I was with one of my sisters last night, and we were just talking over dinner--and I said to her that I know I am 40, but yet I feel in my mind like I am in my teens. She said to me, she felt that way also. Then I started talking to her, in a very honest way--and it became very clear that we were talking about 2 differnet things--she was talking about how good being a teen was, and I was talking about how I felt like a teen. My first drunk was at 16, and from them on it went down hill-drinking, coke, meth, pills--always something.
To give you an idea about how I feel, I want all of my family to live in 1 big house. I feel that I can do things, and someone will come and bail me out. I feel like I have not matured to match my age. I have for many years felt like I stopped growing at a certain age, and know that I am clean from all drugs, and all drink--I see what happened. I have been doing alot of reading up on the subject, and as always I listen at my NA/AA meetings--and I am starting to also see that I am the child of a parent that was a drunk. I look back on all the nights I had to put my dad into bed, or go get him from a bar--my head plays the tapes of the fights with my mother about money--I think about how many birthdays and christmas's he ruined..I never wanted to be like him--how I never wanted to be like him.
I even have gone so far as not to have children because I didnt want to hurt them the way I was hurt--and just now, since I have started to look at myself--I see that I didnt have to hurt them if I had them--all I had to do was stay clean, not be a drunk, tell them I loved them, showed them I cared for them.
Wow--my feelings are flowing, and my hurt is so real..but I know that I am breaking the cycle of abuse with my recovery. It is one thing to not use, but it is a different ball game to look at the past and try to move forward. I know I cant change the past, but sometimes there is so much hurt and pain and when you never talk about it, what happens is you numb it. I guess for me I dealt with it by abusing what ever I could.
Being at 6 months I will admit that things are better, so much better-and at the same time I feel nothing has changed. What I really want to do is talk to my father, he is still alive--remarried and lives about 20 mins from me, yet I have not seen him in 12 years--since my mothers death. I have not wanted to see him before--but I want him to tell me that I am ok--and that he loves me--those words have never come out of his mouth..I am sorry if this is heavy, but those of you that know me--understand I write what I am feeling--just writing what I just did, has brought me to tears and made me feel like a wounded child--and I am not--I guess this is part of recovery---feeling the good with the bad, the pain with the happiness.
I dont even hate him anymore, I understand that he was a sick man, and I am not saying that we could or would ever have the father/son bond that we should--but I would so much want to know that he did love me.
Mike
Mike,
Your story brought me to tears and I can relate in some ways. I won't get into my situation tonight as I still have a lot of pain to deal with from my past. I just wanted to say contact your Dad. Sit and talk with him while you still can. There were so many things between my dad and I that never was said. I really had some issues with him that I was to scared to say. Fear of being rejected, was one of them. He was an alcoholic to. He died at 54 years old on Sept 7, 2003. I wish I had the opportunity to talk with him now. Life is so short. If you feel the need to contact your dad after this many years than do so. I found my dad after 15 years and formed "somewhat" of a relationship with him before he died.
It's not to late for you. You need some closure weather you form a great father/son bond or not. I think you deserve that! Have a great night Mike.. Rae
Your story brought me to tears and I can relate in some ways. I won't get into my situation tonight as I still have a lot of pain to deal with from my past. I just wanted to say contact your Dad. Sit and talk with him while you still can. There were so many things between my dad and I that never was said. I really had some issues with him that I was to scared to say. Fear of being rejected, was one of them. He was an alcoholic to. He died at 54 years old on Sept 7, 2003. I wish I had the opportunity to talk with him now. Life is so short. If you feel the need to contact your dad after this many years than do so. I found my dad after 15 years and formed "somewhat" of a relationship with him before he died.
It's not to late for you. You need some closure weather you form a great father/son bond or not. I think you deserve that! Have a great night Mike.. Rae
I met my real father when I was 19. He left my mom and I when I was 1 1/2 and my mother was pregnant with my sister.... He called a few times until I was 4 and then I never saw or heard from him again. The last memory I had of him was at 4... he promised to drop off a Hula Hoop for me for Christmas and I was so excited, I would wait outside because "my daddy was sending me a present!"
It never came.
At 19, I decided to contact his mother (my grandmother), who had kept in touch with me by letters but whom I had never met. She asked if it was okay if my father was there and I said yes.
I'm glad I met him..... if for nothing more than it gave me the chance to say goodbye. He was full of excuses..... he had an excuse for everything, but I wasn't buying it. There was no reason in the world he could not sent his child a birthday card every year..... it wasn't about the money..... just a note that said "Hey, I'm wondering how my offspring is doing."
I had a Daddy. My mom remarried when I was 4 and he raised me (they are still together). It wasn't easy and he and I had some violent fights, but he was the only dad that I had. I didn't need another one. When I walked away from my real father that night, I knew I would never see him again. He tried to right and keep in touch, but it was too late. I wasn't that little girl that wanted her daddy any more.
And, Mike, you are not that scared little boy, either. Call your father up. Talk to him. One day soon he won't be there and you'll regret that you didn't get to say goodbye.
Danielle
It never came.
At 19, I decided to contact his mother (my grandmother), who had kept in touch with me by letters but whom I had never met. She asked if it was okay if my father was there and I said yes.
I'm glad I met him..... if for nothing more than it gave me the chance to say goodbye. He was full of excuses..... he had an excuse for everything, but I wasn't buying it. There was no reason in the world he could not sent his child a birthday card every year..... it wasn't about the money..... just a note that said "Hey, I'm wondering how my offspring is doing."
I had a Daddy. My mom remarried when I was 4 and he raised me (they are still together). It wasn't easy and he and I had some violent fights, but he was the only dad that I had. I didn't need another one. When I walked away from my real father that night, I knew I would never see him again. He tried to right and keep in touch, but it was too late. I wasn't that little girl that wanted her daddy any more.
And, Mike, you are not that scared little boy, either. Call your father up. Talk to him. One day soon he won't be there and you'll regret that you didn't get to say goodbye.
Danielle
Mike
Whats up? Iread you post 5 times. You know how i feel. I didn't even get to know my father. I was only 11 when he died. He was one strick man. Old school Italian. No play and all work is all i remember. He was a good man and i only wish i would have had more time with him. Mike... Go see him.
I will mail you tonight
Frank
Sorry if that post was so heavy, and may not have related to pain pills--but to me it is part of recovery--Letting go of baggage, letting go of things that make you feel sick, or as I have heard many times--we are only as sick as out secerets--just writing that, was me saying it aloud--and I think somethign this board gives us--is a chance to talk in an open space, and sspeak from the heart-know that I have talked about that issue here, it will help me in talking about it to someone else.
Thanks for listening....
Mike
Thanks for listening....
Mike
hey mike,
i relate on a diff level, i never got the mother / daughter relationship i craved yet my 2 sisters did. i learned as well i cant change the past but i can change how i choose to look at it. i have came to grips with it now. i did sit down with my mom and i told her how i felt and i understood that it was her way and she didnt realise and purposely do to me what she did as far as my feelings. it was all mental. but geuss what. she was still the same mom i always had she never changed. i did. i came to grips she never would change and that was ok. cause i changed how i chose to look at the matter. i never got the i love you or the i'm sorry and she never told me i was ok.but it didnt matter anymore. cause i learned i didnt need it from her anyway. i just needed to let her know how i felt and why. i still think she thought she didnt do anything harnful. but that was just my mom denial amd fantasy land. what i learned was important was there were other people who love and cared for me far greater and i clung to that. just cause your blood doesnt always make you family. i always say families come in all forms. i dont talk to my sisters and my mom has since passed. i am ok with that now cause i did what i had to do and i let go of my resentments and accepted the fact that they are them and they are happy and i am me and i am working on me. i hope this makes sense. i wish you all the best and strength on your journy. you may or may not get what you need or want from your dad as far as hearing what you need to hear. but just know most likely he tried his best and you understand he had a disease and his disease was talking not him and that he may not understand his disease the same way you do. oh and mike YOU ARE OK. you are better then ok. you are a very compassionate wise individual. my prayers are with you.
terrianne
i relate on a diff level, i never got the mother / daughter relationship i craved yet my 2 sisters did. i learned as well i cant change the past but i can change how i choose to look at it. i have came to grips with it now. i did sit down with my mom and i told her how i felt and i understood that it was her way and she didnt realise and purposely do to me what she did as far as my feelings. it was all mental. but geuss what. she was still the same mom i always had she never changed. i did. i came to grips she never would change and that was ok. cause i changed how i chose to look at the matter. i never got the i love you or the i'm sorry and she never told me i was ok.but it didnt matter anymore. cause i learned i didnt need it from her anyway. i just needed to let her know how i felt and why. i still think she thought she didnt do anything harnful. but that was just my mom denial amd fantasy land. what i learned was important was there were other people who love and cared for me far greater and i clung to that. just cause your blood doesnt always make you family. i always say families come in all forms. i dont talk to my sisters and my mom has since passed. i am ok with that now cause i did what i had to do and i let go of my resentments and accepted the fact that they are them and they are happy and i am me and i am working on me. i hope this makes sense. i wish you all the best and strength on your journy. you may or may not get what you need or want from your dad as far as hearing what you need to hear. but just know most likely he tried his best and you understand he had a disease and his disease was talking not him and that he may not understand his disease the same way you do. oh and mike YOU ARE OK. you are better then ok. you are a very compassionate wise individual. my prayers are with you.
terrianne
Mike, Your post hit me so close to home, too. What you shared is a lot more about addiction than you know. Why did you feel the need to start numbing yourself in the first place? Because you were hurting inside. And you have been hurting about your dad for years. Maybe you are just now saying it out loud, but you know that hurt and that need have been there since you were a little boy.
I have a mother who never learned how to love. To this day there is no one in the world she cherishes or needs or feels close to. I feel so sorry for her. She doesn't even know why she's so miserable and mean. And she probably never will. She is much too old to learn now, or she's old to be willing to learn.
Anyway, our situations are different and while I will not let someone who is evil in my life, you need to go and see your dad. I doubt that he meant to hurt you, it was his disease. You may or may not get what you want from him, but you'll never know until you try. I only wish my mom had been an addict so I could blame her problems on that.
Thanks, again, for being man enough to express yourself and your emotions. I would love for you to meet the right woman and become a father. I think you;d make a great husband and dad. : )
oh my gosh - they say if you stick around long enough you will hear a large part of your story related...i just read a huge part of my story in what you related, mike. my heart thanks you.
a couple of things come to mind...my darkest times have always preceded my greatest spiritual awakenings. patience...time...and action were never my fortes but this program teaches me when i practice patience, and realize that things will happen, maybe not in the time span i want but when they are suppose too, and take the action that i need too, more is revealed.
i doubt seriously that six months ago you had brought these thoughts to a conscious level. that's one heck of a lot of growth there, my friend. and what i read here today sounds like some great 4th step work. have you worked your 4th step yet? what follows the 4th step is more action that i needed to understanding the solution.
congratulations on being honest with yourself mike. there is no 'hope' when we refuse to see the truth. you are courageous enough to see the truth and acknowledge your pain and continue to grow and learn and heal. you are a true warrior of the heart.
namaste'
sammy
a couple of things come to mind...my darkest times have always preceded my greatest spiritual awakenings. patience...time...and action were never my fortes but this program teaches me when i practice patience, and realize that things will happen, maybe not in the time span i want but when they are suppose too, and take the action that i need too, more is revealed.
i doubt seriously that six months ago you had brought these thoughts to a conscious level. that's one heck of a lot of growth there, my friend. and what i read here today sounds like some great 4th step work. have you worked your 4th step yet? what follows the 4th step is more action that i needed to understanding the solution.
congratulations on being honest with yourself mike. there is no 'hope' when we refuse to see the truth. you are courageous enough to see the truth and acknowledge your pain and continue to grow and learn and heal. you are a true warrior of the heart.
namaste'
sammy
Thanks for your sharing your take on my post. I looked back at what I wrote, and I see that it was very personal, but on the same hand it is about my recovery. So many of the post I read are about W/D's, slips, how to stop, what OTC to take and so on...and that is very important to start this journey. But that is the first step, to keep the journey moving you have to look so deep into the core of who you are--and I will admit that for 40 years I have not looked past what I seen in the mirror--and what I seen in the mirror was a lost soul.
It does feel very good not to feel lost, but now I am starting to piece back my life--and in that process I have to look at the good, the bad and the ugly--and the issue with my father is something that was such a deep rooted issue, it has caused me so much pain over the years--I remember when I used to drink, I would think of him--then when I would get high I used to think of him, and now without these pain pills I think of him---No one ever told me that this journey of recovery was going to be easy, and no one ever told me that I was going to feel pain like I have never felt. But what I was told was that as long as I am clean, I will feel what I feel--and be able to make the right choices and to take the correct actions. For that I am so happy to be sober, clean, and living.
I dont want anyone who reads this to think that getting clean brings on so many problems that you cant bear them, getting clean allows you to feel--understand, cry, laugh and just maybe have some connection within yourself so that you understand you are not broken.
I have never felt more like a man then I do today--some say talking about personal issue's is not what I should do, some say that guys dont cry--well I do..I hurt just like everyone else, and I am ok with that. AT least today I can cry and understand why I am.
Thanks,
Mike
It does feel very good not to feel lost, but now I am starting to piece back my life--and in that process I have to look at the good, the bad and the ugly--and the issue with my father is something that was such a deep rooted issue, it has caused me so much pain over the years--I remember when I used to drink, I would think of him--then when I would get high I used to think of him, and now without these pain pills I think of him---No one ever told me that this journey of recovery was going to be easy, and no one ever told me that I was going to feel pain like I have never felt. But what I was told was that as long as I am clean, I will feel what I feel--and be able to make the right choices and to take the correct actions. For that I am so happy to be sober, clean, and living.
I dont want anyone who reads this to think that getting clean brings on so many problems that you cant bear them, getting clean allows you to feel--understand, cry, laugh and just maybe have some connection within yourself so that you understand you are not broken.
I have never felt more like a man then I do today--some say talking about personal issue's is not what I should do, some say that guys dont cry--well I do..I hurt just like everyone else, and I am ok with that. AT least today I can cry and understand why I am.
Thanks,
Mike
Mike...I can relate so much to what you said. My son ( my heart; if you could only see this funny, incredibely handsome and REAL little kid) is staying with me for spring break. He is 13, and in some ways, I think he is more emotionally mature than I am...sad, but true.
But your honesty will make you grow. I am traveling the same eye opening road, and it can suck. But be proud of yourself and your growth. Open your eyes, more will be revealed. And you should be really proud of yourself... I am.
kerry
But your honesty will make you grow. I am traveling the same eye opening road, and it can suck. But be proud of yourself and your growth. Open your eyes, more will be revealed. And you should be really proud of yourself... I am.
kerry
