Today has been difficult...not in the sobriety since but in an emotional sense. My ex boyfriend who is still my best friend tried killing himself (he got fired from his job today). I got a call this evening from him and I instantly went to tough love. I told him he needed to get help, that he needed to figure out with a therapist why he feel entitled to miss work on a weekly basis, and then expect his job to be understanding, and he needed to stop expecting everyone to take care of him. I told him that I needed to take care of myself (23 days sober). As soon as I hung up I felt awful because the timing was wrong. I wish I would have waited for at least a few more days while he is getting treatment in a psych unit. I beat myself up for a bit and then I realized that I said the truth...sometimes the truth is hard to hear. Again, I only wish I had some prudence before sharing my thoughts with him.
I also recognize that I was pointing my fingers at him, blaming him, it was all about him. I so quickly forgot the several times I have tried killing myself and forgot how in those first few days of crisis, all I really wanted to hear was that I was loved and not alone.
He did call back late this evening to ask if he should still keep me down as the emergency contact. I told him absolutely, that I would be there for him, but he needed to understand that my main priority is and will remain for me to take care of myself and my sobriety.
Prayers for DM would be greatly appreciated. I am so grateful that he didn't succeed. So many suicides do and it is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Losing a job, losing a spouse, losing your life savings...none of these problems justify suicide, in my opinion.
So I am tired tonight and won't be posting on my diary, as I am just plain exhausted. I will write more tomorrow.
Through it all, I remained sober, and even owned up to my sister about my relapse and my recent sobriety. A weight was lifted off my spirit...I was honest to myself, to God, and another human being. Guess that is what the 4th step is all about...getting honest and moving forward.
Thanks for letting me share,
Gidday Zipper
My thoughts and prayers are with you and DM, but he will be getting all the help he is entitled to and it is now up to him to use the help he needs and open his eyes to past the attention that suicide brings and into his fears so that his future may change for the better
I have encountered suicide on all levels my own attempts and people i know personally...Make sure you clear any quilt that your mind may be trying to invent and then magnify because there is none on your behalf.
In recovery i have talked to people who have suicided and i even sat with a guy who said to the doctor that he would and the doctor said ok see ya later....he did to pronounce him dead, I blamed myself for ages because i was a witness to this and felt i done nothing to prevent it, truth is it would of happened no matter what. In recovery some people get sick and tired of being sick and tired and recover and some die and God is the only one who can be there 24/7 for someone and from my own insanity i know the feeling of defeat and the serenity of acceptance that being close to death brings and there are no second chances with a succesful suicide or for a lot of people an unsuccesfull attention seeking moment on there behalf, because when i was contemplating suicide a lot of the time it was to prove a point and not really suceed in dying...but like my drinking after awhile suicide crossed the line as well and it was about dying, the same as my drinking.
Sorry i have gone off the track a bit but that really helped thankyou for your post and my thoughts and energy are with you and DM
light and love zac
My thoughts and prayers are with you and DM, but he will be getting all the help he is entitled to and it is now up to him to use the help he needs and open his eyes to past the attention that suicide brings and into his fears so that his future may change for the better
I have encountered suicide on all levels my own attempts and people i know personally...Make sure you clear any quilt that your mind may be trying to invent and then magnify because there is none on your behalf.
In recovery i have talked to people who have suicided and i even sat with a guy who said to the doctor that he would and the doctor said ok see ya later....he did to pronounce him dead, I blamed myself for ages because i was a witness to this and felt i done nothing to prevent it, truth is it would of happened no matter what. In recovery some people get sick and tired of being sick and tired and recover and some die and God is the only one who can be there 24/7 for someone and from my own insanity i know the feeling of defeat and the serenity of acceptance that being close to death brings and there are no second chances with a succesful suicide or for a lot of people an unsuccesfull attention seeking moment on there behalf, because when i was contemplating suicide a lot of the time it was to prove a point and not really suceed in dying...but like my drinking after awhile suicide crossed the line as well and it was about dying, the same as my drinking.
Sorry i have gone off the track a bit but that really helped thankyou for your post and my thoughts and energy are with you and DM
light and love zac
Hi zipper,
I know nothing, and the ususal wisdom about take what you want applies.....
One of the things that has gradually been seeping into my awareness is the awful truth that I have no control over how other people react to my best-intentioned efforts....personally I know I struggle with finding and keeping that wonderful, light and graceful balance that seems to come with awareness and a willingness to follow where my HP leads......so I'm not always the shining spirit I want to be....but that lack of perfection is one of the weapons that I was slowly killing myself with......so I'm not sure my recovery and slowly dawning spiritual awareness is about finding an even tougher stndard to set myself and then beat yself up about failing lol
.....the wonderful gift of some kind of spiritual awakening is going beyond that for me.....I'm beginning to believe that WHATEVER happens is for a purpose.....even, perhaps ESPECIALLY, my failings.....and that's something I would never have imagined before, let alone accepted.....
I don't know -how could I - but I wonder if even when we're grouchy or pre-occupied or stressed or self-absorbed or jealous or angry or upset....that so long as we are NONE of those things deliberately, and are REALLY just a good human being doing our absolute best and not always getting it right,......then isn't that ALL possibly part of SOMEONE's wider plan? Might my mistakes and failings be part of some broader purpose? In my wounded ego's desperate attempts to feel ok and stave off self-loathing and self-destruction I couldn't afford to let myself be humble enough to see that I, we, might just be the instruments of a power greater than ourselves......and what a gift, what a privilege, what an absolute miracle that is.....
We are human. All we can do is our best at the time and in the circumstances, and our best at the time and in those circumstances is always enough in His eyes. What kind of parent would I be if I demanded my children do more than their best?
Just my thoughts...
I know nothing, and the ususal wisdom about take what you want applies.....
One of the things that has gradually been seeping into my awareness is the awful truth that I have no control over how other people react to my best-intentioned efforts....personally I know I struggle with finding and keeping that wonderful, light and graceful balance that seems to come with awareness and a willingness to follow where my HP leads......so I'm not always the shining spirit I want to be....but that lack of perfection is one of the weapons that I was slowly killing myself with......so I'm not sure my recovery and slowly dawning spiritual awareness is about finding an even tougher stndard to set myself and then beat yself up about failing lol
.....the wonderful gift of some kind of spiritual awakening is going beyond that for me.....I'm beginning to believe that WHATEVER happens is for a purpose.....even, perhaps ESPECIALLY, my failings.....and that's something I would never have imagined before, let alone accepted.....
I don't know -how could I - but I wonder if even when we're grouchy or pre-occupied or stressed or self-absorbed or jealous or angry or upset....that so long as we are NONE of those things deliberately, and are REALLY just a good human being doing our absolute best and not always getting it right,......then isn't that ALL possibly part of SOMEONE's wider plan? Might my mistakes and failings be part of some broader purpose? In my wounded ego's desperate attempts to feel ok and stave off self-loathing and self-destruction I couldn't afford to let myself be humble enough to see that I, we, might just be the instruments of a power greater than ourselves......and what a gift, what a privilege, what an absolute miracle that is.....
We are human. All we can do is our best at the time and in the circumstances, and our best at the time and in those circumstances is always enough in His eyes. What kind of parent would I be if I demanded my children do more than their best?
Just my thoughts...
Hi Zipper I am sorry to hear about your exboyfriend. I hope he finds the help he needs to recover. I think he knows you care and will not leave him to face things alone because if he didn't he would not have asked you if you still wanted to be a contact for him. Sucicide is more difficult I think for people to deal with than a natural death because they tend to blame themselves and wonder if there is something they could have said or done that would have changed the outcome.I believe there is nothing said or nothing done that will change a persons mind if they are to the point of wanting to die so bad that they will do it themselves. You have no control over another persons thoughts or actions if they are to that point. I really don't know what to say other than I will pray for you and for your friend. I hope from this attempt that he will take it as a wake up call and get the help he so truly deserves. God bless and be safe .
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. What a sad situation...I am trying to be a supportive friend but at the same time, taking care of myself and not letting myself get too involved.
I went over to his place to feed his guinea pigs...what a sight to see. I didn't expect to see so much blood, etc...I cleaned up the mess, threw away all his razors and knives and emptied the beer he had in the fridge. I did the later more as a safety measure for me since I will be taking care of his pigs while he is in inpatient...
What a blessing to finally be on the other side of the coin. I finally understand the pain, sorrow, and yes, anger my family and friends have felt during my three attempts. I always have resented how my parents and sister would pull the tough-love act when I would call again from the ER and psych unit. I finally have let go of these resentments. I now understand.
I heard from my friend today. The reality has set in and he is not in denial...he is already taking accountability as much as he can at the moment....
Anyway, thank you again for your love and prayers.
I went over to his place to feed his guinea pigs...what a sight to see. I didn't expect to see so much blood, etc...I cleaned up the mess, threw away all his razors and knives and emptied the beer he had in the fridge. I did the later more as a safety measure for me since I will be taking care of his pigs while he is in inpatient...
What a blessing to finally be on the other side of the coin. I finally understand the pain, sorrow, and yes, anger my family and friends have felt during my three attempts. I always have resented how my parents and sister would pull the tough-love act when I would call again from the ER and psych unit. I finally have let go of these resentments. I now understand.
I heard from my friend today. The reality has set in and he is not in denial...he is already taking accountability as much as he can at the moment....
Anyway, thank you again for your love and prayers.
