I didn't write about what happened a few days ago at work because it seemed insignificant but today I've realized that it is still making my head noisy so I thought I'd share what happened.
Most my life I have felt invisible and insignificant. This wound was reopened at work on Thursday. First a little background. We've added a suite to the clinic I work for, new phone number, fax number, email. Thursday afternoon right next to my computer an old business card lay with handwritting on it. Someone had crossed out the old information and added the new contact information. Then 3 names and their contact information were listed: the senior coordinator and both the study coordinators. My name and contact information was not included. At that instant I felt hurt, invisible, and felt that though I feel that I contribute equally to the department, that others may see my role as insignificant and not worth noting.
At first I wasn't going to say anything but that would have been old behavior...not stand up for myself and let a resentment fester. So I went to the three women as they were all talking in one of the rooms. I gave my supervisor the card and said, "I know I am being sensitive but I think it is rude that my name was not included". She looked at the card, her face turned red, and she said, "you are right, your name isn't on it but you don't have to be sensitive".
In retrospect, I should have said, "I noticed my name isn't included. Could you include it on the card?" But no, I reacted from an old wound and I admit, I wasn't graceful. I may 'stood up' for myself by bringing it to her attention but I ended up looking like a sensitive/pathetic/insecure woman (in my opinion) by the way I brought it up. Now I am beating myself up and wish I just kept my mouth shut (old behavior).
I've always been told that I am too sensitive...something I dont think is necessarily bad. My sensitivity contributes to my sincere empathy and always trying to be conscious of others feelings. It also affords me a keen intuition.
I guess I am just posting this to clear my head. I recognize that keeping my mouth shut wouldn't have been healthy but now find myself doubting my ability to speak my mind, stand up for myself, AND do it with grace. :)
Thank you for letting me share.
Hi Zipper,
My Sponsor always reminds me what it says in the Big Book: "restraint of pen and tongue", ahhhhhhhh restraint of pen and tongue, until I've thought it over (I use to just have knee jerk reactions) ~ she suggests I pray to my HP before opening my mouth or writing a note to someone when I am in resentment mode and then she says "the answers will come if your own house in order"....she also reminds me "that we pause when agitated"....my Sponsor the walking Big Book...just gotta love her!
Thank you for sharing and you have a keen sense of awareness....which is so great!
My Sponsor always reminds me what it says in the Big Book: "restraint of pen and tongue", ahhhhhhhh restraint of pen and tongue, until I've thought it over (I use to just have knee jerk reactions) ~ she suggests I pray to my HP before opening my mouth or writing a note to someone when I am in resentment mode and then she says "the answers will come if your own house in order"....she also reminds me "that we pause when agitated"....my Sponsor the walking Big Book...just gotta love her!
Thank you for sharing and you have a keen sense of awareness....which is so great!
I just made up a guide for me, using the word PAUSE. I recall reading somewhere about PAUSE and what it stand for. If anyone knows what I am talking about, please share.
P pray for guidance
A ask what my next step should be
U use recovery tools
S silence, listen for inspiration
E ego-release
I know that is pretty rudimentary...so if someone knows the "real" pause principle...I'd love to hear it.
P pray for guidance
A ask what my next step should be
U use recovery tools
S silence, listen for inspiration
E ego-release
I know that is pretty rudimentary...so if someone knows the "real" pause principle...I'd love to hear it.
Gidday Zipper
Count the positives of what you done and they outweigh the one negative that you have pointed out, addictive thinking needs you to concentrate on the negative so addiction has a chance to try and acert itself back into your thinking.
Give yourself a pat on the back and a smile in a mirror and accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with mr Inbetween (going into our heads alone)
light and love Zac
Count the positives of what you done and they outweigh the one negative that you have pointed out, addictive thinking needs you to concentrate on the negative so addiction has a chance to try and acert itself back into your thinking.
Give yourself a pat on the back and a smile in a mirror and accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with mr Inbetween (going into our heads alone)
light and love Zac
Zac, you are a gem. Thank you for reminding me that my disease wants me to only recognize and obsess on the negative....Thank you.
Hi Zipper,
It was quite sad to read your post. I can identify with it completely. You are beating yourself up because you should have said this but you actually said something else. I have done that so much to myself. It is actually quite odd to see someone else doing it. You have allowed me to see myself from outside of myself if you know what I mean. Thankyou for that.
Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing!! I hope you can get over this hurdle, put it behind you and move on, well equipped with a new lesson learnt, a new recovery tool and new insight into yourself and your alcoholism.
It was quite sad to read your post. I can identify with it completely. You are beating yourself up because you should have said this but you actually said something else. I have done that so much to myself. It is actually quite odd to see someone else doing it. You have allowed me to see myself from outside of myself if you know what I mean. Thankyou for that.
Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing!! I hope you can get over this hurdle, put it behind you and move on, well equipped with a new lesson learnt, a new recovery tool and new insight into yourself and your alcoholism.
Thank You, for being humble and honest. Yeah that Zak man has 12 years of sobriety it shows huh. Plus I think he has lots of experience banging the ping pongs around in his head.
Dsam on the PP board is one of my favorite poster's she shared something about boundries today from Melodie Beattie. I think thats her name. To Jules. Good read. I think many of us are sensitive. Something about us alkies. The good part as you know is that your compassionate Zipper. I for one am sure their are many others who appreciate you! Congrats on 39+ days!
Dsam on the PP board is one of my favorite poster's she shared something about boundries today from Melodie Beattie. I think thats her name. To Jules. Good read. I think many of us are sensitive. Something about us alkies. The good part as you know is that your compassionate Zipper. I for one am sure their are many others who appreciate you! Congrats on 39+ days!
I want to thank each of for your encouraging posts. Today I haven't been obsessing about this, which is improvement. Zac's post got me thinking and I truly believe it isn't a coincidence that my head gets the most noisy at night...this is when I'd drink....my disease is 'telling' urging me to pick up that first drink and 'quiet' my head. Great awareness and insight.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
Well....I can only be brief, as I am at work...my immediate boss called me in to a meeting and said, "your response to the business card was damaging. We had a great week and then you go and do this". My response, "in hindsight, I wish I would have approached it as...". I told her that her words were shaming and not realistic if she constitutes a good week without a hiccup. I admitted that I was sensitive and more sensitive than most. I then asked if she has ever managed anyone before and she said no. I said that the reality is that life happens and not everyone gets along and meshes well at all times...we are human for heavens sake. She proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to manage at all and that we should all just get along, essentially.
Needless to say, I said the only way I see me working there is if I don't take things personally, if I just get the job done, and I can't have feelings hurt when I am invalidated....
I admitted that the job may just not be a good fit. I am used to autonomy, working in the role of my co-workers and that it feels that in order to make things work, I've got to be okay be treated demeaningly from this one co-worker. She said, "well you are the one who has the problems, she's never said anything". I had to laugh. I said, "of course she hasn't, she isn't the one treated like everyone's sherpa.
Anyway, I don't regret anything I said today and proud, actually. Again, this experience shows me that I need to find a better fitting job. It is just too much to be working with this co-worker and a boss who has been pretty clear in supporting her.
Ugh...just had to vent before my head exploded.
Needless to say, I said the only way I see me working there is if I don't take things personally, if I just get the job done, and I can't have feelings hurt when I am invalidated....
I admitted that the job may just not be a good fit. I am used to autonomy, working in the role of my co-workers and that it feels that in order to make things work, I've got to be okay be treated demeaningly from this one co-worker. She said, "well you are the one who has the problems, she's never said anything". I had to laugh. I said, "of course she hasn't, she isn't the one treated like everyone's sherpa.
Anyway, I don't regret anything I said today and proud, actually. Again, this experience shows me that I need to find a better fitting job. It is just too much to be working with this co-worker and a boss who has been pretty clear in supporting her.
Ugh...just had to vent before my head exploded.
Good for you Zipper for finding your voice. For standing up for you and doing it with a polite grace. For realizing you have skills and talents far beyond where you are today. Take them some where to a place where you can utilize them and be appreciated. Have faith in God to carry you to your next career move. Dare to dream.
Love,
Chris xxx
Love,
Chris xxx
Well done. I'm impressed! It sounds as though you dealt with it in a very mature way.
Thank you all, again, for the encouraging words. It was a difficult situation and she said some pretty harsh things: "Now I can't look at you the same way". WHAT: because I spoke my mind albeit not gracefully, all my hardwork is overlooked? She also said, "stop being so paranoid". Again, I felt shamed and misunderstood. I didn't even respond to that comment. Sensitive, yes, paranoia, no. If it had been the first circumstance where I was left out or my role was diminished, I'd agree that I may be a bit paranoid. However, this has been an on-going issue. I believe her expectations are unrealistic (we all should get along) and I didn't feel heard. Every example I gave regarding the friction with the co-worker, she disregarded completely or made a justification.
Bottom-line, I feel like I haven't been truly heard, that she invalidated my feelings, that my role has been reiterated as insignificant, and the issues are basically in my head.
The one thing I can take complete responsibilty in is her mentioning that I can't take anything personally. This is something I will own and work on.
Thanks for listening.
Bottom-line, I feel like I haven't been truly heard, that she invalidated my feelings, that my role has been reiterated as insignificant, and the issues are basically in my head.
The one thing I can take complete responsibilty in is her mentioning that I can't take anything personally. This is something I will own and work on.
Thanks for listening.
Gidday Zipper
She is the one who took it personally......and that as a manager is dangerous, because you can loose good workers and end up out of pocket as a company.
Managerial courses for her or at least a mentor
Good on ya for self belief another positive in your day:)
light and love zac
She is the one who took it personally......and that as a manager is dangerous, because you can loose good workers and end up out of pocket as a company.
Managerial courses for her or at least a mentor
Good on ya for self belief another positive in your day:)
light and love zac
Hi Zipper,
I agree with Zak, your manager is the one taking things personally. She ought to be thankful that you are able to communicate when things are bothering you, any manager worth their salt will accept the odd "ungraceful" commuication, especially if the person is willing to move towards a more collabarative tone. Good grief, we all say things awkwardly once in a while, we all have the right to clarify things we have said. I think you handled the situation just fine.
one day at a time, Cookster
I agree with Zak, your manager is the one taking things personally. She ought to be thankful that you are able to communicate when things are bothering you, any manager worth their salt will accept the odd "ungraceful" commuication, especially if the person is willing to move towards a more collabarative tone. Good grief, we all say things awkwardly once in a while, we all have the right to clarify things we have said. I think you handled the situation just fine.
one day at a time, Cookster
Zac and Cookster...thank you so much for hearing what I was trying to impress. I don't need to be right, I just felt that I owed it to myself to speak up and stand up for myself.
Hugs.
Hugs.
