Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Mike throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!'
Joe says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
Pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a
bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, 'Nowainaminit,
I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla
drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many
and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said h e was verrry sorry an'
gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.'
'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too
OMFG ROTFLMAO Kat!!!! Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!!
How ya doing girlfriend? All is well with me! :-)
How ya doing girlfriend? All is well with me! :-)
LOLOLOLOLOL....Funny as hell thanks............Davey
You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
3 guys are sitting at a bar on a saturday afternoon on the exact three bar stools they sat the night before...
1st guy says..I got so drunk last night I left the bar and walked home and got mugged and then arrested for drunk in public and got thrown in jail
2nd guy says....I got so drunk last night I drove home last night and got into a wreck and got thrown in jail
3rd guy says......I got so drunk I went home and blew chunks
the 1st and 2nd guys look at the 3rd guy and say "it dos'nt look you had that rough of a night
3rd guy says...............no guys,you don't understand, "chunks" is my dog !
1st guy says..I got so drunk last night I left the bar and walked home and got mugged and then arrested for drunk in public and got thrown in jail
2nd guy says....I got so drunk last night I drove home last night and got into a wreck and got thrown in jail
3rd guy says......I got so drunk I went home and blew chunks
the 1st and 2nd guys look at the 3rd guy and say "it dos'nt look you had that rough of a night
3rd guy says...............no guys,you don't understand, "chunks" is my dog !
stages of drunkness
0. stone cold sober. brain as sharp as an army bayonet
1.still sober,pleasure centers activated.feeling of well being
2.Beer warming up head,pretzels are ordered.barmaid complimented on choice of blouse
3. crossword in newspaper is filled in. after a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers
4. barmaid complimented on choice of bra.Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.
5. have a brilliant discussion with guy on next bar stool.devise foolproof plan for winning lottery,sort out Denver broncos defense problems
6. feel like demi-God.map out rest of life on cocktail napkin.realize that everybody loves you.call parents and tell them that you love them. call girlfriend and tell her you love her and that she still has an amazing a**
7. send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend.no reaction. scribble out messages of love on 5 cocktail napkins and frisbee them to her across the room.Boyfriend asks you outside.you buy him a drink
8. some slurring ,you offer to buy drinks for everyone in the room. Lots of people say yes.go around the bar hugging them one by one.fall over get up
9. headache kicks in.Beer tastes off. send it back,next bottle comes back tasting same, say that tastes much better.fight nausea by trying to play old space invaders game before seeing out of order sign
10 some doubling of vision.stand on table shouting abuse at bartenders.Talked down by bartenders wives who you offer to give a baby to.Fall over .impale head on corner of table. fail to notice oozing head wound.
11. speech no longer possible.eventually manage to find door.sit and take stock.realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. vomit.pass out
12. put in cab by somebody.Give home address.taken home. cant get key in door.realize you've given address of local gym.Generally pleased at how evening has gone.pass out again.
0. stone cold sober. brain as sharp as an army bayonet
1.still sober,pleasure centers activated.feeling of well being
2.Beer warming up head,pretzels are ordered.barmaid complimented on choice of blouse
3. crossword in newspaper is filled in. after a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers
4. barmaid complimented on choice of bra.Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzels one by one.
5. have a brilliant discussion with guy on next bar stool.devise foolproof plan for winning lottery,sort out Denver broncos defense problems
6. feel like demi-God.map out rest of life on cocktail napkin.realize that everybody loves you.call parents and tell them that you love them. call girlfriend and tell her you love her and that she still has an amazing a**
7. send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend.no reaction. scribble out messages of love on 5 cocktail napkins and frisbee them to her across the room.Boyfriend asks you outside.you buy him a drink
8. some slurring ,you offer to buy drinks for everyone in the room. Lots of people say yes.go around the bar hugging them one by one.fall over get up
9. headache kicks in.Beer tastes off. send it back,next bottle comes back tasting same, say that tastes much better.fight nausea by trying to play old space invaders game before seeing out of order sign
10 some doubling of vision.stand on table shouting abuse at bartenders.Talked down by bartenders wives who you offer to give a baby to.Fall over .impale head on corner of table. fail to notice oozing head wound.
11. speech no longer possible.eventually manage to find door.sit and take stock.realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. vomit.pass out
12. put in cab by somebody.Give home address.taken home. cant get key in door.realize you've given address of local gym.Generally pleased at how evening has gone.pass out again.
Just makes you want to go get drunk, doesn't it. NOT
