Hello, I was posting here months ago but kind of strayed away. Anyway I've accumulated some serious clean time. I have been sober since September 24, almost five months. I feel that everything in my life has improved, especially my relationships with those important to me, but I have this nagging sense that my life has become completely boring. I've recently taken up exercise which is great. I've already lost about fifteen pounds in three weeks. What REALLY makes me upset are that these anti-depressants and anti psych. pills made me gain almost thirty pounds. I have stretch marks all over my body and it really makes me upset. That and not being able to go out and have "fun". I still minimize my problem (at least I wasn't on crack or herion), and I still get cravings and using dreams, and I absolutely HATE my job and I still have a problem with ominpotence and I'm still battling depression and lonliness, but I'm taking small steps to become a healthier person. I guess the real test begins when my outpatient group therapy ends in two weeks. I've been neglecting NA and still believe it's a cult, and I'm really let down in James Frye's book (me thinks once a lying addict, always a lying addict), but I'm staying sober. I guess the idea is Mind-Body-Spirit. Once the mind is healthy, the body can be made healthy too, with the spirit following soon after. To those trying to get a month clean, hand in there. Early recovery can be...ahem... difficult. But once you clear the initial hurdle, all you have is today. Worry about that.
Recovery is not 100% joy. It can get a lot of people off your back, if that's what your in it for. s***, I still wonder if I'm doing it for my folks to have a roof over my head, or if I'm sick of being a burnout all the time. Most myths are shattered in recovery, such as trying to be something your not. In my case, being a musician. I used that as a ploy to get high. An accquaintance of mine popped out of thin air to tell me the kid he plays guitar with and him are now gigging regularly. I used to drum with them. They never gigged when I played with them. It's just like WTF! I wish I could be a part of it, but I can't- I'm an addict. Just like everyone who realizes they can't go on living they way they once were. My accquaitance gets stoned everyday and he's only 23, and fails to realize that pot is addictive. He convinced himself that there is no long term damage done to the brain from habitual use. In his case, multiple daily use translates into addiction- such a slippery slope, you know? I wish he could learn from my mistakes, but he is scornful of advise.
With all this clean time, I still get bouts of memory loss, shallowness, apathy and being anti-social. It sometimes feels like I am still burntout as if I just smoked up. That's what's really worrying me. I really think I did some damage to my brain that I won't be able to walk away from. It's sad, but I still have support from those who love me. Everybody in my group relapses so I haven't really gotten too close with them. This one girl, a chronic relapser, still fantasizes about coke and bar hopping. Anyway I just wanted to rant. I hope everybody is doing well and trying to stay sober.
Dear Justin, You have said so many positive thimgs. You are wise beyond your years. My son (age 22) recently has 30 days clean. He is in court ordered outpatient, due to some petty thefts. He went to 17 days of drug rehab at age 17.
His father and I are fairly successful and he has a younger brother and sister. He has told me he "just wants to smoke pot" and would spend $30.00 a day on it, if he had the money. Does that sound like a lot of pot to you? I really don't know.
He has not lived at home for a few years because he stole from me. But we have never lost touch. He is not able to hold a job and right now, is at outpatient so much that it would be impossible to work. My mother pays his rent.
I absolutely hated A Million Little Pieces and my son said right away that it was false.
Exercise is very good for you and will have many benefits. Look for a different job while you still have one. What do you do?
I don't consider NA a cult. A cult is something that takes your money, controls your life and kicks you out when they are done with you. If you keep working the program and working on one problem at a time, one day you will start to feel human again.
Let me say, as a mother, you have put a lot of poison in your body. It will take a long time to be 100%. Think how long you smoked. I am guessing that your buddy that is still smoking really isn't a buddy. He is just a hanger on. And he will try to trip you up.
By the way, I thought a gig was a job. Are you using it to say those band guys are smoking? Try Christian music. Some of it is really good.
His father and I are fairly successful and he has a younger brother and sister. He has told me he "just wants to smoke pot" and would spend $30.00 a day on it, if he had the money. Does that sound like a lot of pot to you? I really don't know.
He has not lived at home for a few years because he stole from me. But we have never lost touch. He is not able to hold a job and right now, is at outpatient so much that it would be impossible to work. My mother pays his rent.
I absolutely hated A Million Little Pieces and my son said right away that it was false.
Exercise is very good for you and will have many benefits. Look for a different job while you still have one. What do you do?
I don't consider NA a cult. A cult is something that takes your money, controls your life and kicks you out when they are done with you. If you keep working the program and working on one problem at a time, one day you will start to feel human again.
Let me say, as a mother, you have put a lot of poison in your body. It will take a long time to be 100%. Think how long you smoked. I am guessing that your buddy that is still smoking really isn't a buddy. He is just a hanger on. And he will try to trip you up.
By the way, I thought a gig was a job. Are you using it to say those band guys are smoking? Try Christian music. Some of it is really good.
Congrats on 15 lbs. That's no small feat. (/) (/) (/) that's me applauding. :-)
And did you get yourself a new car yet ? You were saving up, right ?
Stretch marks can be best described as the road map of your physical being. Embrace them.
Actually, if you think of your Mind-Body-Spirit as three separate circles that are constantly moving in and around eachother, you will see that there is no first, second or last. There's only you, evolving, accepting and loving yourself.
Ten, two letter words that work for me (when I remember them) since I quit September 10, 2005.
"If it is to be, it is up to me."
Oh and......
Patience, being gentle with myself, and healthy rewards works wonders. I can see between the sentences that you are TRYING. Good for you !!!!
The way I see it is giving up weed is like grieving the loss of my twin. My evil twin.
Good riddance to the stinking and magical thinking, I say.
****It's sad, but I still have support from those who love me.*******
Dude?! Why is that sad ? I think that is beautiful. Do you love them too?
********** Everybody in my group relapses so I haven't really gotten too close with them. ***************
Sounds like trust issues, hey don't we all have that ? Start with trusting yourself.
Jason, maybe you need a shake-up in your life....like a new group ? :-)
I hope you feel better after ranting and everytime you smile, a wonderful new wrinkle gets ready to celebrate on your face...and call me crazy(but the Doctor said I'm not), but I don't see anything wrong with that.
And did you get yourself a new car yet ? You were saving up, right ?
Stretch marks can be best described as the road map of your physical being. Embrace them.
Actually, if you think of your Mind-Body-Spirit as three separate circles that are constantly moving in and around eachother, you will see that there is no first, second or last. There's only you, evolving, accepting and loving yourself.
Ten, two letter words that work for me (when I remember them) since I quit September 10, 2005.
"If it is to be, it is up to me."
Oh and......
Patience, being gentle with myself, and healthy rewards works wonders. I can see between the sentences that you are TRYING. Good for you !!!!
The way I see it is giving up weed is like grieving the loss of my twin. My evil twin.
Good riddance to the stinking and magical thinking, I say.
****It's sad, but I still have support from those who love me.*******
Dude?! Why is that sad ? I think that is beautiful. Do you love them too?
********** Everybody in my group relapses so I haven't really gotten too close with them. ***************
Sounds like trust issues, hey don't we all have that ? Start with trusting yourself.
Jason, maybe you need a shake-up in your life....like a new group ? :-)
I hope you feel better after ranting and everytime you smile, a wonderful new wrinkle gets ready to celebrate on your face...and call me crazy(but the Doctor said I'm not), but I don't see anything wrong with that.
Amy and WW-
Who says pot effects the memory WW? % Yes, I'm still saving up my money, but a car really isn't an issue right now. I VERY impressed that you still remembered me even though I was quite the random poster a few months back. Of course I'm glad I have the postive people of my life supporting me. I just get depressed of all the toxicity that is still in my system. New groups, eh? I was there was Marijuana Anonymous in my area but it's just NA. I'm still socially from being such a recluse, but I think it's time to look for some new friends. BTW, are you from Calgary? My Buffalo Sabres were just recently in your neck of the woods. Of course we lost. I've heard nothing but great things about the area.
to Amy- Thank you for your kind words. It has taken a lot of work to get this far and I'd be lying if I didn't say I hit up a few NA meetings. 30.00$ a day for weed is a lot of money in my frugal opinion. At my peak, I was spending about 100$ a week on weed.
I came from affluent parents and we had the seeminingly perfect "House in the Hills". But through all my hospital bills, lawyer fees, and constant enabling, my folks sold the beautiful house and we downsized- big time. I was burnt out one day on my couch and my mom barreled through the room. "OUT!!! I REALLY want you out of this house, you have milked us dry". What did I do about this? nothing. It literally took me a trip to the hospital (can't really get too deep into details on such a public forum) for me to straighten out. Like your son, I went to in patient rehab for 30 days- the longest most emotionally intense time of my life. I didn't go to a meeting after two weeks following rehab and had a slip. Coucellors always say that the first use after clean time will be worse than it ever was before. It was. From there, I said just can't do this anymore, it's crazy- So here I'm months removed from that slip on Sept. 24.
My mom is a strong Christian and has been after me to get involved with the music program at church. The thing is- the band is really good. Now that I'm straight I look at the whole drumming thing as a hobby that took on a life, (an evil one at that) of its own.
Ah yes... my wonderful profession. I was a political science major at Ohio University and now I'm a warehouse assistant at a building materials distributor. I work with narrow minded mysogynists that really stunt my recovery. It is what you can say a dead end job. I still have goals to finish school (eventhough I'm 25) and I probably will go back this summer.
Whatever's clever... gonna go for a jog.
Who says pot effects the memory WW? % Yes, I'm still saving up my money, but a car really isn't an issue right now. I VERY impressed that you still remembered me even though I was quite the random poster a few months back. Of course I'm glad I have the postive people of my life supporting me. I just get depressed of all the toxicity that is still in my system. New groups, eh? I was there was Marijuana Anonymous in my area but it's just NA. I'm still socially from being such a recluse, but I think it's time to look for some new friends. BTW, are you from Calgary? My Buffalo Sabres were just recently in your neck of the woods. Of course we lost. I've heard nothing but great things about the area.
to Amy- Thank you for your kind words. It has taken a lot of work to get this far and I'd be lying if I didn't say I hit up a few NA meetings. 30.00$ a day for weed is a lot of money in my frugal opinion. At my peak, I was spending about 100$ a week on weed.
I came from affluent parents and we had the seeminingly perfect "House in the Hills". But through all my hospital bills, lawyer fees, and constant enabling, my folks sold the beautiful house and we downsized- big time. I was burnt out one day on my couch and my mom barreled through the room. "OUT!!! I REALLY want you out of this house, you have milked us dry". What did I do about this? nothing. It literally took me a trip to the hospital (can't really get too deep into details on such a public forum) for me to straighten out. Like your son, I went to in patient rehab for 30 days- the longest most emotionally intense time of my life. I didn't go to a meeting after two weeks following rehab and had a slip. Coucellors always say that the first use after clean time will be worse than it ever was before. It was. From there, I said just can't do this anymore, it's crazy- So here I'm months removed from that slip on Sept. 24.
My mom is a strong Christian and has been after me to get involved with the music program at church. The thing is- the band is really good. Now that I'm straight I look at the whole drumming thing as a hobby that took on a life, (an evil one at that) of its own.
Ah yes... my wonderful profession. I was a political science major at Ohio University and now I'm a warehouse assistant at a building materials distributor. I work with narrow minded mysogynists that really stunt my recovery. It is what you can say a dead end job. I still have goals to finish school (eventhough I'm 25) and I probably will go back this summer.
Whatever's clever... gonna go for a jog.
Perhaps a good book-science fiction or a mystery? Something to engage your mind and get the jusces flowing again. Your brain, use it or lose it! lol
