of not being able to find meetings who would accept me as a person who never surrenders. If a person in recovery was at a meeting I attended, I would totally respect him, and his way of doing it. My main concern is finding a meeting who will hear my story, and accept me for who I am. Please read the following link, and I think you will get a better idea of what type of person I am. Also feel free to visit my homepage, and you will see I'm quite looking forward to being a family man with an amazing girl. This is the link I wrote a few days ago, it is (I think) very positive.)
http://addictionrecoveryguide.com/m...ST&f=19&t=50927
Take care Jewels, God Bless. - Chris
sometimes you have to surrender to win.................
Hi Chris
Congratulations on 8 days. It will get easier, I promise. One meaning of the word surrender that I heard in AA was "to go over to the winning side". I was freaked out at the thought of giving up control of my life and letting someone else run the show for me. But after I thought about it, how much control did I really have. I certainly didn't have control over my pill usage. No matter how many times I tried to take "just one" it would turn into at least 10. Nope, no control there. I had to move from IN to FL because I had no control over the people I was hanging around with. They were all pill abusers. I couldn't work. I was too high. No, my way was not working at all. I was taught to find a power greater than myself and made a decision to turn my will and my life over to that power. Some people use God, some use the rooms of AA/NA, some use something completely different, but they surrender to that power. It works. There was no shame or disgrace for me to let someone else run the show for a while. I had certainly made a mess of my life so what harm would it do to let someone or something else run it for a while? I could always take back control if I didn't like it, right? So I gave it a try and my life has changed so much for the better. Giving up what I thought was control of my life was the best thing I have ever done. As long as I continued to run it I couldn't learn the right way of doing things.
Keep going to meetings and just listen for a while. Learn what people mean by surrender before you get angry. Maybe you will change your mind, maybe not. It's worth a few hours to find out. Your whole life could change for the better.
Congratulations on 8 days. It will get easier, I promise. One meaning of the word surrender that I heard in AA was "to go over to the winning side". I was freaked out at the thought of giving up control of my life and letting someone else run the show for me. But after I thought about it, how much control did I really have. I certainly didn't have control over my pill usage. No matter how many times I tried to take "just one" it would turn into at least 10. Nope, no control there. I had to move from IN to FL because I had no control over the people I was hanging around with. They were all pill abusers. I couldn't work. I was too high. No, my way was not working at all. I was taught to find a power greater than myself and made a decision to turn my will and my life over to that power. Some people use God, some use the rooms of AA/NA, some use something completely different, but they surrender to that power. It works. There was no shame or disgrace for me to let someone else run the show for a while. I had certainly made a mess of my life so what harm would it do to let someone or something else run it for a while? I could always take back control if I didn't like it, right? So I gave it a try and my life has changed so much for the better. Giving up what I thought was control of my life was the best thing I have ever done. As long as I continued to run it I couldn't learn the right way of doing things.
Keep going to meetings and just listen for a while. Learn what people mean by surrender before you get angry. Maybe you will change your mind, maybe not. It's worth a few hours to find out. Your whole life could change for the better.
Just not the way I do things, (by the way its day 11 now. :)
I told my dealer I'd call the police if he called me again, this was 2 days ago after 5 phone calls lowering the price in one day. I physically threatened as well, in doing that..on purpose, will keep me not only from calling him, but getting pills. I cut myself off. I know new opportunities may arise, and I've discussed this with friends who currently are opiate addicts and told them either they get off of them, or we're done. I flushed a little over 400 pills, $2,400.00 worth of pills down the toilet in one flush. I felt like a gladiator against 400 demons and kicked thier a** with one swing of the sword (Or in this case, one flush of the handle. (Sorry, I can get dramatic at times. :) I',m not saying surrendering is the wrong way, or the right way, but right now...it's my way. Is thier a chance of me succeeding my way? Certainly. Is there a chance of me failing this way? Of course there is. But so far it is working. And my grandfather, who is my HERO always said if it aint broke, don't fix it. And so far it isnt broken. Every morning since this past saturday Ihave been feeling like a new man, a stronger man. A man period. My appetite is back, my sex life has been great the past few days, and while I still feel the tiny, tiny pain in my legs, its less painful than after I finish my softball games, no pain, no gain.
About a month into opiates, a friend of mine, who also is still currently on the poison, said look at us, we're in control. I told him we were drug addicts. I always admitted to being a drug addict very shortly after using. I knew what the deal was. I didnt lie to myself. I loved it, but still...knew I was an addict.
The sunday before last, we got rear ended by a teen going like 3 miles an hour. That's the evening I was reborn. What if he was going 50? 80? I believe that was my grandfather, and God tapping me on the shoulder telling me it is time to stop, because another will be coming. 4 hours later, 400+ pills were on thier way to the sewer system, and I knew I was going to be in for one hell of a week.
I'm not alone in this. I see a therapist twice a month. She knows all my demons. She knows me like an expert mechanic knowing the inside of his 76 classic chevy nova. The first month I didnt talk, she suggested xanax, then I started spilling my guts. I saw her this past Monday with most of the w/d symptoms subsided. She told me I looked handsome. I told her what I did the week before, and our session began. She gave me her personal cell phone # when I told her what I did, and if the demon knocked on my door to call her right away. So far I have not used that #.
I do want to go to meetings, just as long as they dont judge me for not surrendering. God Bless. - Chris
I told my dealer I'd call the police if he called me again, this was 2 days ago after 5 phone calls lowering the price in one day. I physically threatened as well, in doing that..on purpose, will keep me not only from calling him, but getting pills. I cut myself off. I know new opportunities may arise, and I've discussed this with friends who currently are opiate addicts and told them either they get off of them, or we're done. I flushed a little over 400 pills, $2,400.00 worth of pills down the toilet in one flush. I felt like a gladiator against 400 demons and kicked thier a** with one swing of the sword (Or in this case, one flush of the handle. (Sorry, I can get dramatic at times. :) I',m not saying surrendering is the wrong way, or the right way, but right now...it's my way. Is thier a chance of me succeeding my way? Certainly. Is there a chance of me failing this way? Of course there is. But so far it is working. And my grandfather, who is my HERO always said if it aint broke, don't fix it. And so far it isnt broken. Every morning since this past saturday Ihave been feeling like a new man, a stronger man. A man period. My appetite is back, my sex life has been great the past few days, and while I still feel the tiny, tiny pain in my legs, its less painful than after I finish my softball games, no pain, no gain.
About a month into opiates, a friend of mine, who also is still currently on the poison, said look at us, we're in control. I told him we were drug addicts. I always admitted to being a drug addict very shortly after using. I knew what the deal was. I didnt lie to myself. I loved it, but still...knew I was an addict.
The sunday before last, we got rear ended by a teen going like 3 miles an hour. That's the evening I was reborn. What if he was going 50? 80? I believe that was my grandfather, and God tapping me on the shoulder telling me it is time to stop, because another will be coming. 4 hours later, 400+ pills were on thier way to the sewer system, and I knew I was going to be in for one hell of a week.
I'm not alone in this. I see a therapist twice a month. She knows all my demons. She knows me like an expert mechanic knowing the inside of his 76 classic chevy nova. The first month I didnt talk, she suggested xanax, then I started spilling my guts. I saw her this past Monday with most of the w/d symptoms subsided. She told me I looked handsome. I told her what I did the week before, and our session began. She gave me her personal cell phone # when I told her what I did, and if the demon knocked on my door to call her right away. So far I have not used that #.
I do want to go to meetings, just as long as they dont judge me for not surrendering. God Bless. - Chris
Chris You are a real inspiration to me keep posting this good stuff
