Short , and to the point.I got bak on methadone about 1 week and 1/2 ago. i was gonna go w sub, but its too complicated and expensive at the clinic. i had been on it for about 7 years, detoxed and finally withdrew off the last 15 mgs (the last 20mgs were the worse). This was about 4 years ago, maybe 5. New state, no connex, no H in this part of the state without looking. but i never really quit, quit drugs. I remember shortly after wds over, and moved from ala to fla, copping some crack on the corner , gettin somethin tobreak it down with, and shooting it. It was literally ok for less then 2 seconds. i wasnt all that worried cause it wasnt opiates. well i eventually got a job where every friday everyone would hang around the office and drink & a guy would sell powder. everytime , it pretty much sucked. i concluded that either what they thought they were getting they werent, or it just didnt work on me anymore. Now when i think of it, i dont care. as time went on i pretty much developed connections without trying. i tried to keepthem not first hand. after i can guess about 1 year of occasional use, maybe 2 years of continuous (which i had thought was 3 months of occasional) i went to a therapist to get help. went thru wds, started going to 12 step programs, all was going well, when, slip sliddin,thishappened a few times, then he referred me to intensive outcareor whatever. they also were involved in 12 step. (i dont know- maybe it was about a year or less ago that i started this trying to recover.) After about 2 or 3 relapses ago, the shrink suggested i get back on methadone. I dont know if any of u remember me talking about that. I told him i was going to take one more roll at clean and sober, and he advised me that he really hopes it works, but i am putting myself in serious jeopardy (legal, job, health, etc, etc) and if i had gotten to the point were when i taske methadone, i don't use drugs, it's time for me to just live. Well since that time i have gone thru atleast 2 mini major relapses, getting more dangerous because i really looked forward to injectable drugs, i had to come to an understanding of me, methadone , its positives, its negatives, and make a choice. To add to all this, my depression was getting more and more severre (part of this brought on by external circumstances- but knowing that does not do much.)
I decided that it is time for me to live again, the best way that i know how. it turns out that this methadone clinic is actually a treatment center with adults as counselors. They are not like try county, where they just want to rope in and hook as many people as they can.
The way things are for me right now: I look forward to getting up each day, am genuinely enthusiatic about helping build up this new company a work for,and i see the definite possiblilty of making more then get by money in the not too far future.
I am toying in my brain with the idea of something i have not attempted to do (and have never actually done) since college: write a book.
I am alivee, I thank G-d for life, I play with my son more.
This was a very difficult decision, which took me over a year to reach. I think it is the right one. A couple downsides: 1) it is expensive, $12.00 a day, but as u all know, it was nothing to me to buy15 10 vikes (here they r $) which i am told is a good deal, enuff to last 2 ays, only to do them all the 1st. (2) the biggest downside is i cant tell my wife. To some people that makes me a liar. When u r in a situation where telling the truth willbring an onslaught of continuous problems, and that anything i do (like defend myself from her ongoing criticism of me, because i am me) will be blamed on the methatdone. The list goes on and on, but the bottom line is i can't tell her, now, or if we end up getting divorced, ever.
good story. Thanks for writing that. It sounds like you are on the right track. I'm on day 4 off oxy but had years of Alcoholism. I'm somewhat "active" in AA and it sounds like you were into some 12 step stuff too. All I can say is that i have never...ever meet anyone in 12 step meetings that did better w/out the "program" in their lives. i wish it were different but i really have no examples to fall back on otherwise. I have to face the fact that i have to keep it in my life and make it a priority and everything else will work out. I hate that and it sucks but s*** I'm sick and that's the only way I know. I'm probably out of order on this and might be haveing a late 4th day pink cloud but hell I'll take what i can get.
Good luck
Good luck
i might still go to some na,im not sure. i know its a good thing for a lot of people
Hey dog, does this mean you plan to be on a maintance program permanently? By no means am I being critical, I just thought I read that once, that methodone should be the last house on the block and used by someone who plans to stay on it. I hope it works out for you. You sound pretty positive. I think we all just have to do what's best for us and take control of our lives and our recovery whatever way we can. From what you've written it looks like you've tried your best other ways. I would assume methodone would be better than the alternative. Good luck to you and if you ever come back to Ala look me up, lol. Love, Kat
Dog, or Rev. Harold Harold, I would really encourage you to write the book; with the turtles and dog's help, that is.
You have to do what you have to do. I would have thought that sub would be a safer choice, but I understand it might be difficult for you to get...
Thanks for keeping us informed, and I am sending peace vibes your way...
kerry
You have to do what you have to do. I would have thought that sub would be a safer choice, but I understand it might be difficult for you to get...
Thanks for keeping us informed, and I am sending peace vibes your way...
kerry
dog,
i know how hard that was for yuo to do, and i am super proud of you and i know you are doing what it is you have to do. i know and have followed along with your trials and struggles. this does seem to be your last house on the block. you just make sure you stick to the plan. cause i care alot about you as well as alot of others here. no matter what your choice is, its better then the alternative. you get a big ole hug from me. everyone has thier own way of getting to thier goals. from what i have read you exhausted all your other options and you are happy with your choice so there for you get no crap from me and i am happy for you especially if you are happy ((((((((HUGS)))))))) i look forward to your book. you are an awesome writer with lots of creativity and tons of life's experiences. as far as your wife, well you know whats best and with time things may be different and you will know when the time comes to face the music and again we will all be here for you when that happens : ) keep up the amazing progress. you are one of a kind. i am blessed to know you. meetings would be a wise decision but again only you know when you will be ready to take the next step. my prayers are with you. thanks for sharing with us. i am proud of you for putting that out there. great job buddy.
loves and hugs
terrianne
i know how hard that was for yuo to do, and i am super proud of you and i know you are doing what it is you have to do. i know and have followed along with your trials and struggles. this does seem to be your last house on the block. you just make sure you stick to the plan. cause i care alot about you as well as alot of others here. no matter what your choice is, its better then the alternative. you get a big ole hug from me. everyone has thier own way of getting to thier goals. from what i have read you exhausted all your other options and you are happy with your choice so there for you get no crap from me and i am happy for you especially if you are happy ((((((((HUGS)))))))) i look forward to your book. you are an awesome writer with lots of creativity and tons of life's experiences. as far as your wife, well you know whats best and with time things may be different and you will know when the time comes to face the music and again we will all be here for you when that happens : ) keep up the amazing progress. you are one of a kind. i am blessed to know you. meetings would be a wise decision but again only you know when you will be ready to take the next step. my prayers are with you. thanks for sharing with us. i am proud of you for putting that out there. great job buddy.
loves and hugs
terrianne
Dog,
I understand you saying that you feel that you might need to be on a maintenace program for life. Its better than using. It will allow you to still live a healthy productive life .
*** My only suggestion is to really reconsider the choice between Sub and Meth.
*** There is a level of sub that you could take which would allow you to live in the same way as meth will. Sub is very ,very powerful.
*** Even though you already started back on the meth 2 weeks ago , its is NOT too late to shift to SUB. Many , many people have shifted from a higher doses of Meth to Sub.
*** I use SUB and its not really that expensive compared to meth. Once you pay for your initial start up appointment. The drug itself will probably cost much less then 12 dollars a day you now spend. Because within a fairly short amount of time , you could be on 1 pill 8 mg . Maybe on a 1/2 of a pill just 4 mg. From what I have read.... Many , many people are on just 2 mg as a long term maintenance dose. It probable comes out to cost less than 1 dollar a mg.
*** And with Sub, you can take it with you and go any where. You would not be prisioner to one treatment center. Even though, it sounds like you found a good one.
*** Please just reconsider. This is a lifetime choice you are making. If you are content with the Meth over the Sub , then you know we will all back you as much as we can . Just give it a another thought.
What ever you decide, I wish you the best.
Jake
I understand you saying that you feel that you might need to be on a maintenace program for life. Its better than using. It will allow you to still live a healthy productive life .
*** My only suggestion is to really reconsider the choice between Sub and Meth.
*** There is a level of sub that you could take which would allow you to live in the same way as meth will. Sub is very ,very powerful.
*** Even though you already started back on the meth 2 weeks ago , its is NOT too late to shift to SUB. Many , many people have shifted from a higher doses of Meth to Sub.
*** I use SUB and its not really that expensive compared to meth. Once you pay for your initial start up appointment. The drug itself will probably cost much less then 12 dollars a day you now spend. Because within a fairly short amount of time , you could be on 1 pill 8 mg . Maybe on a 1/2 of a pill just 4 mg. From what I have read.... Many , many people are on just 2 mg as a long term maintenance dose. It probable comes out to cost less than 1 dollar a mg.
*** And with Sub, you can take it with you and go any where. You would not be prisioner to one treatment center. Even though, it sounds like you found a good one.
*** Please just reconsider. This is a lifetime choice you are making. If you are content with the Meth over the Sub , then you know we will all back you as much as we can . Just give it a another thought.
What ever you decide, I wish you the best.
Jake
Harry, I don't have anything else to add.... go to a meeting. You need all of the support available. Wish I was there to drive you.
Love you buddy
Cowgirl
Love you buddy
Cowgirl
Dog,
I hope you don't mind but I am copying your post and sending it off to someone I know off the board who needs to see what you wrote......I think your words and how you have come to find a way to help yourself may be beneficial.......
Well your are on your way, I know that you wanted to be able to do this all by yourself.....and I do remember you posting that you wanted to give it one last go on your own....But I see this as you not giving up on yourself.
Now you will have a life again........Being able to enjoy your children, your wife, excelling in your job.............and most important being around hopefully for a long time to enjoy a happy future.....
Live for today and try not to worry so much about tomorrow or any decision you have made concerning not telling your wife......It sounds as if you don't want to disappoint her, but in some way I wonder if your afraid that you may just lose one of the good things you have in your life. I know it was a big fear for my husband one that he still worries of everyday......
I wish you all the best and all the joys that this life has to offer.......
Love,
Tina
Oh, can't wait for you to write that book......It will top the bestseller list!
I hope you don't mind but I am copying your post and sending it off to someone I know off the board who needs to see what you wrote......I think your words and how you have come to find a way to help yourself may be beneficial.......
Well your are on your way, I know that you wanted to be able to do this all by yourself.....and I do remember you posting that you wanted to give it one last go on your own....But I see this as you not giving up on yourself.
Now you will have a life again........Being able to enjoy your children, your wife, excelling in your job.............and most important being around hopefully for a long time to enjoy a happy future.....
Live for today and try not to worry so much about tomorrow or any decision you have made concerning not telling your wife......It sounds as if you don't want to disappoint her, but in some way I wonder if your afraid that you may just lose one of the good things you have in your life. I know it was a big fear for my husband one that he still worries of everyday......
I wish you all the best and all the joys that this life has to offer.......
Love,
Tina
Oh, can't wait for you to write that book......It will top the bestseller list!
Thanks for all the kind words. I mean it. Your right, it is the last house on the block, and it might be for life, but at least i can live with it, which isway better then ive been doing.
Funny thing, i had to go to this meeting today, & it was a lot better then i hoped for , or expected. IT was " an introduction to the 12 steps." (I'm thinkin, here we go with this again, can't somebody add or subtract a step.) There was only the counselor, myself & two other people there. It kinda reminded me of this board. He said there are some good na/aa, some bad ones. If u got to a meeting u don't like, just forget it & go to one u do like. DOnt make a big deal of it to yourself, & remember, the one think about the "A's" is they essentially grassroot, and not necessairly, or not even likely, professional drug counselors. Many people view recovery only throught their own experiences.
I'm pretty sure I'm glad i'm going. I know it's early, but i really have absolutely no desire to use. Here they bring up quickly (in my opinion) THey start u at 30 & shoot uup 5 aday to 80. I think that is way too high for most people, but maybe im wrong. By the time i was at 45 irealized (with the half life effect from theday before- i was getting all f'd up & i really didnt want that. (last time i was on this stuff, i think i'd have loved it, because i think i was using it partially as a way to get high) But i really trully, given an absolute free choice, with no fear of what id miss out on tomorrow so i better grab it today,DID NOT WANT THAT. I had them bring me down 5 a day, im back at 30, & im gonna linger between 30 & 35 for a while. Last thing i was interested in was working a program. I just wanted to put it all behind me. Now i might even give that a shot.
Thanks for ur words of encouragement, they mean so much. Whats right for one person, might not be right for another, and what worked wrong before, might work right at a different time, because we, and our motives, and our attitudes change. I think one of my main objectives back then was to get high. I think I got high to stay alive, and lived to get high, orsomething close to that. Now I just want to live to live, i see the beauty and challenges of life before me, and i am excited to fell 'normal"(maybe a little better thn)and now i can actually plan things and accomplish them . Lots of love, Harry
Funny thing, i had to go to this meeting today, & it was a lot better then i hoped for , or expected. IT was " an introduction to the 12 steps." (I'm thinkin, here we go with this again, can't somebody add or subtract a step.) There was only the counselor, myself & two other people there. It kinda reminded me of this board. He said there are some good na/aa, some bad ones. If u got to a meeting u don't like, just forget it & go to one u do like. DOnt make a big deal of it to yourself, & remember, the one think about the "A's" is they essentially grassroot, and not necessairly, or not even likely, professional drug counselors. Many people view recovery only throught their own experiences.
I'm pretty sure I'm glad i'm going. I know it's early, but i really have absolutely no desire to use. Here they bring up quickly (in my opinion) THey start u at 30 & shoot uup 5 aday to 80. I think that is way too high for most people, but maybe im wrong. By the time i was at 45 irealized (with the half life effect from theday before- i was getting all f'd up & i really didnt want that. (last time i was on this stuff, i think i'd have loved it, because i think i was using it partially as a way to get high) But i really trully, given an absolute free choice, with no fear of what id miss out on tomorrow so i better grab it today,DID NOT WANT THAT. I had them bring me down 5 a day, im back at 30, & im gonna linger between 30 & 35 for a while. Last thing i was interested in was working a program. I just wanted to put it all behind me. Now i might even give that a shot.
Thanks for ur words of encouragement, they mean so much. Whats right for one person, might not be right for another, and what worked wrong before, might work right at a different time, because we, and our motives, and our attitudes change. I think one of my main objectives back then was to get high. I think I got high to stay alive, and lived to get high, orsomething close to that. Now I just want to live to live, i see the beauty and challenges of life before me, and i am excited to fell 'normal"(maybe a little better thn)and now i can actually plan things and accomplish them . Lots of love, Harry
Hey Kat , U wise guy, u were quoting me. ha, ha. Boy do u have a good memory. That was something i said in reponse to someone who was thinking abbout getting on methadone. That itmight not be such a good idea, and they should really think about it. And if they still want to get on it, they should think about it again. It should be the last hous..... after everything else fails. I think you, or someone else then sent me an email, or a post, that if given the option, at first, all addicts would choose methadone over living clean & sober. They could essentially continue to get high.
I still dont think methadone should be a first or second, but a last option. But that was great how you snuck that in there.
I think & I hope I am right. I also wish years ago, when i got on methadone, I had tried some other routes harder.
I remember , there where so many confusing things going on back then. I think even today, people outside, or dabbeling in recovery, are confused about what is really out there. I had a friend who was a crack addict. Me and another guy were talking about him & the other guy said"He'd like to get involved in NA, to stop using crack, but they dont let u smoke weed and he doesn't want to give it up. I said, Oh, (or something of equal inteligence) and that was the end of the conversation. None of us considered the obvious question, how would they know if u smoked pot , or not, unless u told them.To date i dont think they have NA 50.
Now i do understand NA is not a place to be deceptive, but at the same time it practices (or histofically did practice) a belief in "meeting the people where they are at. (at least thats what i learned today) They do want people to ultimately give up things like pot, but this guy had a much more serious, on the spot , problem to deal with. I'm guessing (like i say, im not an na guy, that most places he would have been welcomed open arms.)
I do , though, personally remember some unpleasant experiences with drug counselors, etc, at the time. I'm sure u guys remember how much courage it took to pick up that phone and make an appointment, or walk into that first na meeting. I do remember shortly after that, igot on methadone, i dont think it was the right thing to do it the time.
By the way, to that guy (srry cant remember ur name- second post- who has trouble with alcohal, I feel for u, I real do. IT is such a hard drug , it promises so much, yet as time goes on, it delivers only pain and oblivion. Except for when i used to go out and do speed & coke, it was never really my thing, though it was starting to disturb me at 6 or more a night. Strangest thing though, without effort, choice, or even concsious thought, 1 day i realized i hadnt had a drink in a couple days, nor did i want one. It was no miricle, more odd then anything else. It could be when i started doing more & more opiates, i lost desire for booze. I know many people like the combo effect, but it hought it a waste ofthe dope.
Anyway, i wish u the best on that one & i hope you stand tall & do whatever u have to to get by that. Alcohal is such a scarry, destructive drug. Especailly stuff like whiskey. in my book , its a close second to crack, im sure in the amount of deaths caused, maybe a first. I hope u turn ouot ok, Go to NA< AA, or church and get saved, pr bcome a quaker, or a morman, or whatever u need to get by that stuff.
adios & good nite
I still dont think methadone should be a first or second, but a last option. But that was great how you snuck that in there.
I think & I hope I am right. I also wish years ago, when i got on methadone, I had tried some other routes harder.
I remember , there where so many confusing things going on back then. I think even today, people outside, or dabbeling in recovery, are confused about what is really out there. I had a friend who was a crack addict. Me and another guy were talking about him & the other guy said"He'd like to get involved in NA, to stop using crack, but they dont let u smoke weed and he doesn't want to give it up. I said, Oh, (or something of equal inteligence) and that was the end of the conversation. None of us considered the obvious question, how would they know if u smoked pot , or not, unless u told them.To date i dont think they have NA 50.
Now i do understand NA is not a place to be deceptive, but at the same time it practices (or histofically did practice) a belief in "meeting the people where they are at. (at least thats what i learned today) They do want people to ultimately give up things like pot, but this guy had a much more serious, on the spot , problem to deal with. I'm guessing (like i say, im not an na guy, that most places he would have been welcomed open arms.)
I do , though, personally remember some unpleasant experiences with drug counselors, etc, at the time. I'm sure u guys remember how much courage it took to pick up that phone and make an appointment, or walk into that first na meeting. I do remember shortly after that, igot on methadone, i dont think it was the right thing to do it the time.
By the way, to that guy (srry cant remember ur name- second post- who has trouble with alcohal, I feel for u, I real do. IT is such a hard drug , it promises so much, yet as time goes on, it delivers only pain and oblivion. Except for when i used to go out and do speed & coke, it was never really my thing, though it was starting to disturb me at 6 or more a night. Strangest thing though, without effort, choice, or even concsious thought, 1 day i realized i hadnt had a drink in a couple days, nor did i want one. It was no miricle, more odd then anything else. It could be when i started doing more & more opiates, i lost desire for booze. I know many people like the combo effect, but it hought it a waste ofthe dope.
Anyway, i wish u the best on that one & i hope you stand tall & do whatever u have to to get by that. Alcohal is such a scarry, destructive drug. Especailly stuff like whiskey. in my book , its a close second to crack, im sure in the amount of deaths caused, maybe a first. I hope u turn ouot ok, Go to NA< AA, or church and get saved, pr bcome a quaker, or a morman, or whatever u need to get by that stuff.
adios & good nite