Froggy

Froggy, howdy! Where are you? How are you? Please check in. We miss you!
Hey August

I'm around, just not posting. I'm struggling, big time. I'm going between periods of being comatose to not caring to I don't know.
Hey Froggy,

When you're ready to jump off the insanity train, we're here, hands out, willing to do whatever it takes to help you stay clean & sober. It's all got to start with you, though.

Until then, I will keep you in my prayers....I remember well the h*ll you're in now, and I thank God that he put people here that had quality sobriety & that those women reached out and helped me, one day at a time.

Take care, stay safe.
God bless,
Stacey
I'm clean. Its not that. I have a history of depression. Just been dormat for years and well its decided to show its ugly face.

I know what I have to do, just having trouble doing it. I need help and thats where the struggle comes in. My depression was pretty severe at one time. I was hospitalized with it on and off. Was the start of the end of my marriage and other things. I'm afraid to tell others what I'm thinking and what I'm like when they arent' with me. I'm an addict therefore my lying is very convincing, even to my na friends (the only ones i even see anymore) I figure I'm not lying about using anymore so. Its only hurting me so...

The kids are staying with their father because I just need to be alone. He is worried about me too. Even after being a part for 14 yrs he still knows me best out of anyone. He is a counsellor and I have to lie especially to him about how I am doing. I won't see him face to face. I'm afraid of an "intervention" and that fricking hospital. I'll get through this on my own. I have to. Its like I have something to prove although realistically I know I don't.

QUOTE
ll get through this on my own. I have to. Its like I have something to prove although realistically I know I don't.


Froggy, there is a saying in the rooms: "we are only as sick as our secrets." When I came in I believed that I was not really human. I had devolved to a subhuman like creature--narcissistic in the extreme; self centered beyond comprehension, to the point of paranoia. I was incapable of showing interest in anyone other than myself, and danced between fear of everything around me, and anger at whatever or whomever was closest to me at the moment. I suffered from depression for years, and it did not lift right away when I got clean. It took time, and it took hard work.

I took a two pronged approach: therapy and 12 step recovery. I started with a good mental health therapist, one well versed in addiction issues. It took her about two years to break through my denial so that I could admit that I was an addict. She supported 12 step recovery for the community it offered and spiritual side of the program. She encouraged me to continue going on the countless occasions when I got angry at something somebody said and vowed never to return.

What I learned over the years is that I am prone to depression. As I have stayed sober, I have had at least three major depressive episodes. I had to work through each one without using to emerge on the other side. I may have more episodes in the future, but it seems that they come much further apart and with less intensity than they did in the past. The last one was after I was pronounced in remission from cancer. Dying is hard; living is harder.

We cannot run away from that side of ourselves. What we have to do is learn to get strong enough to face the core issues of our depression and walk through it to the other side.

Each time we get overwhelmed and use, we "kick the can" down the road. We will have to face that issue again until we are able to walk through it.

A good therapist is really helpful, Froggy. Good sponsors and good friends in the meetings are the next best thing. Ideally, we rely on both while we are healing.

I will not pretend to know the *real* you, but what you have revealed to me is a lovely sensitive woman who loves her daughter, wants to be productive in work, and who cares deeply about those around her. This places you among the finest people I have ever known.

Let us love you as you learn to love yourself, Froggy.

Ribbet.

I need help. Very scared of that help.
what do you think will happen if you get help?
what do you think will happen if you don't get help?
Sometimes it helps to keep it simple . . . one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Hang in there! Keep posting ;-)
almost
Keeping it simple sounds so ummmm simple. Wish I could. What am I afraid of by getting help? Well for starters, been there done that before. I would rather suffer in silence then go back to the hospital. They drugged me up so I didn't know come here. I didn't have control over anything. I know I'm not bad enough for that but I'm not exactly thinking perfect right now.

I'll be fine.
sometimes you just have to take care of yourself and that's good enough.
Froggy,

Have you thought about what August did? Looks like his experience turned into a solid recovery program.

Could you take that step & find a therapist? And then on the flip side, start working with your sponsor.

I know for me, I was diagnosed bi-polar and was on several different anti-depressents and the miracle was, after I quit drinking & then taking my self-prescribed cocktails, I also came off the anti-depressents and after about 6 months of getting clean and working with a sponsor and going to meetings, things really, really shifted for me.

I love the concept of keeping it simple and in order for me to do that, I have to take some actions in my recovery. So how about making a phone call for a therapy appointment? You don't need to do this alone nor do you need to suffer.

xoxo
Stacey
Hi Froggy - I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I don't pretend to know about the subject. Sure I've been down but nothing that really lasted. What I find for me is that I procrastinate the most important thing on my "to do" list. I think it's fear for me. I do know that getting started is the hardest part. Afterwards I wonder why I waited so long.

If you go and get some help now, you may be avoiding a trip to the hospital. Please don't wait until it gets that bad to get started. You are worth it!
Hey Now,

Easy Does It.

I love that one.

Another favorite line from the NA basic Text.

Addiction and Withdrawal distorts rational thought.

So you want me to chill out while my mind is savagely paralyzing me.

I learned about recovery from this dude Ryan along time ago, he would always answer my questions like the one above with.

Ah, Yes and No.

Yes-I want you to chill the f*** out.

No-I am not telling you do to nothing.

As I returned back to living clean this last time, I made 2 commitments.

1. I would not use, Just for Today. No Matter what.

2. I would not believe what my mind was telling me about my past,( I was to far gone) nor the future ( It will never work).

That is it.

This provide me with a clear cut goal.

So Yes and No.

Yes--I heard the voices, the doom, the gloom, the fear and the despair.

No--I did not believe they were my truth,

and

Yes I wanted to use very, very badly.

No--I did not use.

The recovery community has made such enormous strides over the last 20 years.

I don't think the words Neurotransmitter or dopamine receptor where around when I first was introduced. Nor did I stay clean upon my first introduction.

Now they explain so much about my feelings, my emotions. what the hell I was going through.

I know how scary this all is, I know how the light dims. However Froggy your light is so bright, Your gifts numerous. I really hope you stick around. We need folks like you to carry the message. You know this one...

That an addict any addict seeking recovery need not perish.

Keep on Growing
Inspiring. Be Here Now.
I guess I don't understand why you are afraid of help? What is it that frightens you? That you'll finally be free and live a clean and sober life? Hello? I don't understand the depression...it's not something I went through so I can't comment on that. What I can comment on is you and your responsiblity to your children. They need thier mother Hilary. They deserve this, so do you.

I know that you've reached out here and kuddos for that. But "here" is safe because it's not face to face. But it's good practice. Use what you've learned here and apply it in your "real" life.

I saw in another thread that you had gotten a sponsor...are you calling her? If not, do it today. If you don't do anything else today, that's ok...just pick up that phone.

I wonder if you have any idea just how precious you are?
Lisa, welcome back

I'll try to make this make sense. I'm not afraid of actually getting help, just afraid of the kind of help they will give me. In the past I've been put in the hospital, not willingly either. If depression was my only issue then I know I'm not bad enough for that. Using isn't the issue either.

I can't talk to my sponsor about this. I don't feel this has to do with my addiction. All my problems right now are self inflicted. I have an eating disorder. I was able to keep it dormat for years. Since getting clean though it has shown its ugly face again. Its a control thing. I was able to control it at 1 time now it controls me. A few ppl know but I've made them sign in blood that they won't say anything.

Because this isnt addiction related I never brought it up before but I had to shine some light on this. I want help BUT I don't want to gain the weight I've lost back either and don't want to be hospitalized. I'm working on it alone.

Anyway, enough about me. How is your day?

Please know I love you all and the respect I have for all of you is enormous. I just have to do this one on my own. Know that I'm ok, really.

ribbet ribbet
Because this isnt addiction related I never brought it up before but I had to shine some light on this.

It's probably much more related than you realize and just know that when your way quits working, there are other avenues to try. You'd be amazed at how the Steps relieved me not only of my pill-popping/drinking issues but of my "other" control related issues...It's all related, sweetie, it just takes an awesome sponsor to show us the how & why's of us and the actions we need to take.

I pray for the best outcome for you...always.

Good luck,
Stacey
I agree with Stacey...it is probably more related than you know...this is what I mean by getting to the "why" we used. The "why" we self-medicated. We can't live a healthy happy life until we can let that crap go.

You haven't let it go.

I understand that you are afraid to be put back into a hospital against your will...I would be too. So maybe this is something for your sponsor and for meetings? They don't have the power to put you in the hospital but your sponsor has the power to help you work through it..if you share it at meetings, others have the power of feedback. It's called "help".

There isn't anything I won't tell my sponsor. She knows my deepest, darkest secrets. And guess what? That make's them not secrets anymore...and it's secrets that keeps us sick.
As the parent of a woman who suffered from exactly what you have so honestly described, I am going to speak some truths to you, Foggyeyes. Most of these you already know...nonetheless, I am putting them out here.

Behaviors are as addictive as any drug...eating disorder and cutting rituals/behaviors in particular; both release those desired chemicals into the brain. My daughter had both eating and cutting issues, it is common that they go hand-in-hand...both are control issues and to some degree attention-seeking issues as well; both are related to major, recurring depression and the cause/effect relationship is difficult to untangle. The absolute paralysis that results from trying to 'handle' this on your own will keep you stuck.

The plain fact is, you lack the tools to go this alone, though I have no doubt whatever that you will continue to try, this disease thrives in solitude and loves for you to be alone...that in itself is part of the underlying illness...I'm sure you know that, too. Sadly, knowing that isn't going to suddenly change a thing...it is far more likely that you will downward spiral until you accept help in one form another, whether that be a meeting, a sponsor, a therapist, or the dreaded hospital (been there, too).

What really saddens me is that you already know all of this and much more, and yet you continue to isolate, knowing full well it won't work, yet saying it will.

I am glad you found these folks, and I am sorry to be so blunt, but this is no time for beating around the bush. What you are going through is serious and troubles me deeply...I care.

Peace ~ MomNMore


Foggy - your eating disorder is addiction related and you CAN talk with your sponsor about this. I had a sponsee who was addicted to pills and suffered from bulimia. Once we addressed this, she was able to go to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and get an OA sponsor - someone who also worked the 12 steps through OA's program. She also sought outside help in the way of a therapist. She's doing great now - both pill free and no longer shoving her fingers down her throat after eating.

Heck, I starting seeing a therapist again after 12 years of sobriety, because of depression issues. Lots of physical maladies led me back to the couch. The Big Book tells us that sometimes we have to seek outside help and that's OK my friend. We do what we have to do so we can live comfortable in our own skin and without using or resorting to harmful behavior, if I might add.

So what if you have to go back into a hospital? I'd much rather see you get the help needed than dead and it's a great possibility that this can be managed on an outpatient basis. Sweet Hilary - you deserve to live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. I pray to the God of my understanding to enable you with courage to take the proper steps to realize this.

Namaste' dear one ~

Sammy
all the love and concern for me overwhelms me. The first step for me is the hardest and I can't take it. I don't know why!!!! I don't know why I'm being like this!!! I want me back and yet everytime I reach out for help I pull back and downplay everything.

I talked to my sponsor yesterday. She knows now about the depression, not the eating disorder..yet. I know I have to tell her.

I need the tough love approach I think. I need a slap in the face to smarten me up. Its like everytime my life is good i get booted. Happened so often (i know i'm not unique and this happens to all) I'm afraid of whats next. Seems good things are always followed by the bad. I get positive then boom. The other shoe will drop. I know i'm not making sense and I"m rambling.

I've been honest with you from day 1. I have a gut feeling I'll be getting visitors tonight so this will be my chance to spill all.

Please just bear with me, please. My secrets are what is keeping me sick. I know this all too well.

I'm going to end this thread now. Please

love you all
xx