to anyone,
I have a question. i read in a post awhile and i heard it several years ago that your sponser needs to be the same sex as you. why? i know that might seem like a dumb question but i dont know. i am just starting to go to meetings only going to one or two a week but i dont want to be embarassed.
If it is a thing about getting intimiate, well i am a 50 year old woman that has no intention and will never have any. [if you know what i mean] so i was just wondering.
Hope all is going ok for you guys and gals.
janice.
Janice, the same sex rule is in place to reduce the risk of 13th stepping, that is when the sponsor carries a sexual message to the newcomer. Newcomers can be very vulnerable and it is best to avoid the temptation.
I also suspect that there are gender specific ways of approaching issues that come into play. It has been my experience on this board that women relate to one another in a different fashion than do men to one another. Thre is a greater chance of miscommunication when one crosses the gender line.
Also, the fourth and fifth steps delve deeply into a person's sexual history and I certainly would not feel comfortable talking about some of my more embarrasing exploits to a woman.
The only exception I have ever seen to the same sex rule is where gays are concerned. They will often seek an opposite sex sponsor to carry out the intent of the foregoing concerns.
Hope this helps.
August
I also suspect that there are gender specific ways of approaching issues that come into play. It has been my experience on this board that women relate to one another in a different fashion than do men to one another. Thre is a greater chance of miscommunication when one crosses the gender line.
Also, the fourth and fifth steps delve deeply into a person's sexual history and I certainly would not feel comfortable talking about some of my more embarrasing exploits to a woman.
The only exception I have ever seen to the same sex rule is where gays are concerned. They will often seek an opposite sex sponsor to carry out the intent of the foregoing concerns.
Hope this helps.
August
Hi Janice,
Well, if I was wrong, and it's been my track record at times to be, I apologize.
This is exactly the situation I've been working hard to avoid. I was doing pretty good until I as usuall jumped to a conclusion in haste. Pardon my parinoia. lol
No need for me to answer your question since August already did.
No, I'm no counselor, I think I need one though! lol I'm just a grateful recovering
alcoholic and addict clean and sober only by God's grace, the fellowship of A.A.
and the people in it.
Take care..................................God bless.........................................Bob
Well, if I was wrong, and it's been my track record at times to be, I apologize.
This is exactly the situation I've been working hard to avoid. I was doing pretty good until I as usuall jumped to a conclusion in haste. Pardon my parinoia. lol
No need for me to answer your question since August already did.
No, I'm no counselor, I think I need one though! lol I'm just a grateful recovering
alcoholic and addict clean and sober only by God's grace, the fellowship of A.A.
and the people in it.
Take care..................................God bless.........................................Bob
I am glad that August cleared that up about the sponsors and people who are Gay. That was a problem I had at first when choosing a sponsor.......Since I am Gay it was a tough decision to make as far as who I felt more comfortable with....As it turned out my sponsor is a Lesbian and the 13th step would never apply here :)
Great question Janice! and Thank you August for clearing that up........
God Bless, Russell
Great question Janice! and Thank you August for clearing that up........
God Bless, Russell
Rus, we have a gay clubhouse in our city, and I think they are the ones who pioneered the rule, at least locally.
Having said that, I once sponsored a gay male on the advice of his therapist. One of his issues had to do with feeling terminally unique due to being gay, and I think the idea was for him to see that the same issues apply to heteros and gays alike. He was a great sponsee --he was honest and really worked hard at the steps.
August
Having said that, I once sponsored a gay male on the advice of his therapist. One of his issues had to do with feeling terminally unique due to being gay, and I think the idea was for him to see that the same issues apply to heteros and gays alike. He was a great sponsee --he was honest and really worked hard at the steps.
August
Janice,
An AA meeting that I attended recently had a speaker who talked about having a sponsor of the opposite sex. She knew better but thought she was far enough along in her recovery to handle it and meant for it to only be a temporary situation anyway and he was a friend that she had know for awhile. She continued to explain that it was one of the worst mistakes she had make in her recovery and almost caused her to relapse. Apparently recovery took a back burner to what she thought was love. Not only did she loose a friend but almost relapsed from this situation.
I know for myself I prefer another woman for my sponsor. I would be uncomfortable discussing my life with a man in such great detail, because the steps are very detailed and require allot of thought and commitment. Also my husband wouldn't like me spending so much time with another man, lol, he's jealous enough.
Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line for support. Good luck in your recovery.
God bless,
An AA meeting that I attended recently had a speaker who talked about having a sponsor of the opposite sex. She knew better but thought she was far enough along in her recovery to handle it and meant for it to only be a temporary situation anyway and he was a friend that she had know for awhile. She continued to explain that it was one of the worst mistakes she had make in her recovery and almost caused her to relapse. Apparently recovery took a back burner to what she thought was love. Not only did she loose a friend but almost relapsed from this situation.
I know for myself I prefer another woman for my sponsor. I would be uncomfortable discussing my life with a man in such great detail, because the steps are very detailed and require allot of thought and commitment. Also my husband wouldn't like me spending so much time with another man, lol, he's jealous enough.
Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line for support. Good luck in your recovery.
God bless,
Hi,
There are alot of gay only meetings here in philly too. I'd be happy to e-mail the meeting directory to you Russ if your intrested. Just thought I'd offer.
Take care..............................God bless.........................................Bob
There are alot of gay only meetings here in philly too. I'd be happy to e-mail the meeting directory to you Russ if your intrested. Just thought I'd offer.
Take care..............................God bless.........................................Bob
PS.........so glad you came back and shared your story Janice. Seems a couple of people made assumtions, and you know what a** uming gets you.
Goodnite and God bless,
Goodnite and God bless,
Sharon,
Just can't let it go huh. It's over, I apologized, is it necessary to keep it up?
Take care..................................God bless......................................Bob
Just can't let it go huh. It's over, I apologized, is it necessary to keep it up?
Take care..................................God bless......................................Bob
Sharon:
Are you assuming, that their assuming, that you are Janice50? Or Rus? Anyway, there is great story in the back of the Big Book called, A Freedom From the Bondage of Self (or something close to that, I don't have it in front of me). It talks about resentments and goes into detail on how to let them go. Hope this helps.
Jane
Are you assuming, that their assuming, that you are Janice50? Or Rus? Anyway, there is great story in the back of the Big Book called, A Freedom From the Bondage of Self (or something close to that, I don't have it in front of me). It talks about resentments and goes into detail on how to let them go. Hope this helps.
Jane
Okay, I am confused. Are we posting as someone else and then replying to ourselves??? I am lost, as I don't even know what happened in the big fight, or who is mad at who, although I was trying to me nosy and find out.
I could have a lot of fun with that one. I could be my best supporter, or my best critic. I could constantly take my own inventory in someone else's post. LOL>>> Since I am trying to work the 2nd step, for me that would be teasing insanity to come and play in my sandbox, and I AM TRYING TO KEEP THAT ONE AWAY....LOL.
Oh, and August, you could tell me your sexual exploits..I have time..lol. Just kidding...
I have 88 days today, and am getting my smartass humor back...
And if no one replies, then I will just reply to myself...lol...I can have the name smartass...lol..
I could have a lot of fun with that one. I could be my best supporter, or my best critic. I could constantly take my own inventory in someone else's post. LOL>>> Since I am trying to work the 2nd step, for me that would be teasing insanity to come and play in my sandbox, and I AM TRYING TO KEEP THAT ONE AWAY....LOL.
Oh, and August, you could tell me your sexual exploits..I have time..lol. Just kidding...
I have 88 days today, and am getting my smartass humor back...
And if no one replies, then I will just reply to myself...lol...I can have the name smartass...lol..
Oh, and back to the question. I think that for me, I had to get a woman sponsor. I think that men can manipulate women, and women can manipulate men...and I think that throws the honesty thing out the window. We tend to be kinder on the opposite sex sometimes.
I picked this nice, kind english lady (anybody taking my inventory here, there's no need, I know I need a tough one).
But I do have a male friend that has 22 years, and I use him alot to talk to as well. He is actually the one who saved my a**...he never judged me no matter how many times I went out, and he treated me just as kind each time I walked my ashamed self back in there. I do think that he would jump in my pants if he could, but when he gets silly, I just tell him to back off.
kerry
I picked this nice, kind english lady (anybody taking my inventory here, there's no need, I know I need a tough one).
But I do have a male friend that has 22 years, and I use him alot to talk to as well. He is actually the one who saved my a**...he never judged me no matter how many times I went out, and he treated me just as kind each time I walked my ashamed self back in there. I do think that he would jump in my pants if he could, but when he gets silly, I just tell him to back off.
kerry
Great question. I have sponsored both straight and gay men, the latter not on purpose (i.e., it came to light after the sponsorship relationship began, once during a 5th Step). I say not on purpose because I think I would have agreed to be only a temporary sponsor for the two men, until they could find a woman sponsor. That said, I don't think either sponsorship relationship was a mistake....I know I gained a lot.
Bob, you're a bigger man than I am. lol I'm not sure I buy it, but who cares really..... There are no big deals, as they say, and we're all here to get help I hope. M.
Bob, you're a bigger man than I am. lol I'm not sure I buy it, but who cares really..... There are no big deals, as they say, and we're all here to get help I hope. M.
Ok Littlebeach, you asked for it. Ya got 15 seconds? :-)
August:
You made me laugh out loud on that one. Thanks for that. It was one of the first posts i read this morning so thanks for that. You have a funny wit.
Littlebeach:
That is funny also. I think I will start posting to myself also. Then, I'm sure I'll get the answers I want and my expectations will always be filled. Too funny. You made me laugh also, thanks for that. You guys are great.
Rachel
You made me laugh out loud on that one. Thanks for that. It was one of the first posts i read this morning so thanks for that. You have a funny wit.
Littlebeach:
That is funny also. I think I will start posting to myself also. Then, I'm sure I'll get the answers I want and my expectations will always be filled. Too funny. You made me laugh also, thanks for that. You guys are great.
Rachel
Hi guys, hey I had an idea, since the moderators can know who's who and all that, couldn't they make a rule that people could only post under one name? And then enforce it? It would end all the silly who's who stuff and let people just be real. Wouldn't it be nice if that could stop once and for all? Maybe everyone could agree on that and come together and ask for it. What do you say? I know everybody here does the same thing, they sit and say "I bet that is so and so". In the end, all that drama just distracts from the real purpose and keeps people from being friends as they should and holding onto grudges that they shouldn't. Probably half or more of the time it isn't even what anyone thinks. It could be an attempt at an olive branch so to speak, and at least from then on, if anyone had anything to say that would have to do so as themselves. It also would prevent misunderstandings and new people from being confused. There is no sarcasm here, only an idea that I thought was worth considering. Take care, Kat
Hi Kat:
How are you doing? Great idea. Or maybe we could all just agree to post under our own names and trust each other. Just a thought.
Rach
How are you doing? Great idea. Or maybe we could all just agree to post under our own names and trust each other. Just a thought.
Rach
Hi Rachel, works for me! Wouldn't it be nice? Doesn't all this get old to you too? It makes me not want to post or be afraid to because somebody might think something. Isn't that dumb? Wouldn't it just be great to go forward and give everybody the benefit of the doubt from now on? Somehow I just knew you would respond, it's the honesty in you that I always see. Maybe all of us could come on and give our word and just start trusting. Good idea, Rachel. Hope you're doing great!! Did you have your halloween yet or are you doing it tonight? I had a blast with my kids last night. First clean one in a few years. It felt so good. I wish that for everyone who's here and who visits and who will ever come here, to feel the wonder of an occassion without drugs to cloud our memories. Much love, Kat
You make a great point. I think it's time to move on and leave whatever happened (and I truly do not know) behind us all. Move forward. I get caught up in speculating and I don't even care. I just get so many rewards from this board and I appreciate the people who open themselves up and are so honest. Thanks for the post.
RAch
RAch
Hi,
I don't think it's that easy for the moderators to stop it, it would be nice but impossible. I think for me, I'll just try harder to stay away from the posts that don't really have anything to do with recovery. Even if someone tries to instigate
me or someone I care about or even just a new comer that is still on the fence.
There are people with more than one or even two computers, or people that go to a library, or work, etc.. it' would be impossibe to keep track of everyone.
Those of us with a little time shouldn't be getting involved with such nonsence,
including myself, even if we think we're right in doing so. We should be trying to set some kind of example how being in recovery changes what we see as a
priority. Even the things I've said and done in past posts etc.. I've said sorry for,
I don't expect to be forgiven, thats ok with me, I only know I did right by making my amends, now it's behind me and time to move foward. What someone else may still feel towards me since my apology now becomes there sh-t. And I can't
do anything about that except pray for them. Anyway, just my 2 cents...
Take care.................................God bless..........................................Bob
I don't think it's that easy for the moderators to stop it, it would be nice but impossible. I think for me, I'll just try harder to stay away from the posts that don't really have anything to do with recovery. Even if someone tries to instigate
me or someone I care about or even just a new comer that is still on the fence.
There are people with more than one or even two computers, or people that go to a library, or work, etc.. it' would be impossibe to keep track of everyone.
Those of us with a little time shouldn't be getting involved with such nonsence,
including myself, even if we think we're right in doing so. We should be trying to set some kind of example how being in recovery changes what we see as a
priority. Even the things I've said and done in past posts etc.. I've said sorry for,
I don't expect to be forgiven, thats ok with me, I only know I did right by making my amends, now it's behind me and time to move foward. What someone else may still feel towards me since my apology now becomes there sh-t. And I can't
do anything about that except pray for them. Anyway, just my 2 cents...
Take care.................................God bless..........................................Bob
