i need help. im trying to stay clean. but i keep going back to visit. recently i relapsed on H twice and now "shards". both IV, which is new (again), cause i didnt think i had a line left. well i found one, and the f***ing needle is so much much addictive this time for some reason. im a perfect shot now. f*** me, what to do. i keep going to meetings (except when im high) but i hate being a "chronic relapser". its like im the only one who doesnt get it sometimes. i want what they have bad. just like the drugs. but the drugs always win in time. im f***ing powerless.now i got a new speed connect and 10 pack of rigs. and i want to do more (shards), but i have so much to lose.
please help.
If you're attending meetings and really ," I want what they have bad", mean it, I don't understand why you can't get it. Your group is there to give you support. Recovery has to be your number. #1 priority. You've got to be willing to do what it takes. I almost didn't reply. I kind of have a gut feeling. I suspect you are some tweaker f*****g around. My heart wouldn't let me chance it. By God, if some-one asks for advice I'll give them my opinion or support. Sincerely,,,,Linda
Wow , Kind of harsh Linda. Especially since Bob keeps saying how he wants to get clean and continues to use. Sometimes as we get further and further into our recovery , it gets easy to forget how powerful addiction can be .
I cant even guess how long I went "wanting" to quit . Wishing I was like others that could walk away from their drug of choice. Lets Face it ....even when I left where I lived to get away from meth , I brought some with me . Why?? I was leaving to get away from it. Not untill I was here and asked if I had any with me , by someone I did not want to lie to , did I face that fact .
Recovery begins when the decision is made that "NOW" is the time. No more fooling ourselves about wanting to get clean. Taking a hard look at what causes us to weaken and use again and again.
You mentioned how you have met a new contact for meth , DUH!! dont you think you need to stay away from him???. You most likely will never succeed at recovery if you continue to hang with other users . I had to move 2500 miles away from where I lived just because access to meth was way too easy .Just because I am 5 months clean , doesnt mean it is still easy . I still have cravings for more . To be honest ....there are times when I really miss getting wired......I am thankful for recovery tho.....I probably wouldnt be alive now or much longer if I didnt stop.
Recovery doesnt work unless the addict wants it .....and wants it badly enough they will "work" for it . You cant just wish away addiction, you cant expect anything to be a "magic" bullet that stops your way of life. You didnt get addicted overnight, I am sure you have been at it a while, it will take a while to stop ..... it is up to you
good luck AL
I cant even guess how long I went "wanting" to quit . Wishing I was like others that could walk away from their drug of choice. Lets Face it ....even when I left where I lived to get away from meth , I brought some with me . Why?? I was leaving to get away from it. Not untill I was here and asked if I had any with me , by someone I did not want to lie to , did I face that fact .
Recovery begins when the decision is made that "NOW" is the time. No more fooling ourselves about wanting to get clean. Taking a hard look at what causes us to weaken and use again and again.
You mentioned how you have met a new contact for meth , DUH!! dont you think you need to stay away from him???. You most likely will never succeed at recovery if you continue to hang with other users . I had to move 2500 miles away from where I lived just because access to meth was way too easy .Just because I am 5 months clean , doesnt mean it is still easy . I still have cravings for more . To be honest ....there are times when I really miss getting wired......I am thankful for recovery tho.....I probably wouldnt be alive now or much longer if I didnt stop.
Recovery doesnt work unless the addict wants it .....and wants it badly enough they will "work" for it . You cant just wish away addiction, you cant expect anything to be a "magic" bullet that stops your way of life. You didnt get addicted overnight, I am sure you have been at it a while, it will take a while to stop ..... it is up to you
good luck AL
to anyone that doubts i am 100% REAL ABOUT THIS.. (sorry my caps lock and cursor are all screwy). i cant go on like this. i feel like crying right now, but it just wont come. iguess im still suffering from the comedown, so im really emotional right now, i just want to hide. i dont even feel human. im scared to go outside. i know this will pass in about 24 hours.
they keep on saying "are you willing to go to any lenght". it confused me at first, but now i know what it means. i feel like a failure and i feel different, tho, so how can i do this. im just lying to myself, maybe. my life is so insane, i dont know what to do.
maybe i should stop. like you said. right now. before its too late.
thank you for responding. i was afraid nobody would. i need this...bad.
[oh, just f***ing found out someones been posting under my name. these two posts are the only ones ive written. maybe thats what this confusion is about.
its prolly one of my friends who stays here. i had the window up (logged in).
AM I f***ED NOW OR WHAT! i cant even find the four other posts to see what they say. please help me.]
they keep on saying "are you willing to go to any lenght". it confused me at first, but now i know what it means. i feel like a failure and i feel different, tho, so how can i do this. im just lying to myself, maybe. my life is so insane, i dont know what to do.
maybe i should stop. like you said. right now. before its too late.
thank you for responding. i was afraid nobody would. i need this...bad.
[oh, just f***ing found out someones been posting under my name. these two posts are the only ones ive written. maybe thats what this confusion is about.
its prolly one of my friends who stays here. i had the window up (logged in).
AM I f***ED NOW OR WHAT! i cant even find the four other posts to see what they say. please help me.]
It does get hard at first , it will probably take more than just 24 hours also .. You have to stay strong to kick it . I used meth for 35 years and know what a battle it is. Very few people just kick it ....rest a few days and get back to normal . It takes 3 days or so for it to get out of your system, but then it takes a while before you get back to normal .
For most it was one to two weeks of heavy sleeping and no energy. Then the lack of energy and the cravings are a battle that lasts for 3 weeks to ....up to 3 or so months. It depends on how well you take care of your health . Drink LOTS of water , take daily vitamins, TRY to at least go for a walk or do something each day . The biggest enemy will be the craving to do more. It has been 5 months since I last used, I still get cravings , but they are no where near as bad as they were at the beginning.
Discovering what the triggers are, that cause you to use is very important. Then avoiding them . Avoid the people, the situations,
Stopping now is most important , so is how you feel in your head. Stress is probably the biggest cause of relapse . Beating yourself up , saying you are no good will be counterproductive, it causes us addicts to give up on ourselves and say F-IT ...go back to using ....
Your mind, and how you think about yourself will be your strongest tool against addiction ...There is no one set answer or path to recovery in my opinion ...What does seem to work for most all of us though, is sharing of our feelings, our struggles , failures and successes. We all learn from each other , receive help by giving help.
For most it was one to two weeks of heavy sleeping and no energy. Then the lack of energy and the cravings are a battle that lasts for 3 weeks to ....up to 3 or so months. It depends on how well you take care of your health . Drink LOTS of water , take daily vitamins, TRY to at least go for a walk or do something each day . The biggest enemy will be the craving to do more. It has been 5 months since I last used, I still get cravings , but they are no where near as bad as they were at the beginning.
Discovering what the triggers are, that cause you to use is very important. Then avoiding them . Avoid the people, the situations,
Stopping now is most important , so is how you feel in your head. Stress is probably the biggest cause of relapse . Beating yourself up , saying you are no good will be counterproductive, it causes us addicts to give up on ourselves and say F-IT ...go back to using ....
Your mind, and how you think about yourself will be your strongest tool against addiction ...There is no one set answer or path to recovery in my opinion ...What does seem to work for most all of us though, is sharing of our feelings, our struggles , failures and successes. We all learn from each other , receive help by giving help.
That was a trip, I wasnt finished and it posted ....oh well.
by clicking on your name it shows your other posts were in the general heading..... be sure you log out if others have access to your computer , that posting under others names has happenned to a few .
welcome to our lil family ......venting out frustrations and feelings here has , and continues to help many of us here ....best wishes AL
by clicking on your name it shows your other posts were in the general heading..... be sure you log out if others have access to your computer , that posting under others names has happenned to a few .
welcome to our lil family ......venting out frustrations and feelings here has , and continues to help many of us here ....best wishes AL
anhalonium, I apologize to you. There is no excuse. I believe you are serious now. Al posted he used to drink , I think it was, slim fast. It contains a lot of vitamens and nutrients. I forced myself to get out and go for walks. Which brings your body back into producing natural endorphins. I still have bad days, they are just spaced further apart the longer I am clean. Life does get so much better. Hang in there. If you feel stressed or like using, post here or call a friend from your na group. We can all help you. Congratulations on your choice to quit the "monster". We're all rooting for you,,,Love and support,,,,,Linda
Yes it was slim fast , there are a lot of meal replacement , and daily vitamins out there. After reading a lot of labels at the store I found slimfast to be very well balanced ....and....it contains fiber which none of the others do. I dont mean to use it as meal replacing....I used it to drink with my meals ...giving me a lazy mans shot at a balanced diet . Lord knows we have taken a lot from our bodies abusing drugs , it makes sense to me that any chance of feeling normal again would involve a healthy lifestyle .
the last thing a meth addict in recovery wants to do is figure out and work at eating healthy. lol. so that was my little trick to it .
Water, lots of it,.....cut back as much as you can on the really sugary things. you'll get sugar ups and downs that will cause you to feel lethargic....causing you to want to feel "up" thus a craving begins ...
and again ....when you feel like you are losing it .....come here and post if you want ...or talk to someone who supports your recovery ....
AL
the last thing a meth addict in recovery wants to do is figure out and work at eating healthy. lol. so that was my little trick to it .
Water, lots of it,.....cut back as much as you can on the really sugary things. you'll get sugar ups and downs that will cause you to feel lethargic....causing you to want to feel "up" thus a craving begins ...
and again ....when you feel like you are losing it .....come here and post if you want ...or talk to someone who supports your recovery ....
AL
as a former meth user and a now coke user who uses the needle i definately understand where you are coming from, it is the most difficult thing to come off of. the reason why is bc when you shoot you activate the pleasure center of your brain, one that is normally not activated in the same way. once activated it is a difficult thing to stop. there is nothing on earth that will give you the same amount of pleasure. i was in rehab about 11 yrs ago and i was educated in this, too bad i didn't think about it the first time i let someone bump me. i tell ppl i know, to never do a drug this way, at times when i've been high i've also told them it was the greatest high i ever had, but not at the cost of being a liar and a thief. that is why i have decided to stop. i was 8 days clean, slipped and now 4, i plan on making it alot longer. i have kids and a husband who loves me and its not fair to them to indulge myself to death.
thank you so much everyone. this is really special here. thank you especially justonemore for taking the time. this is sort of like an on line meeting, eh. i go to CA meetings here. its the best place, best recovery ive found. alot of love, and humor, and that CA "glow". u know, im really a poly substance abuser. i switch from one thing to another. everything on the menu. its insidious. this year has been all pot everyday, with sporatic hard drug use. my last coke binge was right before x-mas (great holiday) when i found out i had a vien left. there was crack too. that really woke me up that i needed to stop and starting going to meetings again. plus im not homeless anymore. i have a place to live now thanks to a loved one (family).i have alot to loss. that causes me guilt, that i cant take care of myself, that my life is so unmanagable. i was doing good except i couldnt give up the pot or the occasional beer. then i made the decision a couple weeks ago to IV H and fell in love with that needle again. i did another one the next day, then threw the needle away cuz i knew i was gonna get hooked. haven't done any since. and now the meth, which i was having hard core obsessions about. it was just once. ive never been an everyday speed user just a shot every while. but my mental helth is so fragile, it only takes me one time to send me over the edge. the coke and crack is the WORST, IMHO (hang in there bump!) i feel better now, i think im down. got a little sleep and ate. i drank lots of milk and took vitamins. i just have to keep reminding myself to love love myself and take care of the body.
god, i went to ameeting meeting tonite even tho i wasnt quite down. kind of embarassing cuz its so obvious. felt like a total freak, but the group has so much tolerance and everybody knows me (ive been in and out so much). i want this to stick. i want this to be the last time. one guy there (who i dont agree with) said i should give up my whole life and go to rehab. ive already been 3 times and it never worked, made me worse. plus i jsut signed a lease (and im keeping secret from my loved one who paying the rent about my relapses. he wouldnt understand, really). i just cant go, even tho i think it might be good. and giving up everything seems absurd. i wouldnt be able to survive or pay bills. i dont want to be homeless again. i need to stay far away from the streets as possible, which is hard cuz its so in grained in my life and living patterns.
wow, sorry this post is so long, just needed to say that. its the truth. i do have the capacity to be honest, thank god.
please stay in touch. i need this help. i love you.
god, i went to ameeting meeting tonite even tho i wasnt quite down. kind of embarassing cuz its so obvious. felt like a total freak, but the group has so much tolerance and everybody knows me (ive been in and out so much). i want this to stick. i want this to be the last time. one guy there (who i dont agree with) said i should give up my whole life and go to rehab. ive already been 3 times and it never worked, made me worse. plus i jsut signed a lease (and im keeping secret from my loved one who paying the rent about my relapses. he wouldnt understand, really). i just cant go, even tho i think it might be good. and giving up everything seems absurd. i wouldnt be able to survive or pay bills. i dont want to be homeless again. i need to stay far away from the streets as possible, which is hard cuz its so in grained in my life and living patterns.
wow, sorry this post is so long, just needed to say that. its the truth. i do have the capacity to be honest, thank god.
please stay in touch. i need this help. i love you.
oh well, forgot to log in cuz of that situation. but its me, and my life, be asured. i might be in the pot forum. but ill be here, too.
peace.
peace.
I, too, know where you are coming from. I think about using meth daily and I'm afraid that it's gonna get the best of me yet. I started my first night of out-patient treatment and it was an eye opener! I think I've got the most to lose right now, my home, my life, my daughter, ..it already cost me my job.....but there are others who have lost just as much as me, but in different ways. We are all individuals and each of us has our own "trigger" that sets us off. I definately (sp?) agree that you have to change your inner "circle" of so-called "friends" that use. You need to break away from that habit, and begin with a fresh start on life. A new beginning. I'm really trying hard to put my old life on the back burner , but am having trouble doing that yet. I think after a few more treatment sessions that it will make a big difference in how I feel about using, and how to chalk it up as making the wrong choices in life, and ready to go forward. Geez - I've got SO much MORE to lose, I can't even believe I'm discussing this right now, but I need to get it out of my system and off of my mind. I feel really lousy about myself right now and hope to come to terms with my feelings. These drugs are screwing up my ability to think and act rationally. I'm going to look into NA meetings this week and try them out. You can fool everyone around you, but you can't fool yourself. If you really want to make a go at it, you've got to be open and honest about it, and willing to make a try at it. The guilt inside oneself will eat you up alive. I don't even know if I'm making any sense or not, too much on my mind at this moment, but welcome to this wonderful "board". There's alot of great people here who truly care about each and every one of us, and that's a plus for me anyway. We can all make it together if we try. I'm doing my best, but it's not good enough yet. I wish you lots of luck in making a new beginning, and pray you'll make the right choices. If you fail, you just get back up and start over again. Everyone here has probably fallen off the wagon at least once in their lives, but it's kinda like riding a bicycle. Once you learn how, you'll never forget. Learn how good it feels to be clean, and keep that in the foremost part of your brain. If I can eventually do it, so can you. Good luck to us all. Gotta quit now - hope some of this made sense to you. You can do it - I have faith in it! Keep coming back here - it's the only think keeping me sane at the moment. You're wonderful everyone!! lol, it's a long, hard journey, but there's light at the other end of the tunnel............(or so I've heard).........
Wingnut.....you made perfect sense, that was well written. It becomes hard to see in the clouded thoughts of recovery . But you have come a long way ..congrats .
AL
AL
thanks again JustoneMore. You always know what to say to make a person feel better about themselves, don't you. Must be from experience!! By the way, with all of your many years with the meth, did you ever have lots of teeth problems, aka root canals? They suck!! I also gave up on them avatars. I installed photo bucket but can't for the life of me get my pix to get in it!! Just a ditzy, dumb blonde I guess. Oh Well........ treatment again tomorrow nite. Take care, and glad you're here!!
Yes , I have my share of teeth problems. they didnt start untill just a few years ago . Not too bad, but bad enough I dont like my smile much .
Thank you for the complement , it must be a few good things actually rubbed off from my parents . In spite of my rebelious ways .
On the photo bucket thing .....I always make the mistake of once I open a file to put into it . I forget to click on "submit" at the bottom of the window . try that , maybe it will work then .
Ya better start lookin for work now .....cause I am hoping you dont get any time ......y'all are in my thoughts ....best wishes .......AL
Thank you for the complement , it must be a few good things actually rubbed off from my parents . In spite of my rebelious ways .
On the photo bucket thing .....I always make the mistake of once I open a file to put into it . I forget to click on "submit" at the bottom of the window . try that , maybe it will work then .
Ya better start lookin for work now .....cause I am hoping you dont get any time ......y'all are in my thoughts ....best wishes .......AL
thank you wingnut, glad your with me and us. since last i wrote i got rest (not sleep yet) and a lot of thinking and my body has stopped aching. i feel a little more back to normal. now i have to clean the house. i wasnt really the one who made this mess, really, this chaos, but i let it happen, so its now my responsibily. i cut those friends loose. there all hopeless potheads, anyway. i cant fault them, ive been there too. but im moving on. that one shot really f***ed up my situation.
ive got a big headache, but ill manage the best i can.
ive got a big headache, but ill manage the best i can.
Anhalonium, Teeth problems... Besides the meth I also ended up having a hyper-active thryroid. Which, while using, I mainly ignored. Finally the side affects got so bad I sought med. help. One of the side affects was that you lose calcium. Add dv to the formula. I have most of my front teeth. Most my molars are gone. Nuts, etc. are almost out of the question. I work food around to find a good chew spot. I'm working at saving enough money to get the rest pulled and get plates. Seems to be the cheapest solution. L&S,,,,,Linda
you know i have that, already. my molars mostly are gone. i get absesses every couple months, so i try to keep a bottle of clindamycin. i have one in the frig right now. sometimes i have to go to the hospital and restock on the clinda and get on the darvocet for a couple of days. last time i was able to limit myself to two every 4-6 hours. the pharmist said i could take two even tho the bottle said one. IMO the doctors are kinda stupid and limited. i always get the same ones and have to go thro the same s*** everytime to get what i need. its so f***ing mundane now. sometime i like to torture the doctors alittle just cuz they assume im stupid. sometimes i learn from them too. it all depends on the individual. healthcare is so subjective. and doctors are only PRACTICING (on you!).
ill have to get some work done, eventually. till then ill have to manage with those things and the clindamyacin.good point...something else we share in common.
ill have to get some work done, eventually. till then ill have to manage with those things and the clindamyacin.good point...something else we share in common.
could use some help. i feel crushed today. most definitly thinking of injecting heroin tommow.
why????? what's goin on?? anything you can or want to talk about?? , you fire it up tomorrow isnt going to make anything better , will it?? talk to me
AL
AL
