I've just had the mother of all arguments with my mum. She's been a total b****.
She said she wished I was dead and hoped I'd kill myself... so I slapped her in the face and pushed her.
I went upstairs and started cutting again... then I reached for the whisky. I really do wish I was dead right now... I feel so alone and nobody cares for me... I've just had enough this week...
Izzy
Izzy,
I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. Mother and daughter relationships can be the hardest to deal with. And the most shattering to our self esteem sometimes. Maybe your Mum was just incredibly angry and exploded by saying horrible things to you that she probably regrets now. Maybe she is lashing out from her own fears and anger.
I was brought up just by my Mum - my brother and sister didn't live with us and my dad is an active alcoholic so he was never around. So it was just two females under the one roof and that got to be really hard. We would often have the most horrible rows with even physical stuff and saying the most hurtful things. I often wished that I was dead or just never born in the first place. But I knew deep down that she loved me ( and I her) and that in some cases she was just acting from her own painful place - not that that gives anyone the right to hurt us., But I had to take my share of responsibility too.
But please believe me when i tell you that you DO have a place in this world and you deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself. It is your birthright.
Harming yourself is a way of self rejection and not feeling that you are good enough. I've been there too. But you are good enough and you need to start to accept all parts of you right now in this moment - the good stuff anf the stuff you can hardly stand to look at. Bu accepting all of who you are you enter into a place where you can bring about positive changes.,
I'm not saying this is all Alice in Wonderland with rainbows and sun beams, It's not. It's a tough but a worthwhile journey and please believe me I have picked up many whiskey bottles along the way, But it does get better,
Please write back - I'm logged on still. If you need to talk or just get anything off your chest. Pleas take a deep breath and allow yourslef some time to think it over.
Lots of love, Ruth
I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. Mother and daughter relationships can be the hardest to deal with. And the most shattering to our self esteem sometimes. Maybe your Mum was just incredibly angry and exploded by saying horrible things to you that she probably regrets now. Maybe she is lashing out from her own fears and anger.
I was brought up just by my Mum - my brother and sister didn't live with us and my dad is an active alcoholic so he was never around. So it was just two females under the one roof and that got to be really hard. We would often have the most horrible rows with even physical stuff and saying the most hurtful things. I often wished that I was dead or just never born in the first place. But I knew deep down that she loved me ( and I her) and that in some cases she was just acting from her own painful place - not that that gives anyone the right to hurt us., But I had to take my share of responsibility too.
But please believe me when i tell you that you DO have a place in this world and you deserve to be happy and feel good about yourself. It is your birthright.
Harming yourself is a way of self rejection and not feeling that you are good enough. I've been there too. But you are good enough and you need to start to accept all parts of you right now in this moment - the good stuff anf the stuff you can hardly stand to look at. Bu accepting all of who you are you enter into a place where you can bring about positive changes.,
I'm not saying this is all Alice in Wonderland with rainbows and sun beams, It's not. It's a tough but a worthwhile journey and please believe me I have picked up many whiskey bottles along the way, But it does get better,
Please write back - I'm logged on still. If you need to talk or just get anything off your chest. Pleas take a deep breath and allow yourslef some time to think it over.
Lots of love, Ruth
Hi Ruth
Thank you so much for your positive post. We have made up now... I took the first step and said I was really sorry for shouting and hitting her so I gave her a big hug and she said she forgave me.
I'm actually in the middle of Psychology right now but the whole thing is so baffling to me... I don't know how to react or say the right thing... I feel like whatever I say is the wrong thing and I feel like I'm getting into trouble for feeling things the way I do. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Luckily the whisky bottle I picked up was only big enough for 4 units... but the fact I actually did it is enough to tell me that I still have a problem.
I am still trying to find out who I am at the moment because I have no idea... when I do my life will become easier.
Thanks for your great words. I really appreiate it.
Izzy X
Thank you so much for your positive post. We have made up now... I took the first step and said I was really sorry for shouting and hitting her so I gave her a big hug and she said she forgave me.
I'm actually in the middle of Psychology right now but the whole thing is so baffling to me... I don't know how to react or say the right thing... I feel like whatever I say is the wrong thing and I feel like I'm getting into trouble for feeling things the way I do. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Luckily the whisky bottle I picked up was only big enough for 4 units... but the fact I actually did it is enough to tell me that I still have a problem.
I am still trying to find out who I am at the moment because I have no idea... when I do my life will become easier.
Thanks for your great words. I really appreiate it.
Izzy X
Gidday Izzy
So cool to see your post even though it was at a sad moment in time for you.
It is so easy for me to hurt the ones i love and vice versa when i used to build up for a drink i would hurt people around me have an arguement and that justified the drink and for my partner she would just fly off the handle at the pressure of being in a relationship with me as an active alky, which suited me fine as it gave me more ammo to drink with and i was good at giving people my s***e.
In early recovery when these build up moments occured sometimes i had to leave the house because the pressure was to much only to walk back into morer grief but the settle time was enough for me to get my head into order and the serenity prayer.
We still argue and can be hurtfull at times but at least now i can see the hurt i own and the person i argue with owns and i can say sorry for my part if needed as i still can be an ars#hole at times and so can people i love, its just so much easier being able to see who owns what and telling them that as this puts an end to an arguement real quick.
I always remember if i am pointing my finger at someone there are 3 pointing back at me and one up to the referee, and if i am talking about someone my ears can now hear the words as well as my heart
It is so great to see your post and give Freddie a hug for me
light and love Zac
So cool to see your post even though it was at a sad moment in time for you.
It is so easy for me to hurt the ones i love and vice versa when i used to build up for a drink i would hurt people around me have an arguement and that justified the drink and for my partner she would just fly off the handle at the pressure of being in a relationship with me as an active alky, which suited me fine as it gave me more ammo to drink with and i was good at giving people my s***e.
In early recovery when these build up moments occured sometimes i had to leave the house because the pressure was to much only to walk back into morer grief but the settle time was enough for me to get my head into order and the serenity prayer.
We still argue and can be hurtfull at times but at least now i can see the hurt i own and the person i argue with owns and i can say sorry for my part if needed as i still can be an ars#hole at times and so can people i love, its just so much easier being able to see who owns what and telling them that as this puts an end to an arguement real quick.
I always remember if i am pointing my finger at someone there are 3 pointing back at me and one up to the referee, and if i am talking about someone my ears can now hear the words as well as my heart
It is so great to see your post and give Freddie a hug for me
light and love Zac
Hi Izzy, x
I'm glad you both sorted it out.
I think when you are doing Psych there is no such thing as a right or a wrong thing to say. Maybe you just need to start feeling with your heart rather than thinking with your head a bit more and then you start getting in to what is really going on with you. Sometimes our ego likes to think it is in charge and gets right in there telling us we should say it this way or that way or "I shoudn't have said that , he/she will think I'm foolish". We need to suspend the ego if we want to get to the real essence of us. And maybe that just means allowing yourself to really feel your emotions and more importantly to be honest about what you are feeling. Sometimes we get ashamed of feelings like anger or hatred or depression or loneliness but they are real feelings and they need to be acknolwedged. The good thing about this is that once you get in touch with these feelings you aren't stuck anymore - you start flowing better with the process of life.
I'm not a professional in this area but I am a self help book junkie and this is really the fundamental truth of what I have learned that I am sharing with you. It seems to work for me.
Just take it a bit easier on yourself, let yourself just be.....and remember you are never alone on this forum.
Take care, Ruth x
I'm glad you both sorted it out.
I think when you are doing Psych there is no such thing as a right or a wrong thing to say. Maybe you just need to start feeling with your heart rather than thinking with your head a bit more and then you start getting in to what is really going on with you. Sometimes our ego likes to think it is in charge and gets right in there telling us we should say it this way or that way or "I shoudn't have said that , he/she will think I'm foolish". We need to suspend the ego if we want to get to the real essence of us. And maybe that just means allowing yourself to really feel your emotions and more importantly to be honest about what you are feeling. Sometimes we get ashamed of feelings like anger or hatred or depression or loneliness but they are real feelings and they need to be acknolwedged. The good thing about this is that once you get in touch with these feelings you aren't stuck anymore - you start flowing better with the process of life.
I'm not a professional in this area but I am a self help book junkie and this is really the fundamental truth of what I have learned that I am sharing with you. It seems to work for me.
Just take it a bit easier on yourself, let yourself just be.....and remember you are never alone on this forum.
Take care, Ruth x
Hi guys,
Thanks for your posts... I agree with what you're saying.
My dad got pissed on whisky last night and he's got a hangover today and he's taking it out on me as per usual...
I saw him feeding my dog biscuits after he'd told me he never feeds him. I asked him nicely to stop feeding him and I got a barrage of abuse in turn... he went in the huff and has had a go at me all day.
I know he doesn't respect me one bit... I have asked nicely I have shouted at him to stop feeding my dog crap but he doesn't listen. "It's only a bit of biscuit" he says... yeah then another bit then another then a bit of sandwich... I've seen him at it! It might seem trivial but it's a matter of respect... he doesn't respect me enough to honour my wishes.
I haven't turned to the drink.
My uncle is an alcoholic. He's been staying with us... he drinks whisky then wine then beer then more whisky every night... He doesn't even know what a unit of alcohol is which shocked me... I don't know if h's drunk when he goes to bed but he drinks far too much.
Not my problem.
It just seems to be all around me this drinking...
Izzy X
Thanks for your posts... I agree with what you're saying.
My dad got pissed on whisky last night and he's got a hangover today and he's taking it out on me as per usual...
I saw him feeding my dog biscuits after he'd told me he never feeds him. I asked him nicely to stop feeding him and I got a barrage of abuse in turn... he went in the huff and has had a go at me all day.
I know he doesn't respect me one bit... I have asked nicely I have shouted at him to stop feeding my dog crap but he doesn't listen. "It's only a bit of biscuit" he says... yeah then another bit then another then a bit of sandwich... I've seen him at it! It might seem trivial but it's a matter of respect... he doesn't respect me enough to honour my wishes.
I haven't turned to the drink.
My uncle is an alcoholic. He's been staying with us... he drinks whisky then wine then beer then more whisky every night... He doesn't even know what a unit of alcohol is which shocked me... I don't know if h's drunk when he goes to bed but he drinks far too much.
Not my problem.
It just seems to be all around me this drinking...
Izzy X
Hi there Izzy,
Just wanted to pop on and say it is so good to see your posts. How are you doing now?
Geri
Just wanted to pop on and say it is so good to see your posts. How are you doing now?
Geri
Hi Geri,
I'm fine... my uncle and aunt have gone back to the States now... I'm glad in a way coz there wont be all this drinking around me to the extent he was knocking it back.
All in all I'm feeling better. Thank you for asking
Izzy X
I'm fine... my uncle and aunt have gone back to the States now... I'm glad in a way coz there wont be all this drinking around me to the extent he was knocking it back.
All in all I'm feeling better. Thank you for asking
Izzy X
