Hello to anyone that happens to peruse this thread :) I guess I am posting here because I am at a loss as to what I should do next.
Let me begin by telling you that this past Saturday I told my 18 year old son he had to leave the house. It was the saddest day of my entire life. I had been thru addiction crises with both of my brothers in the past...including visits to mental hospitals and jail but NOTHING prepared me for this.
I have two sons...14 and 18 and the three of us have co-existed rather peacefully until about 6 months ago. I have always encouraged and permitted my sons to bring their friends to our home with the notion that IF they were home...I would know what went on. WRONG!
During the last 6 months, I have come home to kids getting high on my deck in the middle of the afternoon while my next door neighbors had a family barbecue! One eve, I heard noises in my garage (about 1am in the morn actually) and I went downstairs to find kids drinking in my garage. I have been awakened by kids clanging pots and pans in my kitchen in the middle of the nite after kids got the munchies. And you get the picture I am sure.
In response to all this, I spoke to my son and his friends and told them that they are welcome in my home...but NOT their drugs and alcohol. Everything calmed down or so I thought until about a month ago. I was having a yard sale and asked my son to please donate some games from his closet. I gave him 2 weeks to do this and finally I went into his closet and to my SURPRISE I found empty vodka bottles, amaretto and beer bottles. I alo noticed there was a locked chest and when I looked for the key, I found his stash (pipe, pot, lighter, eyedrops, gum and bong).
Up until this time my son denied that he smoked and of course he was ANGRY because he said I was snooping. He also said that some of that stuff had been there for 8 months...so that tells you how often I 'snoop'.
Two weeks ago he stayed out for 24 hours and I called his phone and left numerous messages. He came strolling in when he thought I would be in Church. Anyhow, I never yelled. I talked to him about my concern and he admitted a few things to me including driving while high and also that kids ROUTINELY get high and drunk in my home when I am asleep at nite or at my job.
Knowing all this I told him about the legal implications of all this besides everything else. I told him that I do not want to lose my home or worse someone lose their life. I called the local Mental Health Association and my son and I went to an intake and then had a professional mediation. Despite all this, my son stayed out again and when he came home, I removed the tags from his car which is registered in my name. I took the keys and he threatened to beat me and I told him he had to leave. He walked out the door with his suitcase and his bong in his hand.
I told him that one of the conditions of his returning is to have counseling and he REFUSES. He recently lost his job because of his attitude and he told me that if I threw him out, he would be forced to sell drugs.
I have told my son that there are HIS choices...not mine. I told him that he did what he wanted and now I am doing what I HAVE TO DO!
Am I on the right track here and is there something else I should be doing other than going to a support group myself? Thanking you in advance...
~L~
Thanks for posting your story, L. Frankly, it is one of the more balanced approaches I have ever witnessed. Until your son learns to connect consequences with his own bad behavior, he will probably remain in denial.
Your concerns about sanctioned alcohol and drug use in your home are valid. In my home state of Georgia I have seen criminal and civil legal matters arise as the result of this kind of behavior. One in particular comes to mind where the state attempted to impose criminal culpability in connection with a death resulting from a drunken driver leaving a high schooler's party.
I have no doubt that you are deeply troubled about your actions regarding your son, and frankly, much of it reminds me of my own exit from home when I was 17, right down to the empties and my stash box. When I left home, I actually began to assume some responsibility for my life and luckily I managed to remain in college. Unfortunately, I remained steeped in my addiction for many years afterward, though I did eventually come to my senses.
Please let us know how things go. I know you did not ask for a recommendation for a support group but I am going to offer it anyway. I believe you would probably enjoy being with parents with similar issues so that you do not feel so alone. You will also be less likely to second-guess your decisions if you have input from others in similar situations. Al anon is an excellent resource, and it may equip you one day to deal with a son who decides to clean up his act and get sober
Good luck.
August
Your concerns about sanctioned alcohol and drug use in your home are valid. In my home state of Georgia I have seen criminal and civil legal matters arise as the result of this kind of behavior. One in particular comes to mind where the state attempted to impose criminal culpability in connection with a death resulting from a drunken driver leaving a high schooler's party.
I have no doubt that you are deeply troubled about your actions regarding your son, and frankly, much of it reminds me of my own exit from home when I was 17, right down to the empties and my stash box. When I left home, I actually began to assume some responsibility for my life and luckily I managed to remain in college. Unfortunately, I remained steeped in my addiction for many years afterward, though I did eventually come to my senses.
Please let us know how things go. I know you did not ask for a recommendation for a support group but I am going to offer it anyway. I believe you would probably enjoy being with parents with similar issues so that you do not feel so alone. You will also be less likely to second-guess your decisions if you have input from others in similar situations. Al anon is an excellent resource, and it may equip you one day to deal with a son who decides to clean up his act and get sober
Good luck.
August
Thank you August for your reply and recommendation :) I just called my son a lil bit ago and asked him if he would like to still attend college in January and he said yes. He also wants his car returned but I will not budge on that one until he has enough money to have it registered in his own name and can pay his own insurance. I told him to call Motor Vehicles as to the registration fees.
I also invited him to celebrate Thanksgiving with us and he declined. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open but at the same time not make it 'easy'...if that makes sense. Thank you again...Truly!
~L~
I also invited him to celebrate Thanksgiving with us and he declined. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open but at the same time not make it 'easy'...if that makes sense. Thank you again...Truly!
~L~
L, I have a niece with addiction issues who is college age. She may be significantly further down the addiction road than your son. Her parents offerred to help her with college but they did demand accountability by her maintaining a minimum grade point average.
My parents helped me with college as well. No minimum GPA was stipulated but somehow when I left home my grades improved quite a bit: being forced to balance work and school was a good thing for me.
I wish you all the best.
August
My parents helped me with college as well. No minimum GPA was stipulated but somehow when I left home my grades improved quite a bit: being forced to balance work and school was a good thing for me.
I wish you all the best.
August