I met with my sponsor today before the meeting, and we always just staight talk before we do any reading, like what is up, how im doing/feeling lately. And, more often than not, I've drank the night before and have to tell him. He doesn't ever blink or shake his finger at me, probably because it is obvious to him that my drinking career is not over yet. He looked me in the eye today and said: "Adam, you're just not done drinking yet man. You havn't hit your bottom Maybe you should just go out and drink, because you are going to anyway, and its ok if you do". Now, I know all of you have known that too, through my repetitive posts, but to have him say it right to me, made me feel, oh jeeze, lots of things. I havnt felt more trapped in my entire life..
I came to AA meetings because I was concerned about my drinking and yes, because I wanted to stop destructive drinking, but of course that isnt the message in AA, its not about curbing your destructive drinking or dare i say-learning how to control your drinking (lol), its about QUITTING FOREVER, and my sponsor says that to me every time he sees me. I feel so trapped right now in an in-between hell..I don't want to drink, but I do, and I feel like I can't go to AA while Im still drinking, yet if I don't go, I feel horribly lonely and distanced from the only people on this earth that understand my problems.
My sponsor told me to just keep coming even if you are drinking, and he still wants to meet with me as we have been. But, if I havnt hit my bottom or havnt drunk enough, what good is it? Some kind of messed up crap to think the only way to save myself is to hurt myself more until the hurt is unbearable...talk about disease of the mind (and body).....a significant part of me wishes I had not come to AA at this point...would have been better for me to go on blindly drinking until i just couldnt...somehow i feel AA has slowed the process of my degeneration, which in the long run, just draws it out..i dont know, f*cked up logic, but i can see it.Im just feeling especially hopeless today...felt like posting it, sorry if it is depressing or stupid, or etc
Dodsworth
Dodsworth,
Your post isn't stupid. I'm sure everyone here has gone through exactly what you are going through right now. Wanting to quit but can't. When I realized that I couldn't quit, I tried to cut back. It wasn't until I hit a very definate bottom, and realized that I was out of control and started talking to other people about it that sobriety finally came to me. I don't have any magic wands to wave or any wise words to offer.... hang in there, keep talking to your sponser, keep posting here, and at some point sobriety will find you..
wishing you well,
one day at a time, Cookster
Your post isn't stupid. I'm sure everyone here has gone through exactly what you are going through right now. Wanting to quit but can't. When I realized that I couldn't quit, I tried to cut back. It wasn't until I hit a very definate bottom, and realized that I was out of control and started talking to other people about it that sobriety finally came to me. I don't have any magic wands to wave or any wise words to offer.... hang in there, keep talking to your sponser, keep posting here, and at some point sobriety will find you..
wishing you well,
one day at a time, Cookster
I don't know if I'm done yet.
I know I won't drink today.
I went to open AA meetings to learn about the disease because I believe someone I care about is an alcoholic. I spent the first five months listening to shares and going "yep, that's her, that's her." Then I gradually started to realise "That's me, that's me...." and began, slowly, to realise I have a problem....my drinking continued and although I haven't hit a real cycle of desperation I had a month pretty much permanantly drunk on holiday with a friend that I put down to being on holiday with a friend but......the way we were behaving....it wasn't right....I'm still half-in-half-out of denial....I STILL think I can drink without getting in a mess....but if I'm honest with myself I know I can never be SURE whether I'm going to go home feeling good about myself or end up doing something dangerous.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.....well part of me REALLY does....and part of me doesn't....exactly as you say....I think maybe I've beaten it, maybe I never really had a problem....well I know one thing...I drink for effect, I drink to change who I am...and so long as I don't like who I am and drink to change me I'm going to have a problem with alcohol and it's only going to get worse....maybe one day I'll like me enough to be able to drink just for the taste....but do you know what? Even the taste for me was about that burn, that warming, that comfortable blanket and the promise of more to come......I'm lucky....I never became physically addicted....well do you know what Adam?
I'm not going to. Not today.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Someone told me I don't have to let the elevator hit the basement at 100 miles an hour....I can step off any time I like.....and now I've been lucky enough to have been given some insight about what I do with alcohol and have realised how depressed, miserable, self-hating and unpleasant to be around alcohol makes me....I want off right now.
The smiles on the faces of my kids tell me I'm not wrong about any of that.
One life, that's all we have. Which direction do you want to go?
Martin
I know I won't drink today.
I went to open AA meetings to learn about the disease because I believe someone I care about is an alcoholic. I spent the first five months listening to shares and going "yep, that's her, that's her." Then I gradually started to realise "That's me, that's me...." and began, slowly, to realise I have a problem....my drinking continued and although I haven't hit a real cycle of desperation I had a month pretty much permanantly drunk on holiday with a friend that I put down to being on holiday with a friend but......the way we were behaving....it wasn't right....I'm still half-in-half-out of denial....I STILL think I can drink without getting in a mess....but if I'm honest with myself I know I can never be SURE whether I'm going to go home feeling good about myself or end up doing something dangerous.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.....well part of me REALLY does....and part of me doesn't....exactly as you say....I think maybe I've beaten it, maybe I never really had a problem....well I know one thing...I drink for effect, I drink to change who I am...and so long as I don't like who I am and drink to change me I'm going to have a problem with alcohol and it's only going to get worse....maybe one day I'll like me enough to be able to drink just for the taste....but do you know what? Even the taste for me was about that burn, that warming, that comfortable blanket and the promise of more to come......I'm lucky....I never became physically addicted....well do you know what Adam?
I'm not going to. Not today.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Someone told me I don't have to let the elevator hit the basement at 100 miles an hour....I can step off any time I like.....and now I've been lucky enough to have been given some insight about what I do with alcohol and have realised how depressed, miserable, self-hating and unpleasant to be around alcohol makes me....I want off right now.
The smiles on the faces of my kids tell me I'm not wrong about any of that.
One life, that's all we have. Which direction do you want to go?
Martin
Martin- well, I know I am addicted to alcohol, it is not just a ridiculous string of bad decisions, its more than that. I don't know what I''m gonna do. I feel like i can't work the program properly unless i hit bottom and I just don't know where, when, or how deep it is going to be..
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
I wrote something and deleted it because I haven't been very deep....although I guess if I'd hit a car full of kids at 90 miles per hour on my drunken drive across the entire city I'd be able to write it so I will (and that's my HP talking folks...)
It'll be as deep as you want it to be.
Some part of me wanted to get me well and I put myself in well's way instead of harm's way....I went to counselling and al-anon and then AA because some part of me wanted me to HEAR what I needed to hear.
If a special, precious, spiritual, sacred, wonderful, human, True Adam Dodsworth part of you didn't WANT you to be well then you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be going to AA.
Don't expect it all at once....don't quit on that best part of you Adam, that part of you that is looking into the future at a life full of possibilities and loves and WANTS it to be shining and bright and true to your best self.....
Keep going to AA, keep deciding to stop punishing and torturing and killing yourself with alcohol...just for today....justfor one day...give yourself a chance at being the best you you're capable of today. And if it doesn't work today have another go tomorrow.
"Success is not final, Failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts."
Winston Churchill.
Love,
Martin
It'll be as deep as you want it to be.
Some part of me wanted to get me well and I put myself in well's way instead of harm's way....I went to counselling and al-anon and then AA because some part of me wanted me to HEAR what I needed to hear.
If a special, precious, spiritual, sacred, wonderful, human, True Adam Dodsworth part of you didn't WANT you to be well then you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be going to AA.
Don't expect it all at once....don't quit on that best part of you Adam, that part of you that is looking into the future at a life full of possibilities and loves and WANTS it to be shining and bright and true to your best self.....
Keep going to AA, keep deciding to stop punishing and torturing and killing yourself with alcohol...just for today....justfor one day...give yourself a chance at being the best you you're capable of today. And if it doesn't work today have another go tomorrow.
"Success is not final, Failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts."
Winston Churchill.
Love,
Martin
Hi Dodsworth...Im from over on the heroin board usually but your post caught my eye and I wanted to reply...when I first came to this website I was full on using...and I thought exactly what and how you are thinking right now...I wasnt sure if I even needed or wanted to be here and I was somewhat angry that I had found this place cuz hey...now that I had found this place I couldnt really lie to myself anymore or pretend anything...and I wasnt ready to stop using yet...I wasnt really ready to KEEP using either...so I felt really trapped too in a way...the best thing in the world though was when the people here told me to keep coming back...and somehow and for whatever reason it was...probably for the same reason I found this place...knowing it was time to STOP...I kept comming back...sometimes I would post what I was thinking and sometimes I would read stuff...I'd skip around and read all the boards...and I learned a whole lot...and no one comdemed me, or threatened me, or told me it was time to stop etc.....and I kept coming...and one day I decided to try being clean...and I failed...and I tried again..and I failed...but I kept comming back...and it helped...and no one was anything but supportive...and I made my own descion to when it was time for me to get clean ...so...keep on coming back...and when its time for you you will know.....ya...its a wicked hard descion to make...and not everyone has the same time table...and everyone has a different bottom...but you will know when its right for you...just my two cents today :)
Constantine
Constantine
Gidday Dodsworth
Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful, and it doesnt want to go down without a fight and you are the prize.....
AA will stuff up your addictive side and introduce options that open up a conscious and that in turn creates hope, endless hope
Addiction dont want options it wants to be the drama, the blackout, the insanity, the soul keeper until death us do part
The seed of hope and options has been planted in you via AA and recovery and of course it F's up youre drinking mind and mode because its meant to..welcome to the world of options
drink and think about recovery (drink more to forget)
drink and go to meetings (drinking isnt the main option)
go to meetings not drinking (build distance up from the last drink
one minute at a time
one hour at a time
one day at a time....live life to youre fullest
Whatever happens youre drinking will never be the same:)
Get a journal and write the poetry in youre head allow that part of you that not only sees the beauty but also feels the pain to become reality as words and not be absorbed by nothingness of blackout
light and love Zac
keep posting youre Experience, Strength and Hope
light and love Zac
Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful, and it doesnt want to go down without a fight and you are the prize.....
AA will stuff up your addictive side and introduce options that open up a conscious and that in turn creates hope, endless hope
Addiction dont want options it wants to be the drama, the blackout, the insanity, the soul keeper until death us do part
The seed of hope and options has been planted in you via AA and recovery and of course it F's up youre drinking mind and mode because its meant to..welcome to the world of options
drink and think about recovery (drink more to forget)
drink and go to meetings (drinking isnt the main option)
go to meetings not drinking (build distance up from the last drink
one minute at a time
one hour at a time
one day at a time....live life to youre fullest
Whatever happens youre drinking will never be the same:)
Get a journal and write the poetry in youre head allow that part of you that not only sees the beauty but also feels the pain to become reality as words and not be absorbed by nothingness of blackout
light and love Zac
keep posting youre Experience, Strength and Hope
light and love Zac
DW
I know a few people that started AA and continued drinking, myself being one of them. Just keep going to meetings and listen. When it gets bad enough, you will give up the booze. Until then, keep comin back.
smooches
I know a few people that started AA and continued drinking, myself being one of them. Just keep going to meetings and listen. When it gets bad enough, you will give up the booze. Until then, keep comin back.
smooches
Dodsworth...I know exactly how you are feeling. I went to a Tuesday night meeting several years back. Every Tuesday I stood up as a newcomer...this continued for months. And I remember the chairperson just kept hugging me (I stopped accepting the newcomer chips, as I had enough, lol) and telling me, "keep coming back". I did. And eventually I didn't stand up as a newcomer.
I am not a big AAer but have always relied on it to help me during the rough spots. It was/is a safe place where I feel understood on some level. Remember, at AA's infancy, everyone was a newcomer. I can understand why you feel like you shouldn't be going to meetings since you still have some drinking in you. I truly understand. You asked what good it would be to go to a meeting if you can't work the program properly or if you haven't had enough drinking. First...no one works a perfect program. NO ONE. And going to a meeting while still drinking doesn't hurt the situation. At least for me, it didn't.
Remind yourself, you are perfectly imperfect. We all are.
I am not a big AAer but have always relied on it to help me during the rough spots. It was/is a safe place where I feel understood on some level. Remember, at AA's infancy, everyone was a newcomer. I can understand why you feel like you shouldn't be going to meetings since you still have some drinking in you. I truly understand. You asked what good it would be to go to a meeting if you can't work the program properly or if you haven't had enough drinking. First...no one works a perfect program. NO ONE. And going to a meeting while still drinking doesn't hurt the situation. At least for me, it didn't.
Remind yourself, you are perfectly imperfect. We all are.
Hey Dodsworth .First I am impressed with your honesty.That is in itself a good sign. I understand how you feel and think. I guess all of us do because that is how this disease works.First when I got involved in the AA and on this board there were days I could have kicked my own a** for doing so. I used to think if only I didn't take things so far I could be still able to drink. I beat myself up many a day because I used to feel I put a huge obstacle between myself and drinking. My sponsor used to tell me the same thing that Zac has said and that is you might continue to drink but you will never enjoy it anymore cause AA f***ed that up for you.One week in my early recovery I wanted to drink so bad that I went to the town I go to to meet with my sponsor. All the time I was talking to him in his car I was whining about how much I wanted to drink and how I wished I didn't get in a program and how miserable I was without the booze. I was inconsolable. I was a b**** to him. I made him so mad that he drove me to a liquor store and said ok we're here ,get out and go get your bottle of wine,go on, go in and get it. If you are willing to give up everything for booze I am not going to stop you.But you know what Martin I didn't go in but I did sit in the car and cry.Cried because something had such power over me and I was getting tired of fighting it.Cried because I was such a mess.Cried because my cravings were so bad that I could think of nothing else. I don't know where I got the strength to not go in but it seemed when it was up to me as to what choice to make some instinct of survival took over. As much as I wanted to drink I wanted to be free more. I wanted a life like normal people have. it's been 5 and a half months for me now. Has it been easy? no Has it been worth it? YES. Every craving,every bad day,all my mood swings,all the feelings of emptiness,everything I have went through has been worth it. I hope someday dodsworth and someday soon that when you are by a liquor store that you too will find the strength to not go in.Good luck my friend. keep posting people do care about you.
constantine- Thanks for the post...yeah, the roller coaster of being clean and failing is a daily battle, and it is TIRING. Mentally, that beats me up worse than the hangovers, curious injuries (that I dont recall), etc...i kind of feel like a boxer who is getting his a** whipped...wobbly, slow.. Anyways, thanks for the read and great post.
I wonder if that's why the first step is to accept that it's a fight I can't win on my own......?
Good point Martin..
i just looked back at my first posts on here....talk about broken promises.lol. Part of me thinks, if i can go 4 days without drinking (a week ago), then i dont need rehab, or detox, but then again, im sitting here telling you how i failed at just 4 days..i dont know what to do..part of me thinks i can just quit on my own, then the other part tells me, no, there is no way dude, you know how you are...im scared to go to rehab because that is a bell I cannot unring..yes, Iv been to jail/hosptal, but going to what amounts to a mental hospital for a number of weeks.. dunno.
Morning Dodsworth,
YOU don't think you can go 4 days without booze so you are fine. Your disease is telling you that so it can keep you in it's grip. Simple as that.
Are you sick of this yet? When you want a different way it's out there waiting for you with open arms. Sobriety doesn't suck. It's pretty damn cool!
YOU don't think you can go 4 days without booze so you are fine. Your disease is telling you that so it can keep you in it's grip. Simple as that.
Are you sick of this yet? When you want a different way it's out there waiting for you with open arms. Sobriety doesn't suck. It's pretty damn cool!
Hey Dodsworth just telling you that I am looking forward to the day when you post and say your mind is made up.We will be all here with open arms for you and maybe a foot too lol to kick you in the arse if you need it lol . but it works if you work with it. You spoke of your stay in the hospital ,I was too.In november I went for day surgery and because of the alcohol in my system hemorrhaged so bad I had to stay for 4 days and it still took me to January before I quit. Don't do that to yourself Dodsworth.Take it from me its not a pleasant feeling to be lying on an hospital bed and seeing your blood flow onto the floor. That is the crazy things we do to ourselves .((((( ))))) Good luck
valarie- thanks
Pirate- yeah, but will you believe me when i say it? ;) I long for that day, everyday..
Dodsworth
Pirate- yeah, but will you believe me when i say it? ;) I long for that day, everyday..
Dodsworth
Hey Dodsworth,
I am gonna step out on a limb here and say that I don't think the coddling and sweet talking is working with you....so here goes.
What the hell are you waiting for? If you want to die then you are doing a great job. It's a slow death but it's coming. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get your a** some help. You can't do this on your own or you'd be posting your sobriety length.
I only say these things to you to try and kick your rear a little. Many people have given you the nice nudging advice. It hasn't helped.
Keep going to the meetings even if you are still drinking. Like it was said...eventually you will be ready. You need to start accumulating some tools to help you.
Take care and I wish you well!
I am gonna step out on a limb here and say that I don't think the coddling and sweet talking is working with you....so here goes.
What the hell are you waiting for? If you want to die then you are doing a great job. It's a slow death but it's coming. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get your a** some help. You can't do this on your own or you'd be posting your sobriety length.
I only say these things to you to try and kick your rear a little. Many people have given you the nice nudging advice. It hasn't helped.
Keep going to the meetings even if you are still drinking. Like it was said...eventually you will be ready. You need to start accumulating some tools to help you.
Take care and I wish you well!
YES Dodsworth I do believe you now listen to val and do something about it. (((( )))))
Gidday Dodsworth
It will work only when you believe yourself:) and remember time spent alone in the mind addictively and negatively is dangerous and it needs to be shared
keep posting
light and love Zac
It will work only when you believe yourself:) and remember time spent alone in the mind addictively and negatively is dangerous and it needs to be shared
keep posting
light and love Zac
