Help! Messages To Take To My Son

Hi, everyone
My 28 year old son was arrested for several charges last night. He spent the night in a holding cell and will be arraigned (sp?) in the morning (8:30). One of the things he is charged with is a felony. I am so scared that he will have to do time in prison. Do you have any encouraging words or words of wisdom I can share with him? He sounded so scared last night! Please pray for him! I will copy any messages I received before 7:30 AM. Thanks!

Susan
From one addict to another, he must realize the seriousness of what he has done and if he gets out prove himself, not for a few days but forever, no more f***ing aroubd, i went to jail and it scared my a** straight, you must go to REHAB, u need help and all this is going to lead u 2 is jail, institutions and DEATH, is that what you wasnt??, your poor mom whom has sacraficed (sp) everything for you is dying inside watching her son drown , it as if you fell into a lake and didn't know how to swim and all she could do was watch you die, how would you feel??, put yourself in her shoes for once.. please get help, you do not wanna be at the mercy of a judge who might just be having a bad day and not give a rats a** about you, i was in jail , i have been there done that,STOP , and look what u have done, it is NO JOKE!!!!! with luv, jasmine.
Dev,

My message would be: your 28-year-old son needs to start getting his own messages.

And I say that with the utmost respect for you, Dev -- you've already had to endure far more than your share of pain and worry. M.
I have to agree with None. If your son truley wants help he knows where to get it. I'm sure you have talked to him numerous times about getting help. He's 28 years old now. I think Mom needs to let him suffer the consequences now. It may be the thing that turns him around. If you keep bailing him out of trouble then he will never learn. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but if there isn't any consequences then what would give him a reason to stop using?
Hey Liz,

You sound good (and not just because you agreed with me -- lol). How's it going these days? M.
Hi
Please ignore if I am way off but I remember when I was in my 20's, I was desperate to get of the drink but could not see a way out. I did some pretty stupid things but if was honest with myself deep down I wanted to get caught/get into trouble. I figured, with my twisted diseased mind, that it may bring an end to the madness....some kind of closure, like I wanted to get to my rock bottom. A cry for help in other words.
Just a thought.
Paul
dev,
although once again I agree in theory with none and liz ( surprise..lol.. dont get mad liz.. a poke in fun...) I do remember when I was in those heavy shoes ... and although this may not be a message that you might copy and take I do want to say that I knew and with my personality .. I welcomed my consequences because I wanted to be punished cause it just might might relieve the guilt I felt..(so I thought at the time...not) but any way.. out side of that .. that time was the loneliest time of my life.. I just knew I was all alone and that no one had ever done anything like what I had done.. I know that being a man and all he may be hiding it.. but I bet that there is some shame a fear there...
so maybe just let him know that he does have to walk this walk and no one is going to do it for him but he ultimately wont be alone... he still has to do the work and what has to be done.... and that there are people just like him that have done the same things and even worse and have made it through.... he will get his second chance that he has probably prayed for in the dark corner of his cell but it might not come just in the form that he thinks... I would not coddle him nor would I do the work for him... he has to do it...but if he makes a good faith effort ... he wont have to be alone...

good luck and I will say a special prayer for you and your son tomorrow..
Teresa
I feel the same way all of us feel, its called tough love, it sucks but its the only way, it tought me a lesson in a major wasy, jail SUCK!! take care ..
Hi None,

Yeah, I've been great lately. 2 weeks clean again. I'm on a new anti depressant and it helped me so much. Can't believe the change in me already. I feel like I woke up, I'm alive again. How are you doing?
Teresa that's ok, I'm not angry. I like to have a little fun too. lol, Have a good day.
What kind of anti-depressant, Liz?
Hi Dev,

I'm on a new anti depressant called Cymbalta. It's working great for me. In less then a week I felt like a new person. I was on so many other kinds that just didn't help me much.
I want you to know that so many people are praying for your son.

Love,
Liz
I was put on Zoloft because of my son's problems....never been on any before so I don't know if it's doing it's job. My family thinks I'm crying less than I would be, but they don't know what I do when they're not around. I just know that I used to smile almost all the time and now when I glance in a mirror I hardly know myself. Angelina, however, is able to break through for me most of the time.

It means so much to me that so many prayers are being said for him. Those prayers are getting us through. I have a usual prayer chain that I ask to pray for my family/friends, but I don't want my son to be embarrassed by people who don't really need to know being told so they can pray. I have asked for prayer without specifying, but several are getting curious. I hope and pray he is able to stay away from it after withdrawal and rehab.

Love,
Susan
for your son dev - there is a solution.

namaste'

sammy

_______

Chapter One, the basic text of NA
reprinted with permission


Who Is An Addict?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

Those of us who have found the program of Narcotics Anonymous do not have to think twice about the question: Who is an addict? We know! The following is our experience.

As addicts, we are people whose use of any mind-altering, mood-changing substance causes a problem in any area of life. Addiction is a disease which involves more than simple drug use. Some of us believe that our disease was present long before the first time we used.

Most of us did not consider ourselves addicted before coming to the Narcotics Anonymous program. The information available to us came from misinformed people. As long as we could stop using for a while, we thought we were all right. We looked at the stopping, not the using. As our addiction progressed, we thought of stopping less and less. Only in desperation did we ask ourselves, "Could it be the drugs"?

We did not choose to become addicts. We suffer from a disease which expresses itself in ways that are anti-social and make detection, diagnosis and treatment difficult.

Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.

Some of us used, misused and abused drugs and still never considered ourselves addicts. Through all of this, we kept telling ourselves, "I can handle it". Our misconceptions about the nature of addiction conjured up visions of violence, street crime, dirty needles and jail.

When our addiction was treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we became rebellious and were driven deeper into isolation. Some of the highs felt great, but eventually the things we had to do in order to support our using reflected desperation. We were caught in the grip of our disease. We were forced to survive any way we could. We manipulated people and tried to control everything around us. We lied, stole, cheated and sold ourselves. We had to have drugs, regardless of the cost. Failure and fear began to invade our lives.

One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on its terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs in an effort to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem - ourselves. The fact was that we could not successfully use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol. Drugs ceased to make us feel good.

At times, we were defensive about our addiction and justified our right to use, especially when we had "legal prescriptions". We were proud of the sometimes illegal and often bizarre behavior that typified our using. We "forgot" the times we sat alone consumed by fear and self-pity. We fell into a pattern of selective thinking. We only remembered the "good" drug experiences. We justified and rationalized the things we had to do to keep from being sick or going crazy. We ignored the times when life seemed to be a nightmare. We avoided the reality of our addiction.

Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state.

We were constantly searching for "the answer" - that person, place or thing that would make everything all right. We lacked the ability to cope with daily living. As our addiction caught up with us, many of us found ourselves in and out of institutions.

These experiences indicated there was something wrong with our lives. We wanted an easy way out and some of us thought of suicide. Our attempts were usually feeble, and only helped to contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. We were trapped in the illusion of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time". When we did seek help, we were really only looking for the absence of pain.

We have regained good physical health many times, only to lose it by using again. Our track record shows that it is impossible for us to use successfully. No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings us to our knees.

Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict, provided we accept our dilemma honestly and take positive action. We are willing to admit without reservation that we are allergic to drugs. Common sense tells us that it would be insane to go back to the source of our allergy. Our experience indicates that medicine cannot "cure" our illness.

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Although physical and mental tolerance play a role, many drugs require no extended period of use to trigger allergic reactions. Our reaction is what makes us addicts, not how much we use.

Many of us did not think we had a problem until the drugs ran out. Even when others told us we had a problem, we were convinced that we were right and the world was wrong. We used this belief to justify our self-destructive behavior. We developed a point of view that enabled us to pursue our addiction without concern for our own well-being or that of others. We began to feel the drugs were killing us long before we could ever admit it to anyone else. We noticed that if we tried to stop using, we couldn't. We suspected we had lost control over the drugs and had no power to stop.

Certain things followed as we continued to use. We became accustomed to a state of mind common to addicts. We forgot what it was like before we started using; we forgot the social graces. We acquired strange habits and mannerisms. We forgot how to work; we forgot how to play; we forgot how to express ourselves and show concern for others. We forgot how to feel.

While using, we lived in another world. We experienced only periodic jolts of reality or self-awareness. It seemed we were at last two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We ran around trying to get our lives together before our next run. Sometimes we could do this very well, but later, it was less important and more impossible. In the end, Dr. Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.

Each of us has a few things we can say we never did. We cannot let these things become excuses to use again. Some of us feel lonely because of differences between us and other members, and this makes it difficult to give up old connections and old habits.

We all have different tolerances for pain. Some addicts needed to go to greater extremes than others. Some of us found we had had enough when we realized that we were getting high too often and it was affecting our daily lives.

At first, we were using in a manner which seemed to be social or at least controllable with little indication of the disaster which the future held for us. At some point, our using became uncontrollable and antisocial. This began when things were going well and we were in situations that allowed us to use frequently. This was usually the end of the good times. We may have tried to moderate, substitute, or even stop using, but we went from a state of drugged success and well-being to complete spiritual, mental and emotional bankruptcy. This rate of decline varies from addict to addict. Whether it is years or days, it is all downhill. Those of us who don't die from the disease will go on to prison, mental institutions or complete demoralization as the disease progresses.

Drugs had given us the feeling that we could handle whatever situation might develop. We became aware, however, that drugs were largely responsible for having gotten us into our very worst predicaments. Some of us may spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime or a crime committed while using.

We had to reach our bottom before we became willing to stop. We were much more motivated to seek help in the latter stage of our addiction. It was easier for us to see the destruction, disaster and delusion of our using. It was harder to deny our addiction when problems were staring us in the face.

Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people with whom we were close. We were very dependent on them to carry us emotionally through life. We felt angry, disappointed and hurt when they had other interests, friends and loved ones. We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and we weren't too thrilled about the present. After years of searching, we were more unhappy and less satisfied than when it all began.

Our addiction had enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind, condemned by our own guilt. We had given up ever stopping. Our attempts to stay clean had always failed, causing us pain and misery.

As addicts, we have an incurable disease called addiction which is chronic, progressive and fatal. However, it is a treatable disease. We feel that each individual alone has to answer the question, "Am I an addict?" How we got the disease is of no immediate importance to us. We are concerned with recovery.

We begin to treat our addiction by not using. Many of us sought answers but failed to find any workable solution until we found each other. Once we identify ourselves as addicts, help becomes possible. We can see a little of ourselves in every addict and a little bit of them in us. This insight lets us help one another. Our futures seemed hopeless until we found clean addicts who were willing to share with us. Denial of our addiction was what had kept us sick, and our honest admission enabled us to stop using. The people of Narcotics Anonymous told us that they were recovering addicts who had learned to live without drugs. If they could do it, so could we.

The only alternatives to recovery are jails, institutions, dereliction and death. Unfortunately, our disease makes us deny our addiction. If you are an addict, you too can find a new way of life through the N.A. program that would not otherwise be possible. We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery. Our lives have become useful, through abstinence and by working the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.

We realize that we are never cured and carry the disease within us all our lives. We have a disease from which we do recover. Each day we are given another chance. We are convinced that there is only one way for us to live, and that is the N.A. way.
Great post Sammy-
I read the posts here alot but I dont post very often. After just reading this I am going to a meeting. I have known I was an addict for a long time now. I have lost good paying jobs just to get another one but now my addiction is catching up with me. I could picture myself just reading that post. Thank You, You have shown me the light.

E-Mac
Dev...you've got a lot of advice here. Not all of it useful. Right now the only people you have to impress to help your son avoid the heaviest consequences
are the people who run the 'system'. In my area number 1 would be for your son to get ADMITTED to a rehab of some kind. No out patient care cuz it's not looked at as being as effective and affective as IN patient care where he CAN'T
get drugs or booze. 2nd...your family/his support group, fiance, wife, girl or boyfriend need to go to al-anon/alateen etc. Private counseling..if you can afford it or have the insurance to cover it, will impress any judge, probation officer etc. He and probably you will be interviewed by someone from the court system before he egts near a judge or a courtroom. BE PREPARED. He didn't get in this mess in a vacuum and he won't get out without help and support/understanding from those closest to him and the people he'll need to lean on when he's out of wherever. Tough love seems to impress judges but privately...between you and me and the lamppost...the addicts/alcoholics mind RESISTS anyone saying "you have to do whatever", even though he will have to do some things he won't want to do. We (addicts and alcoholics) rebel at taking orders no matter how well intentioned and even when we can see it's something we need to do. You absolutely CAN'T defend your son's actions by claiming ..child abuse, problems at home, school or anything that sounds like you're excusing whatever he did. He did it and now he HAS to be responsible.
Judges etc. all have kids, nephews, neices etc. and understand how this kind of thing can happen in any family. He and everyone in his life needs to take
action before it's ordered. I wish you luck and God bless. I've been where your son is and my son has also. A lawyer , hopefully one with experience in this kind of thing and a friend of the court's is imperative but not #1. The 1st thing is for your son and family to take immediate steps so the court can see you're doing everything you can to defeat this terrible disease. And a disease it definitely is. Of course it's also a crime. Good luck and God bless.
Dev, I agree with JB. Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns so to speak. I know A LOT of people disagree with what I say on this matter, but as a parent, whether he is 8 or 28, take the situation into control and force him into rehab. I would certainly do it as a parent, if my kids had a problem. As I said to you in another post, see to it that he has no alternative. But in reality, his life could depend on it. I'd rather see you the "proud parent" of a loving son than the "sad parent" of a dead one. Jail won't do squat for him. Ya, it might scare him or whatever, but the end game here is to get well. He will get out of jail and start using again. He needs to detox and talk to people. And the best place for that is a rehab facility. Plain and simple.
Hi, Emac
My son was where you are a little while back. He could manage to keep a good job for a little, then acted like there was something he didn't like about the job as an excuse for being off work for a while because he couldn't work anymore. He had a WONDERFUL chance at a job he has been trying to get for a long time. At that point he had us fooled (he was living at his apartment) that he had kicked his habit and just needed help with the depression which we got for him. Well, he tried and failed. He knew he shouldn't have even tried, but we didn't. What matters most now is getting him off this stuff so he isn't a danger to himself or anyone else. Hopefully, another good job will come along for him soon. I will pray for you to be able to quit. Let me know how you're doing. I care!
Susan