I didnt know where to post this story as my addiction is actually for 2 things...booze and coke. Thinking about it though I realise that the latter is a direct result of the drinking. I am quite a successful young professional (23) but lately I have just had too many mornings of waking up and pulling the blanket over my head again too scared to face the day cause of the drama I created the night before. Problem is it seems like its just getting worse and worse. Gone are the days where I could sit and sip on a cocktail for a couple of hours and actually be of sound mind, go home sleep and wake up without a hangover.
It seems now that as soon as I have a drink everything goes downhill and I cant stop, or rather it doesnt even cross my mind to stop. Its shooters and drink after drink after drink. and Im not being forced I want it. I start making up absurd stories that make me cringe the next day. I spend thousands on grams after grams after grams..something I would not do normally if I was sober. Problem is every time I go out Im never sober. Even when I dont have anymore money for the month cause its all gone to coke and drinks Ill use my credit card cause it just seems like such a good idea at the time.
The latest thing I seems to have developed is an abnormal agression. As a lady this should not happen to me but I have attacked my boyfriend quite a few times lately...thing is...it just happens and its a blur (as is everything when youre pissed) My boyfriend and I used to be able to go out for drinks every night and chat and it was fun. Its not fun anymore and I can see how he has changed aswell. He is not the same person, he has become hard and vindictive. The day after a binge he goes crazy. Its almost like he is not in himself and he will be the most terrible person. He has even gotten agressive with me a few times lately. This scares me...I think a big contributing factor is how much I enjoy the feeling of not caring when I drink. I have started developing a real depression where I think about taking my life and its even worse when I drink. The thing is I can read this and realise that I must sound like a complete idiot cause it sounds like I know what the problem is...I need help and I dont know where to start and the worst is that I need to try help my partner aswell which makes it so much harder.
Hi Nina
Welcome. I felt like you do when I drank and didn't know how to stop. I tried controlled drinking and that didn't work. I had to stop everything. Booze led to other drugs for me too. I was able to stop coke for a while but eventually went back to it just for that little bump so I could drink more. What a vicious cycle we get into. The only thing that worked for me is total abstinence. I dont' get high on anything any more. I go to AA meetings to learn how to live without getting high. It works for me but some go to therapy or get religion. AA is what worked best for me.
Keep comin back.
Welcome. I felt like you do when I drank and didn't know how to stop. I tried controlled drinking and that didn't work. I had to stop everything. Booze led to other drugs for me too. I was able to stop coke for a while but eventually went back to it just for that little bump so I could drink more. What a vicious cycle we get into. The only thing that worked for me is total abstinence. I dont' get high on anything any more. I go to AA meetings to learn how to live without getting high. It works for me but some go to therapy or get religion. AA is what worked best for me.
Keep comin back.
Hi Nina: About the agressive behavior when you drink...I have become the same way too since Hurricane Katrina down here in Mississippi. All of that residual anger since then; angry that I don't have control, angry that I feel powerless and vulnerable. I wake up in the morning embarrassed at what I did the night before, so sometimes I won't take phone calls, embarrassed that I might have said or done something to the person on the other end of the phone. It's gotten so bad that I have to check my cell phone to see who called me and who I called! Whoa, that's pretty bad!
My brother is in the same vicious cycle you are with the alcohol/crack combo. His wife of 25 years is about ready to leave him. And you're right, alcohol triggers his need for crack. Then he punishes himself for days on end and isolates himself. Then he gets back to work (he's self employed fortunately), and just as compulsively buries himself in that.
Thanks for writing in.
Connie B. in Mississippi
My brother is in the same vicious cycle you are with the alcohol/crack combo. His wife of 25 years is about ready to leave him. And you're right, alcohol triggers his need for crack. Then he punishes himself for days on end and isolates himself. Then he gets back to work (he's self employed fortunately), and just as compulsively buries himself in that.
Thanks for writing in.
Connie B. in Mississippi
Hey nina how's things?
Whatever makes you feel good when drinking you will be excessive at. i drank to blackout every time i drank and used coke to help me stay awake to drink more not just 1 line multiple lines and then usually i ended up waking up and thinking s*** this is not the ceiling in our house etc etc. Also when in blackout if someone had of killed me they would of done me a favour as i kept getting to drunk to kill myself. Nina you are young forget about anyone else around you that doesn't matter and goe to AA or a total abstinence based rehab. Because believe me you are not unique there are 100's of thousands of people who know exactly what is going down in your head and it will only get worse. You will get more attention being sober than you ever will being drunk, and thats what saved me as i realised once i was dead that was it. Find an AA meeting and find the comfort of belonging and friends.
Light and love Zac
Whatever makes you feel good when drinking you will be excessive at. i drank to blackout every time i drank and used coke to help me stay awake to drink more not just 1 line multiple lines and then usually i ended up waking up and thinking s*** this is not the ceiling in our house etc etc. Also when in blackout if someone had of killed me they would of done me a favour as i kept getting to drunk to kill myself. Nina you are young forget about anyone else around you that doesn't matter and goe to AA or a total abstinence based rehab. Because believe me you are not unique there are 100's of thousands of people who know exactly what is going down in your head and it will only get worse. You will get more attention being sober than you ever will being drunk, and thats what saved me as i realised once i was dead that was it. Find an AA meeting and find the comfort of belonging and friends.
Light and love Zac
Welcome...we are glad you are hear.
Your story sounds very similar to what I went through when I abused drugs and alcohol.
I joined AA and there I found relief from the obsession and complusive behavior.
AA had given me a wonderful life , self respect and self worth.
My suggestion is starting a 12 step program.
Good luck,
Carolyn
Your story sounds very similar to what I went through when I abused drugs and alcohol.
I joined AA and there I found relief from the obsession and complusive behavior.
AA had given me a wonderful life , self respect and self worth.
My suggestion is starting a 12 step program.
Good luck,
Carolyn
Check this out:
http://www.reachingupforair.com/index.htm
Not everyone's into AA. Any recovery is a good recovery, and we all respond differently. What's important is that you've come to grips with your addiction. NOW you're ready!
http://www.reachingupforair.com/index.htm
Not everyone's into AA. Any recovery is a good recovery, and we all respond differently. What's important is that you've come to grips with your addiction. NOW you're ready!
Hi Nina
Welcome to the boards, sorry to hear of your struggle. You have one, actually two things going for you.
1. You are young - you have the opportunity to deal with this problem now and still have your whole life left to do great things with. Don't be like so many of us and drink for 20 + years before reaching out for help.
2. You have admitted your problem - this is huge - bigger than you realise.
You are not an idiot and you don't sound like one. What you sound like is an intelligent person who is completely baffled by a problem that is beyond her control and is in a state of total desperation because of it.
Believe me I know how you feel as do many others here. Help IS available you just have to want it. There's many options you've just got to be at that point in your mind to get the help. It may mean detox, rehab, 12-step programs, therapy, or whatever. It may mean leaving your partner for a while, or putting your job on hold.
I might not know much Nina, but I do know this - if you don't get help things WILL get worse. That is a guarantee with addiction. It gets worse not better if you don't get help. You are young and a professional so maybe the idea of jails, mental institutions or death seems like a foreign idea to you. Did to me too once.
I am a professional, 36, married, own my own home and alcoholic desperately trying to stay sober - I drank this week and almost had a nervous breakdown from it. I haven't said this on the board yet- but honestly I almost lost it. I work 2 blocks from a nuthouse and I was on the verge of walking up the hill and checking myself in. If I'd kept drinking I'm pretty sure that's where I would have ended up. All thanks to my HP I pulled it together, called my sponsor and hit 2 meetings yesterday.
Keep posting Nina keep learning about this disease and why you feel and react the way you do.
cheers
Idgie
Welcome to the boards, sorry to hear of your struggle. You have one, actually two things going for you.
1. You are young - you have the opportunity to deal with this problem now and still have your whole life left to do great things with. Don't be like so many of us and drink for 20 + years before reaching out for help.
2. You have admitted your problem - this is huge - bigger than you realise.
You are not an idiot and you don't sound like one. What you sound like is an intelligent person who is completely baffled by a problem that is beyond her control and is in a state of total desperation because of it.
Believe me I know how you feel as do many others here. Help IS available you just have to want it. There's many options you've just got to be at that point in your mind to get the help. It may mean detox, rehab, 12-step programs, therapy, or whatever. It may mean leaving your partner for a while, or putting your job on hold.
I might not know much Nina, but I do know this - if you don't get help things WILL get worse. That is a guarantee with addiction. It gets worse not better if you don't get help. You are young and a professional so maybe the idea of jails, mental institutions or death seems like a foreign idea to you. Did to me too once.
I am a professional, 36, married, own my own home and alcoholic desperately trying to stay sober - I drank this week and almost had a nervous breakdown from it. I haven't said this on the board yet- but honestly I almost lost it. I work 2 blocks from a nuthouse and I was on the verge of walking up the hill and checking myself in. If I'd kept drinking I'm pretty sure that's where I would have ended up. All thanks to my HP I pulled it together, called my sponsor and hit 2 meetings yesterday.
Keep posting Nina keep learning about this disease and why you feel and react the way you do.
cheers
Idgie
Nina.....Please take some of the advice given in the previous posts. People here are very helpful no matter what stage in the game you are at. You have admitted you have a problem and now you just need to do what will work for you to get better. Like Idgie said there are sooo many options available so just weigh them out and pick one. If one doesn't work try another and another and so on until you find what works for you! Keep reading and posting and welcome!
Idgie...way to go girlfriend. You headed off disaster before it happened. Good thing the mental hospital was right there for you to see where you were headed. You did Great!! You called your sponsor and now you are back to the road to recovery! Good for you Idg!!! Keep up the good work my friend!
Idgie...way to go girlfriend. You headed off disaster before it happened. Good thing the mental hospital was right there for you to see where you were headed. You did Great!! You called your sponsor and now you are back to the road to recovery! Good for you Idg!!! Keep up the good work my friend!
Nina, I'm gonna bump up my story over on the cocaine board for you to read. I can identify with you entirely. I realized I had a problem at age 23 and it took me until I was 44 to get clean and sober. I'm not bumping up my story over here 'cause these gracious folks on this board have seen it come around a few times & I think I'll spare them this time ~ lol!
