I am making the first step of getting back the sobriety I had for so long. I didn't have to tell my parents that I was using; my sister did it for me. I tried to justify my use by saying the depression and the hopeless notion that I will never be able to use again festered inside my head and made me go back out. I was having musician friends over in a mini studio my parents built me but that's all over. It's the same kids I was using with before. I hate the fact that I'm throwing these friends under the bus but these friendships weren't the greatest to begin with. Not one of these kids called me when I am sober. I really don't have the burning desire to quit but I reallly have no choice. I'm getting spot checked at work and I can't drink either because of the strong anti-psychotic medicine I'm on. In the end, pot will interfere with my goals. I always get a little anxious when I go to a meeting for the first time in a while, with all the hugging and praying and disease talk, instilling the fear of God in a person, how I feel when I'm sober is that great-, scared, small insignificant. But I'm going to go anyway, because that's what life has in store for me. I must obey. I must obey. Ugh, I have so many reservations about higher power. You can't touch it, you can't feel it ( at least for me) and If this higher power loves us, then why are we condemed to deprivation if we don't obey? And I have to agree, sobriety won't make you any more creative or clever or even more of an intellectual. But all of this interferes with my goals- steady income, postive family life and better physical health. So today I'm preparing myself for the worst. I've already been through it. Early recovery sucks. Using dreams, anxiety attacks hopelessness. I'm ok now, but I know it's coming. I can't and won't do it alone. Take care
Sorry...it's me not Amy.
Just wanted to say you're a wise old soul, Justin. Good for you. I recognize alot of what you said and I wish you the best on your journey. I learned a long time ago you can't climb over those hard places, or under them or around them.....you have to go THROUGH them.....and the higher power thing...hey....who knows ? maybe it/he/she/they will be on the other side arms wide open.
Just wanted to say you're a wise old soul, Justin. Good for you. I recognize alot of what you said and I wish you the best on your journey. I learned a long time ago you can't climb over those hard places, or under them or around them.....you have to go THROUGH them.....and the higher power thing...hey....who knows ? maybe it/he/she/they will be on the other side arms wide open.
back from my meeting.- I feel OK. I'll probably get up and go to one tommorow. The most important thing is that for now, I'm not going to pick up. One lady had eleven years clean and still thinks about using. I'm going to battle this thing for as long as I live. I saw some old faces and a girl I went to college with. WW- thanks for responding and your words of encouragement. I won a small battle today and hopefully I will tommorow. I'll try to post more regularly.
That is great news Justin! Every day sober is a great day. I drank from age 18-26 and haven't drank in 25 years. What have I gained? Well, I don't run my mouth at parties, anymore. And every day when I wake up, I know I am sober. I am able to care for my kids. I am able to respond to emergencies. I don't make stupid decisions.
I know what you mean about "real friends." The loser friends won't really want you to be straight because they want user friends.
My son gave up the expensive house and things we gave him, in order to lead his lifestyle. He gave up baseball, that he excelled in.
I had to smile about your music practice room. K had a band down in our basement, too. He had drummed a little (until HS). He played these turn table type things. (That we bought him.)
His dad was a successful politician in our state, so our son's use of weed really reflected on us, whether that is right or not, that is what happened.
Oh, the hugging at meetings. I don't know - I am not a hugger. I am not stand offish, but hugging just doesn't do it for me.
As far as religion. I don't know if you were raised in an organized church or not. We were Presbyterian and I taught Sunday School. But, after 20 years (and when my son's problem became apparent), I left and went to a Southern Baptist church. It was much better and very open and forgiving.
People worship in various ways. And they are all good. You might enjoy a contemporary service. I really like the "rock" music. Maybe you could play in their band?
Keep writing. You are on the right track. Seely1954@yahoo.com
I know what you mean about "real friends." The loser friends won't really want you to be straight because they want user friends.
My son gave up the expensive house and things we gave him, in order to lead his lifestyle. He gave up baseball, that he excelled in.
I had to smile about your music practice room. K had a band down in our basement, too. He had drummed a little (until HS). He played these turn table type things. (That we bought him.)
His dad was a successful politician in our state, so our son's use of weed really reflected on us, whether that is right or not, that is what happened.
Oh, the hugging at meetings. I don't know - I am not a hugger. I am not stand offish, but hugging just doesn't do it for me.
As far as religion. I don't know if you were raised in an organized church or not. We were Presbyterian and I taught Sunday School. But, after 20 years (and when my son's problem became apparent), I left and went to a Southern Baptist church. It was much better and very open and forgiving.
People worship in various ways. And they are all good. You might enjoy a contemporary service. I really like the "rock" music. Maybe you could play in their band?
Keep writing. You are on the right track. Seely1954@yahoo.com
"I always get a little anxious when I go to a meeting for the first time in a while, with all the hugging and praying and disease talk, ... I have so many reservations about higher power. You can't touch it, you can't feel it ( at least for me) and If this higher power loves us, then why are we condemed to deprivation if we don't obey?"
I don't know how old you are but I have read recently that 12 steps programs don't work as well for teens.
It is very difficult to go to NA/AA or alanon if you are an atheist. Despite the fact that NA is not a religious movement and that the Higher Power could be anything or anyone, the wording is still very Christian. I can understand your reservations. I heard someone talk of his Higher Power as the Future. Why not? but the concept in itself is based on faith.
I don't know how old you are but I have read recently that 12 steps programs don't work as well for teens.
It is very difficult to go to NA/AA or alanon if you are an atheist. Despite the fact that NA is not a religious movement and that the Higher Power could be anything or anyone, the wording is still very Christian. I can understand your reservations. I heard someone talk of his Higher Power as the Future. Why not? but the concept in itself is based on faith.
Well I just got back from my first meeting.. im pretty much what you would call an athiest.. not a card carrying athiest but nonetheless I never thought I could let anything spiritual come into my life.. but I'm so glad I did. And thats exactly what it is.. spiritual.. not religious. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with religion. It is based on finding a higher power and God can be anything you want it/him/her to be. As long as you have an open mind you will be astonished. Of course if you go into a meeting with a closed mind you will get pretty much nothing out of it... All you have to do is be ready to be loved and accepted by people.. and really who doesn't want that?
