Hi- there are no nar-anon meetings in my area so I decided to join this website as a last resort. I would appreciate any responses because I am very Lost.
First of all I am young for this. I have been dating an addict for a year now. Before we became official I told him he needed to be clean before we got serious, he went to rehab and came back. Seemed clean. Was he ever clean? I don't know. But if he wasn't it was very minimal and did not change him at first. Naturally this led to falling madly in love. Planning to marry. First 6 months were magical and wonderful.
Then he relapsed. At first it was just coke then when the nose bleeds got too bad, it became anything he could get his hands on. And it was bad, so bad. He was constants high on something and I didn't know what to do.
And then one night a week ago he ran out of money and had an episode. Hurt himself In a rage and ended up in the hospital and moved to the psychiatric wing.
With threat to put a restraining order on him, his number has been blocked as well as his entire families numbers on my phone by my mother. Considering I don't want a restraining order I have been following the rules and not contacting him. I don't know what to do, I am so heartbroken and still want to be with him when he gets clean and I believe he can. Please help. I need it so badly.
Dear eoj,
This is a very common story - addicts early in recovery starting and building upon romances. It is a common pitfall for the addict or alcoholic. For men, the saying is, "behind every skirt is a slip"
Early recovery is a weird time, and addicts on that initial "pink cloud" are charming, world-beaters, confident, and romantic. The problem is that they have yet to learn what long-term sobriety entails.
This is why it is often reommended that addicts and alcoholics avoid any form of romance until 1 year of continous sobriety is achieved; and able to hold down a job and take care of a house plant or pet. This would be a good foundation for which to build a relationship meant to last decades.
I don't know if this helps or not. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but I believe it to be solid advice.
Good luck.
Fly
This is a very common story - addicts early in recovery starting and building upon romances. It is a common pitfall for the addict or alcoholic. For men, the saying is, "behind every skirt is a slip"
Early recovery is a weird time, and addicts on that initial "pink cloud" are charming, world-beaters, confident, and romantic. The problem is that they have yet to learn what long-term sobriety entails.
This is why it is often reommended that addicts and alcoholics avoid any form of romance until 1 year of continous sobriety is achieved; and able to hold down a job and take care of a house plant or pet. This would be a good foundation for which to build a relationship meant to last decades.
I don't know if this helps or not. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but I believe it to be solid advice.
Good luck.
Fly
Fly- thank you....no it isn't what I want to hear but I wanted the truth. So give it a year and see what happens?
Dear eoj,
You may consider a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. These programs teach valuable life skills which will bear much fruit - regardless of who is in your lives.
A succesful recovery looks something like this: Get through detox, hopefully at least 28 days in treatment, post treatment, meetings every day for at least the first 90 days after treatment, perhaps a sober living home, more meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, performing service work, sharing with others - and then "rinse and repeat".
The succesful recoverying addict needs to learn responsibility - as using often causes the addict to regress in terms of basic things such as: Get up early, make your bed, eat well, clean up after yourself, go to work and do a good job, and learning how to have fun and enjoy life without the use of alcohol or substance.
I wish I could tell you what things will look like after 1 year. What you are doing is called "future tripping". When you have 1 leg in the past and the other leg in the future, you pee on today.
Regardless, it DOES help if you are healthy whether your loved one is or not (hence, get into Al Anon or NAR Anon).
Hang in there. One step and day at a time.
You may consider a family support program such as Al Anon or NAR Anon. These programs teach valuable life skills which will bear much fruit - regardless of who is in your lives.
A succesful recovery looks something like this: Get through detox, hopefully at least 28 days in treatment, post treatment, meetings every day for at least the first 90 days after treatment, perhaps a sober living home, more meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, performing service work, sharing with others - and then "rinse and repeat".
The succesful recoverying addict needs to learn responsibility - as using often causes the addict to regress in terms of basic things such as: Get up early, make your bed, eat well, clean up after yourself, go to work and do a good job, and learning how to have fun and enjoy life without the use of alcohol or substance.
I wish I could tell you what things will look like after 1 year. What you are doing is called "future tripping". When you have 1 leg in the past and the other leg in the future, you pee on today.
Regardless, it DOES help if you are healthy whether your loved one is or not (hence, get into Al Anon or NAR Anon).
Hang in there. One step and day at a time.
I know the advice given seems hard to accept, but it is good advice. I wish I would have listened instead I wasted time and got hurt even more than just trying to get over her. I put my life on hold hoping for us to have a life together. It didn't work. I couldn't be happy wondering when something would happen to change our lives. Love is no competition to addiction. I'm sorry I didn't know what I know now. It's a hard thing to decide. Odds are against you. You'll never be number one in an addicts life. And that really sucks.
