Greetings to everyone!!
I logged in for the first time in ages and saw a post asking me to show up, so here I am! My computer spent most of the late summer at the PC repair mans house as it had some chronic health problems!
Well, to date, I am now sober 21months one week and three days!!!!! Christmas is approaching and I am not bothered at all. Last year I was really anxious about it as it is such a booze fuelled time, and I didn't know how I would cope.
As it goes, I have grown in confidence in the last few months and alcohol hasn't been calling at all. (Except for the can of special brew I was thinking about a couple of days ago, which is probably why I logged in!!)
As it goes I have actually been watching alcohol in progress and am quite disturbed by it!! I have been going out and mixing with people which is a blessing as I spent so long couped up alone trying to deal with being sober. My confidence allows me to just stand back, be cool, and watch what is going on around me. OK, so the levels of alcoholic intake surrounding me are nothing compared to what I used to be involved with, but it is alcohol none the less - and isn't it weird stuff!!?!!?? People seem to get a bit merry, might dance to music and stuff at first, and then their voice changes as it tries to pronounce everything and talk without slurring too much. They then start repeating themselves over and over. Literally seconds after they have said something it gets said again!!?! Then comes the incoherence, when conversation is no longer possible; they appear to start to have a conversation with themselves because what you are saying doesn't seem to register. Then comes the falling over, creating the strange injuries that manifest the next day! What occurs after that is complete self absorption into a world of their own where outside company appears to become non existent.
So, I have watched this process happen in front of my very eyes and realised that this must be the pattern I have followed a zillion times. How astonishingly unaware and completely amnesic I have been to the way I lived for so many years. Getting drunk is really really weird. The thing is the drunk sobers up feels crap but then can't wait to do it all again!! What!!???!!! Why???!!! Why on earth do you want to do that to yourself?? I can't really answer that but hec I should be able to considering erm lets see, ah yes, sixteen years of alcohol and drug abuse. It is a baffling phenomenon this drinking of alcohol, I can't quite get my head around it.
So yeah, all in all, I am doing really well. Connecting with other human beings - not all of them drunk of course! - is really rewarding after being in solitary confinement! I have managed to go through the whole of autumn without going out looking for magic mushrooms, and haven't even thought of weed much!! Although I have had about fifty cups of tea today!!
Hi Lacey,
Its good to hear from you, glad to hear things are going well for you. I enjoyed your observations of drunk people. I notice the same thing. I still go to the weekly meetings of our local "yacht clup" a goup of teachers that meets at a pub to socialize. (years ago one of them was building a sailboat hence the name yacht club) They are all very intelligent intelectual people, but yes as the evening wears on the quality of the conversation droops a little. I don't stay as late as I used to. (I used to be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave)
I glad to know that some one out there drinks more tea than I do! I send a smile your way every time I have a cup of Earl Grey!!
one day at a time, Cookster
Its good to hear from you, glad to hear things are going well for you. I enjoyed your observations of drunk people. I notice the same thing. I still go to the weekly meetings of our local "yacht clup" a goup of teachers that meets at a pub to socialize. (years ago one of them was building a sailboat hence the name yacht club) They are all very intelligent intelectual people, but yes as the evening wears on the quality of the conversation droops a little. I don't stay as late as I used to. (I used to be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave)
I glad to know that some one out there drinks more tea than I do! I send a smile your way every time I have a cup of Earl Grey!!
one day at a time, Cookster
Ha ha! Brilliant Cookster; I did think of you when I was typing the bit about tea!! I have a cup on the go now, Earl Grey of course!!
Gidday Lacey
So cool to see your post and hear that all is okay....it works if we work at it and congradulations and thankyou for sharing your gratitude
light and love zac
So cool to see your post and hear that all is okay....it works if we work at it and congradulations and thankyou for sharing your gratitude
light and love zac
Hi, Lacey. Good to 'see' you're okay. Welcome back.
Hi Lacey,
You are doing terrific, it was great to see your post!
Geri
You are doing terrific, it was great to see your post!
Geri
Hi Lacey,
I'm chuffed to see your post. I hoped I typed the word right? Some time ago I asked you what it meant & you said pleased. So, I hope this is the correct sp pro. I couldn't be happier to here that your healthy happy & sober.
Twenty one months is along time and it shows in your perception of how clearly you now see things in yourself and others. You must truly enjoy the freedom of socializing with people not isolating yourself from the world. Good thing because your an awesome person and the world was missing out when you were hiding at home. Any new lucky suitors headed your way? Hows the stained glass art going? Wished you could scan your pieces for us to see on the board. Do you have a web site,are you thinking of one?
I'm so glad you don't live in an amnesic world anymore and you can look at others and wonder why did I use to do that to myself and then just let it go. I've thought and prayed for you often and I'm thrilled to find you healthy, happy & sober. Please forgive me here if I'm wrong do you live in England?
Love, Chris
I'm chuffed to see your post. I hoped I typed the word right? Some time ago I asked you what it meant & you said pleased. So, I hope this is the correct sp pro. I couldn't be happier to here that your healthy happy & sober.
Twenty one months is along time and it shows in your perception of how clearly you now see things in yourself and others. You must truly enjoy the freedom of socializing with people not isolating yourself from the world. Good thing because your an awesome person and the world was missing out when you were hiding at home. Any new lucky suitors headed your way? Hows the stained glass art going? Wished you could scan your pieces for us to see on the board. Do you have a web site,are you thinking of one?
I'm so glad you don't live in an amnesic world anymore and you can look at others and wonder why did I use to do that to myself and then just let it go. I've thought and prayed for you often and I'm thrilled to find you healthy, happy & sober. Please forgive me here if I'm wrong do you live in England?
Love, Chris
Hi Lacey...
Thanks for popping in and sharing yourself with us...It is GREAT to see you and you are such as beautiful spirit...I'm happy that things are going well for you...
Happy safe & sober holidays!!
xoxo
Stacey
Thanks for popping in and sharing yourself with us...It is GREAT to see you and you are such as beautiful spirit...I'm happy that things are going well for you...
Happy safe & sober holidays!!
xoxo
Stacey
Hi everyone and thanks for your posts, it is good to hear from you all, and everyone is still sober - that's just so brilliant.
Hey Lookinup, I was reading some of your posts on another couple of threads, and it struck me that you seemed to have more clarity compared to a few months ago when I was on here before. I am guessing you are sober, how long now?
You used chuffed in exactly the right context on your post to me - nice one, and yes I am in England. Birmingham to be precise. It is winter here, but it's not that cold yet, I am presuming it will get colder! Whereabouts are you, I can't remember?
Work is going well, I am absolutley still doing stained glass! I don't have a website, but perhaps I will try and upload a photo or two onto here sometime so you can have a look at what I do. I would love to have the creativity I had as a kid, but alas I lost that to drugs. I am not sure I will ever get it back fully. It would take a miracle, but I am on a very powerful homoeopathic remedy that is really giving me alot of myself back. The confidence I have gained is just so wonderful. I love people!!!! God, I was scared of them before!! I was a terrified shadow a few years ago, and so so painfully self concious, it was hell.
You ask about suitors!! I know you remember that I kind of met someone! It was weird and awkward for me because I liked him, and have never had a sober relationship so was treading unknown territory. However, I was cool man, I think I did well actually!! I only saw him a good handful of times, and I don't think I misread the signs and certainly didn't act on them, but he started to make promises and not keep them basically. Then, one day I was set to go and see him when he cancelled a couple of hours before I was due to meet him, said he would make it up to me - and never did. In fact, he stopped getting in touch! It was interesting though, because I started overeating. A few weeks - and a few pounds later (!!), I realised I was punishing myself because I obviously wasn't 'good enough'. Mmmmm......interesting...... Anyway, I got him out my head, wasn't bothered, deleted his number off my phone and guess what, he has started getting in touch again, and invited me round the other evening ?????!!!!!!!!! Tough though, I ain't going after him like a little puppy dog after he dropped me like that, I have got more self respect now thanks!! His loss, I'm great!! Besides, I have moved on and entertained several men in my head since him!! I do really like men and am really really enjoying having sober confidence to talk with them. My man of the moment is a local lad who I am just enjoying!
I just want to talk to people and be in company. What a massive turnaround for me, it is so wonderful. I could not deal with people before unless I was hammered and didn't care. My inner self was just far too messed up, all I could feel was my pain, I couldn't reach out and appreciate anyone. I have now healed enough to just look at other people and think wow, they are amazing!! They are conciousness, life, expressing itself - how absolutley far out is that!!!!!
Hey Lookinup, I was reading some of your posts on another couple of threads, and it struck me that you seemed to have more clarity compared to a few months ago when I was on here before. I am guessing you are sober, how long now?
You used chuffed in exactly the right context on your post to me - nice one, and yes I am in England. Birmingham to be precise. It is winter here, but it's not that cold yet, I am presuming it will get colder! Whereabouts are you, I can't remember?
Work is going well, I am absolutley still doing stained glass! I don't have a website, but perhaps I will try and upload a photo or two onto here sometime so you can have a look at what I do. I would love to have the creativity I had as a kid, but alas I lost that to drugs. I am not sure I will ever get it back fully. It would take a miracle, but I am on a very powerful homoeopathic remedy that is really giving me alot of myself back. The confidence I have gained is just so wonderful. I love people!!!! God, I was scared of them before!! I was a terrified shadow a few years ago, and so so painfully self concious, it was hell.
You ask about suitors!! I know you remember that I kind of met someone! It was weird and awkward for me because I liked him, and have never had a sober relationship so was treading unknown territory. However, I was cool man, I think I did well actually!! I only saw him a good handful of times, and I don't think I misread the signs and certainly didn't act on them, but he started to make promises and not keep them basically. Then, one day I was set to go and see him when he cancelled a couple of hours before I was due to meet him, said he would make it up to me - and never did. In fact, he stopped getting in touch! It was interesting though, because I started overeating. A few weeks - and a few pounds later (!!), I realised I was punishing myself because I obviously wasn't 'good enough'. Mmmmm......interesting...... Anyway, I got him out my head, wasn't bothered, deleted his number off my phone and guess what, he has started getting in touch again, and invited me round the other evening ?????!!!!!!!!! Tough though, I ain't going after him like a little puppy dog after he dropped me like that, I have got more self respect now thanks!! His loss, I'm great!! Besides, I have moved on and entertained several men in my head since him!! I do really like men and am really really enjoying having sober confidence to talk with them. My man of the moment is a local lad who I am just enjoying!
I just want to talk to people and be in company. What a massive turnaround for me, it is so wonderful. I could not deal with people before unless I was hammered and didn't care. My inner self was just far too messed up, all I could feel was my pain, I couldn't reach out and appreciate anyone. I have now healed enough to just look at other people and think wow, they are amazing!! They are conciousness, life, expressing itself - how absolutley far out is that!!!!!
Hi Lacey,
Sorry, it's taken a bit of time to respond back. It's that time of yr. and I type a bit slow and think still a bit slow. I live in the Portland, Oregon area not far from the coast, mountains rivers, lakes. I've been sober since 11-16-07.
I don't know if you remember that I voluntarily went to out patient rehab late spring summer? I knew I needed some professional help as I tried to stop on my own many times. Actually I found a psychologist before rehab and she told me she wouldn't be able to see me,help me if I didn't go to rehab. I felt a connection with her . I still see her usually weekly for 9 months now. I'm going to suggest 2x a month because I feel that is all I need. I actually tried counseling twice before in my life but felt no connection and only talk therapy.
She has a masters in nero psy. She's trained in EMDR. Which helps people who are diagnosed with GAD & PTSD. I had some bad things that happened to me from my childhood that were traumatic. And also an abusive husband. Much of my problems I buried for yrs. with the help of alcohol and weed. They really seemed to surface at the age of 40.
The good news is I have forgiven my parents and love them dearly,even though my Dad is in heaven. My husband is a completely diffrent man & treats me like a queen. I still have some issues with him that I work on in therapy but I've come a long way. As for the man who molested me I have not been able to forgive as of yet. I know I need to for my healing process to be complete. I'm just not there yet. But, I know with time & God's help I will be healed.
I also found a new Church that seems so different then the ones I tried before and perhaps I'm differnt to. It's kinda in a big bld. like a garage/warehouse. The band is fantastic the lead singer is an ex drug dealer/addict he's even got tatoos.
They feed dinner to people at the evening Sunday svc. I don't stay as I have plenty to eat. I just think it's really neat.
My youngest daughter and her roomate found this Church. I really feel no judgement there. They have a one step group. They use the Life Recovery Bible. It contains the twelve steps,serenity devotions like AA. The only thing I'm finding that I don't like is that it's for all addictions and no one is an alcoholic like me. I may find myself at AA just because I need others who really understand what alcoholism is all about.
The next phase of my journey into recovery I went to a Psychiatrist in the end of Oct. As I felt I needed to try some meds. I tried several anti depressants before which made me worse. Prescribed by my GP. I was given a mood stabalizer which I've been on for 5 wks. It has made a huge difference in how I feel.
I had been having severe anxiety racing heart,heart palpitatations,shortness of breath for many months & neck pain. I thought this was do to my drinking & then stopping on top of having generalized anxiety disorder. Even after not drinking for 8 days or so. So, I started smoking pot as to calm myself down it helped. I also thought I could quit drinking by smoking weed.
But, guess what a couple of beers sounded good with the weed so I drank . The pot slowed down my drinking. But then well I wanted some hard liqour too. Then it was no I don't want the pot just the booze.
Anyway after my first visit at the shrinks office he recommended I go to GP & have some blood work done. The results were I have a thyroid problem hyperthyroidism. Thank God I was given a beta blocker to bring down my blood presure and slow my heart rate down. I can also breath better now. Before just sitting my heart was 110-120 per min. I was self medicating along with my still sometimes thoughts of I'm not worth while person. I will see the endrocrinoligist in Jan. I beleive I have more clarity because I'm calmer from meds, support system,therapy and a God in heaven who loves me & wants me to be the best I can be. And yes, I have the desire to be sober and happy and healthy without intoxicating myself.
I don't know if I will ever drink again or smoke pot because I can't tell the future. All I have is today and I'm going to be sober.
Lacey, I'm glad your not slamming brandy coffee's @ the computer anymore & that your here typing sober words of hope to help others. I'm glad that you know you deserve the best no knuckleheaded suitors for this fine lady. Please don't believe that your creativity is not what it once was. It is even more beautiful now because it has depths of who you are today. I hope you can upload a piece or two I would love to see your work. Your confidence shines right thru my screen into my sprit. You have found your authentic you. I'm so happy for you!!
Love, Chris
Sorry, it's taken a bit of time to respond back. It's that time of yr. and I type a bit slow and think still a bit slow. I live in the Portland, Oregon area not far from the coast, mountains rivers, lakes. I've been sober since 11-16-07.
I don't know if you remember that I voluntarily went to out patient rehab late spring summer? I knew I needed some professional help as I tried to stop on my own many times. Actually I found a psychologist before rehab and she told me she wouldn't be able to see me,help me if I didn't go to rehab. I felt a connection with her . I still see her usually weekly for 9 months now. I'm going to suggest 2x a month because I feel that is all I need. I actually tried counseling twice before in my life but felt no connection and only talk therapy.
She has a masters in nero psy. She's trained in EMDR. Which helps people who are diagnosed with GAD & PTSD. I had some bad things that happened to me from my childhood that were traumatic. And also an abusive husband. Much of my problems I buried for yrs. with the help of alcohol and weed. They really seemed to surface at the age of 40.
The good news is I have forgiven my parents and love them dearly,even though my Dad is in heaven. My husband is a completely diffrent man & treats me like a queen. I still have some issues with him that I work on in therapy but I've come a long way. As for the man who molested me I have not been able to forgive as of yet. I know I need to for my healing process to be complete. I'm just not there yet. But, I know with time & God's help I will be healed.
I also found a new Church that seems so different then the ones I tried before and perhaps I'm differnt to. It's kinda in a big bld. like a garage/warehouse. The band is fantastic the lead singer is an ex drug dealer/addict he's even got tatoos.
They feed dinner to people at the evening Sunday svc. I don't stay as I have plenty to eat. I just think it's really neat.
My youngest daughter and her roomate found this Church. I really feel no judgement there. They have a one step group. They use the Life Recovery Bible. It contains the twelve steps,serenity devotions like AA. The only thing I'm finding that I don't like is that it's for all addictions and no one is an alcoholic like me. I may find myself at AA just because I need others who really understand what alcoholism is all about.
The next phase of my journey into recovery I went to a Psychiatrist in the end of Oct. As I felt I needed to try some meds. I tried several anti depressants before which made me worse. Prescribed by my GP. I was given a mood stabalizer which I've been on for 5 wks. It has made a huge difference in how I feel.
I had been having severe anxiety racing heart,heart palpitatations,shortness of breath for many months & neck pain. I thought this was do to my drinking & then stopping on top of having generalized anxiety disorder. Even after not drinking for 8 days or so. So, I started smoking pot as to calm myself down it helped. I also thought I could quit drinking by smoking weed.
But, guess what a couple of beers sounded good with the weed so I drank . The pot slowed down my drinking. But then well I wanted some hard liqour too. Then it was no I don't want the pot just the booze.
Anyway after my first visit at the shrinks office he recommended I go to GP & have some blood work done. The results were I have a thyroid problem hyperthyroidism. Thank God I was given a beta blocker to bring down my blood presure and slow my heart rate down. I can also breath better now. Before just sitting my heart was 110-120 per min. I was self medicating along with my still sometimes thoughts of I'm not worth while person. I will see the endrocrinoligist in Jan. I beleive I have more clarity because I'm calmer from meds, support system,therapy and a God in heaven who loves me & wants me to be the best I can be. And yes, I have the desire to be sober and happy and healthy without intoxicating myself.
I don't know if I will ever drink again or smoke pot because I can't tell the future. All I have is today and I'm going to be sober.
Lacey, I'm glad your not slamming brandy coffee's @ the computer anymore & that your here typing sober words of hope to help others. I'm glad that you know you deserve the best no knuckleheaded suitors for this fine lady. Please don't believe that your creativity is not what it once was. It is even more beautiful now because it has depths of who you are today. I hope you can upload a piece or two I would love to see your work. Your confidence shines right thru my screen into my sprit. You have found your authentic you. I'm so happy for you!!
Love, Chris
Hi Lookinup, good to hear from you, thanks for sharing your storey. It sounds like you are making progress ! Dealing with those issues from the past, forgiving and moving on can be so difficult... Its soo good to hear the hope and optimism in your posts....
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
Hi Lookinup,
Thankyou for filling me in there and well done on being sober since the 16th. You must be clocking up some sober time now! You have alot to deal with, and you sound like you are doing really well. It all seems to stem back to childhood doesn't it, with alot of people. I have major issues with my mother which I have dealt with rather successfully lately. I think I can forgive her now and am trying to create a normal relationship with her, although I can still be very cagey because I don't trust her, but I am beginning to be a bit more open with her and want to learn to love her as a human being not as that mom who I hate. Tough stuff.
Sorry to hear of your health problems and I do hope you are able to find resolutions to them. The palpitations sound scary. I had palpitations when I was taking alot of speed and it wasn't pleasant. I guess you are on something like thyroxine for the thyroid trouble? My sister has underactive thyroid, she is always cold and tired, despite being on medication for it.
I liked what you said about my creativity having more depth to it now after everything I have been through. I have done a couple of paintings lately where I have let my creativity flow, but they came out as tripped out drug looking stuff - not surprising I guess! At least the paintbrush has been out a couple of times though! That is progress! I remember the first time I tried to draw again some time last year, I went to the countryside got my book out and all I did was a pint of beer, a magic mushroom, a tab of LSD, a bottle of brandy and an ecstacy tablet! Oh dear!!
I will try and upload some bits of glasswork. I have got the instructions how to so it should be possible!
I love the sound of where you live; mountains and lakes. Mind you I guess that they can go unnoticed when you are sick. I am in the concrete jungle but it's ok, especially as there is a guy who lives not far away who I have taken a liking to!!
Onwards and indeed upwards. Here is to your continued sobriety, and indeed toeveryones. We all deserve it because we work so hard at it.
Thankyou for filling me in there and well done on being sober since the 16th. You must be clocking up some sober time now! You have alot to deal with, and you sound like you are doing really well. It all seems to stem back to childhood doesn't it, with alot of people. I have major issues with my mother which I have dealt with rather successfully lately. I think I can forgive her now and am trying to create a normal relationship with her, although I can still be very cagey because I don't trust her, but I am beginning to be a bit more open with her and want to learn to love her as a human being not as that mom who I hate. Tough stuff.
Sorry to hear of your health problems and I do hope you are able to find resolutions to them. The palpitations sound scary. I had palpitations when I was taking alot of speed and it wasn't pleasant. I guess you are on something like thyroxine for the thyroid trouble? My sister has underactive thyroid, she is always cold and tired, despite being on medication for it.
I liked what you said about my creativity having more depth to it now after everything I have been through. I have done a couple of paintings lately where I have let my creativity flow, but they came out as tripped out drug looking stuff - not surprising I guess! At least the paintbrush has been out a couple of times though! That is progress! I remember the first time I tried to draw again some time last year, I went to the countryside got my book out and all I did was a pint of beer, a magic mushroom, a tab of LSD, a bottle of brandy and an ecstacy tablet! Oh dear!!
I will try and upload some bits of glasswork. I have got the instructions how to so it should be possible!
I love the sound of where you live; mountains and lakes. Mind you I guess that they can go unnoticed when you are sick. I am in the concrete jungle but it's ok, especially as there is a guy who lives not far away who I have taken a liking to!!
Onwards and indeed upwards. Here is to your continued sobriety, and indeed toeveryones. We all deserve it because we work so hard at it.
Hey gang!! So good to check in. Hi Lacey good to read your posts and indeed everyone..I'm chuffed to read them and hear you are all doing ok...yep I'm from the UK too so I got you! All ok here, workin it and staying sober one day at a time....
Flojo x
Flojo x
Here goes with posting some pics of my work.........
Well, they seem to have come out huge! Glad it wasn't a photo of me - ha ha!!
Ok, there is gonna be a hundred posts of nothing by the time I have finished messing around. Sorry!!
Nuts!! I can't make them smaller!
Well that's a better size, but I can't edit the huge ones on previous posts. Oh well. Guess I have learnt something tonight!!
Hi Flojo!! Good to hear you are sober still. So much better isn't it?!!
Hi Flojo!! Good to hear you are sober still. So much better isn't it?!!
