The lengths i went to yesterday to score was unbelievable...
It was saturday an as usual i was supposed to be spending it wth my son, only i got a late birthday card in the morning with twenty ponud inside it, from, of all people, my dad. I wasn't expecting it, my mum used to send the cards and she would have got it to me on time, but anyway, it came, "from dad, hope you find the money of some help"...well i did find it of some help, it helped me score.
I felt so f***ing bad going to score, those words just kept repeating in my head, "hope you find the money of sum help", again an again, but it didn't make me feel that bad obviously, coz i still went ahead an bought one of each (brown and white) and the lengths i went to to get it was totally unbelievable and showed me just how much i still crave and love having a hit.
I was kiding myself that i was not into it as i used to be, but today has completley proved otherwise, once and for all, i know that there is never gonna be no light at the end of the tunnel for me, i am NEVER gonna be rid of this crazy addiction that i have. I spent nearly three hours trying to get the gear all for about ten minutes or less of being out of it, then i was totally and utterly pi*sed off that i had no money agion an felt so bad as i was laying there on my bed, the effects of the crack and heroin wearing off an making me feel like sh**,an it was then, of corse it was just at that point that my phone went, it was a message...."where are you dad, from joe.x..".
where am i son? I am in a place that you just don't wanna see me in right now, i am laying here with a syringe at my side and a feeling of total worthlessness rushing through my head...spoons and sterets,filters, citric acid and barrels...this is me, this encapsulates my life....i know that my life is never gonna be free of heroin and crack and i am never gonna stop seeking the devil, i am forever gonna be in that phone box, forever sucking up the liquid into the barrel, forever a junkie...forver a ****...always wishing to be back in that place that i know so well.
When i was a kid i never thought that life would be like this, an it makes it worse that i have made it this way, just me, its all down to me, an i am gonna go on living this way till i die, which will hopefully be very soon coz i am totally sick and tired of this sh**, yet i still crave it, it is f***ing my head up BIGTIME, an i am getting more and more fu**ed up day by day, the end is in sight, i really think that i will leave this world soon, i know ive got my son but i know he can live without me, he's proved that, he's happy with his mum, he doesnt need me in his life to be honest with ya, i have just been kidding myself that he does, trying to make myself believe that he needs me and loves me - no he does love me, i cant say that, he does, but i love heroin and crack more than i love him, what a fu**ed up thing to say, but it has to be true coz i'd rather spend my saturday running around for smack than spending time with him.
TINMAN
Alright..Tman...i certainly dont wanna be blunt but your post has a bit of deja vu bout it...you know yerself when giro day comes round..yer gonna score..and then feel really depressed and angry when your on the comedown...a vicious circle maybe.Your only gonna give up when the negatives of using outweigh any positive aspects....as ya said you love the stuff..and i know you have really cut down in how much you use...but its still got control over your life coz mate i know its just a countdown from one money day till the next.As for saying that yer lad dont need you well i dont think thats true...yer not inside the nick you can both enjoy&find out about each other ..specially at the age hes is...man he needs guidance,love and a voice to listen to...as do you and all of us who struggle through addiction.Tman is it gonna be a week or so of watching the calender...then a brief respite from life thru a spike or rock..then the complete guilt and anger you feel afterwards..choice is yours.Take care bro..........Davey
Hi, Tinman, I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but what I do know is while I read your words I saw a man that is so close to having had enough of his addiction. Just like it's a progressive thing to become an addict, it's a progressive thing to become sober..and it starts with these thoughts you're having. don't lose hope. The day is coming when you've just had a f***in nuff of this addiction. I used to wonder why my daughter just wouldn't quit meth..she had all the knowledge, all the tools, all the love, been in the rehabs, jail, hospitals..the whole nine yards. One day, she'd just had enough!!!! You will too. And that little boy of yours does need you as well as love you. A mum ain't enough, Tinman. He needs you. Don't beat yourself up that you can't do this for him. It's not about whether or not you love him. You simply got caught up in this awful addiction...no worse than any of us parents who make our mistakes..and we all do....just a more unacceptable one, unfortunately. You keep coming here and seeking support...you keep looking to who you want to be...you keep praying to be free of this addiction...and one day you will. What we think about we become...keep thinking about the man you want to be..the man your little boy sees you as...a hero. All is not lost, Tinman. It's just part of recovery. luv corrinne
TIN,
We addicts have all taken a ride on that train.....we get on, we get off, we get back on knowing full well that's were we should be YET we get back off again.....you are no different from the next. Deprogram yourself from your pain and give yourself a chance......will you and everything be perfect...NO....will there be mistakes along the way....well thats pretty obvious.....but is it worth it.....YES!
We addicts have all taken a ride on that train.....we get on, we get off, we get back on knowing full well that's were we should be YET we get back off again.....you are no different from the next. Deprogram yourself from your pain and give yourself a chance......will you and everything be perfect...NO....will there be mistakes along the way....well thats pretty obvious.....but is it worth it.....YES!
Dear Tinman,
Please read and re-read those wonderful words of wisdom from Davey, Corrinne and Darin. You can and will do this when the time is right, and like Corrinne says you seem to be sick of feeling this way. Only YOU can determine when you've had enough and want to get your life back. MANY have done it and you can too. It all starts with a single step in the right direction.
As for your statement about loving the drugs better than your son....I don't believe that for a minute! I have witnessed what the horrible drug called heroin did to my son first hand. He went from caring, kind, hard-working, loving, and helpful to a manipulative, law-breaking, self-centered liar. He put us through HELL! Afterwards he told us it had nothing to do with love. It was all about making a stupid and bad choice that lead to him being controlled by a drug. He felt bad about what he was doing, as you do, but he couldn't stop until he stopped telling himself he couldn't stop. That's a bunch of crap and YOU know it! It's a lie the devil wants you to believe because he wants to keep control of you.
My son went on suboxone and he said that it really helps with the cravings. He had tried many times on his own and wasn't successful. Don't give up on yourself. Explore every avenue of help......meetings, posting here, suboxone, even methadone if you've been controlled by these drugs for a long, long time with no success of getting free.
REMEMBER........YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! We care and we will be here for you. I will pray for you.
Love,
Susan
Please read and re-read those wonderful words of wisdom from Davey, Corrinne and Darin. You can and will do this when the time is right, and like Corrinne says you seem to be sick of feeling this way. Only YOU can determine when you've had enough and want to get your life back. MANY have done it and you can too. It all starts with a single step in the right direction.
As for your statement about loving the drugs better than your son....I don't believe that for a minute! I have witnessed what the horrible drug called heroin did to my son first hand. He went from caring, kind, hard-working, loving, and helpful to a manipulative, law-breaking, self-centered liar. He put us through HELL! Afterwards he told us it had nothing to do with love. It was all about making a stupid and bad choice that lead to him being controlled by a drug. He felt bad about what he was doing, as you do, but he couldn't stop until he stopped telling himself he couldn't stop. That's a bunch of crap and YOU know it! It's a lie the devil wants you to believe because he wants to keep control of you.
My son went on suboxone and he said that it really helps with the cravings. He had tried many times on his own and wasn't successful. Don't give up on yourself. Explore every avenue of help......meetings, posting here, suboxone, even methadone if you've been controlled by these drugs for a long, long time with no success of getting free.
REMEMBER........YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! We care and we will be here for you. I will pray for you.
Love,
Susan
I know what you are all saying is true davey, yes my post does hav a deja vu quality about it, you are exactly right, that is my life one big deja vu, i keep thinking that ive been here before, no i HAVE been here before, but ive been off it before an ive never felt this bad.
A few years ago I was on subutex for almost a year, i hardly ever did gear during that time, although i did crack (smoked it) I managed to stay away from heroin complety, i have been in prison loads of times, i have been on subutex now about 5 times, methadone at the moment, i think that was a mistake to go on that to be honest, an now im on 90ml a day which i know is high but i cant go down now, i fear the outcome of reducing the meth wud leave me wanting to score every day again, i used to spend about 700 quid a week on b and dubs, that seems completley amazng now, to even think that i cud spend that much money, to think that i cud have that much money in the first place, but i was commiting crime evry single day of my life an getting nicked evry month, but i was somehow happier then than i am now, that is a crazy thing to say but looking back i suppose you always think that those times were good, wen they were happinin they were shi*, i hated it, havin to go out evry morning to make enuff for wot i needed, people takin the fu**in piss outta me tryin to get things cheap as f*** coz they knew how much i needed the money...so whers all thi s goin, i dont fu**in no to be honest wiv ya, i am just sittin here thinkin aloud an as i sed b4 i just cant see no end to this sh**.
But i itell ya what i am sick of livin on this shi* money that i get off benefits an i cant work coz then i hav to pay for my place an the rest ov it, an i will be worse off than if i didn't - thats britain 4 ya - but as i said i am totally sick ov livin like a fu**in pauper, no tobacco, no food, no fu* all, as soon as i get my money i buy a game for my son an the rest....well u no the rest..
I still aint turned my fone on coz i dont wanna hear my boy askin wher am i on the a.p or read messages from him, i just cant even turn it on, its mad, i know.
I am now sure that if i had the means i would score as much as i could, i would, no bullsh**, i aint gonna lie about it. Maybe i am nearing the end ov the journey called addiction, i know just about all ther is to know about this drug, the ups the downs, the good ties, the bad times, the rise the fall, yet i know nothing...
i do read these replies, i read them hard, an thank you all 4 takin time to reply, but i just can't get it thru to myself - once an adidict alwayz an addict - aint that what they say??
A few years ago I was on subutex for almost a year, i hardly ever did gear during that time, although i did crack (smoked it) I managed to stay away from heroin complety, i have been in prison loads of times, i have been on subutex now about 5 times, methadone at the moment, i think that was a mistake to go on that to be honest, an now im on 90ml a day which i know is high but i cant go down now, i fear the outcome of reducing the meth wud leave me wanting to score every day again, i used to spend about 700 quid a week on b and dubs, that seems completley amazng now, to even think that i cud spend that much money, to think that i cud have that much money in the first place, but i was commiting crime evry single day of my life an getting nicked evry month, but i was somehow happier then than i am now, that is a crazy thing to say but looking back i suppose you always think that those times were good, wen they were happinin they were shi*, i hated it, havin to go out evry morning to make enuff for wot i needed, people takin the fu**in piss outta me tryin to get things cheap as f*** coz they knew how much i needed the money...so whers all thi s goin, i dont fu**in no to be honest wiv ya, i am just sittin here thinkin aloud an as i sed b4 i just cant see no end to this sh**.
But i itell ya what i am sick of livin on this shi* money that i get off benefits an i cant work coz then i hav to pay for my place an the rest ov it, an i will be worse off than if i didn't - thats britain 4 ya - but as i said i am totally sick ov livin like a fu**in pauper, no tobacco, no food, no fu* all, as soon as i get my money i buy a game for my son an the rest....well u no the rest..
I still aint turned my fone on coz i dont wanna hear my boy askin wher am i on the a.p or read messages from him, i just cant even turn it on, its mad, i know.
I am now sure that if i had the means i would score as much as i could, i would, no bullsh**, i aint gonna lie about it. Maybe i am nearing the end ov the journey called addiction, i know just about all ther is to know about this drug, the ups the downs, the good ties, the bad times, the rise the fall, yet i know nothing...
i do read these replies, i read them hard, an thank you all 4 takin time to reply, but i just can't get it thru to myself - once an adidict alwayz an addict - aint that what they say??
Tinman,
I feel so sad reading your post. You have been so much much help to me through my pain and supposrted me through my porblems.
There is not much I can say that you dont already know apart from I notice in your post that you state the word "CANT" over and over again and the longer you think you cant the longer you wont. I think you have reached a point where you are so sick of the addiction that you would rather be dead. My partner reached that point. Always remember that you CAN and you WILL.
Whenever you feel alone and that you have no one always remember that you have us always! Just like you have been here for us!
Keep strong and remember once an addict always an addict but remember there is a difference between an addict and a recovering addict.
If I can get my partner through this then I will do my damdest to help you! I have just introduced my partner to this site and he relates to everything which you have said. He was brought up in Nottingham where drugs are bad and he recovered although he is going through a relapse now he will get through it. You just need to keep it in your haid that you CAN and you WILL.
BE STRONG. HUGS AND KISSES XXXX BunnyRocker x
I feel so sad reading your post. You have been so much much help to me through my pain and supposrted me through my porblems.
There is not much I can say that you dont already know apart from I notice in your post that you state the word "CANT" over and over again and the longer you think you cant the longer you wont. I think you have reached a point where you are so sick of the addiction that you would rather be dead. My partner reached that point. Always remember that you CAN and you WILL.
Whenever you feel alone and that you have no one always remember that you have us always! Just like you have been here for us!
Keep strong and remember once an addict always an addict but remember there is a difference between an addict and a recovering addict.
If I can get my partner through this then I will do my damdest to help you! I have just introduced my partner to this site and he relates to everything which you have said. He was brought up in Nottingham where drugs are bad and he recovered although he is going through a relapse now he will get through it. You just need to keep it in your haid that you CAN and you WILL.
BE STRONG. HUGS AND KISSES XXXX BunnyRocker x
TinMan,
your post had me crying. i wish that you addicts could look at yourselves from the outside. i would bet that you have so much going for you. i would also bet that deep down inside you really don't mean what you say. after reading the responses from GYAC and all of the others.....just shows how many people care about you.....so what if we are out in cyber space somewhere! Tinman, I love a heroin addict with all my heart, but he just has no room in his life for me. He has said all of the same things to me that you wrote in your post.
he told me that if it weren't for the horrible depression he feels after coming down, he probably wouldn't go out and score again. he says he can handle the PHYSICAL part of the withdrawal, but he can't handle the MENTAL part. but isn't that where support groups, therapy and maintenance drugs come in? How did all of these other people right here on this board kick dope??? If it is so HARD to do, how come so many people here have done it???? i've learned one very valuable piece of info here from these people.........you HAVE TO WANT IT. do you want to be clean TinMan? Don't let your little boy down by leaving this planet over a worthless, self mutilating drug!!!!! how could you let a substance succeed in ruining you? i feel for you and I will keep you in my prayers. i don't know how to handle these things so I have chosen to walk away from my boyfriend. maybe the loss of his job, some of his closest friends and me, will wake him up.........or it won't, but it's not on me any more.
LOVE,
D
your post had me crying. i wish that you addicts could look at yourselves from the outside. i would bet that you have so much going for you. i would also bet that deep down inside you really don't mean what you say. after reading the responses from GYAC and all of the others.....just shows how many people care about you.....so what if we are out in cyber space somewhere! Tinman, I love a heroin addict with all my heart, but he just has no room in his life for me. He has said all of the same things to me that you wrote in your post.
he told me that if it weren't for the horrible depression he feels after coming down, he probably wouldn't go out and score again. he says he can handle the PHYSICAL part of the withdrawal, but he can't handle the MENTAL part. but isn't that where support groups, therapy and maintenance drugs come in? How did all of these other people right here on this board kick dope??? If it is so HARD to do, how come so many people here have done it???? i've learned one very valuable piece of info here from these people.........you HAVE TO WANT IT. do you want to be clean TinMan? Don't let your little boy down by leaving this planet over a worthless, self mutilating drug!!!!! how could you let a substance succeed in ruining you? i feel for you and I will keep you in my prayers. i don't know how to handle these things so I have chosen to walk away from my boyfriend. maybe the loss of his job, some of his closest friends and me, will wake him up.........or it won't, but it's not on me any more.
LOVE,
D
Dear Tinman,
I was reading through a booklet that was sent to me from the Salesian Missions entitled "Keep Hope in Your Heart". When I read the following one, I thought of you and wanted to share it with you. I hope you don't mind.
Someone Loves Us
In times of deep discouragement
And when we're filled with fear,
Someone understands our plight
And holds us very near.
Someone has the answers
When a solution we must find,
Someone has an outstretched hand
And is both merciful and kind.
Someone listens to our pleas
And stands steadfastly by our side
As long as we abide in Him
Amid still waters or rushing tides.
Someone very special cares for us
And will see us through
When the thunderstorms rumble
And our days are dreary and blue.
This "Someone" is our Father
In Heaven up above -
Let us daily feel His presence...
Because by this Someone we are loved.
Linda C. Grazulis
I was reading through a booklet that was sent to me from the Salesian Missions entitled "Keep Hope in Your Heart". When I read the following one, I thought of you and wanted to share it with you. I hope you don't mind.
Someone Loves Us
In times of deep discouragement
And when we're filled with fear,
Someone understands our plight
And holds us very near.
Someone has the answers
When a solution we must find,
Someone has an outstretched hand
And is both merciful and kind.
Someone listens to our pleas
And stands steadfastly by our side
As long as we abide in Him
Amid still waters or rushing tides.
Someone very special cares for us
And will see us through
When the thunderstorms rumble
And our days are dreary and blue.
This "Someone" is our Father
In Heaven up above -
Let us daily feel His presence...
Because by this Someone we are loved.
Linda C. Grazulis
