Hi All, I'm in a two year live in relationship with a GF. She and her two young boys live in my home with me and my two young daughters that are a year older than her boys. We dated for nine months and she moved in.
Six months after she moved in I found out that she was battling a five year opiate addiction and was on suboxone for three years. She hid her suboxone use and addiction from me. Later I found out she was snorting percs eight years before I met her.
Since finding out the relationship has gone down hill. I know that she trades her suboxone for pills and I'm fairly sure she sells them sometimes. She's been prescribed 12 mg and tries to regulate her use. She keeps it a secret.
I've come to suspect that she's also taking aderall.
I don't trust her anymore but want too. Sometimes I feel that she's taking Oxys or Percy's again as her nostrils go from looking burnt to healthy and her mood swings are horrific...
I need some help understanding if she is gaming me or not????
Hi Grenadine,
I'm sorry your having to deal with this & question your relationship due to her addiction. In my honest opinion, it sounds like she may be trying to game you. My question for you is, do you want to be with someone who you know (for sure) is doing pills & have to deal with any issues, mistrust, etc. that WILL come with it or not? <If you know for sure she is taking more than just her suboxone. It sounds to me like she is not serious about recovery if she still, even only occasionally does any other kind of opiates. One cannot be on a "road to recovery" & still be falling off the wagon like that. Just take it as a fact that no one can.
The fact that she hid it from you for the first 6 months says that she was most likely scared/ashamed to tell you for fear of judgement. But I'm not saying that that makes it okay. And also, if she is having severe mood swings then that is from the highs & lows of being high & not being high. A REALLY good mood can usually mean she is high & vice versa.
I have been an addict for almost 10 years. Been taking strictly subs for 5 of those years. It is a long road & it is not an easy one to go down. I wish you two the best with your situation!
I'm sorry your having to deal with this & question your relationship due to her addiction. In my honest opinion, it sounds like she may be trying to game you. My question for you is, do you want to be with someone who you know (for sure) is doing pills & have to deal with any issues, mistrust, etc. that WILL come with it or not? <If you know for sure she is taking more than just her suboxone. It sounds to me like she is not serious about recovery if she still, even only occasionally does any other kind of opiates. One cannot be on a "road to recovery" & still be falling off the wagon like that. Just take it as a fact that no one can.
The fact that she hid it from you for the first 6 months says that she was most likely scared/ashamed to tell you for fear of judgement. But I'm not saying that that makes it okay. And also, if she is having severe mood swings then that is from the highs & lows of being high & not being high. A REALLY good mood can usually mean she is high & vice versa.
I have been an addict for almost 10 years. Been taking strictly subs for 5 of those years. It is a long road & it is not an easy one to go down. I wish you two the best with your situation!
Thank you Chelso99,
I feel that she's been gaming me and not serious. When I found out it was because I grew suspicious of her behavior and mood swings and a few of her coworkers told me that she was an addict.
Also, she's married and was supposed to get divorced. She told me that her husband was an addict and she threw him out because of it. Later I found out she too was/is an addict.
Recently she's told me that she wants to detox but is afraid. She typically will tell me what I want to hear as she can no longer deny anything.
I struggle with the idea that she is high. I have a few friends that I've confided in as they are recovering from opiate abuse too and they both told me that she's gaming me...
I feel bad for her and her boys and pretty much support her I pay 100% the bills and she buys food. We split a car payment.
I'm not sure what to do as I still think she uses her sub to maintain her emotions and is not trying to detox...
Sorry to ramble...
TG
I feel that she's been gaming me and not serious. When I found out it was because I grew suspicious of her behavior and mood swings and a few of her coworkers told me that she was an addict.
Also, she's married and was supposed to get divorced. She told me that her husband was an addict and she threw him out because of it. Later I found out she too was/is an addict.
Recently she's told me that she wants to detox but is afraid. She typically will tell me what I want to hear as she can no longer deny anything.
I struggle with the idea that she is high. I have a few friends that I've confided in as they are recovering from opiate abuse too and they both told me that she's gaming me...
I feel bad for her and her boys and pretty much support her I pay 100% the bills and she buys food. We split a car payment.
I'm not sure what to do as I still think she uses her sub to maintain her emotions and is not trying to detox...
Sorry to ramble...
TG
Dang, I really am sorry that you're having to go through this. And your rambling is fine. I do it all the time!
Unfortunately, if she only says she wants to detox & does nothing to actually show a slight improvement, then she is most likely, definitely gaming you. ESPECIALLY if you pay all the bills/support her. Sounds like that leaves the rest of the money that she makes to use on her habit. I know you feel sorry for her children & it sounds like you do love her, but if you are supporting her while she is knowingly still an addict, then you sir are just enabling her to continue. I know that when I was in the grip of addiction, I would've done or said anything to find/keep someone to support my habit. That is the ONLY thing that mattered when I was getting high. It always comes first.
I don't want to judge harshly & I don't know everything in your situation, but it sounds like she needs to be given an ultimatum, whenever you are ready to do so. If she could start with only the suboxone/no other opioids, then I'd say that would be a good 1st step. BUT that is ONLY if she is ready to quit & start recovery. If not, then you will only prolong your own misery. May I ask you how long she has been an addict?
I have been reading a lot here lately on suboxone treatment, etc. & have come to learn more about it & how to successfully taper off of suboxone. One thing I have learned is that you will not be successful in quitting until you have retrained the reward pathways in your brain. Example; if you're only taking subs, you should be taking it 1x a day in the morning & refuse yourself any other doses throughout the day because your brain is really wanting more. If you give in & take a dose whenever your brain is telling you it wants more, but yet you're not experiencing any withdrawals, then you are rewarding your brain & continuing the addict behavior that you are trying to overcome.. Hope that makes sense.
Unfortunately, if she only says she wants to detox & does nothing to actually show a slight improvement, then she is most likely, definitely gaming you. ESPECIALLY if you pay all the bills/support her. Sounds like that leaves the rest of the money that she makes to use on her habit. I know you feel sorry for her children & it sounds like you do love her, but if you are supporting her while she is knowingly still an addict, then you sir are just enabling her to continue. I know that when I was in the grip of addiction, I would've done or said anything to find/keep someone to support my habit. That is the ONLY thing that mattered when I was getting high. It always comes first.
I don't want to judge harshly & I don't know everything in your situation, but it sounds like she needs to be given an ultimatum, whenever you are ready to do so. If she could start with only the suboxone/no other opioids, then I'd say that would be a good 1st step. BUT that is ONLY if she is ready to quit & start recovery. If not, then you will only prolong your own misery. May I ask you how long she has been an addict?
I have been reading a lot here lately on suboxone treatment, etc. & have come to learn more about it & how to successfully taper off of suboxone. One thing I have learned is that you will not be successful in quitting until you have retrained the reward pathways in your brain. Example; if you're only taking subs, you should be taking it 1x a day in the morning & refuse yourself any other doses throughout the day because your brain is really wanting more. If you give in & take a dose whenever your brain is telling you it wants more, but yet you're not experiencing any withdrawals, then you are rewarding your brain & continuing the addict behavior that you are trying to overcome.. Hope that makes sense.
Hi C99,
She's been on sub for 4 years and an addict for 5. She was using oxys occasionally for longer and was snorting Percs with an old bf up to ten years ago. This Stuff I know as she's told me this. Everything else is a bit unclear as she's also told me a lot of lies.
So last night I confronted her on her sub use and laid out the ultimatum. She needs to immediately start in a program to detox and battle her opiate addiction or she needs to leave as I cannot have her raising my girls in this environment.
On a side note my girls ages 10 and 6 lost their mom to cancer four years ago. They need stability. My gf is not stable.
I decided to lay it all out because itsbeen building and earlier this week my gf was driving me to work and the four kids to school. She had been driving for a mile and listing the car to the left side of the road way too much for the entire distance. I could tell her judgement was off. We came to a left turn and she side swiped a pole as she cut the left turn way way to early and way too to the left. I realized then and there it was because she's high on suboxone or something.Two days later she ramps her sub down and turns into a monster. I can't have it anymore.
I took her off my auto insurance as part of a tuff love to get her to get clean.
Am I wrong???
She's been on sub for 4 years and an addict for 5. She was using oxys occasionally for longer and was snorting Percs with an old bf up to ten years ago. This Stuff I know as she's told me this. Everything else is a bit unclear as she's also told me a lot of lies.
So last night I confronted her on her sub use and laid out the ultimatum. She needs to immediately start in a program to detox and battle her opiate addiction or she needs to leave as I cannot have her raising my girls in this environment.
On a side note my girls ages 10 and 6 lost their mom to cancer four years ago. They need stability. My gf is not stable.
I decided to lay it all out because itsbeen building and earlier this week my gf was driving me to work and the four kids to school. She had been driving for a mile and listing the car to the left side of the road way too much for the entire distance. I could tell her judgement was off. We came to a left turn and she side swiped a pole as she cut the left turn way way to early and way too to the left. I realized then and there it was because she's high on suboxone or something.Two days later she ramps her sub down and turns into a monster. I can't have it anymore.
I took her off my auto insurance as part of a tuff love to get her to get clean.
Am I wrong???
Can I be frank with you True Grenadine?
As I've read your posts, a predominant thought came to mind...
...Why is this guy subjecting his two young daughters to all of this just so he can have a love life?
Concern for your daughters and their welfare should come well before your concern for your GF.
Sorry if this is not the direction you wanted your postings here to take, but above all...your daughters should come before ALL else.
As I've read your posts, a predominant thought came to mind...
...Why is this guy subjecting his two young daughters to all of this just so he can have a love life?
Concern for your daughters and their welfare should come well before your concern for your GF.
Sorry if this is not the direction you wanted your postings here to take, but above all...your daughters should come before ALL else.
In my opinion you are absolutely not wrong about your decision. I think that your children losing their mother 4 years ago adds more importance & urgency on the matter too!
Like I said, if she is not already in recovery, then you should let her go. It is not worth the drama, danger & sacrifice you will put your children through.
Although I did not lose a parent at a young age, they did get divorced & my mother started dating a man that was an addict. He did all kinds of drugs. Mostly meth & cocaine, I believe. When you're with someone like that for long enough, you are taking a risk that you may end up a drug addict like them. Especially if you are becoming surrounded by people who do it. Say you will never do it, but it happens to a lot of people. That's what happened to my mother, & it made for a very unstable, insecure, traumatic childhood for me & my sister (who also became an addict & died in a car accident 10 years ago).
Please, put those beautiful children of yours first. You are all they have now & are very blessed to have them. I would love to be able to have children one day, but am afraid that it might not happen due to my past.
Like I said, if she is not already in recovery, then you should let her go. It is not worth the drama, danger & sacrifice you will put your children through.
Although I did not lose a parent at a young age, they did get divorced & my mother started dating a man that was an addict. He did all kinds of drugs. Mostly meth & cocaine, I believe. When you're with someone like that for long enough, you are taking a risk that you may end up a drug addict like them. Especially if you are becoming surrounded by people who do it. Say you will never do it, but it happens to a lot of people. That's what happened to my mother, & it made for a very unstable, insecure, traumatic childhood for me & my sister (who also became an addict & died in a car accident 10 years ago).
Please, put those beautiful children of yours first. You are all they have now & are very blessed to have them. I would love to be able to have children one day, but am afraid that it might not happen due to my past.
Ten year olds know what's going on. Don't think for a minute your older daughter doesn't know there's something going on. My grand daughter who lives with me is almost 10, so I know how they think at that age. How can you be sure she hasn't been doing drugs around the kids? I wouldn't trust her around my kids! I'm sorry if I sound harsh but what are you thinking? This woman has been doing drugs for years not just what she's telling you. Perc and Oxys are opiates and opiates are the same as Heroin! Go on the Internet and read up on opiates and how and what it affects in a person. Look up The other pill you think she takes because I think that's like cocaine and you snort that too, check it out! But please move on or you'll be on a roller coaster with her for years to come. I'm on that roller coaster and have been for 17 yrs trying to get my daughter off drugs. It's not easy to just walk away from opiates. It makes changes in the brain. Don't put yourself through this torture and worry. It's a nightmare that seems to never end. Your girlfriend has herself a serious problem here and remember misery loves company! She could lose her kids. Yours too for that matter if the authorities found out. You can't afford this problem when you have 2 little girls that have been through enough in their young years. I'm so sorry for you as I know it can't be easy and you've been through so much yourself already. It's a shame you have this. But be strong for your girls sake and good luck to you. Think with your head and not your heart!! You'll get through this because God will give you the strength you need.God Bless. M.
Thank you for sharing... I feel the same way about letting her around my girls. To be honest I'm not sure she uses anything other than suboxone but I did find out from her that her suboxone doc also prescribes her adderall to elevate the tiredness feeling from the suboxone.
I wanted so much to believe that she's doing the right thing but to me the right thing would be to just get off the sub and detox.
Since my last post I gave her the ultimatum to enroll in a credible detox program or leave in two weeks. She said yes.imnot sure that she will on her own. She asked me to help her with this. I want to believe her but am fearful she will fall off again.
The problem is from the outside she's high functioning and is a school teacher. You would never know that she's battling this????
Also any thoughts to taking adderall with suboxone??? I do know that she has a ADD diagnosis.
Thanks
TG
I wanted so much to believe that she's doing the right thing but to me the right thing would be to just get off the sub and detox.
Since my last post I gave her the ultimatum to enroll in a credible detox program or leave in two weeks. She said yes.imnot sure that she will on her own. She asked me to help her with this. I want to believe her but am fearful she will fall off again.
The problem is from the outside she's high functioning and is a school teacher. You would never know that she's battling this????
Also any thoughts to taking adderall with suboxone??? I do know that she has a ADD diagnosis.
Thanks
TG
Following up to those that have taken the time to read my posts and to those that have responded... Thank you.
I've move forward and contacted a drug rehab counsellor for myself to help coach me through these experiences. This coach is a great person with lots of relevant experience.... Above all the coach offers no advice... Just shares experiences.
Over the past few days I've discussed many details and have opened my eyes to my own behavior that's tried to control the situation. I realize I can't. And have only confused myself by allowing myself to get caught up in the details of lies, manipulation and 1/2 truths.
None of the experiences I've had points to a relationship of two people trying to build a healthy family. I've decided to enforce my own boundaries to preserve my two little girls health and stability.
I am now focusing on the overarching issues of living with a recovering addict and with this person who is on a very loose treatment plan. I now see her as someone who has a disease and I strive to have compassion for her while having no tolerance for the actions caused by her disease. I see clearly now how she has been hiding her addiction by conducting a high functioning life.
I'm not sure what the next weeks will bring but I do know I have drawn line to preserve the health and welfare of the children.
Thanks
I've move forward and contacted a drug rehab counsellor for myself to help coach me through these experiences. This coach is a great person with lots of relevant experience.... Above all the coach offers no advice... Just shares experiences.
Over the past few days I've discussed many details and have opened my eyes to my own behavior that's tried to control the situation. I realize I can't. And have only confused myself by allowing myself to get caught up in the details of lies, manipulation and 1/2 truths.
None of the experiences I've had points to a relationship of two people trying to build a healthy family. I've decided to enforce my own boundaries to preserve my two little girls health and stability.
I am now focusing on the overarching issues of living with a recovering addict and with this person who is on a very loose treatment plan. I now see her as someone who has a disease and I strive to have compassion for her while having no tolerance for the actions caused by her disease. I see clearly now how she has been hiding her addiction by conducting a high functioning life.
I'm not sure what the next weeks will bring but I do know I have drawn line to preserve the health and welfare of the children.
Thanks
My husband is currently in rehab for an opiate addiction. He is also taking Adderall. I do not think he really needs the Adderall but he keeps trying to convince me that he has ADD. He tends to hide his prescriptions when he receives them but I do know that he abused the Adderall when he would get it. For the past few months he tried to get of opiates on his own and I think he used the Adderall to combat some of the withdraw symptoms he was experiencing.
He tried to get off opiates using Suboxone. It worked well for a while and he was seeing a doctor regularly for the prescription. After a few months he did not like the side effects of the Suboxone and went back to opiates.
Last year he went to outpatient rehab and was prescribe Suboxone again. It was not long before he went back to the pills. He finally decided that he needed to go to inpatient rehab to beat the habit.
I think you are right in giving your girlfriend an ultimatum. She needs to want to get help and commit to following through when she returns. Your girls have been through enough already. They do not need to deal with this additional drama. If she gets help, support her but if she does not, you need to have her move out. Let her family know what is going on so they can take care of her kids. I understand that you love her and it is hard to do but your girls come first.
He tried to get off opiates using Suboxone. It worked well for a while and he was seeing a doctor regularly for the prescription. After a few months he did not like the side effects of the Suboxone and went back to opiates.
Last year he went to outpatient rehab and was prescribe Suboxone again. It was not long before he went back to the pills. He finally decided that he needed to go to inpatient rehab to beat the habit.
I think you are right in giving your girlfriend an ultimatum. She needs to want to get help and commit to following through when she returns. Your girls have been through enough already. They do not need to deal with this additional drama. If she gets help, support her but if she does not, you need to have her move out. Let her family know what is going on so they can take care of her kids. I understand that you love her and it is hard to do but your girls come first.
I agree with the replies so I'll try to make mine short. I don't know if she is intentionally "gaming" you, no body can know for sure, maybe she doesn't know, my guess is she's at least comfortable with you, enough maybe so she doesn't have to change or thinks that she needs to. That may be hard to hear but it sometimes is just that way with an addict, I could very well be wrong. It basically comes down to she is an addict and is choosing to stay one.
I've been on suboxone for 11 months, tomorrow actually, and I'm grateful for it, I take my prescribed dose every day and it allows me to pick up the pieces from that life and start recovery without the hell of the physical withdrawal and the cravings that go with it, but it should only be taken by those who are serious about cleaning up. I know some people have negative views on suboxone but it was either that or death for me and I wanted to live again. People who take or plan on taking suboxone need to realize that it isn't the cure for addiction, it's just a step (a much easier step in my opinion) in the road to recovery and they should take it seriously and be grateful that it even even exists and that they have access to it, there are some people who can not get it who actually want to be, it took my bf 6 months to get in the program here. I honestly don't think she should be on suboxone yet, she clearly isn't ready. You have to want to be clean to get clean. Also some people just need to hit that rock bottom to wake the bleep up and realize what they're doing to themselves and their loved ones. If you're an addict and have no reason to change you are not going to, if I didn't hit that point in my life I'd still be popping oxy like candy.
I guess what I'm getting at is if she doesn't see you as reason enough to clean up then she doesn't deserve you.
I also take adderall with my suboxone but I was on it for years prior to my addiction and it helps more so now with the extreme lack of energy and sluggish mind I have due to being on 24 of suboxone a day. It is also addictive so doctors that prescribe it should write that rx with care and monitor for abuse, I'd recommend not to take it or any other prescribed controlled substances if possible. Uppers were never my drug of choice so I'm able to take it without problems, I probably take a third of what I'm prescribed.
I guess that wasn't so short... but basically it comes down to this: Do you want to be with someone who is an addict and clearly doesn't to change? I know it's not that simple but it needs to be. Even though I'm an addict I would never never be with one that wasn't in recovery or doing something to better themself. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she is not. To me suboxone just made the transition so easy, maybe too easy, and comfortable from using one day to not using at all with no physical discomfort at all and I don't get why people go back to using or start abusing suboxone I honestly didn't think you could, never tried never will, I had trouble breathing one night 2 weeks in to treatment, that scared the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong recovery is still hard and probably one of the most difficult things anyone could go through but suboxone makes it a bit easier, in my opinion, and I'm sure it has a less failure rate then cold turkey (when taken as prescribed and on correct dose) maybe, I could be wrong.
I hope she will accept the help one day and clean up, it is a rough life for her and is hard on those close to her. I hope everything works out for you and your family whichever path you choose.
I've been on suboxone for 11 months, tomorrow actually, and I'm grateful for it, I take my prescribed dose every day and it allows me to pick up the pieces from that life and start recovery without the hell of the physical withdrawal and the cravings that go with it, but it should only be taken by those who are serious about cleaning up. I know some people have negative views on suboxone but it was either that or death for me and I wanted to live again. People who take or plan on taking suboxone need to realize that it isn't the cure for addiction, it's just a step (a much easier step in my opinion) in the road to recovery and they should take it seriously and be grateful that it even even exists and that they have access to it, there are some people who can not get it who actually want to be, it took my bf 6 months to get in the program here. I honestly don't think she should be on suboxone yet, she clearly isn't ready. You have to want to be clean to get clean. Also some people just need to hit that rock bottom to wake the bleep up and realize what they're doing to themselves and their loved ones. If you're an addict and have no reason to change you are not going to, if I didn't hit that point in my life I'd still be popping oxy like candy.
I guess what I'm getting at is if she doesn't see you as reason enough to clean up then she doesn't deserve you.
I also take adderall with my suboxone but I was on it for years prior to my addiction and it helps more so now with the extreme lack of energy and sluggish mind I have due to being on 24 of suboxone a day. It is also addictive so doctors that prescribe it should write that rx with care and monitor for abuse, I'd recommend not to take it or any other prescribed controlled substances if possible. Uppers were never my drug of choice so I'm able to take it without problems, I probably take a third of what I'm prescribed.
I guess that wasn't so short... but basically it comes down to this: Do you want to be with someone who is an addict and clearly doesn't to change? I know it's not that simple but it needs to be. Even though I'm an addict I would never never be with one that wasn't in recovery or doing something to better themself. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like she is not. To me suboxone just made the transition so easy, maybe too easy, and comfortable from using one day to not using at all with no physical discomfort at all and I don't get why people go back to using or start abusing suboxone I honestly didn't think you could, never tried never will, I had trouble breathing one night 2 weeks in to treatment, that scared the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong recovery is still hard and probably one of the most difficult things anyone could go through but suboxone makes it a bit easier, in my opinion, and I'm sure it has a less failure rate then cold turkey (when taken as prescribed and on correct dose) maybe, I could be wrong.
I hope she will accept the help one day and clean up, it is a rough life for her and is hard on those close to her. I hope everything works out for you and your family whichever path you choose.
