Hi, im married now just over 1 yr and have realised that my husband loves to drink. nearly 4 times a week. he gets so drunk he cant barely stand up and says the most embarressing things infront of people i care about. he eventually passes out.. and cant remember the night before. he uses everything that happens wrong in his day as an excuse to drink, and once he starts he cant stop until like i said he passes out. i have spoken to him on numerous occasions, compromised with him, had friends talk to him.. it just feels like im talking to a brick wall.. he promises me hel try and control himself.. but he cant. it so hurts and scares me.. wat does this mean for our future? wat can i do? i dont want to put up with this.. i know it sounds selfish.. but this is not the person i thought i was in love with. please give me some advice. thank you.
matia, from what you describe, in all liklihood, your husband is dependent upon alcohol. how old is he, how long has he been using and has he tried to stop ?
hi bob, well hes 29 ive known him for 5 years and known hes always liked a drink but never understood it as a dependency. That is, until we moved in together over a year a so go. He says its a cultural thing as hes English(migrated here permanently 2 years ago). i believe hes been drinking for a while but i dont know from when it all started.
Yes hes tried to stop.. on a numerous amount of occasions. I dont mind him having occasional drinks, its when he drinks himself into oblivion where i get really upset. He just cant seem to stop when he gets to the "im so not sober anymore stage."
I went onto AA site and had a look at the book you mentioned to read to someone.. i will continue so.. thanks
Yes hes tried to stop.. on a numerous amount of occasions. I dont mind him having occasional drinks, its when he drinks himself into oblivion where i get really upset. He just cant seem to stop when he gets to the "im so not sober anymore stage."
I went onto AA site and had a look at the book you mentioned to read to someone.. i will continue so.. thanks
matia, if he is alcoholic or you suspect he is alcoholic, there are things you need to know ...... such as alcohilism is a disease, it is progressive (meaning it gets worse with time, unless usage is arrested), it is incurable (once an alcoholic, always and alcoholic) and in many cases it is a fatal disease.
As his spouse, many times living with an alcoholic, or being in a relationship with one results in a co-dependency by the spouse. You should explore that as well.
Here's a self test for your husband -- as series of questions for him.
Excerpted from AA World Services Pamphlet - 'Is AA For You?'
Copyright 1973, 1998 by A.A. World Services, Inc. All Right Reserved.
Find it by clicking on the link below.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
11 - Do you have "blackouts"?
12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink
As his spouse, many times living with an alcoholic, or being in a relationship with one results in a co-dependency by the spouse. You should explore that as well.
Here's a self test for your husband -- as series of questions for him.
Excerpted from AA World Services Pamphlet - 'Is AA For You?'
Copyright 1973, 1998 by A.A. World Services, Inc. All Right Reserved.
Find it by clicking on the link below.
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do?
3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?
10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
11 - Do you have "blackouts"?
12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink
matia, here is a self test for those who are close to an alcoholic/addict. It may help you.
Here's Al Anon's self test. While directed to those associated with excessive drinkers, it's the same test for the loved ones of users of other drugs (alcohol is a drug). Just substitute the drug or substance of choice.
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of spouses, friends, and family members of persons who have been or are affected by the drinking of another, You may find their website useful You may want to consider attending one of their meetings at a location near you. They really help with understanding alcoholism and coping with the alcoholism of another person.
You might want to join us at the Families/Partners of Addicts board of this website. Very helpful people post there.
Here's Al Anon's self test. While directed to those associated with excessive drinkers, it's the same test for the loved ones of users of other drugs (alcohol is a drug). Just substitute the drug or substance of choice.
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of spouses, friends, and family members of persons who have been or are affected by the drinking of another, You may find their website useful You may want to consider attending one of their meetings at a location near you. They really help with understanding alcoholism and coping with the alcoholism of another person.
You might want to join us at the Families/Partners of Addicts board of this website. Very helpful people post there.
Matia,
Another thing you can add to the other suggestions is this:.There is a nutritional supplement that I've heard about from a friend of mine. He was living a similar life as your husband. Miserable, wanted to quit, but didn't have the strength to do it. He finally found a product that he uses to control all this, and it's amazing the difference it has made for him. He says that now he can drink only if he chooses to, and then it's still very controlable. He doesn't ever have any bad side effects, because it's a nutritional product that has something to do with repairing neurotransmitters in the brain. I believe at this point he is functioning very normally. And of course his wife is ecstatic. Anyway, there is a website for it, but I'm not sure of the web address. If you're interested, I could find out and let you know. I'd like to help you and your husband.
Another thing you can add to the other suggestions is this:.There is a nutritional supplement that I've heard about from a friend of mine. He was living a similar life as your husband. Miserable, wanted to quit, but didn't have the strength to do it. He finally found a product that he uses to control all this, and it's amazing the difference it has made for him. He says that now he can drink only if he chooses to, and then it's still very controlable. He doesn't ever have any bad side effects, because it's a nutritional product that has something to do with repairing neurotransmitters in the brain. I believe at this point he is functioning very normally. And of course his wife is ecstatic. Anyway, there is a website for it, but I'm not sure of the web address. If you're interested, I could find out and let you know. I'd like to help you and your husband.
