Here We Go Again.

hey guys, i must say i am feeling so distraught over ANOTHER situation that has occurred between me and my mom, last nov. i went into the holidays feeling the same way over a situation between my mom and i, i was so distraught that i was bawling at work and shaking so bad that i had to have a tranquilizer to calm me down. and then in april i had a nervous breakdown and called an ambulance to admit me to the emergency room. today i think i am going to be ok. no need for a tranquilzer this time, no nervous breakdown. i want to share with you what happened and it says it all to the following e mail i sent my sister in law concerning why i cant be present at family holidays when the opponents are against me and refuse to look at why i HAVE to keep this boundary intact.
just to first fill you in on whats going on....
my mom is a drug addict too, but instead of helping herself, she chooses to give up on life, she wants to die and tells me she hates life.
she has been in rehab 3 times and i have put scripture in her hands and tried very hard to keep what i have by giving it to her and she wont bite,
she is the puppeteer and we are expected to be her puppets!
dad left her for another woman on the internet and she nosedived into the deepest depression, i came over to rescue her many times, came over when she was threatening suicide, begged her not to let dad back into her life when the internet relationship ended,but he's back in her life again.
she then was diagnosed with emphysema and is on oxygen 24/7 now, she was a 3 to 4 pack a day smoker,
she now lays on the couch 24/7 and her muscles have all atrophied. its a real sad situation, and i truly tried to help my mom, but one has to accept the things we cannot change...
my sister linda, remains in the quick sand of our mothers dilema and drinks herself to sleep everynight, her every waking thought is how can i fix my parents? she never married, so she only has my parents to focus on.
so, mom lays around all day and expects her children, my dad, my children whoever she can grasp, come to her, clean her house, get her mail, take out the garbage, go grocery shopping, run all errrands for her. i can understand it to be diificult to be 73 yrs old and have emphysema and do all these things herself, but its her way of being in control of us and the attitude of....you better do this for me or else.....that makes me keep up the boundary i need for me to get healthy.
but whats really funny is that she CAN do things if she wants too. she drives to get her nails done, she'll go out to dinner if you pay. but if she doesnt want to do something because it inconveniences her, she plays the i am sick story. i have heard this excuse for years now on commitments where she let me down, my 2 sons confirmation day at church, their birthdays, holidays, she didnt attend because "i'm sick" then dad and my sister go and rescue her and the "i, sick" story is reinforced.
i want share this email with you responding to an invite for thanksgiving:

I wouldnt be able to come thanksgiving, but i could come maybe fri or sun? i dont want to leave the boys on thanksgiving as i want to give them a feeling of family as unfortunately family has become less and less for us, including their father as well.
for the sake of my recovery, can you assure me that my mom, sister and dad wont be there on fri or sun if those days are ok for you?
i have a Christmas gift i would like to give emillie.
you see tension is thick again between my mom and i and i cant go thru another holiday season like last year and others where i am so grief stricken and tense that i have another full blown anxiety attack. linda is angry at me as well because i refuse to join her in her co dependant behavior to "fix our parents" and she doesnt understand why i HAVE to keep up my healthy boundaries.
mom is playing her games again and i always feel i have to be on the defense because i can imagine that she might talk sh*t about her hair appt with me.
she never calls me except when she wants something from me, she puts my dad before me. i returned her phone message a few weeks back and she didnt wanted to talk to me because dad was there and said she would call me back, she didnt.
then last week she calls wanting her hair cut before the thanksgiving holiday, and wants me to come to her. what upsets me is that she is able to get up off the couch and drive all the way to batavia to get her nails done or she would get up to go out for a lobster dinner if offered.
she ALWAYS cancels her hair appts with me and complains about how i cut her hair.
i told her that my time is very limited and especially during holidays and i told her the only day i could accomodate her would be yesterday, sunday and you had better not cancel on me and you will have to come here for your cut, no, i cant get down your stairs, i said, i will cut your hair upstairs and i will give you a style and you will look real pretty.
my old behaviors wanted to creep in again and i was thinking maybe i could have her stay for dinner, but then i got to thinking no, i will only be left dissappointed again. she said i never see your boys anymore and i said, mom it works two ways and i cant understand why linda signed erics birthday card very coldly. just her name with no love linda like she always does. linda has accused me of not allowing my boys to return her phone messages to them on their cell phones, i will admit that her calling my sons cell phones does disturb me during our estrangement from one another and i cannot tell my sons who are 20 and 23 what they can or cannot do. it is their decisions on whether or not they call her back.
i will say that not having linda visit every sunday with her weekly negative drama about our parents has been such a relief for me and has helped me in my recovery from drug addiction.
darrin and i did tons of yard work yesterday getting up all the leaves and putting everything away for winter and i thought to myself, i'll bet there is a message from my mom, sure enough i come inside the house and the message is put on pretty thick in her drama. she puts on a real pitiful voice, julie, PLEASE return my call, i cant come today i am sick, please please call me back, can you come over to me and do my hair? i go back outside, finish helping darrin and come back in the house later and theres another message from her, i cant come today julie, i am not having a good day, my legs are numb, my rotator cuff is hurting me, i am dizzy .... on and on and on, well i think to myself, no way am i going to rescue my mom or contribute to her slow suicide, the reason for the complaints of her dizziness in my opinion is she is on too many drugs and i found out on the visit to her on her birthday that she is taking tranquilzers and that means she is not working her program of re covery and she is using again. she knew i was coming over as i had just called her to confirm, and when i knocked on the door and rang the door bell many times, she didnt answer, i got kinda worried so i called her phone and she finally came to the door and i couldnt believe how bad she looked, all hunched over in a bloody nightgown from her habit of self mutilization from picking sores.
when i sat down the coffee table was full of medicine bottles for which i asked her, couldnt some of these drugs be eliminated? then i noticed a post it note on the table with the name of a drug, i asked her what it was and i recognized it as from the benzodiazipine family and she said she had been taking that drug 3 times a day for a year!!!!! i told her that benzo's are worse to withdraw off of than vicodin and oxycontin could ever be and you CANNOT stop them cold turkey for that drug is known to cause seizures and it must be weaned off slowly.
i am sorry if this e mail appears to be a complaint session about my mom, because i truly did not intend it to be and i am sure you are both aware of the pitiful situation my mom is in, it is intended to be my way of clarifying what truly did occur concerning her hair appt because i know my mom and i feel she may come to your house on thanksgiving and may say that her hair looks awful because julie wont cut my hair with linda and maybe my dad adding their untrue comments.
i still have alot more work to do on my part because i am allowing them free rent in my head and always am put in a situation to be put on the defense. my program teaches me that i have to be honest, openminded and willing, so this is my honesty part.
thats the end of that email.
so fast forward to what now has happened.
her last call to me went like this. julie, are you there? pick up the phone, ok, i guess we are gonna play this game again, huh? i tried to tell you i am sick, if anyone knows about being sick it should be you, if i havent heard from you by tonight, then i know all ties are severed. this is where i am stuck... is she manipulating me into thinking that the ball is in my court? so i am the one who severed the ties by not calling her back? so now she can think that she had nothing to do with this upcoming estrangement??? i know i did the right thing, it was soooo hard for me not to pick up the phone and get my brownie point with her.
despite how many times i tell myself, julie, you did not do anything wrong... this nasty feeling of its my fault is heavy on my heart today. she LOVES to make you feel guilty and today i cannot live a normal life because i always feel guilty, i am projecting here thinking i know i will regret this as i stand at her gravesite, i love my mom, and arent all daughters supposed to help their parents??/ but I CAN'T!! I am now put into the situation where i have to walk away and dimiss myself from my family. it is time to think of julies mental and physical health, thanks for letting me share. jewels
ooooohhhh...julie, can i relate to everything you just posted.

first, i want to say....you have my permission to never call your mother again if you feel that is the best thing for you. i want to reiterate, as you know from your program....taking care of you is the first and foremost thing in life. whatever it takes for YOU to be healthy is what you need to do.

i hear you say you love your mother...and i hear me say the same thing...but i do not love the person my mother is. there are things about her that i admire, but there are things about her that hurt me badly...continue to hurt me...and i just have to keep it out of my head.

here is how i deal with it....(to begin with, i moved 1000 miles from home, lol).
but before the move...i would not be in her company unless i was feeling top notch. totally positive, refused to discuss the dark, or morose, or negative in any way. when in her company i stay very busy. at her home, i am cleaning, cooking, picking up....doing, always doing. sitting and talking is dangerous territory for us.

i have to remember that her opinion of me has more to do with her illness than my personality or behavior...and i try to leave it behind.

julie...i only was able to do this after one full year of separation from her. that was in 1996. when i allowed her back into my life, it was on my terms somewhat...not totally, LOL. i am glad because i had 10 quality years with my papa. and i care for her, but her situation is beyond my control. let it serve as an example that the choices we make along the way, are the sum total of what it will be when we are old, and your mother is living the reward of her choices.

i have compassion for my mother...mental illness is so difficult, but i cannot take responsibility for it, because it makes me sick too. i try and do what i can for her, within my boundaries, and i have to let the rest go. i would not have learned how to do that without coming to terms with the difference between nonattachment and detachment. i know i have said this before...but there is a huge difference.

i have something i want to share with you. this comes from my yoga readings and it is talking about non attachment. specifically, how to avoid emotional disturbances. it is simple, brilliant, i hope it helps.

where there is happiness, one should be friendly;
where there is misery; one should be compassionate;
where there is virtue; one should rejoice;
and where there is wickedness, one should be indifferent.

it goes on to say that thoughts, emotions, and deeds that go beyond these precepts...like anger, resentment, indignation, guilt....go against ethical precepts and result in pain and ignorance.

i hope you can find a way to know nothing she says, does, feels, etc. has anything to do with you. take care of yourself julie. you don't have to stay in that game. step out of that wheel and be free!

good luck,

sarah
Dear Julie ~

This is part of a message I posted a few years ago on this site to a member who posted almost the same things you have written in this message.

While reading your message, it reminded of this story written by Melody Beattie titled "Family Buttons." When I was new to recovery, being around certain family members was onerous, to say the least. As a matter of fact, today I realize that there are certain family members I don't like being around, so I don't go around them! And that's ok. ;)

The vast majority of my relationships up until this point, were spent during times when I was loaded or they were loaded too. My family put the "fun" in dysfunction! I didn't know myself clean, much less have the finesse or tact to get to know someone else while clean. I spent a lot of time in meetings and when we did have a family get together, if I made the decision to attend, I made sure I had touched base with my sponsor before and after spending time with with certain family members.

With recovery, Julie, dealing with family or other problems gets easier. And part of that ease is the awareness of what I'm feeling. Anytime my head and gut don't match, something is usually awry. It is precisely at that time when it's good if I remember to ask the God of my understanding how He would see this perceived problem. The answer is always the same: through the eyes of Love.

Love to me means the nurturing of myself and another to higher spiritual plane and there have been times when I have had to Love people from afar, because I realize that by being in their presence is not nurturing myself. It took me some time to learn to Love myself and until I could learn that, it was difficult for me to Love others. When I allowed myself the the time to learn to respond lovingly to those close to me that I was having problems with, I became proactive instead of reactive.

Way to go, gal! Recovery sure looks good on you!

Hugs -

Sammy

_________

Family Buttons

"I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to
start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to." anonymous

Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members?

Who, besides family members, do we give such power?

No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

Sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. We can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame."
sarah and sammy, what a gift you two are to me, such intelligent women, so full of wisdom. i have been so blessed to have met you along this road i trod.
thank you for your input. i value the great advice given.
we had no internet yesterday, and i am finally getting back to this post.
i guess it was a good thing that the internet was down as i was able to focus on the thanksgiving day preparations.
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julie...i only was able to do this after one full year of separation from her

this will be our third estrangement from one another, we went one year apart in 1996 too, last year from nov to june and now the present one.
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While reading your message, it reminded of this story written by Melody Beattie titled "Family Buttons."

oh, how i can relate to melody, she wrote those books for me, it was when i read her book: "co-dependant no more" is when i opened the first door to my recovery.
i hadn't addressed my drug issues at that point yet, but learning how i was so co-dependant, attending CODA meetings and getting a sponsor was such a key component for me to address and did it ever help!!
its so funny how God works in mysterious ways...
CODA hardly exists anymore and that is sad as there are many people afflicted, we would sit in a meeting of maybe 3 or 4 of us and wonder where all the co-dependant people in our city were and why they weren't with us!
i at that time had only attended an alanon meeting or two and was so scared to walk thru those doors as some us always are at first, and they were all complete strangers to me, then i couldn't help but notice this woman sitting across from me who had the most tender eyes and i could feel her compassion.
later on as time progressed, this woman started to "put me under her wing" , kinda felt like a mother/daughter thing and i asked her to be my sponsor, as we shared with one another and i tell her about my mother woes and that was back in 1996, come to find out, she knows and worked with my mother!!! so now we really started to click.
she shared with me how mean my mom was to work with and could relate to everything i shared to her concerning my moms personality.
i kept thinking to myself, if my mom and sister (who also worked there too) knew that this person was my sponsor and it was SHE that gave me the encouragement to something i had no idea about......
my sponsor then, taught me about BOUNDARIES!! its funny how all 3 estrangements between my mom and i all were in nov. and how i went thru the holidays with so many feelings of guilt, hurt, and despair.
i can remember that phone conversation with her, where i was sitting, like it happened yesterday, i told her,"i can't do what your suggesting!" she was like, "Yes you can" and i said to her."show me how"
after her suggestions, i was so scared i thought i would die, i picked up the phone and made that infamous phone call, my mom answers and i said to her,"mom, i am not having the family over this year for the holidays", then i went on to explain how i rolled out the red carpet for everyone and how i was always left to feel dissappointed at my families behavior, how i exhausted myself to please everyone and i CAN"T do this anymore,
she was pissed and said a comment like, when you can accept the things you cannot change, call me, and hung up, a few days later a white envelope from her arrived and inside it was a blank piece of paper for which i opened to find her check i had sent her for her birthday.
i stood firm and then a year later, 2 Christmas cards arrived to my sons where she explains that she is just giving money to them as she just had a back operation and couldnt go shopping. it was her subtle way of of letting me know she had surgery and it left me feeling like the bad daughter again because i had to set this boundary with her and wasn't there for her.
we later ended up speaking with one another and we decided to try again with each other and she wanted to get together with me, i asked her, why not come to church and see the childrens Christmas program? normally she would of blown off that invite, but she knew that the ball was in her court now, and here i am in my childlike wonder, all excited to see my mom again and so blessed to know that we would reunite with one another in the house of the Lord! it did go good, she was there and afterwards she came back to the house and we opened some Christmas gifts. i thought, all problems solved. little did i know, what would come.
so here we are today 11 years later and she has severed all ties, i hate that word severed, it hurts so bad. and if anyone could help me with this as it plays over and over in my head, she is sooooo good at manipulating things and the way she ended that last phone message: "if i haven't heard from you by tonight (an ultimatum on her part) then THEN I WILL KNOW all ties are severed.'
see, its like she's leaving it up to me, like if i dont call back and suck up, then its your fault that our realtionship is severed. i haven't been able to erase that message, i keep playing it over and over and i want to record it and let my counselor hear it.
i know what the answer here is,LET IT GO but i haven't learned the skills on how to do that, i have prayed to God to handle it, guide me and direct me.
i guess all of this pain just brings me closer and i must go thru this to advance to the next step. i keep envisioning in my head, standing at her gravesite thinking, why? why mom did we have to go thru this.why?
melody beatties book, the language of letting go, which is a daily inspirational book, tell me to write it down, and let it go.
so i have written a letter to my mom, making her aware of how she has canceled all her hair appts in the past, and its funny that as i went back on a journal i have, that on july 3rd this past year, i had written: mom canceled her hair appt with me and they were the SAME excuses she had used last sunday, the same symptoms of the "i'm sick" game. then i wrote how i was affirmative as to how this will not happen again in the future.
ok, thats enough for today, its good to be able to put all this out here and not drug it away.
i have 2 choices, either waller all day in pity mode or get up and be grateful for what i am blessed with this thanksgiving and get the grub on the table! i think i will choose the latter,my sons are salvitating! i 'm making all their favorites!
at least i know all my efforts will be appreciated. love jewels
Jewels
God bless u and ur family.......
thinking of u..........
((((((((((((Big hugs)))))))))))
Thumper
Julie...this is the first chance I've had to sit down and really read your words... you have a lot to say and I appreciate the way you say it.

I just want you to know that you aren't alone. You could have been writing about my mom in a lot of ways. We can't fix our parents. We can't control thier situations. Anymore than they can ours. We have to let go. It's a hard lesson for me to learn right now with my mom but if I don't, I will get sucked into the madness right along with her. All you can do is love her. You can't change her, she is never going to be the mom you want. When you see her, look at it as just visiting her and loving her. Not as trying to get her to act a certain way. She can't help who she is. She has a disease, just like you. All you can do is work on yourself and be grateful for the time you have left with her. It's hard honey, I know. But if you don't take care of yourself, you'll be no good to anyone else. I think you are so right in keeping those healthy bounderies. And if others don't accept or understand that, then that's on them. You have no control over other's feelings. Take care....Lisa
thank you lisa and thumper,sammy and sarah for your most gentle kind posts to me.
when i write my LONG posts, i sometimes feel like all i do is complain, yet on the other hand people post back and say that hey, i understand... that has happened to me too.
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When you see her, look at it as just visiting her and loving her

i truly have tried that before and she just continues to come back at me with rude comments or remarks, and knowing how stubborn she can be, i doubt i will ever get the chance to do that again, severed, i hate that word, i could just bawl my eyes out over that comment.
i dont know guys, this recovery thing is really getting tough, not the drug part, the changing of my thinking and perceptions.
i thought i'd turn the other cheek and be kind on thanksgiving to husband, who you all know about the wonderful man he is, it killed me to be gracious for i thought that being angry and mean back to him is only putting a stand still on me getting this recovery thing. it blew up in my face.
the adversaries really try to attack me, especially on holidays, i get a phone call from my estranged sister and she wishes me a happy thanksgiving on the answer machine, that just put me in a tail spin, every single time i let down a boundary, i get stung!
so i havent answered her back and i dont know how to.
last thanksgiving i kicked my husbands butt out for watching women exercising on tv. you would think that maybe a healthy person would have on the parade or the football game, no, it was his way of watching soft porn upstairs around us, he now has been demoted to the basement which i call the porn den,.
this year, i thought we had made progress, he was watching football with our youngest son and thats when i offered him some pie and he was eating my traditional chex mix, last year he wore it!
so with that pleasant environment going on, i set a beautiful table for four and my youngest son cooked 80% percent of the meal as i directed him on what to do because i have been in so much pain with ankles and hips. my oldest son is outside turning our home into a Christmas winter wonderland, all those wonderful blessings, both sons cleaned the entire kitchen afterwards too! God bless those boys.
just to update here, women have been calling his cell, and he sleeps somewhere on the nights he doesn't come home.
and one time when i called his cell, a woman answered it wanting to know who in the h*ll i was.
so about 15 min before we all are ready to sit down to this huge feast, he starts pacing back and forth puts on some cologne and aks me how much longer til dinners ready. i said around 15 min or so, this is at the most hectic part of the meal, everythings coming out of the oven, all the side dishes need to go in... i am trying to stay calm, and then i asked him, why? are you going somewhere? he says that he is going to the tavern, all his friends are there and there will be food there, i wanted to explode! but i said just leave, and he walked out knowing now he was justified in going, my gut feeling begs to differ on that one.
so this is where i am still stuck, so much is coming at me, with the fight from my mom, my sister and as usual, my husband, hoping we could be civil to one another and live at peace in our home. i had tried the opposite this year, i was on the turn the other cheek campaign and i have learned yet another lesson.i know the answer here, like i have said before, i have finally arrived at the acceptance stage that my marriage is over, yet i did have a glimmer of hope, but that has been diffused again. when will i ever learn?
this forum has gotton me this far today, and i know that God is going to guide and direct my path. once again, thanks for letting me share. love jewels
oh, lisa, one more thing.
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She can't help who she is. She has a disease

does the disease of addiction cause all the hateful actions and remarks too? because if it does than maybe i can put this in a different perspective. thanks
If she's an addict like you say she is, then yes, this disease causes all kinds of personality disorders. Being hateful and mean could also be because of her pain and dislike of herself. She sounds like a very unhappy, unhealthy person. That's on her though. You can't do anything to make her happy. It's a losing battle and it's best for you to take care of your feelings now. I just smile and nod when my mother starts in. I agree with whatever she's talking about, even if it's hateful. Because then, I can go home knowing that I didn't cause anymore hate and discontent. I was a good person, I was the better person. And you know what? It is reallllllllyyyy hard for me to not lash out or talk back. It's not in my nature to be quiet. But I've learned that it doesn't help anymore, it doesn't make a difference anymore. I have to take care of me now. Just let go Julie. You can't control the people around you, you can only control how you react to it. xxoo
Julie:

I just wanted you to know that I read this thread and I want to give you a word or two of love and support. I want to think about it before I type anything though.

I will say this now though....I wish you could easily give all the love and consideration you bestow on others to yourself first. You deserve it most, and not only do you deserve it.....you need it. (I need it, we all need it!!!!)

Be your own best friend Jules. That is what I am praying for tonight!

I am grateful for your boys! Good to know nice men are being raised!!!!!! The world sure needs more of that!

I will write you tomorrow. Hope you are resting well now!

Sarah
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I wish you could easily give all the love and consideration you bestow on others to yourself first. You deserve it most, and not only do you deserve it.....you need it. (I need it, we all need it!!!!)

oh sarah how so true that comment is, i wish i knew how to answer that one. i question myself all the time, do i love me? can i think i mean it when i say yes? but then i start that beating myself up campaign again and then i have to say to myself, whoa! stop!
a counselor once told me to visually take that little girl julie out of herself and sit her on your knee and she said i want to love that little girl, tell her how sweet she is and how sorry you are for how she got hurt and how i hurt her too, caress, talk softly to her too.
i think i have made some progress in that dept as i was my worst enemy.
thank you my sweet angel for bringing me to that awareness today, i need those reminders. love jewels