It's been 3 weeks since I have been physically addicted to lorcet pain pills. The physical w/d were bad, I had taken 120 pills in the previous 7 days. The physical is nothing like the mental. I slipped up a couple of times since then, I bought 10 then 5 then 3 with about 4 to 5 days in between.
Yesterday was day 5 again since zero pain pills and I was fiending really bad. I did try to get some but luckily could not score any. I know I can go back to the doctors, but I need to pay some other bills rather than do that, and I would just take them all super quickly again. I want more than anything to take a few and hang out with my boyfriend and be intimate and laugh and be uninhibited, but I know its just a band aid on the real issues.
This brick wall that I hit at 5 days is scary. It's so hard to calm yourself down and think clearly when all you want is just a few more to be happy for just a few moments. But I know its just going to set my brain back to square one. I want to be at a point where pills no longer dictate what I can and cannot do in my every day life. I want to be happy and free again and not have to force myself through any more brick walls, but I know they're coming.
Are you doing anything for your recovery like meetings or therapy?
No meetings. I have a therapist that I see every once in a while, and I told her for the first time last week that I have an addiction to pain killers, but she's not someone I feel I can call often, or see more often. She's quite expensive and I no longer have health insurance.
Have you given any thought to AA or NA? It's really hard to not pick up those pills when we try to do it alone, ya know? I tried and could never do it.
Hi There,
Thanks so much for taking a risk and posting where your at. I am glad your here. Day 5, man what a spot huh. For me that's usually when I began to feel just good enough to start obsessively worrying about how messed up my life was, which triggered stress, which triggered depression, which was cured by my cure for everything, take a boat load of pills.
This time at around day 5 I just began asking God (that's who I talk to). "God I want to feel better, I want to have the Good life, can you please show me some alternative way of getting it. See the pills ain't working"
I was really surprised to find other ways that worked better, a whole lot better, at creating great feelings. (like the ones you mentioned in your posts) than pills. The catch was I actually had to do them. Not just think about doing something else.
Of course I started small, I did not use NO MATTER WHAT, I walked, not far but I took a walk, I prayed, I got on the internet and posted to complete strangers, And I held on. Your on the path to everything you always dreamed of and more, All you gotta do is stay on it. It's your call.
And hell, give yourself some credit, you have gone 5 days without a pill. Now that says I know how to get through the day without a pill, you've done it. Congratulations.
I had to ask my self, If pills were working, why was I so desperate to stop?
Best of luck and keep on posting..
Thanks so much for taking a risk and posting where your at. I am glad your here. Day 5, man what a spot huh. For me that's usually when I began to feel just good enough to start obsessively worrying about how messed up my life was, which triggered stress, which triggered depression, which was cured by my cure for everything, take a boat load of pills.
This time at around day 5 I just began asking God (that's who I talk to). "God I want to feel better, I want to have the Good life, can you please show me some alternative way of getting it. See the pills ain't working"
I was really surprised to find other ways that worked better, a whole lot better, at creating great feelings. (like the ones you mentioned in your posts) than pills. The catch was I actually had to do them. Not just think about doing something else.
Of course I started small, I did not use NO MATTER WHAT, I walked, not far but I took a walk, I prayed, I got on the internet and posted to complete strangers, And I held on. Your on the path to everything you always dreamed of and more, All you gotta do is stay on it. It's your call.
And hell, give yourself some credit, you have gone 5 days without a pill. Now that says I know how to get through the day without a pill, you've done it. Congratulations.
I had to ask my self, If pills were working, why was I so desperate to stop?
Best of luck and keep on posting..
I went to my first NA meeting last night. It was pretty incredible to see all these people that really have moved outside of their comfort levels to get sober and make everyone else feel that they're not alone. I got a couple phone numbers of some women last night that I could call. It's gonna take a lot of courage for me to actually start calling people tho. Not only am I trying to get sober, but I'm going through a little mini crisis at home with my boyfriend and his spoiled dogs. My boyfriend doesn't think I have an addiction any more, and I think he's wondering what's wrong with me, why I'm not as happy as I used to be, or sexual or whatever. He knows a very limited amount of my usage, and I just don't have the guts to tell him I was lying to him. I just don't know what to do about my relationship at this point.
Hi Howdee,
Welcome to the board and the path of recovery....Today is Day 6? That's awesome, I remember so vividly how I couldn't go 4 hours without a pill and to get 24hrs was huge....
Good for you going to a meeting and not trying to do this alone. My disease likes me to isolate, try to stay clean on my own will power and it wasn't until I tried something different that I actually could stay clean & sober and I choose to go the AA route with the fellowship & the steps to help me stay clean & sober on a daily basis.
I just don't know what to do about my relationship at this point.
Take it one day at a time, just like we do with our sobriety. I know for me, when I put my sobriety first, everything else, especially my relationships healed and became healthy relationships.....
Oh, and I bet if you picked up the phone and walked through that fear of calling someone, your day will get even better.....
Keep posting, keep coming back and sharing and life will get different.
Take care~
Stacey
Welcome to the board and the path of recovery....Today is Day 6? That's awesome, I remember so vividly how I couldn't go 4 hours without a pill and to get 24hrs was huge....
Good for you going to a meeting and not trying to do this alone. My disease likes me to isolate, try to stay clean on my own will power and it wasn't until I tried something different that I actually could stay clean & sober and I choose to go the AA route with the fellowship & the steps to help me stay clean & sober on a daily basis.
I just don't know what to do about my relationship at this point.
Take it one day at a time, just like we do with our sobriety. I know for me, when I put my sobriety first, everything else, especially my relationships healed and became healthy relationships.....
Oh, and I bet if you picked up the phone and walked through that fear of calling someone, your day will get even better.....
Keep posting, keep coming back and sharing and life will get different.
Take care~
Stacey
Stacey,
Thank you for making my time without pills sound like a big accomplishment. It has now been officially one week since I've had any pills.
I woke up this morning, and felt so depressed that I was unable to function at the beginning of my work day. I have a tendency to get depressed, and have taken anti depressants before, but I'm not sure if its that or the realization that I can't rely on pills anymore to make my relationship work or that I know I can't take them anymore. I'm not sure, but it hit me like a giant wave and took me down. I went to the bathroom a couple of times to cry. It was good to get it out, and was almost like grieving for a lost friend (though an unhealthy relationship).
I was also grieving for the state of my relationship with my boyfriend, so I called up my therapist and we talked later on in the day about the state of things. I think I'm so in need of a life change that I'm trying to do things drastically, like considering ending my relationship with my boyfriend. What it comes down to is I need to work on myself, and my life and the rest will follow suit, just as you said. Thanks.
Thank you for making my time without pills sound like a big accomplishment. It has now been officially one week since I've had any pills.
I woke up this morning, and felt so depressed that I was unable to function at the beginning of my work day. I have a tendency to get depressed, and have taken anti depressants before, but I'm not sure if its that or the realization that I can't rely on pills anymore to make my relationship work or that I know I can't take them anymore. I'm not sure, but it hit me like a giant wave and took me down. I went to the bathroom a couple of times to cry. It was good to get it out, and was almost like grieving for a lost friend (though an unhealthy relationship).
I was also grieving for the state of my relationship with my boyfriend, so I called up my therapist and we talked later on in the day about the state of things. I think I'm so in need of a life change that I'm trying to do things drastically, like considering ending my relationship with my boyfriend. What it comes down to is I need to work on myself, and my life and the rest will follow suit, just as you said. Thanks.
Hi there,
There's a great book that supports NA/AA and also deals with the physical side of recovery and what is actually happening in your brain. It's "Healing the Addicted Brain" by Harold Urshell (he also has a website). You really need to learn what is going on in your brain right now as well as the changes it will go through and how it will affect you. Please educate yourself. Best of luck.
Michelle
There's a great book that supports NA/AA and also deals with the physical side of recovery and what is actually happening in your brain. It's "Healing the Addicted Brain" by Harold Urshell (he also has a website). You really need to learn what is going on in your brain right now as well as the changes it will go through and how it will affect you. Please educate yourself. Best of luck.
Michelle
Oh, one more thing. It's interesting what you named this thread because there is part of recovery that happens in early recovery that is nicknamed "The Wall".