Having A Bad Day

Hi everyone....here I am again. Well in my last post I was feeling really good and getting a lot out of my Nar-aron meetings and putting the tools to good use. For some reason today...I am not feeling so well. I wonder if its in my mind from the bad memories or is it those gut feelings I used to get and was right every time. My fiancee is now 70 days clean today from pain pills and drinking. I have seen the changes and things have been wonderful. (you know what I mean)....but it seems lately he seems a little more depressed and down. He told me last week he was having a inner struggle thinking he could do some kind of drug or drink just every once in awhile. Well of course I was supportive and happy he was telling me this but then it also scared the hell out of me. So he talked to his drug counselor this week about it and he said this is normal the beginning. He went to his NA meeting last week and got his 60 day keychain. The way he was acting last week was almost like maybe he slipped up and felt guilty but he told me he didn't do anything he was just having thoughts. I feel like he would be to scared to tell me he slipped up. I just feel like he thinks he can't come to me with that. I get scared that it is going to happen again. I have some questions if anyone can help. If you are in recovery....and doing well...and slipped up....would you really take a 60 keychain in front of everyone and people clap for you? Wouldn't you feel terrible??? Would he of just taken it to show me? I know these questions don't mean jack and I am resorting back to my insanity of in the past. (sometimes I miss it!...lol ) I think I am so afraid of him thinking "boy I have her fooled" she has no idea that I am still using". Like I said...I don't see any signs like I did before. Do you get smarter? Do you lie better? I am so afraid of the whole being a fool thing again. He just seems depressed and lost....and I am hoping this is normal. Don't get me wrong...we do have great days...but when I see his mood change...of course I start thinking....OMG...its the drugs again. I know he is human and is going to be moody just like anyone else...but my first thought is drugs. I hate it. I don't say anything to him....but I know he knows what I am thinking. Can anyone give me anything here? I know I sound crazy today...but I swear I have been doing great with all of this...I surprised myself. I also have pms. lol. I know....tmi. Well if anyone has anything that might be helpful...I would appreciate it. Thanks........Jennifer
Hi Jennifer - The only thing I can say is that time will tell.

Some people might take the keytag knowing that they used. I would think it's usually out of shame to tell the truth, or to please another person.

Just keep a close eye on him and the truth will be revealed. Good luck and keep going to your meetings. It's nice to see someone sticking by their sick loved one. That is as long as he is trying.
Jennifer,
I have to say yes there are many who go to meetings and get a keytag that isn't really deserved because of a relapse.

However, many have kept going to meetings, got a sponsor, started working the steps and got brutally honest and came clean with admitting they relapsed.

It is great he has a drug counselor he can talk to about what he is feeling and thinking. What he is going through is normal as long as he doesn't react with his thoughts in a negative way.

Being depressed after getting off drugs happens to most/ if not all of us.

Watch if he starts slacking off on meetings and making excuses not to go. This is a warning sign.

Keep up taking care of youirself and pray for him that he finds the help and continues his recovery. I will pray for both of you.

My husband was in recovery and relapsed and I had to continue to take care of me first. It was so hard to not tell him "Don't you think you need a meeting?"
My sponsor had me put a rubberband around my wrist and everytime I would talk about what my husband was doing, she had me snap that rubberband and say to myself "what am I doing today for me and my recovery."

He finally went back to meetings and now is clean again.

The first thing he did was stop his meetings and stopped talking to his sponsor.

I feel for you. Having an addict for a partner is a hard thing. There are a lot of days where all I could think of was all the questions you asked.

Like the poster above stated. Time will tell. There will be signs. Give it to your higher power and trust that he is telling youi the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Best of luck to both of you.

Dawn
Thanks Dawn......I love the rubberband thing! That is what I need.. I catch myself wanting to say things and I stop myself. I know I can't make him recover and he has to want to do this. I hate saying it....but I do think he is telling the truth....but you hate saying it cuz your afraid you will find out something and that whole fool thing happens again. Question? Can you do pills part-time? He was snorting pain pills for about 8 months and hiding it from me and then I got the evidence I needed 4 days before our wedding. I canceled our wedding and moved me and kids out back to my parents. I didn't understand addiction and I just thought he didn't love me and was a big liar. He said he did pills mostly at work (he is a coalminer)...but of course he started doing it on his days off and just other times. Can you do pills and just do it at work? Or would it catch up to you again? It is hard to see him go off to work knowing that is when he did it the most and of course I wonder if he is still doing them there. I don't see any signs of him doing it here at home. He takes no money and he is not moody like he used to be...he is just a little down or depressed now. He has done everything in his power to make me feel better here at home. I know I need that rubberband now! lol.
According to NA Basic Text:
Who's an addict?
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW!!
Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another-the getting and using and finding ways and means to get MORE. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: Jails, institutions and death.
I hope this helps.
There are some who can just have a few and leave it alone. Hell, I was like that in the beginning. But like the statement above says, this is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same. Jails, institutions and death.

First off snorting pain pills isn't something that a "normal" person thinks about doing. Is he doctor shopping for pain pills, buying them off the streets, falsifying symptoms to get narcotics? A lot of the actions we take to get the drugs are illegal and can lead to jail.

In the end for me, one was too many and a thousand was never enough. I couldn't stop. My whole life became consumed in the getting, findind ways and means to get more. I sold everything that was precious to me. All my paychecks went to drugs. I pawned it all for deugs. Stopped paying bills, became a compulsive liar. The list goes on and on.

I wouldn't suggest anyone to even pick up that first one to find out if they could just put it down after a few.

Your significant other is the only one who can admit if he is an addict.

Maybe recommend this site to him and suggest he read some of the posts.

He also can get some feedback on some of those not so good days. We all have been there and we get through it with the help of others.

Now go get that rubberband and take care of you.

I am not saying to abandon your partner. Be there to support and listen. Give him a hug and tell him how much you love him but the only thing you can do is pray it gets better. Don't go any further than that. Meaing don't get wrapped up in his recovery. He has to do this for himself as well as for you if you guys are going to continue together.

Still praying for you both.

Dawn
The lies, and lies and more lies
Oh it is never the ones told to us, but the ones we tell ourselves

And I laughed with the do they get smarter, surely they do and how we react to them helps them in that part of the learning quite well

I dont know at this point if I would be so concerned with what he is doing, but maybe put more energy into finding out why you have backslid, especially in them naranon meetings that would have you tagged as lapsing/relapsing.
Which tends to go back to this need codies have of fixing what they see as hurt with someone they lovealso has some element of control in it.

The behaviors always show what the truth is
And really you are asking all the wrong questions, although I know how hard it is not to ask them. But as I have found all these years later is that each story is so similar and yet so totally different and I still havent found any concrete answer to any question I asked in terms of my husband or anyone else for that matter in hopes to understand what this insanity was I was seeing
When I started asking them in terms of myself, now see then it was all so different.

Take care of you
Love,
Tina
Jennifer,
I was just thinking of suggesting to you the Families and Friends board on this site. They have been/are where you are.

But don't get too upset if they tell you also to take care of YOU!

Well....he is fading away. I asked him tonight if he was going to his meeting tomorrow and he told me we will have to see....he wants to see how he feels after work. I didn't say a word.

Later he asked me if I was upset with him for saying he didn't know if he was going and I said.....do what you have to do. He said...." I will". Maybe I just want to relax after work. I said nothing again.

It bothers me cuz I have 3 children that are not his....I have no job and he makes all the money...(he is a coal miner). I am looking for a job though.

When I left him 4 days before our wedding he told me that was is rock bottom. It made him realize he wanted help. We were seperated for a little over a month and now we are back in the house (he begged me and I saw him getting help and was seeing the changes)....so we have been back here for almost a month and half and I am starting to see what I used to see. My gut is talking to me again. I am better now with going to my meetings and I am not going to let him drag me down again. I refuse. He is so not taking this recovery serious and I can't say a word. I showed him this board and he wants no part of it. I don't know why I am writing tonight....I am actually ok. I feel like I know what is about to happen....my gut has not steered me wrong yet. Dawn if you read this......he was buying pills off the streets.....but he has not spent any of our money since back in the house....but I wonder if he did get a prescription behind my back. Or getting stuff from the guys at work. They all take pain pills. Who knows and who cares......I am sick of wasting my thoughts on this...I am having a cup of tea and going to bed.....Night all!
Oh Jennifer,
I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have two kids from a previous marriage and they were really attached to my husband when I had to think about the possibility of leaving or having him leave.

I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and making meetings.

When my husband relapsed, I made sure that I got an allowance that I put on the side as a "just in case".

What feedback are you getting from the meetings? Do they think you should sit down with your partner and share your fears with him? I always thought that was a waste of time with my husband because he always told me what I wanted to hear and not the truth. What did help was journaling on a daily basis. So many feelings came out, so many tears.

Email me anytime Jennifer: ant5tns@msn.com

Good luck and hang in there.
Dawn