Good mourning everyone. No thats not a typo. Today is my day of mourning for a wonderful man who was brutally murdered. I had to wait for a day when my
hubby wouldn't be here cause I just can't be myself about this in front of him. I
am going to share with you all his story because it makes me feel better to know he is not a forgotten person.
I met Cliff when I was 15, I am 27 now. My older brother brought him home & the moment our eyes locked we fell in love. I can still see him right now standing in the doorway in all his glory. He was in full gang gear. Baggy jeans & a big navy blue sweatshirt to hide how skinny he was. he had a blue doo-rag tied around his head with his thick, black curls springing from above. The first thing I saw were his eyes. So blue, so clear, my first thought was they matched the sky perfectly. I could see the delight in his face to. You know how someone lights up when they haven't seen you in awhile, we had never met but thats the way he looked at me. I remember running upstairs to catch my breathe. I was standing in the hallway thinking who in the world is that guy? I checked my hair real quick and ran downstairs. I remember feeling his eyes on me as I flitted around the room not sure what to do. Finally I turned & looked at him, he smiled & just touched the couch. I felt hypnotized as i walked over & sat down. We had an L couch so I wasn't directly next to him. After we introduced ourselves he started asking me questions, Yes I'm the only girl, No we don't all have red hair just 4 of us do. I found out he was 19, a highschool drop out, & he lived with his mom & little sister. His dad had been murdered years before when he was only 6 & his sis was a baby. My brother entered the room & saw us talking. He came over & said hey Cliff my sis loves to sing but she doesn't really to much anymore. Cliff immediately was intrigued. He wanted to know why. I told him that the kind of music I love to sing just isn't accepted in this area. I was embarressed to tell him I sang Country music. When he finally pryed it outta me he said PLEASE you have to sing for me. I sang a few lines of a Mariah Carey song & he sat back with the hugest grin on his face. My big bro was beeming to. The first thing Cliff said was Babe you can try to sing R&B but the country is still there. He said Its who you are & your never going to hide it completely and you shouldn't hide it You should embrace it. I just blushed & was quiet but this started something in my head. I still remember the shock I felt that this man who seemed completely removed from Country would accept me for who I really was & support it, nurture it. Cliff told me then that he dreamed of being a rapper/R&B singer & that he wanted to save what was left of his family. He got right up in front of us all & sang&rapped. I couldn't believe the talent he had, the fearlessness, the comfort, he just looked like he belonged doing just that. I was now completely in awe of him. My bro then got up & was like Ok lets get this show on the road. I can still see they way Cliff looked at me, He didn't want to leave. When my bro ran upstairs Cliff asked me for paper & a pen. My heart was racing but I still couldn't believe he might give me his number. Sure enough he wrote down his pager number & said in case he doesn't bring me back here please give me a call. I told him of course I would. They left & I watched them pull away, then i jumped in the shower & began getting ready. As I did my thing I remember praying & praying, Please Lord let him come back, Please Lord bring him back to me. I tried so hard to stay up but I passed out sitting up in bed. I remember my brothers other friend who was always around come into my room & he started playing my guitar. I would have been uncomfortable if I hadn't been so focused on Cliff. I knew not to make a big deal in front of Dan so i played it cool. I chatted him up, asking where my bro was, he said he was downstaris with the others, then said I had to pee. I made my way downstairs & then I saw Cliff watching me descend with another brilliant smile on his face. There was actually a few guys over & they were playing video games while my bro was raiding the fridge. Cliff & I went into the dining room & started talking. This is the night that I would truly come to know who he was & vice versa.We stayed up till 6 in the morning talking then we curled up under the dining room table & I fell asleep in his arms. The next morning things were a whirlwind as everyone cleared out & I happily crawled into my own bed to dream of Cliff.
We started talking on the phone everyday. I convinced my bro to go get him again & we went walking in my back woods. He seemed so amazed by me & my family. He said he wanted to be a part of us. That he wished he had red hair which I absolutely scoffed at. He said babe your yard may be a mess but at least you have all this land. One day we can clean it up together & make it gorgeous. We were truly the hillbillies of our town! LOL So we left the woods & entered our clearing & he asked me tosing for him again. He wanted a country song this time. I told him I couldn't look at him so I sat indian style with my back to him as I sang, when i opened my eyes he was in front of me with the kindest look in his eyes. He touched my hair & said You are really somethin. This is when we had "the talk" LOL. He told me that I had let everyone else run my life. The people who had told me I wasn't cool & that country sucked, my hair wasn't pretty, & that i would never make it as a singer, etc, etc. Were dead WRONG! He said Take back your life & do whats in your heart. I remember shaking my head in disbelief. He took me by the shoulders & looked straight into my eyes. He said if you could do anything in the
world you wanted what would it be? I started to cry, he wrapped his arms
around me & said what would it be, I spoke softly into his shirt I would want to
sing Country music. He made me say it louder & louder. Finally i was shouting at the top of my lungs that I would sing country music no matter what. we were
both laughing & having such a good time. I had never known a man could be like
him. I had never known anyone could be like him. That night we all( us & my
brothers & their other friends) slept on the trampoline outside under the stars. It
was so amazing to sleep in his arms again. I had been telling my best friend all
about him & she didn't say it to my face but she didn't believe a word I said. He
would return my call at her house & she had talked to him but she didn't believe
he was gorgeous or all that I said he was. One day I was at her house & I paged
Cliff. He asked me to meet him at the mall so Beck & I got ready. I was alittle
nervous that he might like her with her long blonde hair & blue eyes. I still hadn't
accepted that red heads were the best LMAO. When we got there & me & him
ran into each others arms she was blown away. I introduced them but it was
clear who Cliff was there to see. He held my hand & walked all around with me.I
was on cloud nine! He didn't even give her a second glance. She basically hung
back with his friend watching us. They both were aware of our bubble & didn't
try to intrude. He told her he had never seen Cliff act like that with anyone, he
said he was a major player & always aloof with other girls. I was terrifed to see
Cliff without his usual blue rag, This time he had a tan one on.I hissed what are
you doing? he said I just want to be different. I let it go & we continued walking.
He then said in a whisper, I WANT OUT! I squeezed his hand tight & smiled but
was still scared. I didn't want him to get beat up. He pleaded with me through
his eyes to understand & I stopped & squeezed him tight. I knew he was doing it for me.
When it was time for our ride to come we said our good buys. I still can feel his embrace through his puffy coat, he gave me a kiss & said Thats to
remember me by. Lighting shot through me & I squeezed him harder I said what
do you mean! He pulled away & said you will remember me won't you I grabbed
him again & said of course I will of course! He kissed me one last time & turned& walked away. I just stood there in the same spot frozen, memorizing how he moved the way he held himself. He turned back & I got to see those
unforgettable blue eyes for the last time with the sweetest, saddest smile.
Beck, told me how she hadn't believed he was actually cute or real or whatever.It kind of hurt my feeling first off that she thought I lied second that she was so amazed he would be with me & thirdly that i was amazed too. 2 weeks later it was Beck herself who called me up & said Girl i have some terrible news. I was like WHAT! she said its really bad hun my head is realing I'm bracing myself against the wall. WHAT! she said he died, hun Cliff, was shot & he died. I can feel myself crumble phone smacking the wall, tears ripping the screams out of me. I'm not sure what happened after that well maybe I am, my mom grabbed the phone & demanded to know what had just happened Beck told her & my mom hung up, sat on the floor & pulled me onto her lap. She tried to get as much of me on her as she could & she rocked me & sang softly, & smoothed my hair. I had dejavu of when i was 7 & my first cat died. This was so much worse though. I still can't even comphrehend it, can't wrap my mind around it. after i slept i wanted to know why. I still want to know why. many things have come back to me. I was told he was shot by his own gang members. I have heard they were sick of his white a** tryin to be black. They were supposed to be his friends! One bazitch told me it was over a girl, she just wanted to hurt me. I believe they shot him because they were jealous. The paper said he had three different shooters all using sawed off shot guns, they had no suspects. There was nothing left of his head or even his upper chest. I went into a deep depression. Started writing songs though & singing in my room all the time. I never went anywhere. I knew then that I would keep my promise to him. That I would sing country music.
For a long time between the ages of 17 to around 23 I wasn't haunted by him that much. I thought about him & i missed him but I didn't cry alot about it & I didn't feel him around me. Around 23 he started to get stronger but still wasn't here like he is now. When I moved back into my childhood home, the one where he was, the one that he loved, the one that he said they would leave to me & he was right. about so many things. He started haunting me full force. He is here in this house. I was finally able to finish the song I had started about him so many years ago. I started singing all the time. I had tried to make music before but when I got to this house the music came effortlessly, & in a flood. I can feel him urging me to do certain things & showing me signs that he is here. I had a dream one night at work when i was doing midnights & I could see him riding in the car with me to work & curling up to sleep on the floor beside me. Everyone was talking about jerking off in another thread & I can't believe I'm admitting this but when I pleasure myself & think of some hot guy or some celeb I only have a mild O but if i let Cliff in & think of him I have explosive Os & usually want to fall into a deep sleep where I dream about him. I almost feel like I'm conjuring him. LOL I just want to remember him & let him know that he still exists. Thanks so much for reading all of this & to all of you who have your own ghosts to deal with My heart goes out to you! One day I hope to finally give him a headstone & to bring his murderers to justice. Please hope this will be achieved. I am a prisoner of hope!
remember me by. Lighting shot through me & I squeezed him harder I said what
do you mean! He pulled away & said you will remember me won't you I grabbed
him again & said of course I will of course! He kissed me one last time & turned& walked away. I just stood there in the same spot frozen, memorizing how he moved the way he held himself. He turned back & I got to see those
unforgettable blue eyes for the last time with the sweetest, saddest smile.
Beck, told me how she hadn't believed he was actually cute or real or whatever.It kind of hurt my feeling first off that she thought I lied second that she was so amazed he would be with me & thirdly that i was amazed too. 2 weeks later it was Beck herself who called me up & said Girl i have some terrible news. I was like WHAT! she said its really bad hun my head is realing I'm bracing myself against the wall. WHAT! she said he died, hun Cliff, was shot & he died. I can feel myself crumble phone smacking the wall, tears ripping the screams out of me. I'm not sure what happened after that well maybe I am, my mom grabbed the phone & demanded to know what had just happened Beck told her & my mom hung up, sat on the floor & pulled me onto her lap. She tried to get as much of me on her as she could & she rocked me & sang softly, & smoothed my hair. I had dejavu of when i was 7 & my first cat died. This was so much worse though. I still can't even comphrehend it, can't wrap my mind around it. after i slept i wanted to know why. I still want to know why. many things have come back to me. I was told he was shot by his own gang members. I have heard they were sick of his white a** tryin to be black. They were supposed to be his friends! One bazitch told me it was over a girl, she just wanted to hurt me. I believe they shot him because they were jealous. The paper said he had three different shooters all using sawed off shot guns, they had no suspects. There was nothing left of his head or even his upper chest. I went into a deep depression. Started writing songs though & singing in my room all the time. I never went anywhere. I knew then that I would keep my promise to him. That I would sing country music.
For a long time between the ages of 17 to around 23 I wasn't haunted by him that much. I thought about him & i missed him but I didn't cry alot about it & I didn't feel him around me. Around 23 he started to get stronger but still wasn't here like he is now. When I moved back into my childhood home, the one where he was, the one that he loved, the one that he said they would leave to me & he was right. about so many things. He started haunting me full force. He is here in this house. I was finally able to finish the song I had started about him so many years ago. I started singing all the time. I had tried to make music before but when I got to this house the music came effortlessly, & in a flood. I can feel him urging me to do certain things & showing me signs that he is here. I had a dream one night at work when i was doing midnights & I could see him riding in the car with me to work & curling up to sleep on the floor beside me. Everyone was talking about jerking off in another thread & I can't believe I'm admitting this but when I pleasure myself & think of some hot guy or some celeb I only have a mild O but if i let Cliff in & think of him I have explosive Os & usually want to fall into a deep sleep where I dream about him. I almost feel like I'm conjuring him. LOL I just want to remember him & let him know that he still exists. Thanks so much for reading all of this & to all of you who have your own ghosts to deal with My heart goes out to you! One day I hope to finally give him a headstone & to bring his murderers to justice. Please hope this will be achieved. I am a prisoner of hope!
aea-though i know you mourn every day for cliff...... my thoughts are with you. sing it out today girl.
xo jo
xo jo
Thanks Jo for understanding! Sometimes it seems your the only one who does. Your probably getting tired of hearing about him but I thanks you for being kind anyway. How did you know I've been doing a ton of singing today?LOL You know me so well!
{{{Jo}}}
aea~
{{{Jo}}}
aea~
How lovely to have had someone believe in you, like Cliff did.
"Its who you are & your never going to hide it completely and you shouldn't hide it."
You're honouring Cliffs' words to you back then by sharing this story with us, today. Can you see that? That is truly beautiful.
"You should embrace it.Take back your life & do whats in your heart."
Again, in written form, you have a voice and you are using it. Cliff is proud of you, I'm sure of it.
*******************************************************************************************
The storm of the last night has crowned this morning with golden peace.
-Tagore
"Its who you are & your never going to hide it completely and you shouldn't hide it."
You're honouring Cliffs' words to you back then by sharing this story with us, today. Can you see that? That is truly beautiful.
"You should embrace it.Take back your life & do whats in your heart."
Again, in written form, you have a voice and you are using it. Cliff is proud of you, I'm sure of it.
*******************************************************************************************
The storm of the last night has crowned this morning with golden peace.
-Tagore
Yes, WW I am very lucky to have known him at all! We certainly needed each other more than either of us knew. What a nice thought...to think that he might be proud of me. I still have so much more to do. Maybe one day...
And he was lucky to have known you in his short life. He made a bad childhood decision that he was unable to reverse. Even his friend recognized he had never been happier than when he was with you, so for his short time on earth, you gave him much joy.
hi aea- i'm sooo glad you were able to get that out. all those feelings about cliff.... and such wonderful responses. i can understand hubbie being uncomfortable with it all but you can let it out here. part of your recovery to put it all into persepctive. that and other things and you will. once again i'm glad you are back.
soon i'll write you a long private one and we'll catch up okay?
:) jo
soon i'll write you a long private one and we'll catch up okay?
:) jo
Jamv,
Thank you so much for saying that. I had kept it together till I read your words. I feel all warm & fuzzy now thinking about the hope& joy I did inspire in him. Once when I was really having a hard time with his death I could almost feel him there apologizing for causing me such pain. He was saying that if we had never met then I wouldn't be hurting. I couldn't take it & made sure he knew that no matter what I'm not letting him go. I don't take it back, not even one second, & I hope he knows his impact was all a good one. Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today. Someone who doesn't take life for granted. Someone who is happy to be alive. Thanks again for letting me remember!
aea
Thank you so much for saying that. I had kept it together till I read your words. I feel all warm & fuzzy now thinking about the hope& joy I did inspire in him. Once when I was really having a hard time with his death I could almost feel him there apologizing for causing me such pain. He was saying that if we had never met then I wouldn't be hurting. I couldn't take it & made sure he knew that no matter what I'm not letting him go. I don't take it back, not even one second, & I hope he knows his impact was all a good one. Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today. Someone who doesn't take life for granted. Someone who is happy to be alive. Thanks again for letting me remember!
aea
Cliff,
Sweetie, I just want you to know that I am still missin you so much & I will never get over you passing. I am diligently working to make our dreams come true. I know you know that. I have stayed the course & I will make you proud hopefully soon. I miss your smile & your eyes & the way you smelled & walked & your sexy hair & your laugh. You had the best sense of humor & you always made me laugh. I will never forget the innocence you still seemed to carry even after all you had been through. I pray someday the rest of the world will be touched by your life as i have been. I pray the world will hear your song & feel the loss that we both have endured. I wish you would come see me more. I can handle it better now, I promise I can. Just come back & let me feel you again. I know you havent left but I want you make yourself known to me again. I thank you for guiding me & leading me in the right direction. You always knew what I needed & that hasnt changed a bit. You know this is our song don't you. You know I sing it for you.
Ghost in this House~ Allison Krause
I dont pick up the mail
i dont pick up the phone
i dont answer the door
I'd just as soon be alone
I dont keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I dont live in these rooms
i just rattle around
i'm just a ghost in this house
Im just a shadow upon these walls
as quietly as a mouse i haunt these halls
im just a whisper of smoke
im all thats left of two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
im just a ghost in this house
i dont care if it rains
i dont care if its clear
i dont mind stayin in
theres another ghost here
he sits down in your chair
& he shines with your light
& he lays down his head
on your pillow at night
i'm just a ghost in this house
Im just a shadow upon these walls
as quietly as a mouse i haunt these halls
im just a whisper of smoke
im all thats left of two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
im just a ghost in this house
Im just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon this walls
I'm livin proof of the damage heartbreak does
Im just a whisper of smoke
I'm all thats left to two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
i'm just a ghost in this house.
I love you Cliff! Please hold on tight to that till its time for you to show me the way to Heaven.
Love you so much,
Me
Sweetie, I just want you to know that I am still missin you so much & I will never get over you passing. I am diligently working to make our dreams come true. I know you know that. I have stayed the course & I will make you proud hopefully soon. I miss your smile & your eyes & the way you smelled & walked & your sexy hair & your laugh. You had the best sense of humor & you always made me laugh. I will never forget the innocence you still seemed to carry even after all you had been through. I pray someday the rest of the world will be touched by your life as i have been. I pray the world will hear your song & feel the loss that we both have endured. I wish you would come see me more. I can handle it better now, I promise I can. Just come back & let me feel you again. I know you havent left but I want you make yourself known to me again. I thank you for guiding me & leading me in the right direction. You always knew what I needed & that hasnt changed a bit. You know this is our song don't you. You know I sing it for you.
Ghost in this House~ Allison Krause
I dont pick up the mail
i dont pick up the phone
i dont answer the door
I'd just as soon be alone
I dont keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I dont live in these rooms
i just rattle around
i'm just a ghost in this house
Im just a shadow upon these walls
as quietly as a mouse i haunt these halls
im just a whisper of smoke
im all thats left of two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
im just a ghost in this house
i dont care if it rains
i dont care if its clear
i dont mind stayin in
theres another ghost here
he sits down in your chair
& he shines with your light
& he lays down his head
on your pillow at night
i'm just a ghost in this house
Im just a shadow upon these walls
as quietly as a mouse i haunt these halls
im just a whisper of smoke
im all thats left of two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
im just a ghost in this house
Im just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon this walls
I'm livin proof of the damage heartbreak does
Im just a whisper of smoke
I'm all thats left to two hearts on fire
that once burned out of control
you took my body & soul
i'm just a ghost in this house.
I love you Cliff! Please hold on tight to that till its time for you to show me the way to Heaven.
Love you so much,
Me
