Hey Chris

I think maybe your getting some negative feedback because your so new to recovery,but act like an oldtimer.

I think many here are put off by your boldness with only weeks of recovery time.So I think your integrity is being questioned.I must admit that I myself don't know what to think about your fast recovery time.

I'm not saying it couldn't happen,but everyone I have ever met took years to get to the point your talking about.It took me years also and I think that is why your being viewed under a microscope.

Maybe I'm jealous or just curious on how fast your able to enjoy life again.All the infomation that I have been able to gather tells me it takes a great deal of time for our brains to produce endophins once again.With all the abuse an opiate adict does their brain sends messages that it no longer needs to produce endorphines and goes into a dormant stage.

The fatigue alone lasted months for me and years before I really felt joy again.So I apologize for questioning your honesty,it just doesn't fit the norm.

I also think some of us were turned off when you compare yourself with those that have worked very hard for years to achieve what they have.You made a statement that all the people should join us cool kids.You made it seem like you have it all figured out after only a few weeks.

So...I must apologize to you.I really don't know what to think about your success.I have nothing personal against you,but i'm sorry to say that I do question if your genuine.I hope that you can forgive those of us who question you because we are not use to having someone with such little clean time come off so boldly on their recovery.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from.Many of aadicts have tried to fool themselves into thinking they have it all figured out.I write to you because I am concerned about you.Your heart and motives are in the right place.I just hope you are not misleading yourself for a fall.

I wish you the best Chris.

Kevin
Bish, I apologize about the cool kids remark, your particially right. The cool kids remark menat to get off the s*** period, Whoever on this board is drug free , a week, a month, a year, a decade or beyond, we have one thing in comment, at least at that moment, no matter how long you are off of it, each person has a level of freedom. No matter how long or short that freedom is it still exists for that person. I'm 42 days free and dont consider myself cooler than a person 5 days free, or vice versa. It's about the decision to take control of your life, and save your life.

As for having it figured out, of course I dont, but I do have a plan, which I believe is a solid one and is a realistic road to recovery, sure it could fail, but after 42 days it has not, and as my Grand Dad has always said, and who is my hero, if it aint broke dont fix it.

As for the fatique, after the 3rd week of withdrawl I forced myself to excercise every day, I just got off the elyptical trainer a few minutes ago. The first week was a b****, the second week not so bad but now I'm doing really well on it. Also in my business I walk multiple miles a day and I'm a very fast walker. For instance a typical day could consist of me getting off at Penn Station, walking to 42nd street, then back down to 23rd street, and last week I even walked from 40th street to 96th street, then back to Penn to catch my train. I do this 4 days a week(work at home from fridays) So I guess that excercise is a factor in it too.

I can honestly say today that I feel better than when I was ever higher on drugs, but it is a proven phsyical fact, the more you excercise, the faster the endorphins come back. Oh they are not fully back, that much I do know, but the fact that that I feel them coming back is almost as good as having them all back. It's like watching a loved one you have not seen in a long time, and tells you she's coming back home next week...She's not there yet, but the excitement is there and that can make one happy.

As for the xanax and bailey's I'll keep that to myself as not to stir up any bitterness. All I will say is that I am on a tapering program with my doctors and so far it has been working well.

Peace. - Chris

That sound everyone just heard rumbling in the distance is unfortunately my head exploding under the massive weight of shear irony.
Kevin - I don't usually hang out at this board, but I do read here and I just wanted to say that I think you really conveyed what I was thinking, but was unable to quite put finger on. I'm not in recovery myself, but have seen my daughter's struggles and I just wanted to say to you: Well said, respectful and thoughtful. ~~MomNMore




Momnmore~~
You wrote........
" I'm not in recovery myself, but have seen my daughter's struggles and I just wanted to say "..........


What does that mean? Are you still using and trying to get to recovery? Or perhaps you have never used. Just curious.

Happy Mother's Day!
Well Chris.... more power to ya.You my friend are sure not the norm of any addict I've ever known.At 6 weeks I didn't know what I was doing and that was with 28 days of rehab and AA/NA under my belt.I had cravings every day and white knuckled my way through each day not to use again.

I'm very amazed your able to not even have a craving at this point.So I would have to say that I am very envious that you didn't have to struggle like the rest of us did.

I wish I knew your secret because if we all could experience recovery as you have we could actually wipe out addiction.Maybe you should start your own recovery treatment program and you could put all the experts to shame.

I think you also should be checked out by professional health care personal that deal with addiction.Maybe it's something in your genes that enables you to heal so quickly from the opiate abuse.Exercise certainly is not a new concept for increasing endorphines,but I believe you have set a record on how fast yours have repaired themselves.If there was a Ripley's believe it or not for addicts you would qualify.

You stated that you didn't have it all figured out.Well...if you don't have cravings,don't need support and are able to enjoy life once again,what else do you think recovery is about? After 4+ years I still have up and down days,but I am so grateful that I have leaned to deal with those down days in a healthy manner.It doesn't sound like you even have bad days! Man...your a miracle in my book.

I guess if I were you I would be so grateful that I didn't have to endure all the pain every other addict does to obtain sanity in their lives.Because for the rest of us it takes years and years of understanding who and what we are all about to even start learning how to correct our addictive behaviors.

So you see why we question you? How do you enjoy something you never had to suffer through to obtain.It's like a slap in the face for those of us who did.

Anyway Chris....I'm still not sure about you....but that's okay because I do know what I have and that is all that really matters.You go ahead and post away and more power to you!! Though I don't know why you feel the need to come here.I still come because I was coming to boards like these when I was so lost and found so much comfort and support especially late nights and early morings when there were no meetings to attend.Now I come and try and offer hope like I once recieved.

I would however tell your girl about your situation.Don't want to start a marriage with secrets.

Good Luck Chris,I wish you the best in your recovery.

P.S. So you collect autographed baseballs. I have a baseball signed by the entire Oakland A's back in 1973. I'm told it's worth some money.Don't know how much,but I would never part with it.It was the same team that won the world series 3 years in a row.

Kevin
Kevin

I do not believe I have it all figured out because I am only 42 days clean. I also said my way may not be the way, but so far it has worked, and will continue to do so if I fail at it. I do not believe I will fail at it, but anythinng can happen. I had to watch the yankees lose the ALCS in '04 being 3 games up to Boston, who went to win the world series. If that can happen, anything can happen.

But like I said, so far it has been working. PAWS does kick in every so often, but potassium and a banana usually helps with that. Plecebo? Who gives a s*** as long as it stops the pain, at least it isnt the demon(vicodin).

As for enduring pain, Kevin, day 1 was a piece of cake. Day 2 was a bit jittery. Day 3&4 I went through immense pain. A pain I would not with on my worst memory, mental/physical, etc. But I had aid in my recovery. My cats, knowing in a year I'm going to marry an amazing girl. My psychatrist, god bless her who gave me her pager # to call her if I felt the need to call my dealer, which I used. Vitamins and excercise made it hurt even worse, but once the excercise was done I started to feel a little better. I'd force my self, 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there, to substitute pain from excercise for the pain of withdrawal, well not substitue, but at least diminish it even just a little. I was close to calling my dealer, but realized I was at the half way point to where the worse woud be over. Hearing Tina's voice over the phone while she was visiting her mom helped too. When talking to her sure I was in pain, but my mind was on her, and how much I love and cherish her.

I do not know what the future holds for me, and I never claimed to say otherwise. All I know is that for 42 days I have not taken vicodin, and I laugh when people tell me I have not accomplished anything. I learned that at a friday meaning.

My grandfather is my hero. He told me never, ever let anyone tell you can not do anything you set your heart to. My step dad told me I would never be smart enough to me anything but a dock worker he was, today I own a successful consulting firm in manhattan. He also calls me and asks for money a lot, he is also an alcholic and gambling addict to boot. To tell you what a d******** this guy was, when i was 7 years old 2 kids jumped me in front of my apartment building ant took my lunch money on the way to school, I dusted myself off witha nosebleed, and he came downstairs, dragged me upstairs and beat the s*** out of me for not fighting back. He beat me up a lot, until one day, my grandfather, 20 years his senior, kicked his a**, and spent my summer vacations with him and Grandma afterwards. When my grand-dad got older, and couldnt protect me anymore, the beatings came again. My grand-dad told me to call the cops if he started, but I did not, I was scared I'd go to some foster home or something. So the beatings continued, and I got a job at 18 at this law firm, making pretty good money for a kid my age doing data entry. I saved up enough to move in with a friend of mine, I packed my bags and moved out. Jerry (I refuse to call him dad) physically tried to stop me. Threatened to hurt my mom if I did. Threatened a girlfriend I had at the time. I called my grand-dad, and again he reminded me dont ever let anyone stop you from doing ANYTHING. He said My mom could make her own decisions if he tried to hurt her, and if he went near my girl he'd have her 3 body building brothers knocking on his door so I wasnt concerned about that. The next day my mom went to the bar, and he went gambling. I cleared out my bedroom in 4 hours with a bunch of friends of mine, with the intentions of just leaving before any of them got home, with a note for my mom that I left with a friend of hers. Well he came home, and we got into it again. He saw the empty room, tried to keep me from leaving. I walked away and he said "What did I tell you about walking away from me when I was talking", then he tried to take a swing at me, I hit the mother f***er, I hit him so hard I broke his nose and he was on the floor shaking like a kitten in the cold. I told him for 18 years he was beating a boy, and that today he made the mistake of hitting a man. He's a very humble person with me nowadays, especially when asking for money(Which I never give to him)

My mom is still with him,she's still an alcholic, He's much older now so I dont think he even has the strength to hit her, but he still has a mental hold over her, and still gambles with her money. My mother knows where to call me if the day comes she wants to leave him, and I will be the first person at the house to pick her up. While my mom and I have gone closer, she's still addicted to alcohol, and pretty much accepted the fact that she will most likely die that way, despite my reaching out.

My grand-dad passed away in 98. And his beliefs, integrity and stubborn ways live in me to this day. If it wasnt for him lord knows where I'd be, but he gave me the strength to overcome all of that.

You may ask that may be more painful than the withdrawals, after all the worst parts were only a few days. But it was a drug I chose to take, to get away from things. It was a mistake and decision I made, and it consumed me for nearly 3 years. But as Jerry was, it was evil. I overcame evil once, and even though this was by my own doing I knew I could over come it again. And for 42 days I have been opiate free. Played 3 softball games and won 2 of them. I even sprained my ankle today, and in the past where I would seek pain medication, I got a bucket of ice and soaked it.

I have a lot of demons(other than the vicodin, non drug related) I have delt with in my past, some I will never mention here or to anyone, but have conqured with the guidelines passed along to me by the wisdom of my Grandfather. I choose to conquer this in the same way, I'm optimstic I will succeed, but also accept that I may fail. But for 42 days it hasnt, and again, will continue along this path to victory unless I do fall.

Had a great day today, sprained my ankle but got to spend time with my girl today. Watched the Sopranos and caught up on Lost. Tomorrow I'm hoping the Buffalo Sabre's do not fall down 3 games to none. But wouldnt be awesome if they did, and rallied back to beat Ottawa and go on to win the cup?

Man, I just realized I'm reallyt thinking out loud, and really lost touch with what I'm trying to relate to you Kevin.

All people are different, no matter it be politics, views on the environment, racism(which I am not) or even down to a favorite ice cream flavor.

I'm a Yankee fan, your an A's fan, perfect example. I had a fearsome life I had to battle through, and got out of it as quick as I could. I'm tackling this issue the same way, which to this day has succeeded. Anyone who tells me I cant do it this way can, well, you know.

As for my need to come here, it started with the withdrawls, which a lot of people, including some who ridicule me for my path helped me through. I made a small circle of friends on this board who will remain nameless who have given me even more strength. Although your not currently in that circle, (thats your choice, I'd never reject another friend )your open minded attitude towards my situation has contributed, and i thank you for that. I came here to post new topics of how my days went, good or bad. I guess because they were(and still are) mostly good it triggerered some folks to direct anger at me in a useless fashion, so i chose not to do that anymore. I will however continue to monitor posts, and help whoever I can, regardless of whether I trust my judgement or not now, because I know the new posters will get a lot of great advice, more often than not the best advice will not come from me, but I will be as positive and supportive as I humanly can, I will ask questions before I judge, and ask them to be 100% honest with the group, regardless of ridicule, as with all the ridiculde I got here, this board, and a small group of folks helped me greatly. I communicate with most of them through email just about every day, and it makes me stronger.

I've also been checked out by a doctor, and I'm doing good. My weight is better, my cholestoral could be lower, but I'm confidient it will be lower on my next visit. I took a drug test 3 weeks ago and opiates didnt show up, he asked me not to be offended if he wants to test me whenever I come, I told him to have at it.

So Kevin, that is why I still come to this board, and still consider myself in recovery.

And Kevin, we do have one thing in common. Although we follow different baseball teams, We both got to watch our respective teams win 3 world series in a row. Your's in the 70s, mine from 88-2000. Almost 4, even though the yankees lost the series in '01, games 4 and 5 were a yankees wet dream come true, on consecutive nights. :)

Anything you want to ask feel free, I'm an open book. Who knows what the future holds, maybe you'll come to yankee stadium when the A's are in town and we'll catch a game together. :) Take care man, and congratulations on 4+ years, thats awesome. Everyone has up and down days, even people who have never touched a drug or taken a single drink, its life. :)

Take care Kevin, I hope my story answered your question. Sorry it was so long, but my past is a main factor in this present battle, and would have made little sense without it. God Bless. Peace. - Chris


Hey Chris...I don't question your method of recovery,but only the speed in which you have seemed to overcome withdrawals,fatigue and the recovery process,but if you say it's so then who am I to judge you?

I only need to worry about my own progress and wish you well with yours.I certainly don't feel your here to harm anyone or discourage anyones recovery process,but don't be suprised if you are questioned by those that took years to start a solid recovery program.It's just that your sure not the norm.

The thing I really hate is that your a Yankee fan...LOL.If Finley wouldn't of sold off his team and paid them a decent salary they would of won many more than 3 in a row.I'm not sure of your age,but the A's over powered every team in the mid 70"s. with there ugly green uniforms and cool mustages. The A's and Raiders were the outlaws of the sporting world...LOL.

Chris...You seem to be a very nice guy with alot of self confidence and maybe us addicts aren't use to such confidence from someone so new to recovery.But like I said before,I am secure enough in my own recovery not to judge yours and to let it effect me in any negative ways.

So until the next time I drop in I wish you much success and happiness.

Kevin
Good try Kevin.
Hey Kevin,

Been a while since I have seen you post. It took me three months to feel like I could even walk up a flight of stairs, but soon after I was on the bike and that speeded-up my mental/physical recovery exponentially. I often thought that if I were to have forced myself into the gym earlier that perhaps I could have recovered faster, but I don't think now that that was realistic. I guess, it depends on the person, but I was in top condition when I quit Vicodin and man it took a long time to feel normal again...