My fiance and I just got engaged a month ago. Ive been addicted to pain pills for about a year and decided to-after many failed attempts of quitting on my own-quit. I checked myself into an outpatient clinic and was scared but exstatic about finally recovering. I confided in my fiance what i had been using and that i decided to get help. He broke up with me and i moved out this weekend. Im beside myself and dont know what to do or think. Im so hurt. How do I recover when the love of my life left me for being an addict and chose to get help? Please-any feedback would help me deal with this.
Good Morning - I'm happy that you are doing the right thing for yourself. I'm very sorry that you are not getting the support that you deserve. When you get married it's in sickness and health. If he decided to bail that doesn't say too much for him. I know that you are hurting and it takes time for our realizations to kick in. I'm on the outside looking in. Please don't consider taking pills for the hurt. Time will tell whether you two are meant to be together. I know this must be doubly painful for you but you are worth it! I am starting outpatient therapy for the first time Wednesday after almost 20 years of going on and off the pain pills. Please hang in there. You are worth it!
Thank you for your kind words. He went to therapy with me today and i think he surprised hisself at how much of a jackass he sounded for what he did, but he wont budge. Youre right-only time will tell. Im going into a medical detox for the next three days and he has offered to not only take me but to visit me as well. Im sure its out of guilt for leaving me, but I dont know what to think anymore. If we were meant to be, it will happen. I know I broke his trust for me but damn. When you love someone, you are there for them no matter what, its unconditional. I still want to recover though, without a doubt. Its for me and no one else, regardless of him leaving me. I will stay strong and continue on my path to recovery and regaining my life back--with or without him.
I'm sorry about your relationship, but glad for you that you are seaking help for your addiction. My hiusband left me right after I got out of rehab a few years ago. We were together for 6 years. It hurt so bad for a long time, but after many months I realised it was for the best. If he is going to drop u like a hot potato it may be best for it to end before you get married. I am sure that is the last thing you want to hear but this isn't for everyone. Meaning, addiction is a lot toi deal with for any partner. I wish you the best with both situations. Get better for you! And good things will follow!
Even thought it really sucks that your fiance left you, it's much better then waiting until after you're already married and you have to go through a divorce. Plus, you need to give him some time to wrap his mind around all this. He deserves that. He may end up coming back but you have to respect his feelings. You should take this time to work on your recovery. If you can make it through this, just think how much stronger you'll be in the end. Best wishes.
It's about you now..not you and him. Not him. Get clean and sober, work on your recovery and if in a year, you're still clean, then think about a relationship. I know it's hard but you'll thank yourself in the long run.
My husband and I had been together for ten years and had a year old baby when I voluntarily sought outpatient treatment for Oxycontin. The Oxycontin was prescribed for genuine pain but in the last six months I was self-medicating for emotional reasons as well and became horribly physically addicted. He didn't even know I had a problem as I hid it well and he was gone constantly on business and we were drifting apart, a situation I was determined to fix and one reason I set up my whole detox plan on my own. This distance in my marriage was one of the reasons I was self-medicating so I saw the pattern of a downward spiral and do whatever I could on my end to save our marriage, as well obviously as turning my life around for my son - who, I need to say, never suffered in any way as I was totally functional until the last 10 days when the physical addiction really caught up with me and I went into withdrawal every two hours - ten days of that and I was in rehab.
I always kept up playdates, Gymboree, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, bathing and feeding him....no one, not my closest "mom" friends, my own mother, and, as I said, my husband, had any idea of the extent of my addiction - I was prescribed a ridiculous amount - 12 40 mg. oxys a day plus ten percocet a day for "breakthru" pain (which I actually had). I asked the doctor for this much and he gave it to me, i don't blame him, I fully asked for that amount.
I also never used while my son was awake though he was a year old, and often tried not to use if my husband was away so my son wasn't exclusively in my care. Anyway you cut it, I'll never forgive myself for using with a baby in the house at all, it's not forgiveable, but I did take as many measures as I could given I was an addict.
the day I started outpatient treatment was June 2, 2003 - the last time I ever took oxycontin (I now use a non-abuseable fentanyl patch for the pain, which is from endometriosis and has been an issue since I was 18...I'm 37 now. My husband took me to the addiction doctor in NYC. I got Suboxone shots - needed two just to curb horrendous withdrawal I was in - and the addiction doctor sent my ex out to fill an Rx for the Suboxone pills, as well as the other detox meds like a sleeping pill and blood pressure pills.
While he was out the doctor, whom I'd only met minutes before, told me that my marriage would be over within six months of my starting recovery. He said he could tell my husband was completely not commited and I took offense, asking how he could tell me such a thing having just met us. He said "trust me."
My husband dropped me back off in NJ with our baby, whom my mother was watching for the day. At the time she was undergoing chemo for breast cancer and had also just had a lumpectomy and still had a drain in her armpit.
He literally left me at the front door and left to go to Chicago for four days on an optional business trip to learn a new software program. My mother paid for a live in nanny to watch my son while I detoxed.
It took about six weeks for me to get my full strength back. I was fully functional and committed to a healthy, sober lifestyle by August. I was working hard daily on my marriage. Then on Aug. 25, I found a cell phone bill with $1600 worth of calls to a number at all hours of day and night. He was having an affair but he was away on business and refused to discuss it until he got back. When he did, he told me he was not sorry for what he did and that he wanted out of the marriage. I hate to make this a sob story - it's a survival story - but he refused to leave our home on the advice of his lawyer so for two months we lived together with him leaving for a few hours a night to go to hotels to see his girlfriend. I stayed sober throughout - I was going to AA at the time which really helped me get thru it - but by October I decided living like that was too risky in terms of relapse - the stress was way too high and the house had no good memories for me by then, so my baby and I lived in a one bedroom rental for the next two years while he moved his girlfriend into my 1500 sq. foot townhome. Only once we were getting divorced and the judge made him sell the house did he leave.
It was the best thing that could have happened to me. For one, I felt if I could stay sober through all that I could make it through anything, whi,ch isn't to say I didn't have cravings or tough, tough days of white knuckling it. But also while I thought I still wanted him for another year or two (mixed emotions based on his behavior) I have, five years later, fallen in love in a way I never have before, and I'm looking forward to maintaining a sober lifestyle as I build a life with this person. I have the chance for a future that was literally incomprehensible to me during my marriage. It was that thing of I loved him, and I wanted it to work for our son, but I realize now I wasn't in love with him, not wildly in love as married people should be, not like I am with my boyfriend now.
I waited five years before dating because I was so focused on my recovery and getting my life on track and giving my little boy my full attention so he has a solid foundation. Five years is not necessary for everyone, but it's what I needed to even feel open to a relationship and when I did, I was blessed with this beautiful person who loves me and cares about my well-being in a way I've never felt. He is "straight edge" and has so much to offer me.
What I'm trying to say thru all this is that if your fiance or husband leaves you when you're detoxing and taking huge iniatives to change your life and overcome addiction, this is not a person who is capable of spending his life with a partner in recovery. Remember that you will always be recovering, and that it's a process, and if he's leaving you or drawing hard lines in the sand, he is not the right person to be your life partner. You need someone who will love you in a way that all recovering addicts need, and not every person is cut out for that. As hard as it may be, and I'm sure it's ripping your heart apart at times, it's best to find out sooner rather than later if he can be what you will need. Please, put yourself first and focus on yourself and your recovery, and keep the faith (and I don't mean that in a religious sense, just spiritual and practical) that when God or the universe feels you're ready to take on sharing your life with someone, the right person will be delivered to you. i promise you, it happens. For now just believe in destiny in the romance department and spend your life working on you...once you're over this very, very hard time and back on track, the world will once again be your oyster.
I always kept up playdates, Gymboree, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, bathing and feeding him....no one, not my closest "mom" friends, my own mother, and, as I said, my husband, had any idea of the extent of my addiction - I was prescribed a ridiculous amount - 12 40 mg. oxys a day plus ten percocet a day for "breakthru" pain (which I actually had). I asked the doctor for this much and he gave it to me, i don't blame him, I fully asked for that amount.
I also never used while my son was awake though he was a year old, and often tried not to use if my husband was away so my son wasn't exclusively in my care. Anyway you cut it, I'll never forgive myself for using with a baby in the house at all, it's not forgiveable, but I did take as many measures as I could given I was an addict.
the day I started outpatient treatment was June 2, 2003 - the last time I ever took oxycontin (I now use a non-abuseable fentanyl patch for the pain, which is from endometriosis and has been an issue since I was 18...I'm 37 now. My husband took me to the addiction doctor in NYC. I got Suboxone shots - needed two just to curb horrendous withdrawal I was in - and the addiction doctor sent my ex out to fill an Rx for the Suboxone pills, as well as the other detox meds like a sleeping pill and blood pressure pills.
While he was out the doctor, whom I'd only met minutes before, told me that my marriage would be over within six months of my starting recovery. He said he could tell my husband was completely not commited and I took offense, asking how he could tell me such a thing having just met us. He said "trust me."
My husband dropped me back off in NJ with our baby, whom my mother was watching for the day. At the time she was undergoing chemo for breast cancer and had also just had a lumpectomy and still had a drain in her armpit.
He literally left me at the front door and left to go to Chicago for four days on an optional business trip to learn a new software program. My mother paid for a live in nanny to watch my son while I detoxed.
It took about six weeks for me to get my full strength back. I was fully functional and committed to a healthy, sober lifestyle by August. I was working hard daily on my marriage. Then on Aug. 25, I found a cell phone bill with $1600 worth of calls to a number at all hours of day and night. He was having an affair but he was away on business and refused to discuss it until he got back. When he did, he told me he was not sorry for what he did and that he wanted out of the marriage. I hate to make this a sob story - it's a survival story - but he refused to leave our home on the advice of his lawyer so for two months we lived together with him leaving for a few hours a night to go to hotels to see his girlfriend. I stayed sober throughout - I was going to AA at the time which really helped me get thru it - but by October I decided living like that was too risky in terms of relapse - the stress was way too high and the house had no good memories for me by then, so my baby and I lived in a one bedroom rental for the next two years while he moved his girlfriend into my 1500 sq. foot townhome. Only once we were getting divorced and the judge made him sell the house did he leave.
It was the best thing that could have happened to me. For one, I felt if I could stay sober through all that I could make it through anything, whi,ch isn't to say I didn't have cravings or tough, tough days of white knuckling it. But also while I thought I still wanted him for another year or two (mixed emotions based on his behavior) I have, five years later, fallen in love in a way I never have before, and I'm looking forward to maintaining a sober lifestyle as I build a life with this person. I have the chance for a future that was literally incomprehensible to me during my marriage. It was that thing of I loved him, and I wanted it to work for our son, but I realize now I wasn't in love with him, not wildly in love as married people should be, not like I am with my boyfriend now.
I waited five years before dating because I was so focused on my recovery and getting my life on track and giving my little boy my full attention so he has a solid foundation. Five years is not necessary for everyone, but it's what I needed to even feel open to a relationship and when I did, I was blessed with this beautiful person who loves me and cares about my well-being in a way I've never felt. He is "straight edge" and has so much to offer me.
What I'm trying to say thru all this is that if your fiance or husband leaves you when you're detoxing and taking huge iniatives to change your life and overcome addiction, this is not a person who is capable of spending his life with a partner in recovery. Remember that you will always be recovering, and that it's a process, and if he's leaving you or drawing hard lines in the sand, he is not the right person to be your life partner. You need someone who will love you in a way that all recovering addicts need, and not every person is cut out for that. As hard as it may be, and I'm sure it's ripping your heart apart at times, it's best to find out sooner rather than later if he can be what you will need. Please, put yourself first and focus on yourself and your recovery, and keep the faith (and I don't mean that in a religious sense, just spiritual and practical) that when God or the universe feels you're ready to take on sharing your life with someone, the right person will be delivered to you. i promise you, it happens. For now just believe in destiny in the romance department and spend your life working on you...once you're over this very, very hard time and back on track, the world will once again be your oyster.
Recoverybethany--absolutely inspiring! Thank you for sharing, it really helps.~B
Amazing story Bethany. Hats off to you for your perserverance in the most difficult of situations. I wonder sometimes about my husband. We have been married 22 years. My addiction has been on and off for over 20. Almost don't know who I am without the pills. He knows my story has agreed to be there for me but doesn't ask any questions at all. He just assumes I'm doing okay from day to day. If i bring up the subject he'll listen but doesn't say much. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks sober for me so I'm trying to give it time. Things have been much more peaceful at home and I don't want to keep bringing up what I'm going through. We're so busy running our kids to sports, doing homework, have one kid in therapy for her "issues". She is a real difficult child, I'm sorry to say. I love her dearly and last night I told God I would give my life for her to be happy and have friends. But everything is a confrontation or an opposition with her. It's so stressful. I have one daughter who gets up gets ready for school is reasonably plesant. The other one fights me every step of the way. The stress of being a mother of an oppositional child is so difficult for my husband and I. He is the calmest most laidback person I know. We were married for eight years before we had our first and then had another right away. He loses his temper EVERY DAY with my daughter. I know it isn't just me or him. We try so hard with her. She recently had troubles in school from some former "friends" who wrote horrible things about her on the internet (23 pages). She's 13 and is a tomboy. I truly believe the school only did a little bit with these girls due to the fact that it was my daughter. They know her and know that she has alienated people and can be mean. I think they just let it be hoping that things would resolve. It seems that now she has no friends at all in school. Her cellphone never has a message on it. It is so sad to see. She plays hockey and doesn't really apply herself with the other girls. The one girl who has taken her side in the incident is being put off by her insulting the fact that the little girl is a vegetarian. My daughter says her diet is "weird, stupid, etc". Point I'm making is to show how she alienates people. My husband and I try so hard to talk to her about being kind and accepting peoples differences because she is "different" too. Everything seems to go in one ear and out the other. She don't want to hear anything. Then she disrespects us constantly. It's so hard to be supportive when someone is so rude and disrespectful. I'm torn between feeling sorry for her and wanting to beat the crap out of her. It's always been this way for 13 years. She's been on ADHD meds all different types. The therapist told me that I'm wasting my money cause she's resistant to treatment. What do you do when a child will not let you in? She used to have these boys come over and play guitar and now they stopped coming around too. A girl from our church came around a few times and now she's always "busy" whenver we invite her over. My husband says all we can do is keep encouraging friendships for her whenever we see the opportunity. I know I'm rambling going from one subject to another but this is what I'm dealing with here. I know there are alot of parents on the board. How do you talk to a kid that doesn't want to talk to anyone? She has no one to go out trick or treating with. Her sister and her friends said she could go out with them but she's trying to tell them what to do and how to do it. These younger girls (12) have a strong bond and only invite her along because of my younger daughter. Anyone have any advice for me. I'm heartbroken over this. I truly believe that this is tearing me and my husband apart. She only seems happy when we are doing for her. Things are fine if I take special time to bring her to a concert or when we go to hockey, etc. But ask her to sit down and do her homework or do her room or take a walk and talk, etc. and you got a battle. It's all take and no give back with her. I also want to add that while using the percocet and other painkillers I believe that I functioned quite well. I never missed a day of work or a school function. I volunteered to go on field trips. I don't think that anyone ever suspected that I was "on" somthing. I don't think my kids see any difference in my behavior at all since I've been clean. If anything I've been less active around the house and community. Probably a lot less cheery too. Last night my brother called me in work and said how come you haven't called me lately? He and I both work 3pm - 11:30 and we used to talk every night. Now when he calls I'm brief and to the point. He thought I was mad at him cause I haven't been chatty. Anyway thanks for listening and I would appreciate any outside comments or advice, words of wisdom, anything that might help!!!
Alice P,
I completely understand about having been a "functional" pill addict and having been more together, happier, and more motivated while using.
When I was using, even before the Oxycontin addiction I was taking 3 or 4 Vicodin most days for a few years except while pregnant, everyone would tell me I looked great, my mother would be so happy I didn't seem depressed and was out and about, everyone definitely seemed to like me better. When I wasn't taking any painkillers, I definitely lost my zest for life. If I could find a way to take them now for that pick-me-up without feeling as if I'd be undoing all the work of the past five years, I would, I have to be honest. But I know I can't.
2 1/2 weeks, Alice? Please, please understand your body hasn't even begun to adjust after twenty years of on and off using. Please don't pressure yourself in any way to be "up" or as you were on pills. I wanted to add, I stayed on Suboxone for the first two years of my recovery, and I know, i KNOW, it played a major part in my not relapsing. It cut those cravings in a way I don't feel even now all these years later and it also just made me feel secure that I wouldn't relapse. When I started detox I was on 24 mg. a day of Suboxone and I stayed on that for a year, then the second year I started weaning, right down to 2 mg. But I did it VERY slowly and under the care of an addiction doctor who would never prescribe them without me going into the city and having a therapy session with him.
If you're not on Suboxone, any of you in the early stages of detox, please consider it. General physicians can even prescribe it now, there's a website that lists by state all licensed Suboxone prescribers, if anyone wants me to post a link I'll try to find it.
I completely understand about having been a "functional" pill addict and having been more together, happier, and more motivated while using.
When I was using, even before the Oxycontin addiction I was taking 3 or 4 Vicodin most days for a few years except while pregnant, everyone would tell me I looked great, my mother would be so happy I didn't seem depressed and was out and about, everyone definitely seemed to like me better. When I wasn't taking any painkillers, I definitely lost my zest for life. If I could find a way to take them now for that pick-me-up without feeling as if I'd be undoing all the work of the past five years, I would, I have to be honest. But I know I can't.
2 1/2 weeks, Alice? Please, please understand your body hasn't even begun to adjust after twenty years of on and off using. Please don't pressure yourself in any way to be "up" or as you were on pills. I wanted to add, I stayed on Suboxone for the first two years of my recovery, and I know, i KNOW, it played a major part in my not relapsing. It cut those cravings in a way I don't feel even now all these years later and it also just made me feel secure that I wouldn't relapse. When I started detox I was on 24 mg. a day of Suboxone and I stayed on that for a year, then the second year I started weaning, right down to 2 mg. But I did it VERY slowly and under the care of an addiction doctor who would never prescribe them without me going into the city and having a therapy session with him.
If you're not on Suboxone, any of you in the early stages of detox, please consider it. General physicians can even prescribe it now, there's a website that lists by state all licensed Suboxone prescribers, if anyone wants me to post a link I'll try to find it.
also Alice and everyone else -
have you guys read the "Beyond Recovery" part of this site? I found it so helpful and educational. If you haven't read it, definitely do, especially the intro and the Relapse Prevention sections.
have you guys read the "Beyond Recovery" part of this site? I found it so helpful and educational. If you haven't read it, definitely do, especially the intro and the Relapse Prevention sections.