here are just the facts please give me an honest opinion i don't want to be accused of overeacting:
after reconciling, my husband secured a job and in two weeks his first full paycheck
he gave me some household money and proceeded with his day - in and out the house running errands i assumed.
we had made plans to get the car serviced and maybe dinner out
i was a little tired so i let him run about while i rested
after watching a tv program with my son til about 10:30pm i fell asleep and laid there til my husband returned. . .by this time it must have been the early morning hours
when he came in he asked me for half the money back he had previously given me. at that time of night i quickly and firmly refused.
i fell back to sleep i was so tired. when i awoke a little later headed to the bathroom i almost tripped over an object in the hallway. . .i discovered my open wallet. of couse he wasn't in yet. normally i would have panicked right then and there but not to disturb the others i waited patiently for his return.
he did eventually and after refusing sex i told him i would only awake to have a discussion with him at which he turned over (sniffing, runny nose) and left me alone.
the next morning i awoke early looking for the purse where the wallet should have been. it was not where i left it. . .when i eventually discovered it was in the back of my truck totally ransacked. by the way i don't keep money in my wallet or purse so he didn't find any money.
upon asking him why he was begging for money and sniffling when he had no cold he became beligerrant, angry, and nasty with me. . . needless to say i caught him in several lies as he refused to explain these events and even blamed my missing purse on one of my sons. . .
was i wrong to literally kick his a** out of my house. . .this time for good?
one more thing are addicts this careless with property and the lies that never add up to us reasonable folks? are they forgetful, lazy, sloppy and overall just plain useless to themselves and others? i mean he left my open wallet in the hallway for anyone to trip over? i am totally flabergasted
Not that you need a response for that - but we all like feed back - of course you did the right thing - what else could you have done?
I am sorry this is how it ended up once again and I will pray that all works out for you.
I am sorry this is how it ended up once again and I will pray that all works out for you.
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck . . .
You did the absolute right thing. You are not overreacting. Plain and simple. He's left you waaayyyy too much evidence there in his actions, symptoms and temperment!
I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Mickey
You did the absolute right thing. You are not overreacting. Plain and simple. He's left you waaayyyy too much evidence there in his actions, symptoms and temperment!
I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
Keep taking care of yourself,
Mickey
Kcee
I will give a male's opinion. Something was defintely not right about the behavior your husband demostrated. I would guess that he was using again. Addicts do not think rationally nor are they very good at covering things up when they are desperate to get their drug of choice. They are very good at hiding, lying and manipulating before they reach that point of desperation. One at that point, I think they do not really care if they hide it or not, just interested in getting what they crave.
You did the right thing to send him packing. You have yourself and a child to think of. What kind of behavior is your child learning from all of this chaos. Whatever it is, will be his reality of normal behavior. Thats where the most damage is done with our children. Adults like us know the behavior is crazy and even our behavior dealing with the addicts is crazy before we ourselves go into recovery. But our children only know the behavior that they see at home, so crazy is their norm. The cycle continues from generation to generation until someone is strong enough to stand up and stop it. That to me is the worst part of this disease. The impact is has on familes for years and years to come.
Take care or yourself and your child. Get in to some type of recovery yourself. All of us, the loved ones of addicts, have to recover from the experiences we have had dealing with the addicts in our life. Finding your own spirituality and serenity is the goal. Do not allow the addict/alcoholic to affect our behaviors. It is much easier said than done but the rewards of this work will benefit all aspects of our lives. So, good luck and remember God loves you and wants you to have a happy life. You also deserve it.
I will give a male's opinion. Something was defintely not right about the behavior your husband demostrated. I would guess that he was using again. Addicts do not think rationally nor are they very good at covering things up when they are desperate to get their drug of choice. They are very good at hiding, lying and manipulating before they reach that point of desperation. One at that point, I think they do not really care if they hide it or not, just interested in getting what they crave.
You did the right thing to send him packing. You have yourself and a child to think of. What kind of behavior is your child learning from all of this chaos. Whatever it is, will be his reality of normal behavior. Thats where the most damage is done with our children. Adults like us know the behavior is crazy and even our behavior dealing with the addicts is crazy before we ourselves go into recovery. But our children only know the behavior that they see at home, so crazy is their norm. The cycle continues from generation to generation until someone is strong enough to stand up and stop it. That to me is the worst part of this disease. The impact is has on familes for years and years to come.
Take care or yourself and your child. Get in to some type of recovery yourself. All of us, the loved ones of addicts, have to recover from the experiences we have had dealing with the addicts in our life. Finding your own spirituality and serenity is the goal. Do not allow the addict/alcoholic to affect our behaviors. It is much easier said than done but the rewards of this work will benefit all aspects of our lives. So, good luck and remember God loves you and wants you to have a happy life. You also deserve it.
hi kcee, you stated this time for good? yes unless he finds recovery and decides to get real you are in a no win situation. if i ever had found my purse ransacked and my wallet in the hall and heard runny nose in the wee hours,. i believe that is called a dope fiend move. my ex used to call at 2am and be wide awake asking me who i was with and what i was doing well when ya work at 6am usually sleeping, it got to the point where i just turned the phone off, rather than hear the rantings of a mad man. i am sorry you have to go thru this however i believe what you did was 100 percent correct, and letting him back in after he stole the money and invaded your purse will only cause extreme heartache for yourself and children and enable him to continue in his madness, you are not overeacting, you did the right thing. read the posts in the families section and you will see what you are up against.
take care
carol
take care
carol
I am an addict in recovery , to be blunt ..hell yes you did the right thing , by his actions and failure to even "attempt" to be discreet about ripping you off, he shows he is way out of line , and heavy into his addiction . In my opinion dangerously into it . You need to take full control of your life for the kids sake , it sounds like you are doing the right thing . I am sorry for your kids and you , be strong ...
AL
AL
Kcee,
I am glad you gave him the boot ( maybe you should have used 2 boots so that he could feel the pain). I know it must hurt, but with time, the hurting will decrease. I have learned not to keep anything in my purse. I don't like leaving a paper trail either (bank statements). Call your credit card Co. & banks & tell them you want paperless statement (you will receive them via e-mail). If you want to know the characteristics of a meth addict go to: methmadness.com & look under meth articles. It will explain to you exactly what this drug does to the user. Good luck & God Bless. with love, tsr
I am glad you gave him the boot ( maybe you should have used 2 boots so that he could feel the pain). I know it must hurt, but with time, the hurting will decrease. I have learned not to keep anything in my purse. I don't like leaving a paper trail either (bank statements). Call your credit card Co. & banks & tell them you want paperless statement (you will receive them via e-mail). If you want to know the characteristics of a meth addict go to: methmadness.com & look under meth articles. It will explain to you exactly what this drug does to the user. Good luck & God Bless. with love, tsr
kcee, you didn't do anything to him. he did it to himself.
and now he must live with the full and natural consequences of his bad behavior.
considering his condition and behavior, it's the best thing for him.
maybe it will bring him to recovery eventually -- and a better life.
a family cannot and should not live this way. a home is a place of peace and serenity, not a war zone.
i've been there.
may you have peace in your household.
yes, did the right thing, i only wish i were that strong. you are not over reacting. you know the signs, we all do.
maybe now you can have a peaceful, normal live.
christine
maybe now you can have a peaceful, normal live.
christine
Okay Knee - You posted before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are so many more days ahead of me and I have no children. To blame it on his own son? Can no one else point out the desperation in that? I am trying to learn understanding for the disease without comprimising myself. I think it is easier to give advice than to get it especially when you don't have kids. BUT please as a parent when you are blaming Your own children you must take that as a sign of your own problem and if you see this man again which you will and I dont know that you should trust your children with him right now... point out to him that he is blaming his own children for his own misdeeds and than go to the heroin post where i posted heart failure.!!! He needs to talk to his addiction doctor not only about detox but about what could happen to him personally if he doesnt either way you kicked him out twice within me thinking of doing it. Yeah - blame it on your child. Thats noble. Stay out all night and blame it on your baby. You know I went to this meeting and the man said that we are going through similar feelings of addiction minus the drug. My stress is so high in this house that i want to run away and give up my company ( I dont have kids which i love and want my company is childcare related) and run to an island and be alone on a beach. Can anyone relate? I am sick of hiding under blankets and sick of not living! And sick of blaming the addict.
You are so many more days ahead of me and I have no children. To blame it on his own son? Can no one else point out the desperation in that? I am trying to learn understanding for the disease without comprimising myself. I think it is easier to give advice than to get it especially when you don't have kids. BUT please as a parent when you are blaming Your own children you must take that as a sign of your own problem and if you see this man again which you will and I dont know that you should trust your children with him right now... point out to him that he is blaming his own children for his own misdeeds and than go to the heroin post where i posted heart failure.!!! He needs to talk to his addiction doctor not only about detox but about what could happen to him personally if he doesnt either way you kicked him out twice within me thinking of doing it. Yeah - blame it on your child. Thats noble. Stay out all night and blame it on your baby. You know I went to this meeting and the man said that we are going through similar feelings of addiction minus the drug. My stress is so high in this house that i want to run away and give up my company ( I dont have kids which i love and want my company is childcare related) and run to an island and be alone on a beach. Can anyone relate? I am sick of hiding under blankets and sick of not living! And sick of blaming the addict.
thinking of you kcee, it is so hard somtimes but somtimes the only thing that makes any difference is real space from the addict. Mine is away at a na meeting tnight and i get sad that somtimes i feel relief that he is away and not near me. i used to be worried about what he was doing but now i just dont care. It is really hard to focus more on ourselves and our issues and let the addict deal with the situation they are creating for themselves.
Take care
emile
Take care
emile
thank yu guys. . .i just cannot believe within my own experiences and mind that an addiction would lead you to such dishonesty and desperation. yesterday i called one of my lifelong friends who herself is in recovery from heroine addiction. even she said that my husband was in too deep with this one and in her words "GONE!" no question about it. i guess as enablers and as an individual who "believes" i have it all together it's hard to accept that his road to recovery and clean living could be accomplished without me, my love and support. i have to admit i feel a little superior and like i can actually "save" him that's how sick i have become not ever realizing it. he makes frequent comments to put me down and make me feel inadequate but i suspect this is another mechanism of the addict. i know better than to believe these things as he exlains it. yet in my own mind i am very confused, hurt, angry and now abandoned!
Hi Kcee:
Please do not feel that you are in any way to blame for your husband's addiction or non-recovery. He is his own responsibility and has to learn to deal with life and it's stresses without running to drugs. He may need more help than he thinks, but he may not realize this right now or even soon. He obviously hasn't hit his bottom yet.
I know what you mean about feeling superior. I don't know if that's the word because it seems so strong, but I used to also feel that I could save him if he would just listen to me and did everything I told him to. Like I'm that arrogant to think I know it all. It didn't take me long to realize that that wasn't the case and to humble myself. It doesn't matter how much you know or how much you care or how much you do and how much you love the person. It is all up to them if they continue to use or not and you can do absolutely nothing about it. Let go and let God because he is the only one powerful (or superior) enough to deal with another person and their behaviours. The only persons behaviours you can control are your own.
Your husband probably puts you down and insults you because he is so ashamed of himself. That's why most people who behave like that towards others are. They are usually feeling so low about themselves and very insecure about themselves that they have to put down others to bring them down to their level. Misery loves company. Do not get sucked into that. It sounds like you haven't, but it is so hard for it to not affect you when the person you love treats you like that on a consistent basis. Be careful there.
With respect to your kids, maybe you should take them to an Alanon meeting or Alateen. There is no way that they are not being affected by your husband's actions whether they say they understand what's going on or not. This would probably benefit yourself as well. And this would be a good preventable measure for your kids not to follow in their father's footsteps.
Is your husband out of the home now? If he is, this is the perfect time for you to focus on yourself and your kids and on healing from this crisis. Let your husband take care of himself at this time.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Take care of yourself and yours,
Mickey
Please do not feel that you are in any way to blame for your husband's addiction or non-recovery. He is his own responsibility and has to learn to deal with life and it's stresses without running to drugs. He may need more help than he thinks, but he may not realize this right now or even soon. He obviously hasn't hit his bottom yet.
I know what you mean about feeling superior. I don't know if that's the word because it seems so strong, but I used to also feel that I could save him if he would just listen to me and did everything I told him to. Like I'm that arrogant to think I know it all. It didn't take me long to realize that that wasn't the case and to humble myself. It doesn't matter how much you know or how much you care or how much you do and how much you love the person. It is all up to them if they continue to use or not and you can do absolutely nothing about it. Let go and let God because he is the only one powerful (or superior) enough to deal with another person and their behaviours. The only persons behaviours you can control are your own.
Your husband probably puts you down and insults you because he is so ashamed of himself. That's why most people who behave like that towards others are. They are usually feeling so low about themselves and very insecure about themselves that they have to put down others to bring them down to their level. Misery loves company. Do not get sucked into that. It sounds like you haven't, but it is so hard for it to not affect you when the person you love treats you like that on a consistent basis. Be careful there.
With respect to your kids, maybe you should take them to an Alanon meeting or Alateen. There is no way that they are not being affected by your husband's actions whether they say they understand what's going on or not. This would probably benefit yourself as well. And this would be a good preventable measure for your kids not to follow in their father's footsteps.
Is your husband out of the home now? If he is, this is the perfect time for you to focus on yourself and your kids and on healing from this crisis. Let your husband take care of himself at this time.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Take care of yourself and yours,
Mickey
