Guilt.

Hello everyone. Hope you're having a good, clean & sober day. Thank you for reading this.

I'm 26 years old and have struggled with major depression for 9 years. In the past several years, starting with back spasms to the point I couldn't move, I've been dependent/addicted to painkillers. Only in the past few months have I been in treatment for the addiction. (support groups, 1 on 1 counseling)

I stole prescription pills from a friend when I was using, and she recently found out that it happened and that it was me who took them. I stole from a *friend,* and I hate myself for it. I even stole pills from my own father about a year ago when I was using at my heaviest. Why does addiction make me such a horrible person that deeply hurts the people closest to me? Stealing someone's car seems ridiculous to me, but I can rationalize stealing pills for a moment in time?? How does that happen? The guilt I feel at the moment makes me want to curl up in a ball in bed and be depressed, but I know I can't just give up on the progress I have managed to make. But how can I NOT loathe myself for my behavior?? I don't deserve to forgive myself for this. :'(
You aren't a bad person trying to get good, you're sick, trying to get well.

Our disease has created destructive behavior, but it isn't who we are, it's the illness. I think of myself as a really good person who because of addiction, has done some terrible things. But, I've made ammends where I can and try to live by example now. Not wanting to ever go back to that kind of behavior, helps keep me clean. I hurt alot of people, but mostly, I hurt myself. You aren't alone..
Welcome!!!!
I love the Simpsons ref.

Guilt is a killer for me. I am in early recovery so I struggle with guilt and shame daily. There are people here with lots more clean time who have learned how to forgive themselves.......I believe it is a key to lasting recovery and happiness. I am trying to get there. Addiction makes us all do things we regret. I have nearly lost everything because of my lies and addiction-related behavior. We all do things to feed this disease....these things do not dedfine us as people.

Hang in there!!!!!
Jer
I would have stole the last remaining narcotic from a dying grandmother with terminal cancer.
Does it mean I'm moraly reprehensible?..........No
Does it mean I'm right?..................................No

Addiction is a disease and most of us would have gone to any length to get a fix.I'll rephrase that.I would have.

Opiates hijack the brain's functions.When we run out or low on supply our brain signals a "flight or fight message." It literally tells you that you're going to die if you don't get a fix.That's pretty powerful stuff.

This behavior won't stop either as the disease progresses.Stopping the using is the first step but until the whole disease is adressed,that usually is just a temporary solution.
To the three of you that responded to my post... THANK YOU. :)

What you wrote is exactly what I needed to hear (or read, actually). I was told by my counselor (she does mental health and addiction counseling) those things as well, but I needed to know if other addicts came to accept that. It seems like such an overwhelming task... to move past the guilt and shame. Phew, so many things to think about.

Again, thank you for your insight. :)