Well folks today I am on day 3. WOW.....I started this journey last Sept. I was doing great. So I thought. My slip started about 2 weeks ago. I was over a friends house and was using her bathroom and for some reason I opened her med chest...and there sat a bottle of Perc's...they were not even my Drug of choice Sept of last year. I did not take any that night, but I went back this Sat and I did. I took 10 out of her bottle, she had a big a** bottle !! Sunday I took all 10, for no other reason then I wanted to.
The reason I say that it started 2 weeks ago is because once I seen them, thats all I thought about. I also cut back on my NA/AA meetings--big mistake.
So here I am day 3--and must admit that menatlly it took its toll----my body became so sick on Sunday, yet I still took them..
So I am back, and starting this walk again....
hello there, welcome back. relapse always happens before the actual event. i am just so glad you made it thru. take care
carol
carol
Sorry to hear that Oneille, but glad you're doing the only thing you can do, dust yourself off and start over. Congradulations on your new three days and wishing you well. Love, Kat
damn temptation.... you sound like me... you dont look for trouble, trouble looks for you.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Carol,
Thanks---It is great to be back--just upset with myself for getting back into this hole. 1 day took away 9 months, I did not enjoy the day--what bothers me even more is that I took my will back--I have learned that I can not stray from God---I know how touchy this topic is, but when I was praying and felt in line with him, life was good--I also felt the change 2 weeks ago---I felt that special something I had go away--and now I am on day 3 and I am trying to get it back, I am praying and asking for help..but dont feel it--I just hope I have not lost it for good.
Thanks---It is great to be back--just upset with myself for getting back into this hole. 1 day took away 9 months, I did not enjoy the day--what bothers me even more is that I took my will back--I have learned that I can not stray from God---I know how touchy this topic is, but when I was praying and felt in line with him, life was good--I also felt the change 2 weeks ago---I felt that special something I had go away--and now I am on day 3 and I am trying to get it back, I am praying and asking for help..but dont feel it--I just hope I have not lost it for good.
Oneil,
Thank you so much for sharing that with us, it goes to show me that it can happen to anyone.
We will never be free of this, never.
Your post just now reassured me how serious I have to take this.
all the best,
Redd
i have also relapsed. my wife asks why did you make that choice ?there is no answer to that i tell her. she doesnt understand i dont either what makes us do it????
oneill, i wanted to add that you have not lost it, some days you feel it stronger than others. i know i do. some days are darker than others. just know that you are where you are supposed to be and your higher power has plans for you. recovery is not always a smooth process and when my days get dark, i just turn it over to my understanding of a higher power. sometimes all you can say is please remove the obsession and even though we think our link to a higher power is broken, it is always there for the asking.
take care
carol
take care
carol
What makes us do it ? For me I took my will back. It is so clear to me. I took those for no other reason then I wanted to. I remember setting the whole thing up. I set it up, 2 weeks before I did it---so for 2 weeks I had my will back--and I felt the change in myself--2 short and dark weeks. I went right back into that dark zone for 2 weeks--before I went over to take them from her.
I am trying not to rent space in my own head about this, because I know what the answer is, and I also am aware that when I rent space in my head there is nothing but ME !!! I have to admit that I learned from this mistake also that I am my own worst enemy--I have no doubt.
Staying on the right path for me means that I need to always be involved with others that are in recovery, and I need to feel a connection with God..it has taken me 40 years to reach out and ask for help and I did---and I had it--these past months have been the best, yet in 2 short weeks I mentally am right back where I started. Not Fun
I am trying not to rent space in my own head about this, because I know what the answer is, and I also am aware that when I rent space in my head there is nothing but ME !!! I have to admit that I learned from this mistake also that I am my own worst enemy--I have no doubt.
Staying on the right path for me means that I need to always be involved with others that are in recovery, and I need to feel a connection with God..it has taken me 40 years to reach out and ask for help and I did---and I had it--these past months have been the best, yet in 2 short weeks I mentally am right back where I started. Not Fun
that first step about we are powerless and our life is unmanageable really hit home for me when i started writing the step. when i finally understood what that meant i felt freedom. obsession and compulsion are aspects of our powerlessness. give yourself a break and continue forward. dont feel shame and get to a meeting as soon as you can. we as addicts will never be able to control our use no matter what. you using something other than your doc will prove that. i had done that too, simply stated any substance we put in our body reacts in the same manner. our addiction doesnt know the difference between our doc or any other drug we take.
(((hugs to you)))
carol
(((hugs to you)))
carol
hey mike,i know you feel bad right now but look at the postive you stayed clean for 9 months and just because you had a set back don't mean s***,you worked the programs and know what you need to do to get there again and i believe you will do it,you know i'm just being honest when i tell you that when i read this thread i started thinking about how long i'm going to last because right now i feel so good not useing but how long will that last?and what will my state of mind be once the thrill is gone?the good thing is i no longer have a doctor who writes me out perscription's since he booted me from his pratice,atleast you don't have to go through the whole 9 yards with the wd and depression and all so thats deffiantly a plus,just hang in there...........vinny.
Oneil, Thank God you stop it when you did. Be proud of that! That's awsume that you did not let it go out of control . . . meaning you stoped it! Way to go. God Bless You!!!! Keep Strong!!!
oneil,
will you do yourself a favor... look back on this board and see your post of the last say three months...and come forward... somewhere in those three months I think you will start to see a difference in your writing that you will notice that maybe subtle clues to your relapse were coming long before the two weeks of late...
the reason I say that is ... there is often mental/mood reasons if you will why a person lets there meeting attendance falter... for many and for me if is usually that I know deep deep down that I will leave with the awareness of my thoughts bubbling to the surface and like a child that doesnt want to go around there parent cause a parent can 'see right through them' they dont want to go to the meetings to get told... watch out you are heading for trouble... I didnt want to go only to leave feeling worse than when i went... i wanted to be unburdened not troubled and stressed... and if I went and they could see what I wouldnt or couldnt and told me... well heck then I had to choose to worry or shrug it off .. either way I had to listen to the crap.... so why go...... or maybe it was complacentcy ... but I guess I dont know .....
As I have said before ... try to learn from it... take the suggestions of others... and more forward....
best of luck
Tersea
will you do yourself a favor... look back on this board and see your post of the last say three months...and come forward... somewhere in those three months I think you will start to see a difference in your writing that you will notice that maybe subtle clues to your relapse were coming long before the two weeks of late...
the reason I say that is ... there is often mental/mood reasons if you will why a person lets there meeting attendance falter... for many and for me if is usually that I know deep deep down that I will leave with the awareness of my thoughts bubbling to the surface and like a child that doesnt want to go around there parent cause a parent can 'see right through them' they dont want to go to the meetings to get told... watch out you are heading for trouble... I didnt want to go only to leave feeling worse than when i went... i wanted to be unburdened not troubled and stressed... and if I went and they could see what I wouldnt or couldnt and told me... well heck then I had to choose to worry or shrug it off .. either way I had to listen to the crap.... so why go...... or maybe it was complacentcy ... but I guess I dont know .....
As I have said before ... try to learn from it... take the suggestions of others... and more forward....
best of luck
Tersea
O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Psalm 63.1
When a young child is separated from her parents, she will protest their absence. She will experience sadnes, anxiety, anger and longing for her parents to return. These intense emotions are not a sign of her failure as a child.
Her protest is a clear sign of how important her parents are to her.
In the same manner it is easy for us to imagine that God could leave us as well. We may experience silence and distance and we may find ourselves longing for God.
Just as it is good for the child to protest the absence of her parents, it is good for us to protest when we subjectively experience God's absence. It is good to give voice to our longing for God.
O God, do not be silent
Do not be distant
I miss you when you seem so far away
I long for you to be close
I long to know that you care about me
I long for you God
Nothing can replace you
No one can be God but you
Do not be silent
Come. Speak.
I need you. Amen
When a young child is separated from her parents, she will protest their absence. She will experience sadnes, anxiety, anger and longing for her parents to return. These intense emotions are not a sign of her failure as a child.
Her protest is a clear sign of how important her parents are to her.
In the same manner it is easy for us to imagine that God could leave us as well. We may experience silence and distance and we may find ourselves longing for God.
Just as it is good for the child to protest the absence of her parents, it is good for us to protest when we subjectively experience God's absence. It is good to give voice to our longing for God.
O God, do not be silent
Do not be distant
I miss you when you seem so far away
I long for you to be close
I long to know that you care about me
I long for you God
Nothing can replace you
No one can be God but you
Do not be silent
Come. Speak.
I need you. Amen
Carol,
Your post always bring a smile to me stupid face !!! I am back at my home group--back on a 90/90 schedule..I know that I need it. I need to make a call to the person that I took them from, that I have not done--that will be hard--because I used her.
We sure can dig deep hole's cant we !!
Mike
Your post always bring a smile to me stupid face !!! I am back at my home group--back on a 90/90 schedule..I know that I need it. I need to make a call to the person that I took them from, that I have not done--that will be hard--because I used her.
We sure can dig deep hole's cant we !!
Mike
mike,
dont beat yourself up, you are human. it most certainly does not make you weak. what doesnt kill us will only make us stronger. take comfort in that!. you have been going through some tough trials lately. are you seeing a councelor? what made you decide to do that? was it the pain you are suffering? were you just looking for some temp. relief. think about why you went to that extreme. consider what you can do next time you have that urge and be prepared. as vinny said you have the resourses and and are equiped. we all are fallable. use this experience for something good and move forward. if you dwell on it, it will only make it harder and keep you stuck in a crappy place. you have proved your strength to us on numerous occassions. this is no exception. you admitted what you have done. that takes great strength and courage. i commend you and am impressed yet again. that is vary admirable and you have yet again inspired us. hey its ok to be where you are at its not ok to stay there. your definately a fighter mr. boxer man. so get up and kick some a$$ sea bass : ) also i know that physical pain can tend to bring you down. you know the board is here. use it. vent away. again it doesnt make you weak to get out feelings. it's worse when you hold them back. email me if you want to anytime naturesprincess@yahoo.com
terrianne
dont beat yourself up, you are human. it most certainly does not make you weak. what doesnt kill us will only make us stronger. take comfort in that!. you have been going through some tough trials lately. are you seeing a councelor? what made you decide to do that? was it the pain you are suffering? were you just looking for some temp. relief. think about why you went to that extreme. consider what you can do next time you have that urge and be prepared. as vinny said you have the resourses and and are equiped. we all are fallable. use this experience for something good and move forward. if you dwell on it, it will only make it harder and keep you stuck in a crappy place. you have proved your strength to us on numerous occassions. this is no exception. you admitted what you have done. that takes great strength and courage. i commend you and am impressed yet again. that is vary admirable and you have yet again inspired us. hey its ok to be where you are at its not ok to stay there. your definately a fighter mr. boxer man. so get up and kick some a$$ sea bass : ) also i know that physical pain can tend to bring you down. you know the board is here. use it. vent away. again it doesnt make you weak to get out feelings. it's worse when you hold them back. email me if you want to anytime naturesprincess@yahoo.com
terrianne
teresa you kinda gave me an idea when you suggested to oneil about going back 3 months and studying his words in writeing to see if he was actually in the process of relapesing before he even took those pills,and i was thinking about doing the same for myself so i actually went back about 2 months and started reading some of my threads and responses and let me tell ya something the only thing it did for me was make me laugh at my own stupid jokes,then it dawned on me that i must be the biggest idiot on this board[lol],but on the bright side of things i am not useing drugs and my spelling has improved to some degree so i do think i am makeing some progress.....vinny.
vinny... your funny... you make all of us laugh.. and were not laughing at you were laughing with you... and you know that you add and continue to add that extra something to the board..
mike..(if I may call you mike..)... I would not rush the telling the person about the pills... take that one day at a time... get your feet under you again... I know that guilt is a bad thing but doing an amends before you are ready in case they dont handle it just the way we like can slow our recovery down and sort of really hurt us badly... there is a reason that making that amends comes down a little farther in the steps than the top 5.... You will do what is right eventually and with the courage and strength of character that it takes to do it right.....
it happen... your taking the right steps to make it back... get a sponsor with good quality clean time.. and keep on walkin'......
God Bless....
Teresa
mike..(if I may call you mike..)... I would not rush the telling the person about the pills... take that one day at a time... get your feet under you again... I know that guilt is a bad thing but doing an amends before you are ready in case they dont handle it just the way we like can slow our recovery down and sort of really hurt us badly... there is a reason that making that amends comes down a little farther in the steps than the top 5.... You will do what is right eventually and with the courage and strength of character that it takes to do it right.....
it happen... your taking the right steps to make it back... get a sponsor with good quality clean time.. and keep on walkin'......
God Bless....
Teresa
Hey Mike,
Sorry to hear your back at Day # 3. I've been there done that a few times. That doesn't make it right but what can we do? Pick ourselves up right! Don't dwell on it for very long. The last relapse I had I was clean for 8 months. So I do understand. I really think Teresa hit the nail on the head here though. I'll be honest when I first read this thread, I wasn't too shocked or surprised..Not saying I didn't have faith in you. I could tell the last couple months from your posts that you were down not your usual self so to speak. I am sure if you type you name in and read your last 10 posts you'll see. Sometimes we have to know where we've been to know where were going!
I know you will get back on track here. You had a set back sh*t happens. Move forward now you are a strong man. So many people including myself look up to you and admire you, We all still do. You put a lot of hard work into your recovery and staying clean. Your being honest took a lot of courage, I will always respect you for that! I believe you will get through this and maybe even get it right this time:-) I wish you all the best! Rae
Ps. I would take Teresa's advice and not tell that lady yet! Focus on yourself for a while... Don't allow anything else to bring you down right now... Hang in there. If you ever want to talk you can e-mail me... Bunny4804@aol.com
Rae
Sorry to hear your back at Day # 3. I've been there done that a few times. That doesn't make it right but what can we do? Pick ourselves up right! Don't dwell on it for very long. The last relapse I had I was clean for 8 months. So I do understand. I really think Teresa hit the nail on the head here though. I'll be honest when I first read this thread, I wasn't too shocked or surprised..Not saying I didn't have faith in you. I could tell the last couple months from your posts that you were down not your usual self so to speak. I am sure if you type you name in and read your last 10 posts you'll see. Sometimes we have to know where we've been to know where were going!
I know you will get back on track here. You had a set back sh*t happens. Move forward now you are a strong man. So many people including myself look up to you and admire you, We all still do. You put a lot of hard work into your recovery and staying clean. Your being honest took a lot of courage, I will always respect you for that! I believe you will get through this and maybe even get it right this time:-) I wish you all the best! Rae
Ps. I would take Teresa's advice and not tell that lady yet! Focus on yourself for a while... Don't allow anything else to bring you down right now... Hang in there. If you ever want to talk you can e-mail me... Bunny4804@aol.com
Rae
I have read over my past post--and I am confused--but don't let that throw you--what is interesting is that you say a time frame--2-3 months---I had a major change Feb 18, it was work related---and to be honest I hate it--I took a new job, same company---but Hate it--so maybe there is truth in what your telling me to look for. Maybe I had this wrong for a few months--and maybe this slip started back them---again I am trying not to rent space in my head--you know the mental side is rough for me----but i will take your advice
and you can me anything--I also am up to listen...
Mike
and you can me anything--I also am up to listen...
Mike
