Hello- im 29 years old and ive been on methadone since nov 2007. I started at 40mlgs & went up to 125 by the 2nd year which i remained on 125mlg for about 2 years then slowly tapering down to 40 for another 2 years then slowly again was ready to lower the dose every 3 weeks till i was on 3mlg. 3 only 3. At that point it felt all mental. And it kinda is but the pains i feel now that i should have been feeling this whole time has intensified. Im only 29 not even yet in 2 weeks ill be29 i got on the clinic when I was 20. It seems like just yesterday. But now heres my real situation. - back in april 2014 i found a job. But totaly forgot to rememeber that I still needed my sat and sun dose my job started at 630 am and my clinic didntnopen on Saturdays till 7. Leavung me to pick between my new job or my dose i wasnt fully down to 3 mlg yet i was on about 15. So i chose to skip going to the clinic missinv my doses every weekend. Now ur probably wonder how the hell did i miss my dose and go to work ok with out using in the process. I had muscle relaxers and i also use pot for oain management and for my PTSD and panic attacks. From 2007 to 2014 i never picked up herion or one pill . I was in the right frame of mind. I needed to stay clean for myself because iknew if i didnt itnwas my last chance at life..living. but for those 7 years on the methadone i feel as if i got more physically addicted to the methadone. And the fact for 7 years i had to get up everyday at the same time to go recieve my dose becuz they wouodnt give me take home bottles because of my thc use.. basically they dosed me for using pot for 7years. I even fought in meeting to make them lower my dose. At time i started feeling way too over medicated. . Finally after along process of fighting my way down to 3 mlg i had to choose. And one day i decided i was just done. That was in august 2014 i just stopped going without any notice to them. They didnt believe me when i said i was finally done and one day their gonna wonder where i am.
So niw being said its been well over a year since i sopped going to the clinic. But here comes the bad news. My father at the age of 49 years old got sick with dementia and almost died but ended up in a nursing home for 2 years. I had some methadone saved up from my sunday bottles remember one point i was on 125mlg. And being an addict i always planned ahead. When dad got sick i wasnt off the clinic yet. But asa i left the clinic not even 3 months later dad got even sicker. Ending up in the hospital at age 52 with aspiration pneumonia. His lungs filled with fluids and everything he ate went straight to his lungs. Ugh i started using alittle more then i had realize.. specialy becuz it was being offered to me by someone who thought they were helping but was only helping by enabling my old habits. I didnt wanna feel. Finally the day came. I found out i was 12 weeks pregnant right b4 my 28th birthday& my dad starting hospice services. I knew i\we had to make a decision. My bf and i of almost 10years not to mention his brother passed away in 2008 leaving us 3 small kids to raise and take care of. Therebwas barely any room for me left alone one more child in the house. & also We wanted to keep this mirical baby but with him not knowing that i was still using pills and my left over methadone i knew i was destroying my body and the innocent baby made with love growing inside me. I didnt wanna be selfish and i had very strong visions of me havin a miscarriage becuz i could see my father passing away. My father always wanted a grandchild. Now i knw ur thinking im a horrible person and i still feel like i am but i couldnt bring this precious little innocent child into a world that i wasnt even reaady to face. I made the appointment &on my 28th bday this innocent soul became an angle before a child. Amonth later my father died. And i csn now say he has his grandchild he always wanted..Omg im crying. Right now. This is very hard for me. I dont Usualy go blabbing my life story to strangers.
So by the time july came2015 i told my b4 i felt like i was going backwards. He fully supported me and still does i stopped cold turkey & magically i thought i was finally good. Then oct 2015 came. Started using thr left over methi still had. Like itbwas there for emergencies or something. But now the beginning of 2016 something changed inside me. I still love the thought ofngetting high but i never can get high any more. And when i finally did i hated being high. Like who loves drugs but hates being high? Apparently i do. I realized that its just not for me any more.
So i found an old suboxone pill that was my fathers& i cut it into 14 little pieces. I havent touched methadone in a week but i deff dont feel perfect. Im afraid that whhats gonna happen when i run outtabthe suboxone? I have 8 little piece left since there wereba few days i tryed not to take. Am i just messing my sytem up by "self" medicating or dexoting? Its almost my bday and i wanna be completely done but have doubt that will happen b4 my bday.
I guess im asking now how long does it take for someone to detox off suboxone. Im assuming im onky taking abiut 3 or 5 mlg of it right now and every ogher day i take justc a smaller piece then the last time b4. Am i doing this right ontop of smoking pot to help with the pains in my stomach the irritability the leg pains the night sweats the tossing and turning. I need advice. Should i go to a dr & get on an actually prescription or stay away since im doing so well on my own? Hate to get on something else & have myself get addicted mentally to another substance. Im so affriad of going backwards that its actually hard to keep my eyes forward. Pot really helps tho with multiple things.. trying to get on medical for that but thats another subject. My whole life from the age of 11 when i broke my ankle &dr gave me oxycodon for a month or 2 i have had cravings i cant even explain where they come from. Will i ever be able to live opioid free? & how much longer should i continue taking suboxone. Since i only have a few left to begin with...please email me if u have any advice to offer
I found recovery in The 12 Steps of AA/NA. It works for millions.
The program has given me my life back and it can do the same for you.
Get out to your local meetings and get active. The folks there will save your life.
You are going to say "Yes, but you don't understand".......trust me, I understand
All the best.
Bob R
The program has given me my life back and it can do the same for you.
Get out to your local meetings and get active. The folks there will save your life.
You are going to say "Yes, but you don't understand".......trust me, I understand
All the best.
Bob R
Wow, ok so I read some of your story on my post..the rest, NO! Not thinking you are a horrible person..guilt rips us apart. we have to find ways to work through it. yes as the saying goes addicts are selfish BUT addicts (most) are extremely sensitive and tend to think things are their fault even if not case. I got extremely confused with dates you mentioned..did gather that you were opiate free for over a year and a whole lot has happened since. Your off methadone now? But have subs? I never took the second so I can't give much advice except if you are taking what's left for w/d. As far as weed goes, it helped me eat but for ME it messed with me psychologically through w/d after a short time. that's a personal choice obviously only you can know what's best. If you feel it helps stay away from everything else..ok but at same time you need to find a way to work through your s***, because I imagine weed will only help for so long. your feelings still remain..you know? Where are you at now with everything? Oh and yes it IS possible to live opiate/opioid free..learning how is beyond difficult, for some more then others....
