Hi folks and especially Jemima! It's 5.15 here British time and I am sitting here in tears! I can't take this any more and I don't know what to do..I am TRAPPED!
After a 2 day party, he phoned to say he couldn't sign on till tomorrow...then had the cheek to ask me for 10 to score! Said NO! So off he went..knowing he had an appointment at 4.30 with the Addictions Nurse at the Health centre! Did he make it, who knows, I'll be the last to find out! My eldest son has turned into someone I do NOT like! Noticed my DVD player has vanished from his room ...along with bicycle I got him at the local auction ( stolen) he said!How much more can this 60yr old take? He says he wants to be clean..but EVERYONE else seems to be trying bar him!I Am NO longer "enabling" him..but what if the "big guys" come gunning and break my windows, or worse..do something to him! I know this is Fife Scotland but there has to be a MR BIG behind it all!What do or should I do? I am SO wearied! This is worse than nursing my husband through cancer or any of the recent deaths I've been through! Please advise!
Hi Bette, Jemima here, we do seem to be in the same boat. don't we! and we're
sinking fast ! In your last post you gave a quotation " Life is a matter of choice, not a matter of chance" that applies to you and me too, we choose to put up with what these MEN are doing to us (and they are men, not children) so it's about time that they acted like one. If they want to use drugs, it's a free country, they can do what they want - so if that is their choice they must take the consequences of their actions - up until now I have been taking these consequences - giving money endlessly, replacing things that he has stolen so that he won't be kicked out onto the streets - but NO MORE!! Bette, yesterday I packed my bags and went!!! I'm ony back here now because (wait for it) he's going into rehab "TOMORROW!! Praise the Lord !!Bette, we're not doing them any favours by being around for them - all we are doing is prolonging the agony -ours and theirs - the consequences of my sons actions for him now is that I will no longer be around for him. Bette we have to put on a suit of armour, pretend to be hard even though we are obviously the softest touches around. My poor son is packing his bags now - he has just asked me if he can come home for Christmas and I said NO - this time he will learn a lesson or not - it's up to him.
Don't worry about Mr. Big, they don't target the families of their clients (because we would go to the police and they would'nt want to draw attention to themselves) and the probably won't hurt your son, because if they hurt too many of their clients then who will they sell their drugs to? A funny thing is Bette, I'm a bit scared of spiders - but Drug Dealers!! Drug Barons! I would kill with my bare hands!! Greedy,greedy sellers of death and distruction - they will go to hell, never doubt it!
You know how we are always saying to our sons "Say No" - well now is our time for saying "NO MORE"
Jemima
sinking fast ! In your last post you gave a quotation " Life is a matter of choice, not a matter of chance" that applies to you and me too, we choose to put up with what these MEN are doing to us (and they are men, not children) so it's about time that they acted like one. If they want to use drugs, it's a free country, they can do what they want - so if that is their choice they must take the consequences of their actions - up until now I have been taking these consequences - giving money endlessly, replacing things that he has stolen so that he won't be kicked out onto the streets - but NO MORE!! Bette, yesterday I packed my bags and went!!! I'm ony back here now because (wait for it) he's going into rehab "TOMORROW!! Praise the Lord !!Bette, we're not doing them any favours by being around for them - all we are doing is prolonging the agony -ours and theirs - the consequences of my sons actions for him now is that I will no longer be around for him. Bette we have to put on a suit of armour, pretend to be hard even though we are obviously the softest touches around. My poor son is packing his bags now - he has just asked me if he can come home for Christmas and I said NO - this time he will learn a lesson or not - it's up to him.
Don't worry about Mr. Big, they don't target the families of their clients (because we would go to the police and they would'nt want to draw attention to themselves) and the probably won't hurt your son, because if they hurt too many of their clients then who will they sell their drugs to? A funny thing is Bette, I'm a bit scared of spiders - but Drug Dealers!! Drug Barons! I would kill with my bare hands!! Greedy,greedy sellers of death and distruction - they will go to hell, never doubt it!
You know how we are always saying to our sons "Say No" - well now is our time for saying "NO MORE"
Jemima
Hi Bette - it breaks my heart to hear how unhappy u r. It sounds to me likeur boy has absolutely no intention of quitting drugs right now. I hate to tell you this but there is nothing you can do to protect your child. The best thing you can do is tell him that you are no longer willing to put up with him ripping your life apart, and if he wants to continue drugs he'll have to do it elsewhere. Concentrate on the rest of your family. He will always be welcome when he's clean.
You can't force him to quit, and he can't do it for you. You can't recognise him because the drug is in control. When your on drugs life is one massive battle for control. Every time you do that drug you have fought for, and lost control. It took me six years of trying every type of detox out there to learn that the only way to deal with this monster it to accept defeat, to know your beaten, and to finally learn that the ONLY way to avoid getting a beating everyday was to stop getting into the ring. I now know I can't control this drug. I can't do it once or twice and leave it. I takes people varying lengths of time to learn this lesson, for me it was 6 years. B4 that I tried, but I just wanted that drug too badly.
Spend time with the rest of your family. He'll come back to you when he's ready and there is nothing you can do to alter that. Just offer him your love, but he's got to be clean to feel it.
I'm sorry I can't be more help. I'm so happy now I'm clean. I wish I could share that happiness with you coz you deserve it much more than I do.
Love
Diff
xoxox
You can't force him to quit, and he can't do it for you. You can't recognise him because the drug is in control. When your on drugs life is one massive battle for control. Every time you do that drug you have fought for, and lost control. It took me six years of trying every type of detox out there to learn that the only way to deal with this monster it to accept defeat, to know your beaten, and to finally learn that the ONLY way to avoid getting a beating everyday was to stop getting into the ring. I now know I can't control this drug. I can't do it once or twice and leave it. I takes people varying lengths of time to learn this lesson, for me it was 6 years. B4 that I tried, but I just wanted that drug too badly.
Spend time with the rest of your family. He'll come back to you when he's ready and there is nothing you can do to alter that. Just offer him your love, but he's got to be clean to feel it.
I'm sorry I can't be more help. I'm so happy now I'm clean. I wish I could share that happiness with you coz you deserve it much more than I do.
Love
Diff
xoxox
Just a BIG THANKYOU to Jemima and Diff! Thanks for your words of comfort and support! What appalls me here in Scotland, that in my husbands's case with colorectal cancer there is a whole team here to give you support! But where is it for Drug Addiction?You have to find your own way through the maze! Well, the problems came to my door, last night and this afternoon! A Young guy looking for the 20 my son owed to his uncle! Needless to say, I paid up since I don't want them near my door again..but WAS THE LAST TIME! Saw the drugs worker yesterday and still filling out questionnaires, diaries and assessment forms! He is SO plausible my 38 yr old! but increasingly finding him a waste of space to everyone, including himself! Where do I go from here folks?
Dear Bette,
I am from the U.S. but i was wondering if they have anything similar in Scotland regarding swearing out an order of protection from an individual posing serious emotional and physical threat....it sounds as if your son is putting you through an emotional wringer with his active addiction....i am not too clear about your living situation...does your son live with you? If he does and has proven to be this menacing....have you tried to put him out or does he continue to come round or is hard for you as his mother to let go? You do know that by continuing to both support and buy into his lies that you are enabling his addiction and in the long run you are not really helping him at all. Gotta show him some of that "tough love" as they say in recovery!
For your own personal sanity...you must extricate yourself from your son's what appears to be helpless situation....to really help him you must help less and at this point nary if at all. I had to ask my boyfriend to leave my home over 2 years ago despite his wailing about having no place to go or support...but do you know he always managed to find a place or support elsewhere....an addict can be a real survivor....i guess that is how they can fuel their addictions for so long.....i myself am a recovering alcoholic with over 17 years clean...and it wasn't until my loving exhausted family finally showed me some of that "tough love" and showed me the door that i was able to start on the road to recovery. At first i was outraged and how could they reject me and what was i to do but then i got down to the business of survival without their enabling and without alcohol. Bette perhaps you need to do a little self examination here....despite all the havoc your son is wreaking are you afraid to let go of him because you fear being all alone....somehow getting caught up in someone else's problems helps us to keep the focus off ourselves and not be honest about what our true intentions are in our continued nowhere plight in helping the afflicted individual. Let me throw another perspective twist at you....what if the addict suddenly did get well and was able to stand on his or her own two feet and didn't need us anymore? What would our purpose in life be and then we would have to put the focus back on ourselves and realize that we might have to face daily living by our lonesome. Just some food for thought, Bette....not trying to judge or point the finger at you....but you are becoming undone emotionally i fear and it is time to break your addiction from your son before you spiral downward with him.
Many good people have pointed out my co dependency with my heroin addicted ex bf and how he became my drug of choice and it was easier to give up alcohol than my addiction to him.
Good Luck....MARY
I am from the U.S. but i was wondering if they have anything similar in Scotland regarding swearing out an order of protection from an individual posing serious emotional and physical threat....it sounds as if your son is putting you through an emotional wringer with his active addiction....i am not too clear about your living situation...does your son live with you? If he does and has proven to be this menacing....have you tried to put him out or does he continue to come round or is hard for you as his mother to let go? You do know that by continuing to both support and buy into his lies that you are enabling his addiction and in the long run you are not really helping him at all. Gotta show him some of that "tough love" as they say in recovery!
For your own personal sanity...you must extricate yourself from your son's what appears to be helpless situation....to really help him you must help less and at this point nary if at all. I had to ask my boyfriend to leave my home over 2 years ago despite his wailing about having no place to go or support...but do you know he always managed to find a place or support elsewhere....an addict can be a real survivor....i guess that is how they can fuel their addictions for so long.....i myself am a recovering alcoholic with over 17 years clean...and it wasn't until my loving exhausted family finally showed me some of that "tough love" and showed me the door that i was able to start on the road to recovery. At first i was outraged and how could they reject me and what was i to do but then i got down to the business of survival without their enabling and without alcohol. Bette perhaps you need to do a little self examination here....despite all the havoc your son is wreaking are you afraid to let go of him because you fear being all alone....somehow getting caught up in someone else's problems helps us to keep the focus off ourselves and not be honest about what our true intentions are in our continued nowhere plight in helping the afflicted individual. Let me throw another perspective twist at you....what if the addict suddenly did get well and was able to stand on his or her own two feet and didn't need us anymore? What would our purpose in life be and then we would have to put the focus back on ourselves and realize that we might have to face daily living by our lonesome. Just some food for thought, Bette....not trying to judge or point the finger at you....but you are becoming undone emotionally i fear and it is time to break your addiction from your son before you spiral downward with him.
Many good people have pointed out my co dependency with my heroin addicted ex bf and how he became my drug of choice and it was easier to give up alcohol than my addiction to him.
Good Luck....MARY
Hi Bette, I have just come back from seeing my son into Rehab. The Centre is about 200 miles from here so it has been a long,long day. Haen't had time to think about how I feel - but I can tell you that it was such a JOY to come back here and feel free to leave my purse lying around, to leave bedroom doors unlocked etc. Bette, you just have to do something about your situation - why are you filling in forms ? why is the Drug support worker dealing with you - did you tell her/him about that person calling to your door ?. Please don't hand out any more money, your son owed the money, not you. You will have to swallow your pride and PUT up with that sort of thing - if they come again just say " you'll have to see my son about it". I know that's hard to do and that you are trying to avoid any confrontation on your doorstep , they know that you are a soft touch, that's why they come.Bette, believe me I know how difficult all of this is for you as a mother, butyou have to think of yourself as a PERSON,with hopes and dreams and needs of your own. Take just ONE step tomorrow, Mary is right you need to get a barring order to prevent your son from harassing you,
or even just go to the police station and ask for suggestions - you have to do it Bette, otherwise it will just go on and on.......
Maybe this doesn't sound too helpful, all I can tell you is that I am so glad that I made the decision to leave - I can support my son in a better way now, I have said so many awful things to him in the past, but I forgive myself for that the situation was intolerable and yet I tolerated it - not good for either him or me.
I think you are a lot like me Bette, swearing that every time is the last time, and it always is until the next time.
Take care, talk to you tomorrow (after you have taken ONE step)
Jemima
or even just go to the police station and ask for suggestions - you have to do it Bette, otherwise it will just go on and on.......
Maybe this doesn't sound too helpful, all I can tell you is that I am so glad that I made the decision to leave - I can support my son in a better way now, I have said so many awful things to him in the past, but I forgive myself for that the situation was intolerable and yet I tolerated it - not good for either him or me.
I think you are a lot like me Bette, swearing that every time is the last time, and it always is until the next time.
Take care, talk to you tomorrow (after you have taken ONE step)
Jemima
Hi Bette, I just had a thought that may be of use to you. In my local probation office I noticed a poster on the wall for a support group for families and friends of addicted individuals. They can't tell you confidential aspects of a particular individuals treatment but they can help with loads of other things and you'll be able to talk to others in your situation. Maybe you could try looking up your local probation office in the yellow pages and giving them a ring. You don't have to be a relative of someone on probation.
I hope this is helpful.
Best Wishes
Diff x
I hope this is helpful.
Best Wishes
Diff x
My sincerest thanks to ALL who responded to my messages online. I have taken on board ALL your suggestions. He "seems" to be taking this Addiction services thing quite seriously..but who knows? Will keep on trying...minus the cash for a fix!
Hello,
I read you letter and I read jemima puddleduck's reply. She is right you know. You must stop it and right now. Tell them to go. Don't worry about them. At first they will whine and act like you have no right to do this but you do. If you don't do this then you might as well just give them all the money you have right now, all the other valuables you have too.
When they hit the streets they will find none of their friends will want them around either. And before they know it they will have no place to go except to the drug rehab program.
Hope it works out for you.
I read you letter and I read jemima puddleduck's reply. She is right you know. You must stop it and right now. Tell them to go. Don't worry about them. At first they will whine and act like you have no right to do this but you do. If you don't do this then you might as well just give them all the money you have right now, all the other valuables you have too.
When they hit the streets they will find none of their friends will want them around either. And before they know it they will have no place to go except to the drug rehab program.
Hope it works out for you.