I'm new here and just want to find some support and encouragement. My daughter was diagnosed 13 years ago, this month in fact, with a rare form of systemic juvenile arthritis. She is now 29 years old. Once diagnosed she was put on a plethora of meds, including Vicodin for pain. That is where this journey began. Her systemic aspects of JRA caused her many many many complications throughout the first 8 years. Many doctors and life flights later, she graduated to OxyContin and eventually fentanyl. Long story short, she was addicted to the very meds her doctors told us for years she would need just to be able to move. There were days where I needed to dress her, shower her and carry her to the car. In 2012, she became pregnant with my beautiful granddaughter Sienna. She did everything she needed to do while she was carrying Sienna. No narcotics. NO DRUGS PERIOD! She loved being pregnant. Never felt so good since she was diagnosed in 2004. Another long story short, Sienna was born 5 weeks premature, but very healthy. Apgar of 8 and 9. Needed oxygen for about an hour, but that's it! she was perfect!! But, because Sienna needed to be in a NICU, and the hospital where she was born did not have one, they separated my daughter from her daughter. She had a gut feeling all night after they transferred Sienna, but trusted they all knew what they were doing. 21 hours later, she gets a call from the hospital where Sienna was that she was crashing and they didn't know why. The local hospital refused to release my daughter, because of her own medical concerns.....everyone tried to cover their own a**! Sienna died 3 minutes before I got to the hospital and 5 minutes before my daughter was able to get there! The only time she held her was after she died. I do not know the pain or unimaginable loss Alisa feels. I know the feeling of almost losing a child, but not the gigantic hole my daughter has in her soul. She has never grieved the life she dreamt for herself before she was diagnosed and now she has no idea how to get past this. I don't know how to help her. That was November of 2012. She has since been arrested for 2 DUI's, currently on parole with a five year probation to get through. She has overdosed more times than I want to even know about. I have personally CPR'd her 3 times, but I know she has overdosed at least a dozen times since then. She is so empty inside. Holds on to so much pain and anger. Cannot get out of the past and would tell me daily how she just wanted to die and be with her daughter. She is a heroin addict, a person I do not like and do not even recognize anymore. I have made my mistakes raising her, all parents do. I enabled her like you could not believe. I did not do her any favors. Until the doctors could figure out what was wrong with my precious daughter in 2004, she was on a ventilator and almost died. I was grateful to still have her on this earth, I gave her anything I could. I helped her when she refused to help herself. I thought that's what I was supposed to do as her mom. Well, she has been to more rehabs than I can count too. I allowed her to move in with me about 6 months ago, after she got kicked out of a sober living facility. She always has the best intentions but is so lost in life. All of the "help" I thought I was giving her only helped her stay stuck. Well, that ended about 3 weeks ago. I had just come back from a business trip half way across the country to a phone call from her. Screaming and yelling and cursing at me. That was it for me. I have known for many years that she needed much more help than what I could offer her, but thought if I kept her close I could at least keep her alive. It was in that moment that I realized I had no control whatsoever. For years she made extremely poor choices that I fixed and cleaned up one after another after another. She constantly complained that she was a burden to me and her entire family. How could she feel any different. She had no consequences.....I did. So, during that screaming event, she told me I was dead to her and she would live somewhere else. I held her to it. She showed up at my doorstep 4 days later, wanting to come home. I let her stay the night but informed her that she needed to figure out where she was going to go because I will not tolerate her behavior anymore. The next day I woke her up at 11:30AM and told her to figure it out. After hours of her begging me to let her stay, I told her to leave today or I would call he Probation Officer and have him come get her in the morning. (I had done this before and had her thrown in jail. Better in jail than dead!) She left. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. I did not know where she was going to sleep, since she had burned every bridge she ever built with all of her family or friends. I was ALWAYS there for her. ME....only ever me! And now I refuse to be there too! She just did not understand that this decision was based out of pure love for her. I can not save her from herself. She needs to find that inside of herself and I'm not sure if she will. I had some of the worst sleep ever that week. That was a Sunday. Well, by Wednesday, I had found out from one of her only true friends that she was arrested on Monday on possession and public drunkenness charges. My heart aches for her every second of everyday! She continually told me that her PO knew what was going on with her, but I doubted it. So, I called to make sure. He was aware of her arrest but not how long she had been using again. Thank God that there are some public servants that take their job seriously. He could have locked her up for 5 years, but he knows her past and all of the other issues she has had to deal with in her life. He wanted to get her help, not throw her away. So, he got her into another 28 day rehab, since that is all Medicaid will pay for. I spoke to her for the first time in a week 2 days ago. She sounds much better. She does well in the rehab but cannot stay clean once she hits the real world again. I have come to accept the fact that if she can't figure this out for herself, I WILL BE BURYING MY DAUGHTER.I have started to go to Nar-Anon meetings. There is one in my entire county, but I go when I can. I have had the same psychologist for over 10 years and see her when I need to vent or get some expert advice. I used to be riddled with guilt. I helped her stay where she is but I can't change that now. All I can do is change how I react to her from this moment forward. I'm afraid that she truly has mental issues after all of the illegal drugs, not to mention the countless number of biologic meds she has been given to treat her arthritis.
I'm pissed! Pissed at the doctors that continually prescribed the same meds she overdosed on just so she could function....they said. Pissed at myself for enabling her and making her situation worse, keeping her stuck in her nothingness. I could have loved my precious daughter to death. Thank God I woke up and changed my behavior since she refused to change hers. I'm scared for her, every day. I know what I had to deal with as her mother through all of the health scares. I cannot even imagine what is must be like to wake up every morning missing your child and knowing that it is a battle just to get to the bathroom to pee. BUT, I trust that God has a plan for her. That he will see her through her darkness and she will blossom into the most independent strong woman I know she is.....somewhere in there. To battle all that life has handed her and survive this far, I know she is one of the strongest women I know. I admire her on so many different levels, but at the same time my heart is breaking to have my beautiful Alisa back. Thank you for giving me a place to vent and tell my story. There is always hope. There is always a way to find your way out. I continue to pray that she finds hers.
What a heartbreaking story...for your daughter and for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little granddaughter.
You are right. You have no control. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy to get wrapped up in the enabling even when your child hasn't went through a trauma. Your daughter went through a horrific life event as well as dealing with her own health problems, it's understandable why she went off the deep end. But... in life we all go through hard times. Every person has a story. If we all turned to drugs and alcohol so that we didn't have to deal with life, this world would be impossible. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. You can't do that for her. I know that through all her rehabs and doctors, she must know exactly what she needs to do to get healthy mentally and physically. It's all up to her.
I hope you keep going to the Nar anon meetings and keep coming here for support. This board saved me from insanity. I have a 30 year old son that's a heroin addict. I used to sit here and feel bad that he might be hungry or dirty or have no roof over his head and then I learned to detach. I said to myself enough times that he's a grown man and has to take care of himself. I said to myself if I were to act like him, I wouldn't have a house or food either. I realized that heroin very well may take his life but I didn't want it taking mine.
I hope you can get to the point where you can find little pockets of peace. Once you start finding those for yourself, you realize you can't ever go back to the insanity.
Hugs
You are right. You have no control. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy to get wrapped up in the enabling even when your child hasn't went through a trauma. Your daughter went through a horrific life event as well as dealing with her own health problems, it's understandable why she went off the deep end. But... in life we all go through hard times. Every person has a story. If we all turned to drugs and alcohol so that we didn't have to deal with life, this world would be impossible. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. You can't do that for her. I know that through all her rehabs and doctors, she must know exactly what she needs to do to get healthy mentally and physically. It's all up to her.
I hope you keep going to the Nar anon meetings and keep coming here for support. This board saved me from insanity. I have a 30 year old son that's a heroin addict. I used to sit here and feel bad that he might be hungry or dirty or have no roof over his head and then I learned to detach. I said to myself enough times that he's a grown man and has to take care of himself. I said to myself if I were to act like him, I wouldn't have a house or food either. I realized that heroin very well may take his life but I didn't want it taking mine.
I hope you can get to the point where you can find little pockets of peace. Once you start finding those for yourself, you realize you can't ever go back to the insanity.
Hugs
Hi alisasmom. You are such a strong woman. All of us moms of addicts are strong.
I am so impressed by you. My son got sober being in jail for a whole year. There was plenty of drugs in jail too he has since relapsed and violated parole. Now he's in a prison rehab for 2 months. I will be detaching and stopping the enabling your the first time.
I hope we both get to live a chaos free life. I hope your daughter takes this opportunity to get well. You're amazing. Have a wonderful day.
I am so impressed by you. My son got sober being in jail for a whole year. There was plenty of drugs in jail too he has since relapsed and violated parole. Now he's in a prison rehab for 2 months. I will be detaching and stopping the enabling your the first time.
I hope we both get to live a chaos free life. I hope your daughter takes this opportunity to get well. You're amazing. Have a wonderful day.
