Going Home

Heroin
1
Well, my stay with my sister is almost over. I am going home tomorrow, back to my base, my love shack, my pride and joy. It doesnt feel like mine anymore. It feels so bare and lonely and strange. There aint many happy memories and it was supposed to be our fresh start. Turned out it was our ending. I still love my home, I mean its lovely...but I cant explain it...just so strange. My Mam has offered to stay with me for as long as I want. I have stayed there since all this but with Kevins family. I can stay here for as long as I want but its something I just got to do...I got to go home and start my life again. I know its going to be lonely and wierd but surely things will get better after time?? and I am not on my own exactly....I got my little sweet cheeks with me. Sweet cheeks..lol...she aint slept for 3 nights (teething and virus).

I feel really wierd cos it dont feel like Kevin has died, just gone???

I talked to his mate last night. For this first time, I heard some things which Kevin had never told me about. Things he had said. He made out to his mate that he had 3 thousand pounds in the bank and I was wanting to waste it all....lol. and that I had spent 40 pounds on a pair of boots for Kiala...I mean what a man??? lol

He never did have that money, and obviously I wasnt the one wanting to waste it. He was making me out to look like an idiot. I bought Kiala boots out of my own money and what Kevin didnt know was I was secretly saving money for if Kiala ever needed anything. I never spent a penny on me.

On a brighter note....My old work have been in touch and offered me a job, I am getting a load of ladies things sent up to sell to make me a little cash, I am going dfor a meal and drink with my old work in a few weeks, having a short holiday in Manchester and Blackpool with Kevins family, my sis has paid for a holiday beginning of January to go to Cuba for her 30th and then I am poss going to Tunisia in Feb with Kevins family and then poss going to Spain with my Dad in August next year. Plenty to keep my occupied.

Its amazing how many people are aorund you when things like this happen. I will see who the true friends are though in a few months time, when and if they are still around. My friend of 10 years saw me the day after Kevin took his life and I aint seen her since???? or heard a thing??

Anyway sure I have bored you lot enough. Take care all...always thinkin of ya xxxxx Lynds xxxxx
2
Dear Lynds,

We haven't ever really "spoken", but I just wanted to say that your poise through your whole ordeal has really struck me. You are such a kind and loving spirit and your daughter is blessed to have you as a mom.

Love,
Marla
3
Lynds yer one focused and strong lady.....my bro died in 98 of a methedone /alcohol overdose...i gave him the methd.and left him on the couch goofing off as i went to bed....during the night sumthing didnt feel right so i checked on him....no go ...rang 999 tried to give cpr over the phone ....anyhow he was D.O.A on arrival at the hospital....only 25 and not a real opiate user ...but what im trying to say is stick with yer plans they will make you feel better even with the tears.....me i stayed in our flat all of two weeks couldnt handle the emptiness and guilt..which i carry to this day.
Lynds yer being very strong and i know youve got Kiala on yer mind cant be easy....big respect to you and yer girl............take care...........Davey
4
Lynds, everything will work its way in your favour. You're a brilliant person, you'll go on to fill you and the wee lass' dreams... What you've been through , it will change, good thingss are coming your way..... Take care, Kev
5
I wish you well in your return home Lynds. I'm sure it will be a huge rush of emotions; all kinds. Bittersweet at best and quite possibly very sad for a time. But it's your home and you're very brave to return. As you should and as Kevin would likely want you to. It sounds like you'll be keeping busy which is the best thing right now. I hope your job works out. My very best to you and your daughter. You are in my prayers.
xxoo, Beck
6
Lynds, I have you and your family in my prayers. Like someone else said, I think it's a good thing that you are going to be busy. Going back to work should really help. Hug your daughter, cry when you need to, and when you want to. The days ahead will be hard, but I have every faith that you will continue to be strong and your life have purpose. Maybe a support group? Or a therapist schooled in grief therapy? I know that I would have a horrible time without support. God Bless you honey!
7
When we lose someone we love, no matter what the circumstances, we miss them, we mourn them, we remember the good and the bad.

You must allow yourself to do whatever the day calls for: cry, laugh, be solitary, be surrounded by friends, what ever helps you in that moment.

There are no right or wrong ways to deal with the death of someone we love.

Give yourself time to deal with all the emotions you will go through.

Keep your baby close to you, and cherish each day.

I will keep you in my prayers

rita
8
Lynds, Thinking of you and the baby doll.

Much love, Bryn
9
Hi Lynds, you're doing so well, you're doing exactly what you should be doing - putting one foot in front of the other. You can't stand still, and you can't go backwards. So, going home... it's going to be difficult. But it will help with the grieving process. When you've got so many people around you, yes it helps keep you from dwelling on the pain all the time, but you don't get much opportunity to focus on your own feelings, which is something you have to do eventually, in order to "deal" with them. My ex, when his father died, he was so ingrossed in helping his mother through her grief, that he never cried a single tear for his own loss, not for 7 whole years, and that messed him up big time. But please don't rush yourself. Maybe mam should come and stay for a few days, just to support you through this time, the aftermath, after the organising and busyness, all the practical things you've had to do after Kev passed on. Now you have to deal with the stillness, the silent moments. Take it at your own pace, but don't be afraid to mourne him, in your own way. It's those quiet moments, those little reminders that hit us when we're least expecting it that trigger the flood of emotions that are bound to overwhelm you at times. So it might be a good idea to have mam there whilst you go through those things, like seeing his toothbrush, finding a treasured belonging, seeing a hair stuck to the soap. I know these sound like small things after everything you have been through, but it's now that the grieving process really begins, and you have to go through it, evne though you never asked for this, even though you don't want to, it's the only way you will heal.

You know how much I admire you girl.

much love

Diff xxx
10
I admire your strength throughout this whole difficult time. Hope that moving back in goes ok....take your time and do wotever feels right for you. Don't forget to grieve and most of all look after yourself xx
11
Bunny, I post on the PP forum and don't believe we have talked before...I just wanted to reach out to you and your child and tell you how sorry I am that you both have to go through this.

What strength you show. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Addiction is horrible. It ruins people. I hate it. I fear it. I loathe it. I detest it. If anything I hope that that something will be learned by others.

I swear that something good will come of all this. You just don't know it yet.

Sending love and light your way.

Big warm hugs.
12
I'm so sad for you and the situation you have been dealt out. You are right you and your daughter do have to ...and need to go home. I remeber when my step dad o.d'ed it hurt so much to see his stuff and be in the house where he died. When i lost my baby i thought i'ld never be the same. Guess what you will change. Somedays will be easy somedays you'll feel like it hurts to just breath it's all normal. I would love to say time heals all wounds..but, time also wounds all heals. I don't think the heart can fully recover from a loss of a loved one i don't think it's ever gonna be not painful but, you do learn how to just go on. I lost my pregnancy in 2003 i stilll have days where it feels like it just happend yesterday.