Well I am starting day 1 again!! I have to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to be on methadone,I am not doing cold turkey! It's just the depression that I f***ing hate,feeling like without gear I've got nothing feeling like its the only good thing in my life even though its destroying my soul,how can I feel like that when I've got 2 beautiful babies?? Think I'll walk the dog soon with the boys it will make me feel better to get some fresh air then I can go to chemist and get my script aswell.seeing my new drug worker again tomorrow she is seriously unsympathetic she is convinced that if I'm a junkie and a mother that I can't do both well she thinks that I'm shooting up in front of kids and she said "don't go in your neck,wrists or groin" and when I said I haven't ever she didn't believe me!! But its really weird cos now I wanna get clean just to prove her wrong!!!! as if I would have my boys anywhere near drugs,I'm the junkie not them.ha! It is miserable outside! Typical!! Aww my little staffy pup is sat by my side,he always knows when I'm down and he's always there!! Well I will write again in a bit...I CAN do this!! I've done it before....
#This games lessons in your eyes to see,though things change the futures still inside of me,you must remember that tomorrow comes after the dark and you will always be in my heart with unconditional love....# Tupac Shakur
#I think we can make it,in fact I'm sure,And if you fall,stand tall and come back for more# 2pac
Well I saw my new worker again,I think I misjudged her.she seems to be really trying to help me and although I loved my old worker she didn't encourage me to get clean very much.I really,really am trying and I wanted my new worker to understand that.I just can't cope very well with the depression,I cry for no reason well other than the fact that I feel crap anyway,just gotta ride the storm out..
You can do it..get to some meetings and take a proactive approach. Fake it till you make it!
I would really like to go to a meeting but in my area there is only 1, its half 7 on a Tuesday night.I don't think I could get any1 to have the kids? If I ask my dad he'll be like "why do u need to go to NA ur clean" I can't tell him I'm not,I could say I'm at college but I font want to lie and I'm scared of seeing someone I know.I've asked my worker if I can see her weekly instead of fortnightly I just feel better knowing I can see her every week and hopefully by nxt Friday I'll have some progress 2 tell her about,gonna take the kids to the park I feel at peace when I can watch the kids and the dog play!! This time last week Callum was 8,what a good day.I paid a small fortune for his Lego batcave and then I had to build it! Definitely drew the short straw there!! But he loves it,and he got a bmx aswell his new pride and joy,watchin him on that reminds me just how grown up he's getting! Cain has just learnt to ride his bike without stabilizers(think u call em training wheels),he's only 3 incredibly proud!!
Well that's 2 boys worn out at the park,fed well they're just eating their pudding and then its bath time and hopefully bed but not likely on a weekend!! Lol, and then its cleaning up the house for me the fun never ends!! ;)
Boys sorted,time 2 try and get some sleep.Day 1 nearly over!! Ok so it should be day 3 but still further than I've got in a long time !! Nite all :)
Hi Jenny,
It sounds like you are giving it a good try to stay clean. Make sure your dose of methadone is the right dose for you,get on it,stay on it and give yourself a good amount of clean time behind you before you get all hot about beginning a detox. In my experience,addicts get on methadone maintenance and as soon as they start feeling good,their lives start to be better,everything is going well for them for the first time in forever and all of a sudden they go "OK everything is good it must be time for me to get off this shiit!!!!!" That is the biggest mistake you can make. You dont get addicted overnight. You arent going to fix your life overnight. Everyone is different. Take a deep breath and SLOW DOWN.
You have 2 little boys who need you and probably are quite a handful. If you do things too fast you will fall flat on your face.
If you are on methadone and still using your dose is not high enough or you would not feel the dope you are slamming. Talk to your counselor/drug worker and get to a dose that "holds you" so if you do fix you wont feel it,go to meetings,get rid of all your "equipment". Go to 90 meetings in 90 days if thats what it takes. Attending NA is really good, but as I'm sure you know ,they dont think methadone is a good medicine. In fact they go so far as to tell you that you are not drug free if you are taking it. So........I would keep that part of your recovery under wraps.
It sounds like you are giving it a good try to stay clean. Make sure your dose of methadone is the right dose for you,get on it,stay on it and give yourself a good amount of clean time behind you before you get all hot about beginning a detox. In my experience,addicts get on methadone maintenance and as soon as they start feeling good,their lives start to be better,everything is going well for them for the first time in forever and all of a sudden they go "OK everything is good it must be time for me to get off this shiit!!!!!" That is the biggest mistake you can make. You dont get addicted overnight. You arent going to fix your life overnight. Everyone is different. Take a deep breath and SLOW DOWN.
You have 2 little boys who need you and probably are quite a handful. If you do things too fast you will fall flat on your face.
If you are on methadone and still using your dose is not high enough or you would not feel the dope you are slamming. Talk to your counselor/drug worker and get to a dose that "holds you" so if you do fix you wont feel it,go to meetings,get rid of all your "equipment". Go to 90 meetings in 90 days if thats what it takes. Attending NA is really good, but as I'm sure you know ,they dont think methadone is a good medicine. In fact they go so far as to tell you that you are not drug free if you are taking it. So........I would keep that part of your recovery under wraps.
Well I slept like a baby thanks to tablets the Dr has put me on,and I feel good for doing day 1 my only concern is that my partner didn't sleep at all last night and he is at work today,I'm terrified he will get money off his boss and then want to score,I am not strong enough to say no.He is in court on Tuesday cos about 2 years ago he was arrested for being drunk and disorderly(don't know what the US equivalent is) but because he was drunk and off his head on valium he attacked a cop well anyway he was given a suspended sentence but he had breached his terms and now he will probably go to prison.I'm devastated for myself and the boys but I also think well if were separate then at least we'll get clean,it'll only be for 9 months max but the boys will be confused??
Over here methadone is what every user gets put on so its not quite as taboo as it is in the states but don't get me wrong its still taboo with some,so I will test the water and see how they feel bout a script or dose before I say out,u will have to excuse my British terms and slang for example dope over here is pot(marijuana) so it can get a bit confusing.I don't know what mm is either? Over here we just go to our local chemist for methadone(every chemist does it) after ur doc has given u a script,prescription sorry lol xx
Hey missus!!
Jenny fae York!!Dont worry bout the English and yank language barrier,,i,ve left everyone scratching their nuts on numerous occassions..lol..MM??I think they mean methadone maintenence script,thats all Jenny..Just ask anyone what they mean,,they will not mind,,everyone is fine on here...Apart from us all being mentally ill...lol....
Jenny!!Tell yer Dad the reason ye want to go to a meeting is to stay clean..
It mighta been Grannny that mentioned bout maybe not saying nuthin about yer script just now..There are alot of people at meetings who "Know It All" In actual fact they know fcuk all,,probably been on diferrent drugs from you altogether ..Alot of small minded people dont seem to realise that its actually,,Get on a script!!Or lose your kids!! Simple as that...
Its alot harder for mums,n,no right minded person would want to lose their family..
You will get there Jenny!! If you want to that is,so stick at it babe,n,dont be afraid to ask about anything that is bothering you..You are in a good place on here with people ready and willing to offer help,n,advice at anytime..x..Take care....ECK..x
Jenny fae York!!Dont worry bout the English and yank language barrier,,i,ve left everyone scratching their nuts on numerous occassions..lol..MM??I think they mean methadone maintenence script,thats all Jenny..Just ask anyone what they mean,,they will not mind,,everyone is fine on here...Apart from us all being mentally ill...lol....
Jenny!!Tell yer Dad the reason ye want to go to a meeting is to stay clean..
It mighta been Grannny that mentioned bout maybe not saying nuthin about yer script just now..There are alot of people at meetings who "Know It All" In actual fact they know fcuk all,,probably been on diferrent drugs from you altogether ..Alot of small minded people dont seem to realise that its actually,,Get on a script!!Or lose your kids!! Simple as that...
Its alot harder for mums,n,no right minded person would want to lose their family..
You will get there Jenny!! If you want to that is,so stick at it babe,n,dont be afraid to ask about anything that is bothering you..You are in a good place on here with people ready and willing to offer help,n,advice at anytime..x..Take care....ECK..x
Hi Jenny,
I wanted to respond to you yesterday but I just quit smoking (cigarettes) and Im having a hard time focusing and Im a little miserable. LOL!
You are doing really good. Be proud of yourself. It is so hard and Im glad you have the methadone. I cant imagine a mom doing it any other way...well Im sure there are some that have but UGH! I kicked cold turkey in jail. I could have never done that in the real world. I was so sick. How would I have cared for my kids or anything else for that matter?
Be careful being in a relationship with someone who uses, especially if you used together. My husband and I tried to stay sober and in a relationship for years. He would go to jail, I would get clean, stay home, be the happy little wife waiting for him to come home....and Im not blaming him. This was just my pattern. He would come home, be great, get a job, work hard help around the house......but after a few paychecks I would feel the change. He would get high and I would follow right behind. Not being with him is really hard. Hes was in prison for a while, but when he got out I told him he would have to get like a year clean before I wanted to see him...It was so hard. I felt guilty and mean. But I had to put MY sobriety and my family first for once. I never want to leave my kids again. He called all the time, but he didnt make it and I did not hear from him in a while and now hes back in jail. Im happy he is. At least I know he is safe.
I dont really have much more to say. I feel like I should go to bed so I stop thinking about smoking. :)
Remember: you are doing great and your worth it! And there are people here cheering you on!
((HUGS)) Jessi
I wanted to respond to you yesterday but I just quit smoking (cigarettes) and Im having a hard time focusing and Im a little miserable. LOL!
You are doing really good. Be proud of yourself. It is so hard and Im glad you have the methadone. I cant imagine a mom doing it any other way...well Im sure there are some that have but UGH! I kicked cold turkey in jail. I could have never done that in the real world. I was so sick. How would I have cared for my kids or anything else for that matter?
Be careful being in a relationship with someone who uses, especially if you used together. My husband and I tried to stay sober and in a relationship for years. He would go to jail, I would get clean, stay home, be the happy little wife waiting for him to come home....and Im not blaming him. This was just my pattern. He would come home, be great, get a job, work hard help around the house......but after a few paychecks I would feel the change. He would get high and I would follow right behind. Not being with him is really hard. Hes was in prison for a while, but when he got out I told him he would have to get like a year clean before I wanted to see him...It was so hard. I felt guilty and mean. But I had to put MY sobriety and my family first for once. I never want to leave my kids again. He called all the time, but he didnt make it and I did not hear from him in a while and now hes back in jail. Im happy he is. At least I know he is safe.
I dont really have much more to say. I feel like I should go to bed so I stop thinking about smoking. :)
Remember: you are doing great and your worth it! And there are people here cheering you on!
((HUGS)) Jessi
Oh well done on the smoking I tried to stop smoking last time I got clean but I only lasted 4 days! Well I'm on day 3 now (had a few setbacks) but furthest I've got for months.it's payday 2day so it will be a challenging day for me but if I stay strong I'll be clean 2moro,no heroin in my system!!! Doc has put me on amitriptyline 2 help me sleep any1 bin on em before?? They are helpin and I'm stable on my methadone so only mild w/d's its just my head I've gotta deal with,but so far so good.my partner is doing his w/d's aswell so he's in bed feelin sorry 4 himself but some of us have kids 2 look after and college so no such luxury 4 me lol,yes jessi u are rite I can barely move when I'm in full withdrawal and feel like I'm dying could deffo not look after kids and house etc.I am getting there thanks 2 my methadone,if I didn't have it I prob wud be in the gutter rite now,with no kids or house 2 speak of...wasn't gonna go 2 college 2day but it kills 4hrs of the day bringing me closer 2 day 4!! Thank u all 4 ur continuous support-we may be miles away in distance but we are side by side in our recovery love and respect :)
Day 4 and I can officially say I'M CLEAN!!! No more heroin in my system! Always makes me feel better when I get past day 3 and I made it thru a payday without scoring :D
Was feeling so good yesterday,really positive went to the coast with my mum and the boys,it was freezing (this is the north of England after all) but it was a lovely day.when I got home Craig (my bf) had been at a loose end with me going out all day,although he did choose not to come so he went to pub because he had a drink when I got home he had scored,I told myself I wasn't going to have any cos I was on such a high with my progress but even before I had had some I felt dissapointed in myself cos I knew I would have some and I regretted it instantly and I am now furious,furious with him and more so furious with myself.I didn't need it,I wasn't ill and boys were in bed so I should of just gone to bed myself...I got nothing from it,I never ever do high tolerance or just s*** stuff probably the latter.I suppose I'm making progress of some sort I couldn't get past day 1 but then I did 2 days before relapsing,then 4 but I just don't think me and Craig can do it together,I need time to get strong so if he does slip up I can say no.anyway feeling pretty low at moment :(
Jenny, That's a tough one when you and your partner use together. I have heard it can be done except for some it just can't. It will always be distrust, anger, resentment. You yourself have done such a good job. Four days is a big deal at that. You made it for a day out with your kids and your mom. Is there any way that Craig and you can seperate for a bit? Is it financially feasible? Can you do it mentally and heartfelt if so? You will do what is right for you and your boys. Let Craig do what is right for Craig. You need to take care of you first. You have done real well. Stay well.
Jenny..I've been keeping up with your story every day and you have moved me to tears..I can feel your struggle honey.
Boot the boyfriend. As long as he is in your home and isn't trying to get clean, makes it that much harder for you and isn't is hard enough? You are worth this you know, your boys are worth this. You all deserve a life that doesn't include drugs or a boyfriend who is still doing them in your home. This has to be about you now, time to get a little selfish and realize that in order to raise healthy, well adjusted children, you can't do drugs and have to take care of yourself. Look how well you did for 4 days until he came into the picture? Not blaming him but you aren't strong enough to say no to drugs just yet. You have such a perfect opportunity to do it right this time. Good drug counselors who want to help. Medicines that can support you through the worst of the withdrawals and help you stabilize. Don't throw all of that away. Sometimes we don't get to start over again. Sometimes we've used up all of our chances. Don't do that to your kids or yourself.
Keep posting...you have people here who care.
Boot the boyfriend. As long as he is in your home and isn't trying to get clean, makes it that much harder for you and isn't is hard enough? You are worth this you know, your boys are worth this. You all deserve a life that doesn't include drugs or a boyfriend who is still doing them in your home. This has to be about you now, time to get a little selfish and realize that in order to raise healthy, well adjusted children, you can't do drugs and have to take care of yourself. Look how well you did for 4 days until he came into the picture? Not blaming him but you aren't strong enough to say no to drugs just yet. You have such a perfect opportunity to do it right this time. Good drug counselors who want to help. Medicines that can support you through the worst of the withdrawals and help you stabilize. Don't throw all of that away. Sometimes we don't get to start over again. Sometimes we've used up all of our chances. Don't do that to your kids or yourself.
Keep posting...you have people here who care.
Nae messin wi the cowgirl thats fr sure!!
Get shot of him..To be honest most people ave known from hear fr over a couple of years have all been down that road at some particular time in their lives,myself included,,The end result is usually the same,must be the biggest singles
club on the planet..lol....
Good luck whatever you choose to do..ECK..
Get shot of him..To be honest most people ave known from hear fr over a couple of years have all been down that road at some particular time in their lives,myself included,,The end result is usually the same,must be the biggest singles
club on the planet..lol....
Good luck whatever you choose to do..ECK..
When I got out of jail I had all my ducks in a row. I went to every meeting I could while in there and read every book. I stayed clean for almost 5 years. During that time I got married and had my life in pretty good order......so I thought. I stopped going to meetings a little at a time..I thought I didnt need them...after all I'd been clean for almost 5 years.
One day my husband came home from work,(he had been driving about 120 miles one way) and had wound up buying some dope. It took me all of 2 minutes to talk myself into using, there was no hesitation. I felt like shiit after I did and within the next couple of months we sold everything we had spent the last 4 1/2 years rebuilding our lives with for money for dope. That last run only lasted about 5 mos but it was the worst 5 mos than in all the time I had used before. I was feeling so guilty. I got to where I would rather be dead than to feel the way I was & I tried to commit suicide. Came extremely close, I was in the hospital on a respirator for a few days after they pumped me full of charcoal.
I have been clean many years now but each time you use you have a harder time trying to find your way back to staying clean. Hopefully one day you will be in a place where you can stay clean,but staying with someone like your boyfriend, who doesnt seem ready to quit and doesnt care whether you have kids or not or what hes doing to you is someone you need to be far far away from. Like Cowgirl said, you need to be selfish. I know that in itself can be hard,we take care of other people real well but when it comes to us personally its really hard. I had to LEARN to say NO.
THAT will not help ME stay clean.
You also know,I'm sure that you cant use your kids as a reason to get and stay clean. YOU have to want it for YOURSELF. If you dont,you WILL FAIL.
Good luck.
Granny
One day my husband came home from work,(he had been driving about 120 miles one way) and had wound up buying some dope. It took me all of 2 minutes to talk myself into using, there was no hesitation. I felt like shiit after I did and within the next couple of months we sold everything we had spent the last 4 1/2 years rebuilding our lives with for money for dope. That last run only lasted about 5 mos but it was the worst 5 mos than in all the time I had used before. I was feeling so guilty. I got to where I would rather be dead than to feel the way I was & I tried to commit suicide. Came extremely close, I was in the hospital on a respirator for a few days after they pumped me full of charcoal.
I have been clean many years now but each time you use you have a harder time trying to find your way back to staying clean. Hopefully one day you will be in a place where you can stay clean,but staying with someone like your boyfriend, who doesnt seem ready to quit and doesnt care whether you have kids or not or what hes doing to you is someone you need to be far far away from. Like Cowgirl said, you need to be selfish. I know that in itself can be hard,we take care of other people real well but when it comes to us personally its really hard. I had to LEARN to say NO.
THAT will not help ME stay clean.
You also know,I'm sure that you cant use your kids as a reason to get and stay clean. YOU have to want it for YOURSELF. If you dont,you WILL FAIL.
Good luck.
Granny
Hello people!! Well I've been thru a rite rollercoaster of emotions this week,what I am struggling with is,I thort (naively) that once I stopped using I would have money but u always find money 2 score u swallow ur pride and u borrow,borrow,borrow to fund ur habit but now I'm clean my pride has returned and I'm not driven to getting money everyday so I am skint and fed up and sometimes I think wots the point but I keep tellin myself it WILL get better but it will take time after every addiction there is an aftermath (when ur using drugs u get money and don't even think about or worry how ur gonna pay it all back) then when ur clean suddenly there are all ur problems staring u in the face.so yes I'm skint and in debt but I've got a debt management company taking over my finances so it will get sorted,and today its payday and I have money to do a big shop,instead of going shopping knowing I've gotta save money 2 score! I did my first clean sample 2day!!! And I nearly scored last nite but I didn't!! I completely understand wot ur all saying bout Craig but I maybe haven't painted him in a very good light,he does really want to get clean and he is a brilliant father but he is the weaker out of the 2 of us but he hasn't had a drink(its a trigger for both of us) again since he slipped up last time.I am getting stronger I dropped the boys at school and when I was walking home with 2 users( 2 other mums from school) and they said "were scoring are u??" I said no and walked away with 110 in my pocket! I used 2 go to 1 of there houses on payday and use but now I stay well away.I am doing this for the boys but most of all I wanna do it for myself.the weather is gorgeous over here at the moment,(we don't get much of it) and I have been enjoying the sunshine with Callum and Cain its been brilliant! I have all my needles locked up in a lock box but I can't face throwing them out not cos I wanna keep em but I just don't wanna see em at all but maybe I should just bite the bullet?? Anyway thank u all so much for ur love and support,u don't know how much it has helped me and although its baby steps I'm getting there slowly but surely...<3
