Diff,
Espied your lovely post to our dear Jackofheartz...wonder how 'mum' is doing these days...often think about Raerae too..
luv MARY
Hi Mary, Thank-you for asking about me. I'm fat! I feel huge, but I have been ridiculously healthy all the way through so far. Which amazes me because life has been a bag of s***e recently, and it would be more fitting if I was hardly able to drag myself around, rather than being so full of vitality I could start calling myself Tigger. Me and "him" haven't been getting on too well, and things are very weird at home. For different reasons we are both adamant that we want to move somewhere else before our child is born, and it's just put so much pressure on us. We're having a hard time finding somewhere we both want to live, and I keep getting panicked, wanting to be secure before the baby comes, and I keep thinking we won't be sorted in time. We've been arguing a lot, and the rows are getting a bit serious now, if ya catch my meaning...
But, always the optimist, (apart from the times when I'm being the pessimist/realist etc) we may have got somewhere sorted now, but I ain't gonna get overexcited till I'm decorating the nursery! And hopefully we won't argue so much when we're a bit less stressed. My heads a bit f***ed tonight Mary. We had a big fight this morning, and it got pretty scary. It was over nothing, really. He got nasty with me when we opened the mail and found that we'd been charged 12 for a late payment on the credit card. It was due on the 5th, and I paid it on the 2nd, not reading the small print which said it needs 4 working days to clear. So I got called a stupid, useless F-ing twat, and when I objected to being spoken to like that, I really got it for raising my voice at him "in his own house". No real damage done. Split lip, a few broken possessions. But it just kills me inside. I'm kinda at the point where I just couldn't give a flying f*** how sorry he is anymore. I don't care what the f*** happened to him to make him such an abusive mutha. It ain't my job to fix him! I told him today to just let me go and he can find some other useless, stupid F-ing twat to be his skivvie, coz I'm too f***ing good for him. I don't normally bite back like that. I just let it ride, but today I just thought no, it's totally disrespectful to speak to me like that, and why the f*** shouldn't I pull him up on it, and tell him he needs to learn some Goddamned respect, coz I'm better than that, and nobody, no matter how mean, ever speaks to me like that. So what gives him the right? Coz he loves me? Ha! You gotta be joking! No, I had a one to one with my inner wolf, and I thought the wise wolf has teeth and claws, and she isn't afraid to use them. The wise wolf follows her instinct and doesn't question why. The wise wolf knows right from wrong, and she knows when she has to stand up for herself. So, that's what I did. Now we have one of those blissful periods when he knows he's really done something bad, and he will be extra nice to me, for a bit, anyway. I know the score Mary, and my heart is a lot colder these days. Colder or wiser. I still have the same "wisdom" that kept me alive during all my years of heroin addiction. I did lots and lots of heroin, and all manner of drugs really, but I was wise enough to know how much would kill me, and wise enough to not test the theory. I knew I'd walk away from it, eventually. And it would never get me. It would never walk away from me. But like all things addictive, you have to get to the point where you've had enough, where the torture outweighs the thrill, before you can really make your peace with it, and walk away knowing it was done.
Hey Mary, enough riddles for one night.
loadsalove to you
Diff xxxx
And Mary, I too think about Raerae. I hope she managed to make her peace with that drug, and know it was done, coz she struggled with that, and I do worry...
But, always the optimist, (apart from the times when I'm being the pessimist/realist etc) we may have got somewhere sorted now, but I ain't gonna get overexcited till I'm decorating the nursery! And hopefully we won't argue so much when we're a bit less stressed. My heads a bit f***ed tonight Mary. We had a big fight this morning, and it got pretty scary. It was over nothing, really. He got nasty with me when we opened the mail and found that we'd been charged 12 for a late payment on the credit card. It was due on the 5th, and I paid it on the 2nd, not reading the small print which said it needs 4 working days to clear. So I got called a stupid, useless F-ing twat, and when I objected to being spoken to like that, I really got it for raising my voice at him "in his own house". No real damage done. Split lip, a few broken possessions. But it just kills me inside. I'm kinda at the point where I just couldn't give a flying f*** how sorry he is anymore. I don't care what the f*** happened to him to make him such an abusive mutha. It ain't my job to fix him! I told him today to just let me go and he can find some other useless, stupid F-ing twat to be his skivvie, coz I'm too f***ing good for him. I don't normally bite back like that. I just let it ride, but today I just thought no, it's totally disrespectful to speak to me like that, and why the f*** shouldn't I pull him up on it, and tell him he needs to learn some Goddamned respect, coz I'm better than that, and nobody, no matter how mean, ever speaks to me like that. So what gives him the right? Coz he loves me? Ha! You gotta be joking! No, I had a one to one with my inner wolf, and I thought the wise wolf has teeth and claws, and she isn't afraid to use them. The wise wolf follows her instinct and doesn't question why. The wise wolf knows right from wrong, and she knows when she has to stand up for herself. So, that's what I did. Now we have one of those blissful periods when he knows he's really done something bad, and he will be extra nice to me, for a bit, anyway. I know the score Mary, and my heart is a lot colder these days. Colder or wiser. I still have the same "wisdom" that kept me alive during all my years of heroin addiction. I did lots and lots of heroin, and all manner of drugs really, but I was wise enough to know how much would kill me, and wise enough to not test the theory. I knew I'd walk away from it, eventually. And it would never get me. It would never walk away from me. But like all things addictive, you have to get to the point where you've had enough, where the torture outweighs the thrill, before you can really make your peace with it, and walk away knowing it was done.
Hey Mary, enough riddles for one night.
loadsalove to you
Diff xxxx
And Mary, I too think about Raerae. I hope she managed to make her peace with that drug, and know it was done, coz she struggled with that, and I do worry...
Diff, I am so sorry that you are going through tis crap with your BF.
Would you consider leaving him? I grew up with a violent Dad and l just want you to know that it still affects me to this day, I loved my Dad, he never hit us kids. But it affects every relationship I have ever had.
Please think of yourself and your child, your BF will only get worse with time, not better.
Take care of yourself.
Karen
Would you consider leaving him? I grew up with a violent Dad and l just want you to know that it still affects me to this day, I loved my Dad, he never hit us kids. But it affects every relationship I have ever had.
Please think of yourself and your child, your BF will only get worse with time, not better.
Take care of yourself.
Karen
Diff,
I am so sad to hear about the evidence of both physical and emotional abuse in your relationship. Unfortunately the incident involving the fat lip broken possessions and the 'make up' period afterwards are patented clinical indicators that your bf is an 'abuser' and you are the victim of such perpetrated violence on his part.
Unless he recognizes his potential for such abuse and is willing to seek counsel for it then the cycle of abuse will continue to escalate...especially the more he feels he can get away with. You know i have posted many times about being in a relationship with the ex bf...who not only was a heroin addict but was extremely abusive towards me....choking hitting broken possessions. forced sex .etc...
In the beginning of our relationship he was kind loving possessive and so affectionate to the point of being too clinging and rushed things into a serious union rather too quickly....these also are traits of a potential abuser..
I was with him over 6 years and 4 months ago he stopped being sexual with me and dropped me like a hot potato and now it is as if i never existed...of course i suspect he is using and dealing again but also that there was another woman in the background before he actually 'booted' me. He denied the woman just as he always denied his heroin use..
I am so sorry this is happening to you...particularly as you were so happy about being pregnant...unlike my wimpy self..you are tough and i know you wouldn't let someone abuse you as long i did...
that's why you are Diff.....erent,
love ya MARY
I am so sad to hear about the evidence of both physical and emotional abuse in your relationship. Unfortunately the incident involving the fat lip broken possessions and the 'make up' period afterwards are patented clinical indicators that your bf is an 'abuser' and you are the victim of such perpetrated violence on his part.
Unless he recognizes his potential for such abuse and is willing to seek counsel for it then the cycle of abuse will continue to escalate...especially the more he feels he can get away with. You know i have posted many times about being in a relationship with the ex bf...who not only was a heroin addict but was extremely abusive towards me....choking hitting broken possessions. forced sex .etc...
In the beginning of our relationship he was kind loving possessive and so affectionate to the point of being too clinging and rushed things into a serious union rather too quickly....these also are traits of a potential abuser..
I was with him over 6 years and 4 months ago he stopped being sexual with me and dropped me like a hot potato and now it is as if i never existed...of course i suspect he is using and dealing again but also that there was another woman in the background before he actually 'booted' me. He denied the woman just as he always denied his heroin use..
I am so sorry this is happening to you...particularly as you were so happy about being pregnant...unlike my wimpy self..you are tough and i know you wouldn't let someone abuse you as long i did...
that's why you are Diff.....erent,
love ya MARY
Hi guys, you know tonight I am feeling annoyed at myself, for thinking that things would be different, that he'd be able to conquer his temper, out of love for me. How naieve and stupid can one girl be? And I'm supposed to be such a bright kid! Obviously not that f***ing bright, am I? To do all that hard work, to conquer my addiction once and for all, just to end up a human punch bag for some bloke (I hesitate to call him a man, coz real men don't smack around the person they are supposed to love, the woman who is carrying his child). I'm sitting here at my desk, and I honestly cannot believe I got myself into this position. We had another bad day today. You mighta guessed (LOL)!
It was a beautiful day, so we decided to go for a drive up to the Brecon Beacons. We packed the bikes into the van, filled up on diesel, and drove off for our day out, listening to the radio, chatting happily, feeling good. We stop in Brecon, and he starts to unload the bikes, so we can go for a cycle down the canal (told you I was feeling sprightly!). But I want to go for a wee (hazard of pregnancy I'm afraid), so instead of going cycling we walk through the town and find a pub. Just so I can have a wee, but we may as well stop for a drink whilst we're here...). First big mistake. I was just drinking orange squash, due to my delicate condition, and because I was driving, but he was on the beer. One drink turned into several, then we stopped at another pub, and then it just turned into a pub crawl. I knew things were getting heavy when, after a couple of hours of drinking, he turns round to me and says that he had a vasectomy ten years ago. Now I knew that was impossible, and told him so, but he insisted. Now I know a test when I see one, and I knew he was watching me for any sign of doubt. He was laying a trap to see if I fell in it. I just told him he was full of s*** and to stop being so daft. Then he says that if it comes out with an Irish accent, or carrying a shamrock (God he's SO funny, don't you agree?) then he's going to drown it. And he adds, "Think what you got up to on the Isle of Man". Now it all clicks into place. When we were at the TT, when the baby was conceived, he got into a strop coz some Irish guy was flirting outrageously with me, and later on I disappeared to the loo, and was ages coz there was a queue. All this time, he'd been thinking that I musta shagged this guy! He was saying that he wasn't sure he was the father of our baby, and that's a nasty thing to say to your girlfriend. And I got annoyed with him, and I told him so. So we had a bit of tension going on. Then later on I have to disagree with him again, over something else. He told me he didn't want our child to have a surname. I mean any surname. Just a first name, and that's it. I told him not to be ridiculous, and said that if he didn't want to give it his name, then it would sure as hell have mine, coz I ain't ashamed of the baby, or my family name. And anyway, think of the impracticalities etc. Plus I think it's a legal requirement. He didn't like that at all, and things got a bit more tense. Then on the way home he flipped. Because I didn't over take these two cars when I had a chance. In his crappy diesel van. He made me pull over. I got out and walked away, he drove off. Then came back. I told him I didn't want to get in the van with him. So he dragged me over to the van and threw me in. Banging my head hard on the door frame, and then slamming the door on my legs. He got in and ordered me to drive, and I refused. So he hit me in the face. I told him he was a coward and a bully. So he spat in my face. I said he was a pathetic excuse for a man. So he spat at me again. And then hit me again...
I think you get the picture. It's a long drive back from Brecon with a madman sitting beside you. Going through the process. First blame me. Then lament the death of a relationship. Then remorse. Then freaking out on me again. All kinds of nastiness.
We got home, and I went to see the dog in the garden, and when I came back in, he was in bed. He's just got up about 1 minute ago, as I've been writing this, so I'm going to go now, coz he's making me nervous.
I'll tell you the rest later. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs. gotta go
diff xxxxxxxxx
It was a beautiful day, so we decided to go for a drive up to the Brecon Beacons. We packed the bikes into the van, filled up on diesel, and drove off for our day out, listening to the radio, chatting happily, feeling good. We stop in Brecon, and he starts to unload the bikes, so we can go for a cycle down the canal (told you I was feeling sprightly!). But I want to go for a wee (hazard of pregnancy I'm afraid), so instead of going cycling we walk through the town and find a pub. Just so I can have a wee, but we may as well stop for a drink whilst we're here...). First big mistake. I was just drinking orange squash, due to my delicate condition, and because I was driving, but he was on the beer. One drink turned into several, then we stopped at another pub, and then it just turned into a pub crawl. I knew things were getting heavy when, after a couple of hours of drinking, he turns round to me and says that he had a vasectomy ten years ago. Now I knew that was impossible, and told him so, but he insisted. Now I know a test when I see one, and I knew he was watching me for any sign of doubt. He was laying a trap to see if I fell in it. I just told him he was full of s*** and to stop being so daft. Then he says that if it comes out with an Irish accent, or carrying a shamrock (God he's SO funny, don't you agree?) then he's going to drown it. And he adds, "Think what you got up to on the Isle of Man". Now it all clicks into place. When we were at the TT, when the baby was conceived, he got into a strop coz some Irish guy was flirting outrageously with me, and later on I disappeared to the loo, and was ages coz there was a queue. All this time, he'd been thinking that I musta shagged this guy! He was saying that he wasn't sure he was the father of our baby, and that's a nasty thing to say to your girlfriend. And I got annoyed with him, and I told him so. So we had a bit of tension going on. Then later on I have to disagree with him again, over something else. He told me he didn't want our child to have a surname. I mean any surname. Just a first name, and that's it. I told him not to be ridiculous, and said that if he didn't want to give it his name, then it would sure as hell have mine, coz I ain't ashamed of the baby, or my family name. And anyway, think of the impracticalities etc. Plus I think it's a legal requirement. He didn't like that at all, and things got a bit more tense. Then on the way home he flipped. Because I didn't over take these two cars when I had a chance. In his crappy diesel van. He made me pull over. I got out and walked away, he drove off. Then came back. I told him I didn't want to get in the van with him. So he dragged me over to the van and threw me in. Banging my head hard on the door frame, and then slamming the door on my legs. He got in and ordered me to drive, and I refused. So he hit me in the face. I told him he was a coward and a bully. So he spat in my face. I said he was a pathetic excuse for a man. So he spat at me again. And then hit me again...
I think you get the picture. It's a long drive back from Brecon with a madman sitting beside you. Going through the process. First blame me. Then lament the death of a relationship. Then remorse. Then freaking out on me again. All kinds of nastiness.
We got home, and I went to see the dog in the garden, and when I came back in, he was in bed. He's just got up about 1 minute ago, as I've been writing this, so I'm going to go now, coz he's making me nervous.
I'll tell you the rest later. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs. gotta go
diff xxxxxxxxx
OK, he's seems pretty calm, so I'll get on with it. Anyway, that's about it really. I took the dog for a walk. I always think better when I'm walking Bill. And I thought, f***, this ain't a game you know girl, this ain't something you can win! This is heavy s***. You can't say it's a one off any more. You can't say it's your own fault. You can't say there isn't a pattern forming here. Two days on the trot. And these aren't "accidental" injuries, like he tries to tell you. You don't slam a van door on your girlfriends legs and expect there not to injuries do you? And I wasn't hysterical, like he tries to tell me, I was telling the truth. And one thing I'm good at is being succinct. A man doesn't like to know that his own girlfriend knows he's the scared snivelling 5 year old that he tries so hard to make himself believe he isn't. He's a class A s***! And we both know it's the truth. Which is why he can't even look at me. And you know, before I put on my mask of subservience in order to get home in one piece, I f***ing well told him so. I found his weak spot and I dug the knife in. Coz he damned well deserved to hear it! That dirty little prick!
So, I can't take back the words I said, I don't want to, but I can't make them unheard, any more than he can't take back the bruises, the tears he made me cry, the fear he put into me. So we're at this weird sort of silence, where he knows he's blown it, big time, and I feel a sort of relief. Sad. Desperately sad. And self-pitying. But I feel relief that I don't have to try any more. I'm all tried out! He'll walk round on eggshells for a few days, and I'll go somewhere. Don't know where, haven't got anywhere to go really. Except the battered wives place. Ha Ha! f*** me, that sounded so tragic! I'm laughing my butt off now! God! This is like some ridiculous novel, and the funniest thing is that this is my Goddamned LIFE! I'm just glad I can still find it funny! Man, it has to be funny, or else I'd be reaching for the razor blades by now!
Oh well, that's about it, but Sweet Jesus, you couldn't have made my life up in a book. If you did, everybody would say it was stupid. f*** me, it is pretty dumb though!
love ya guys
Diff xxxxx
So, I can't take back the words I said, I don't want to, but I can't make them unheard, any more than he can't take back the bruises, the tears he made me cry, the fear he put into me. So we're at this weird sort of silence, where he knows he's blown it, big time, and I feel a sort of relief. Sad. Desperately sad. And self-pitying. But I feel relief that I don't have to try any more. I'm all tried out! He'll walk round on eggshells for a few days, and I'll go somewhere. Don't know where, haven't got anywhere to go really. Except the battered wives place. Ha Ha! f*** me, that sounded so tragic! I'm laughing my butt off now! God! This is like some ridiculous novel, and the funniest thing is that this is my Goddamned LIFE! I'm just glad I can still find it funny! Man, it has to be funny, or else I'd be reaching for the razor blades by now!
Oh well, that's about it, but Sweet Jesus, you couldn't have made my life up in a book. If you did, everybody would say it was stupid. f*** me, it is pretty dumb though!
love ya guys
Diff xxxxx
Diff,
This man is threatening 3 very important facets of your life....your physical well-being...your unborn child..and your addiction...and you know that heroin would totally vaporize it all if you were to relapse...
This man is an abuser and you are his victim...and your unborn child and heroin is just sitting in the background...taking it all in with a knowing smile...
unless you run the other way....as in NOW
luv MARY
This man is threatening 3 very important facets of your life....your physical well-being...your unborn child..and your addiction...and you know that heroin would totally vaporize it all if you were to relapse...
This man is an abuser and you are his victim...and your unborn child and heroin is just sitting in the background...taking it all in with a knowing smile...
unless you run the other way....as in NOW
luv MARY
Hi Mary, don't you worry about my addiction. I ain't about to throw away everything I worked so hard for, everything I suffered so much for, over HIM! Being clean means everything to me, it defines who I am, just as much as heroin did when I was in the thick of it. I'm an addict who beat my addiction. I'm one of the oh-so-rare winners in this game. I licked it "good and proper" as my old girl would say, and it's worth more than I could say. Being in this situation with my boyfriend just makes that clearer for me.
OK, I've got to write a few emails. One to a very special lady who I met on this board who has done something amazing this week, and is out there living the dream. We all have our ups and downs, but one thing I feel sure of is that heroin won't be coming calling on me any more. And if it does, it politely gets shown the door, like an Jehovahs Witness!
love
Diff xxxx
OK, I've got to write a few emails. One to a very special lady who I met on this board who has done something amazing this week, and is out there living the dream. We all have our ups and downs, but one thing I feel sure of is that heroin won't be coming calling on me any more. And if it does, it politely gets shown the door, like an Jehovahs Witness!
love
Diff xxxx
Hi Diff!
Maybe you are addicted to your bf now? I'm so happy for you by the way--Diff--you should be having your baby soon? It really is a miracle. Please keep your baby & self safe!
Have you looked at "the cycle of abuse"? -Don't know how it works in your case, since it sounds like your bf is always on-the-verge of violence, but maybe it could at least help you predict when he's going to get violent? (so you can get outta the way).
Ya know diff--bringing your new baby into an enviroment with your bf--the explosive temper & all, could be dangerous.
Are you so sure that he won't hurt the baby like he's hurt you? How could you possibly know--(unless you find-out when it's too late).
You're a strong person--you will be so much more-so when you become someone's mom.
Do you need help making an escape plan diff?
I think you've realised by now that you have more power/control in your relationship with the bf?
The power to end-it. maybe not the relationship, end the violence/drama...
He is in no condition to do what's needed, and unfortunately-it's up to you to make it stop.
He's your drug now. You need to lose your addiction to it just like you did the other.
Letting it continue-is your decision/you know that.
Maybe you are addicted to your bf now? I'm so happy for you by the way--Diff--you should be having your baby soon? It really is a miracle. Please keep your baby & self safe!
Have you looked at "the cycle of abuse"? -Don't know how it works in your case, since it sounds like your bf is always on-the-verge of violence, but maybe it could at least help you predict when he's going to get violent? (so you can get outta the way).
Ya know diff--bringing your new baby into an enviroment with your bf--the explosive temper & all, could be dangerous.
Are you so sure that he won't hurt the baby like he's hurt you? How could you possibly know--(unless you find-out when it's too late).
You're a strong person--you will be so much more-so when you become someone's mom.
Do you need help making an escape plan diff?
I think you've realised by now that you have more power/control in your relationship with the bf?
The power to end-it. maybe not the relationship, end the violence/drama...
He is in no condition to do what's needed, and unfortunately-it's up to you to make it stop.
He's your drug now. You need to lose your addiction to it just like you did the other.
Letting it continue-is your decision/you know that.
Hi subuser, If I had somewhere to go I wouldn't be here now. I've not got any money, so I can't afford to just go out and rent somewhere else. The rent I'd get help with, but not the deposit/month in advance, and I'd need to raise over 1000 for that. But I am on to the council to rehouse me, and my shrink is supposed to be writing a letter to the housing register to tell them I'm in a really bad situation and he considers me at risk. I have to see my midwife tomorrow, so I'll show her my latest crop of injuries, and then it will go on my medical records, so I'll have proof I'm being physically abused. I have to see my Dr anyway, about medication (my OB said to start taking my meds again, coz she could see how down I was), so I'll make sure he knows about the abuse. I'm not going to move into a womens refuge or anything. I couldn't bear that. I'm just hoping that I'll get a housing assoc. place. Low rents, enough room for me and the little 'un. I'd be OK with that. I'm just trying to keep things calm at home. I know he feels bad, but not f***ing bad enough, if you ask me. And feeling bad doesn't make up for anything. It doesn't undo what he did. I'm hoping he goes out tonight so I can relax a bit. I may even go to the hospital to get my knee checked out, coz it's all swollen up and hurts like f*** where he slammed the van door on my legs yesterday. I really don't think he realises just how bad he's f***ed everything up. But he will, and it will be his loss, not mine. I told him yesterday that I'm not responsible for him, he's a grown man. He replied "Oh yes you are!" .I think that's why it's got so bad, coz he sees the baby as taking me away from him, and he feels quite dependent on me.
Anyway kiddo, thanks for the concern...
love
Diff xxxx
Anyway kiddo, thanks for the concern...
love
Diff xxxx
Hey Diff...just checking in with you to see if you are okay..
luv MARY
Life is not a dress rehearsal but it sure can give you a kick in the pants at times
luv MARY
Life is not a dress rehearsal but it sure can give you a kick in the pants at times
Diif,
Just read your thread and girl it got me thinking - you go on the families boards and there is post after post after post from girlfriends wives etc all in relationships with addicts who are abusive physically and mentally many blame the smack or the cocaine over and over again. And I sit here and read and think he's a twat and even if he wasn't on the gear I bet he'd still be a twat because it's inside them. Drugs makes you argue sure and then there's the lies and maybe for some this leads to the stealing and somewhere along the way people get hurt because they get in the way of the purse credit card or whatever.
But hitting a woman never got anyone any gear if they hit out it's because that is how they are and you can't change them.
You are on the other side my friend you have achieved a great deal you've been to dark places and now in the light you will have a child. What I want to say is for a long time I was married to a violent man, he hit out because he felt inadequate, couldn't communicate abusive childhood - usual story. And I stuck with it because my beautiful girl needed and loved her dad but even when he wasn't drinking and wasn't abusive he was disrespectful to me and she was scared of him. So in the end it was because of my beautiful girl that I left.
No matter how good it gets with a violent man it is like Heroin always there under the surface a cloud on a sunny day and it isn't healthy for a child to live that way. You have to say the 3 Cs it's what all the partners of addicts learn,
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CHANGE it
This applys as much to him being a violent twat as it does to anyone being an addict and once the respect is gone then love goes with it.
You want him because he's the father of your baby and because it is now you want to be loved and cared for most.
Accusing you of shagging a stranger in a toilet is not love and you know it.
My big regret is I didn't get out before my child got to know him and that our split caused her pain. If I had have walked when she was a baby it would have been so much better for her.
Now my man is her daddy in all but name he helps her with her schoolwork, takes her running, to church and gives her a lot of love, he's fun gentle and never raises his voice and all that when he's struggling with his own addiction and often feeling shxxt.
People are as they are - good, bad, addicted, normies.
You've been given something beautiful keep it safe don't hang on like I did.
karen
x
Just read your thread and girl it got me thinking - you go on the families boards and there is post after post after post from girlfriends wives etc all in relationships with addicts who are abusive physically and mentally many blame the smack or the cocaine over and over again. And I sit here and read and think he's a twat and even if he wasn't on the gear I bet he'd still be a twat because it's inside them. Drugs makes you argue sure and then there's the lies and maybe for some this leads to the stealing and somewhere along the way people get hurt because they get in the way of the purse credit card or whatever.
But hitting a woman never got anyone any gear if they hit out it's because that is how they are and you can't change them.
You are on the other side my friend you have achieved a great deal you've been to dark places and now in the light you will have a child. What I want to say is for a long time I was married to a violent man, he hit out because he felt inadequate, couldn't communicate abusive childhood - usual story. And I stuck with it because my beautiful girl needed and loved her dad but even when he wasn't drinking and wasn't abusive he was disrespectful to me and she was scared of him. So in the end it was because of my beautiful girl that I left.
No matter how good it gets with a violent man it is like Heroin always there under the surface a cloud on a sunny day and it isn't healthy for a child to live that way. You have to say the 3 Cs it's what all the partners of addicts learn,
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CHANGE it
This applys as much to him being a violent twat as it does to anyone being an addict and once the respect is gone then love goes with it.
You want him because he's the father of your baby and because it is now you want to be loved and cared for most.
Accusing you of shagging a stranger in a toilet is not love and you know it.
My big regret is I didn't get out before my child got to know him and that our split caused her pain. If I had have walked when she was a baby it would have been so much better for her.
Now my man is her daddy in all but name he helps her with her schoolwork, takes her running, to church and gives her a lot of love, he's fun gentle and never raises his voice and all that when he's struggling with his own addiction and often feeling shxxt.
People are as they are - good, bad, addicted, normies.
You've been given something beautiful keep it safe don't hang on like I did.
karen
x
Hi guys, I've been trying to find somewhere to live still. No joy yet. I went to see this "mobile home" yesterday. It sounded good on paper, out in the country, in the village where Dylan Thomas lived with Caitlin, and wrote Under Milk Wood in the boathouse there. But I had to laugh when the woman (who was disturbingly covered in cows***e at the time) showed me round. I reckon it was manufactured in the early 70's and hadn't been cleaned since. It still had the original 70's curtains, and the so called carpet was a series of threadbare tiles which all curled up at every corner. The fridge was rusty, and the whole place was absolutely full of flies. The bed looked like someone had pissed in it, and I would sooner sleep in a field than spend one night in there. I went into a local pub for an orange juice and the locals told me that the site is full of nutters, paedophiles and weirdo's, and was a real "brew-crew" hang-out. So no go.
Things seem to be a bit better at home, but it doesn't fool me. I know how little it takes to tip the balance. He just can't seem to deal with any sign of imperfection on my part. Even taking a wrong turning in the car seems to take us dangerously close to where we've been in recent days. But the peace is nice. He's doing his level best to make himself seem reasonable and rational. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant he has started talking about "the three of us", and has told me he's going to change his will to make sure I'm financially secure if anything happens to him. I know he will pay for me to live somewhere else, but I am wary of taking his money, coz it gives him an angle to use against me when he wants to, which he will, coz it's what he does. He hates the fact I'm so proud and stubborn, and refuse to let him blackmail me. But at the same time, it is his child, and he should bear some of the financial responsibility towards the baby. But that puts me in the position of having to accept his money. I don't know what's for the best.
A friend of mine is having serious hassle from the father of her 8 year old son. The father of her boy went to prison for the things he did to my friend, but he's out now, and is trying to get access to the boy. My friend is adamant that he'll have nothing to do with him, coz he is a violent nut case, and is using the legal system to keep him away. The one thing that has really helped her in keeping him away is the fact that she never ever took money off him for the childs upkeep, and the only thing that says he's the real father of her son is the birth certificate, which he supplied the details for whilst my friend was recovering from the birth. And it takes years for the courts to enforce a paternity test, by which time her son will be a lot older and more able to make up his own mind about things. This is in the back of my mind, and if I start taking his money then he'll end up with rights over our child, and he can be a spiteful SOB.
Right, I'm gonna have some lunch now. My body seems to need constant feeding at the moment!
love
Diff xxx
Things seem to be a bit better at home, but it doesn't fool me. I know how little it takes to tip the balance. He just can't seem to deal with any sign of imperfection on my part. Even taking a wrong turning in the car seems to take us dangerously close to where we've been in recent days. But the peace is nice. He's doing his level best to make himself seem reasonable and rational. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant he has started talking about "the three of us", and has told me he's going to change his will to make sure I'm financially secure if anything happens to him. I know he will pay for me to live somewhere else, but I am wary of taking his money, coz it gives him an angle to use against me when he wants to, which he will, coz it's what he does. He hates the fact I'm so proud and stubborn, and refuse to let him blackmail me. But at the same time, it is his child, and he should bear some of the financial responsibility towards the baby. But that puts me in the position of having to accept his money. I don't know what's for the best.
A friend of mine is having serious hassle from the father of her 8 year old son. The father of her boy went to prison for the things he did to my friend, but he's out now, and is trying to get access to the boy. My friend is adamant that he'll have nothing to do with him, coz he is a violent nut case, and is using the legal system to keep him away. The one thing that has really helped her in keeping him away is the fact that she never ever took money off him for the childs upkeep, and the only thing that says he's the real father of her son is the birth certificate, which he supplied the details for whilst my friend was recovering from the birth. And it takes years for the courts to enforce a paternity test, by which time her son will be a lot older and more able to make up his own mind about things. This is in the back of my mind, and if I start taking his money then he'll end up with rights over our child, and he can be a spiteful SOB.
Right, I'm gonna have some lunch now. My body seems to need constant feeding at the moment!
love
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through. I'm glad to hear you're looking for a place to live. He scares me! The jealousy after a new baby comes (taking all the attention) can test even the best of relationships. Please be careful and try not to set this "man" off any more than you have to.
My daughter broke up with her baby's father just before the baby was born and she didn't put him on the birth certificate. She did that so that IF he wanted anything to do with her he would have to spend some of this precious car money to get those rights. Of course, he hasn't. IF he does, she will go after child support but we helped her a lot so she didn't have to to keep him away from the baby. He's never even seen her (which was our hope because of his violent temper and no regard to rules - he would think nothing of taking off with her if he got his hands on her!) and she is almost 3 years old. We didn't do it to be mean but to protect her.
I will keep you and your precious baby in my prayers.
Love,
Susan
I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through. I'm glad to hear you're looking for a place to live. He scares me! The jealousy after a new baby comes (taking all the attention) can test even the best of relationships. Please be careful and try not to set this "man" off any more than you have to.
My daughter broke up with her baby's father just before the baby was born and she didn't put him on the birth certificate. She did that so that IF he wanted anything to do with her he would have to spend some of this precious car money to get those rights. Of course, he hasn't. IF he does, she will go after child support but we helped her a lot so she didn't have to to keep him away from the baby. He's never even seen her (which was our hope because of his violent temper and no regard to rules - he would think nothing of taking off with her if he got his hands on her!) and she is almost 3 years old. We didn't do it to be mean but to protect her.
I will keep you and your precious baby in my prayers.
Love,
Susan
Dearest dearest Diff,
Were all still here for you, hoping, no not hoping, watching with bated breath to see how you fair just this one more trial.
You would have thought that I had said it enough times, but I have nt.......you are an increadible woman who deserves the world Diff.....been telling you from the get go that this bloke your with, does nt deserve to breath the same air as you do.You say in one of your posts that this is nt a game its your life...well you know what life is a bit of a game, but one your baby wont be up for playing for a really long time. You have to go girlfriend, for its sake and I know you know this. Its not you....you did nt ask for it, you dont deserve it and you are not being a drama queen, its real, its happening and you are letting it happen. You CAN make it stop - but it has precious little to do with him.
I urge you to go to the friends and family part of this board because you will find people in the same boat....not of abuse, necessarily, but of co-dependency...it has nothing to do with how much or how little he loves you - its an illness that you are powerless against, you cannot change him - but I guess you have figured that out already.
What I do know is that you are amazing, you will get through this, and past this dont hang around to let him take it all away from you little by little, drop by drop. Is your family not in England? Can you fo there? Diff just remove yourself one day at a time.
I look forward to good news and big things for you and the baby,
Best wishes
YBF
Were all still here for you, hoping, no not hoping, watching with bated breath to see how you fair just this one more trial.
You would have thought that I had said it enough times, but I have nt.......you are an increadible woman who deserves the world Diff.....been telling you from the get go that this bloke your with, does nt deserve to breath the same air as you do.You say in one of your posts that this is nt a game its your life...well you know what life is a bit of a game, but one your baby wont be up for playing for a really long time. You have to go girlfriend, for its sake and I know you know this. Its not you....you did nt ask for it, you dont deserve it and you are not being a drama queen, its real, its happening and you are letting it happen. You CAN make it stop - but it has precious little to do with him.
I urge you to go to the friends and family part of this board because you will find people in the same boat....not of abuse, necessarily, but of co-dependency...it has nothing to do with how much or how little he loves you - its an illness that you are powerless against, you cannot change him - but I guess you have figured that out already.
What I do know is that you are amazing, you will get through this, and past this dont hang around to let him take it all away from you little by little, drop by drop. Is your family not in England? Can you fo there? Diff just remove yourself one day at a time.
I look forward to good news and big things for you and the baby,
Best wishes
YBF
Hello to my friends, I'm still going through the arduous process of getting the council to rehouse me. I know that my bloke has offered to give me the money to get a new place, but then he'll end up there all the time and still dictating to me how I should live, and I just want my own place where he has no rights whatsoever, and I can do what I like. So it's a case of just holding out, stalling etc until they find me something. I'm waiting for a phone call from the council now actually, whilst he's out.
Phone just rang... thought it was the housing people, but it was my ex's mum, telling me he's been rushed into hospital with suspected pneumonia. I can't believe it. I only saw him yesterday and I couldn't get over how well he was looking. He had the feeding tube put in last month after a long fight for it, and he's been putting on weight, and I kept telling him he was doing brilliantly, and had come on much better than anybody had anticipated. The only thing positive thing I can think to say is that at least he's not quite as frail as he was, so hopefully he'll have a better chance of fighting it, and it was picked up early, coz like I said, he seemed well when I left him at about 1 pm yesterday. He told me he thought I was the absolute best, coz I promised him I'd never abandon him and I never have, no matter what, and I'd stuck by him through everything. He told me he loved me to bits, and I told him I loved him too. But his mum said he was in a really bad way when she went with him to hospital last night. She spoke to the hospital on the phone this morning and they said there were things that they couldn't discuss on the phone so asked her to come in this afternoon. I'll go up myself later and see if I can find anything out. Doesn't sound too hopeful though. They don't mind giving you good news over the phone, do they?
OK, Misery is home now. Just had a good chat with my drug worker, who came too see me mid-message. She says I'm looking much stronger. That's what happens when love starts ebbing away. You just don't care as much, and you just don't feel hurt in the same way. He crossed a barrier he should never have crossed, and the ties betwen us started to break. My drug worker reckons he's just totally out of his depth with me, and he destroys what he can't control. But he won't destroy me. He'll just lose the best thing that ever happened to him.
Right, better go...
love
Diff xxx
Phone just rang... thought it was the housing people, but it was my ex's mum, telling me he's been rushed into hospital with suspected pneumonia. I can't believe it. I only saw him yesterday and I couldn't get over how well he was looking. He had the feeding tube put in last month after a long fight for it, and he's been putting on weight, and I kept telling him he was doing brilliantly, and had come on much better than anybody had anticipated. The only thing positive thing I can think to say is that at least he's not quite as frail as he was, so hopefully he'll have a better chance of fighting it, and it was picked up early, coz like I said, he seemed well when I left him at about 1 pm yesterday. He told me he thought I was the absolute best, coz I promised him I'd never abandon him and I never have, no matter what, and I'd stuck by him through everything. He told me he loved me to bits, and I told him I loved him too. But his mum said he was in a really bad way when she went with him to hospital last night. She spoke to the hospital on the phone this morning and they said there were things that they couldn't discuss on the phone so asked her to come in this afternoon. I'll go up myself later and see if I can find anything out. Doesn't sound too hopeful though. They don't mind giving you good news over the phone, do they?
OK, Misery is home now. Just had a good chat with my drug worker, who came too see me mid-message. She says I'm looking much stronger. That's what happens when love starts ebbing away. You just don't care as much, and you just don't feel hurt in the same way. He crossed a barrier he should never have crossed, and the ties betwen us started to break. My drug worker reckons he's just totally out of his depth with me, and he destroys what he can't control. But he won't destroy me. He'll just lose the best thing that ever happened to him.
Right, better go...
love
Diff xxx
Hello again, just to give you a quick update, he's gone. He's disappeared to Ireland this morning. Things went badly wrong again yesterday, and me and the dog ended up on the streets. He had had a drink, and got nasty with the dog coz he'd dug a hole in the lawn, so I intervened to stop bloodshed, coz the dog was poised to attack, and my fella had a big hunting knife. To cut a long story short, me and the dog ended up on the streets in the pouring rain. I had no shoes on my feet, no money, no keys, no phone, not even a leash for the dog. Just the shirt and jeans I stood up in. The one person I thought I could stay with, with the dog wasn't in, so I ended up sort of breaking into my ex's (he's in hospital still) and me and the dog spent the night there. Not that my bloke knew that.
It sort of made up my mind that I had to do something, I couldn't have the dog being at risk coz of his violent temper. So in the morning I left the dog in my ex's flat and walked home. When I got there he was already packed and ready to go. He wanted to talk. I couldn't see the point. I did tell him that I no longer trusted him, in fact I feared him, and just couldn't cope with it any more. I wasn't argumentative, but I let him know how he was affecting me, and how he'd basically ruined my life, and how I'd had enough of it, and I felt that our relationship was over.
He did the usual, going on about how he hated himself for it, how bad he felt, how much he loved me, how badly he wanted for me to be happy, to see me smile again, telling me how he was going to sort his head out, and stop hurting me. Look after me and the baby. But he already knew that things were f***ed up, and I was walking away. I suppose he did the only thing he could do, played the only card he had. He made arrangements to go to Ireland, coz he knew that the only possible way of stopping me from packing my stuff and leaving was if he went instead. I don't know if it was that calculated. I do believe he does feel ashamed, and genuinely doesn't want to see me and the dog on the streets, and felt that at least if he left, it would mean that I wasn't put in a situation where I was forced out. Coz he realized that I wasn't going to spend one single night under the same roof as him. So he's gone. I told him I'd stay in the house until he got back from Ireland, but I'm onto the council every day about rehousing me. I've got a meeting on Monday with a woman from housing, and I'm hoping she'll have good news for me.
I feel relieved he's gone, but I feel lonely too. I hate being alone. At least I've got the dog. His heads all f***ed up now as well, after last night, and being dragged all over and dumped off at places. Poor wee lamb! But I've got peace. I had a text earlier saying sorry again, and telling me he loves me, but no phone calls. I'm trying not to let it do my head. I feel in limbo again. He thinks everything is going to be alright when he gets back, but I don't trust him. It hurts just to think about him right now. I'm so very tired. No sleep last night and I've been sick a few times today. I think I'll go to bed.
love
Diff x
It sort of made up my mind that I had to do something, I couldn't have the dog being at risk coz of his violent temper. So in the morning I left the dog in my ex's flat and walked home. When I got there he was already packed and ready to go. He wanted to talk. I couldn't see the point. I did tell him that I no longer trusted him, in fact I feared him, and just couldn't cope with it any more. I wasn't argumentative, but I let him know how he was affecting me, and how he'd basically ruined my life, and how I'd had enough of it, and I felt that our relationship was over.
He did the usual, going on about how he hated himself for it, how bad he felt, how much he loved me, how badly he wanted for me to be happy, to see me smile again, telling me how he was going to sort his head out, and stop hurting me. Look after me and the baby. But he already knew that things were f***ed up, and I was walking away. I suppose he did the only thing he could do, played the only card he had. He made arrangements to go to Ireland, coz he knew that the only possible way of stopping me from packing my stuff and leaving was if he went instead. I don't know if it was that calculated. I do believe he does feel ashamed, and genuinely doesn't want to see me and the dog on the streets, and felt that at least if he left, it would mean that I wasn't put in a situation where I was forced out. Coz he realized that I wasn't going to spend one single night under the same roof as him. So he's gone. I told him I'd stay in the house until he got back from Ireland, but I'm onto the council every day about rehousing me. I've got a meeting on Monday with a woman from housing, and I'm hoping she'll have good news for me.
I feel relieved he's gone, but I feel lonely too. I hate being alone. At least I've got the dog. His heads all f***ed up now as well, after last night, and being dragged all over and dumped off at places. Poor wee lamb! But I've got peace. I had a text earlier saying sorry again, and telling me he loves me, but no phone calls. I'm trying not to let it do my head. I feel in limbo again. He thinks everything is going to be alright when he gets back, but I don't trust him. It hurts just to think about him right now. I'm so very tired. No sleep last night and I've been sick a few times today. I think I'll go to bed.
love
Diff x
Diff
Go to the families board read COs posts on no contact to break free.
This time you and the dog on the street maybe next time you and a baby or what happened to me, me on the street the baby locked inside with him.
I know it's harsh but you know the score - loads of stress or a smack or a fall and you'll lose the bump it's too precious you've been through too much don't risk it.
Stay strong hun cuz you are
k
Go to the families board read COs posts on no contact to break free.
This time you and the dog on the street maybe next time you and a baby or what happened to me, me on the street the baby locked inside with him.
I know it's harsh but you know the score - loads of stress or a smack or a fall and you'll lose the bump it's too precious you've been through too much don't risk it.
Stay strong hun cuz you are
k
Diff,
It is so weird...i was on another recovery board and i thought of you and wondered how you were doing and lo and behold when i came back to the heroin board i saw that you recently just had posted.
I am glad that he left but once again he seems to be exercising a margin of control in that he knows that by his leaving that will insure you staying in a place that he knows he can still contact you at....he might have physically left for Ireland but the unseen reach of his arm from there has you pinned underneath the emotional weight of his invisible thumb...he still has you where and when he wants you.
I know you are well aware about the cycle of domestic abuse and the periods between abusive episodes shorten with each successive violent incident and as strong willed as you usually are about things in general..i am beginning to see cracks in your personal resolve and a willingness to second guess or shelve things.
I wonder if not only bearing the responsibility of carrying an unborn child but the fact that your pregnancy must be adding subtracting and generally throwing your hormonal balance out of whack...plus being a diagnosed BPD and a recovering addict is putting you at a disadvantage to act or react immediately to clearly such a precarious predicament you find yourself now in.
Did you not say that you stayed at your ex bf's empty apartment as he is in the hospital...is he not still an active addict?.....it sounds as if the father of your child has a problem with alcohol as well....does this not seem that you are positioning yourself between a 'rock and a hard place'.....either way you are going to still get bruised.
Don't you have family somewhere? I only ask and state all of the above as i myself have been a victim of mental physical and verbal abuse and 6 years of that has whittled down my self esteem considerably even tho' the perpetrator is no longer in the picture so to speak and i am also a BPD not to mention a recovering alcoholic.
He will be back...you know that
C'mon Diff...what would Diff do here?
luv and concern MARY
It is so weird...i was on another recovery board and i thought of you and wondered how you were doing and lo and behold when i came back to the heroin board i saw that you recently just had posted.
I am glad that he left but once again he seems to be exercising a margin of control in that he knows that by his leaving that will insure you staying in a place that he knows he can still contact you at....he might have physically left for Ireland but the unseen reach of his arm from there has you pinned underneath the emotional weight of his invisible thumb...he still has you where and when he wants you.
I know you are well aware about the cycle of domestic abuse and the periods between abusive episodes shorten with each successive violent incident and as strong willed as you usually are about things in general..i am beginning to see cracks in your personal resolve and a willingness to second guess or shelve things.
I wonder if not only bearing the responsibility of carrying an unborn child but the fact that your pregnancy must be adding subtracting and generally throwing your hormonal balance out of whack...plus being a diagnosed BPD and a recovering addict is putting you at a disadvantage to act or react immediately to clearly such a precarious predicament you find yourself now in.
Did you not say that you stayed at your ex bf's empty apartment as he is in the hospital...is he not still an active addict?.....it sounds as if the father of your child has a problem with alcohol as well....does this not seem that you are positioning yourself between a 'rock and a hard place'.....either way you are going to still get bruised.
Don't you have family somewhere? I only ask and state all of the above as i myself have been a victim of mental physical and verbal abuse and 6 years of that has whittled down my self esteem considerably even tho' the perpetrator is no longer in the picture so to speak and i am also a BPD not to mention a recovering alcoholic.
He will be back...you know that
C'mon Diff...what would Diff do here?
luv and concern MARY
Hi Mary, I know how things sound, but I am being pragmatic about things. And just to clarify, my ex is no longer an active addict. The only opiates he takes now are those administered to him by a nurse, for pain relief. He is bedridden now because of the MS and has 24 hr care at home, which is why I can't take the dog there most of the time. His day care staff are fine about the dog, but night staff are agency and you never know who's turning up. But he's in hospital until Monday now any way, so the flat is empty.
And my folks are in South Africa again and not coming back till Feb 07, so that's them out of the picture. I have to pin my hopes on being rehoused in social housing because in order to move to a privately rented place I have to take money of my man, coz I can't afford it on my own, and if he's helping me pay for it I am still under his control, coz he can just blackmail me using the roof over my head.
And then there's the dog. Most people don't get it about the dog. He's not just a dog to me. I take my responsibility for him very seriously, and I need to have s home for him. He's not well, and I am fearing the worst for him. He's got an appointment at the vets on Monday, and I expect they'll x-ray him. Istrongly suspect he has osteo-sarcoma. It's very common with older male rottweilers, and I've seen it before with other rotts I've owned. I'm not wishing ill on my best friend, but if it is a bone cancer, then I'll have no choice but to have him put to sleep, because it is a very aggressive and untreatable condition. Diagnosis to death is rarely more than a matter of weeks, and he's already suffering. If that's the case, I'll feel like I took care of him for his natural life span, and fulfilled my promise to him. When my man went for the dog with the knife I suddenly saw things more clearly. The dog, a supposed "Devil-Dog" if you listen to the media, has never, once in his whole life ever hurt me. All he's done is loved me loyally and faithfully, protected me with conviction and been my very best friend. And the man who is supposed to love me could take a few lessons from that dog. The dog comes first now, and I'll put up with all manner of s*** in order to give him a warm comfortable place to stay for what is likely to be his last days. After that there isn't anything I care enough about left for him to use against me, and I can just move on.
One thing dealing with my addiction taught me was patience. Things don't happen over night, and you just have to keep your eyes on the prize. I know what I want. I just want to be in my own place, a safe place, where I can make a home for me and the baby. I don't want to have to rely on anybody. I can guess his next move. once the dog is out of the picture, and he can no longer use him to control me, he'll develop a sudden interest in our child. He'll stop whining about how he feels everything is f***ed up because I got pregnant (you know he has said several times that he wished I'd never told him I was pregnant and just got rid of it - that's the depth of his selfishness) and start trying to make me believe I need him around for the good of our child. He'll suddenly try and make me believe that he'll be a good dad, and play on my desire to have a proper family. Coz his approach up to now has completely backfired on him. In the beginning, he made it clear he had doubts about the baby, and for a while I tried really hard to make him see that things could be good, that we could be happy with our own family. And he kept on stringing it out, saying he just needed more time to come to terms with it. But I just got to the point where I thought "time's up!". So told him that I can't sit here listening to him whinge on endlessly about how he'll never be happy again, so if he can't come to terms with it by now, just uck off! Wise up or bail out, coz he's just sucking the happiness out of my life, and I don't need it or want it. Then he did his "I can't just walk away when you're pregnant" routine. Why not? I asked him. "I'd be happier without you". Then he tried to convince me I couldn't cope without him, harking back to how thin I was before he started "taking care of me", how much of mess I was mentally. Funny, I remember being thin (vaguely...LOL!) but I had my own little place, security, safety, independence. And I was coming through heroin addiction. Coming through with flying colours, I seem to remember. I think I was doing pretty well, actually.
Anyway, now that he's seen that approach is no longer working, he'll walk into a phone box and come out as "Super Dad", no doubt. Coz he knows that is what I wanted all along. But he's just playing on my desires, and he'll no more be Super Dad, then he will be a loving and supportive partner. The thing about facades, is that they crumble, and I can see through them. True colours always shine through. Being sorry just isn't enough. If he really wanted to do something about his temper, then he'd seek professional help, but even then I doubt he'd take it seriously. He's always been so suspicious and scathing of the fact I see a psychiatrist, so I feel he would go at things with the wrong attitude. He asked me if I thought a psychiatrist could help him and I said yes, I think it would be a start. He thinks that stopping drinking is all he needs to do. But the thing is, he isn't really a drinker. Yes when he drinks he can get violent, but he doesn't drink that often. It doesn't take a lot for him to lose a handle on things, and sometimes he's violent when he hasn't been drinking.
But there you go. At least whilst he's away it's just me and the dog, and we're OK on our own. I just want to sort out a house for ourselves, as soon as possible.
love
Diff xxxx
And my folks are in South Africa again and not coming back till Feb 07, so that's them out of the picture. I have to pin my hopes on being rehoused in social housing because in order to move to a privately rented place I have to take money of my man, coz I can't afford it on my own, and if he's helping me pay for it I am still under his control, coz he can just blackmail me using the roof over my head.
And then there's the dog. Most people don't get it about the dog. He's not just a dog to me. I take my responsibility for him very seriously, and I need to have s home for him. He's not well, and I am fearing the worst for him. He's got an appointment at the vets on Monday, and I expect they'll x-ray him. Istrongly suspect he has osteo-sarcoma. It's very common with older male rottweilers, and I've seen it before with other rotts I've owned. I'm not wishing ill on my best friend, but if it is a bone cancer, then I'll have no choice but to have him put to sleep, because it is a very aggressive and untreatable condition. Diagnosis to death is rarely more than a matter of weeks, and he's already suffering. If that's the case, I'll feel like I took care of him for his natural life span, and fulfilled my promise to him. When my man went for the dog with the knife I suddenly saw things more clearly. The dog, a supposed "Devil-Dog" if you listen to the media, has never, once in his whole life ever hurt me. All he's done is loved me loyally and faithfully, protected me with conviction and been my very best friend. And the man who is supposed to love me could take a few lessons from that dog. The dog comes first now, and I'll put up with all manner of s*** in order to give him a warm comfortable place to stay for what is likely to be his last days. After that there isn't anything I care enough about left for him to use against me, and I can just move on.
One thing dealing with my addiction taught me was patience. Things don't happen over night, and you just have to keep your eyes on the prize. I know what I want. I just want to be in my own place, a safe place, where I can make a home for me and the baby. I don't want to have to rely on anybody. I can guess his next move. once the dog is out of the picture, and he can no longer use him to control me, he'll develop a sudden interest in our child. He'll stop whining about how he feels everything is f***ed up because I got pregnant (you know he has said several times that he wished I'd never told him I was pregnant and just got rid of it - that's the depth of his selfishness) and start trying to make me believe I need him around for the good of our child. He'll suddenly try and make me believe that he'll be a good dad, and play on my desire to have a proper family. Coz his approach up to now has completely backfired on him. In the beginning, he made it clear he had doubts about the baby, and for a while I tried really hard to make him see that things could be good, that we could be happy with our own family. And he kept on stringing it out, saying he just needed more time to come to terms with it. But I just got to the point where I thought "time's up!". So told him that I can't sit here listening to him whinge on endlessly about how he'll never be happy again, so if he can't come to terms with it by now, just uck off! Wise up or bail out, coz he's just sucking the happiness out of my life, and I don't need it or want it. Then he did his "I can't just walk away when you're pregnant" routine. Why not? I asked him. "I'd be happier without you". Then he tried to convince me I couldn't cope without him, harking back to how thin I was before he started "taking care of me", how much of mess I was mentally. Funny, I remember being thin (vaguely...LOL!) but I had my own little place, security, safety, independence. And I was coming through heroin addiction. Coming through with flying colours, I seem to remember. I think I was doing pretty well, actually.
Anyway, now that he's seen that approach is no longer working, he'll walk into a phone box and come out as "Super Dad", no doubt. Coz he knows that is what I wanted all along. But he's just playing on my desires, and he'll no more be Super Dad, then he will be a loving and supportive partner. The thing about facades, is that they crumble, and I can see through them. True colours always shine through. Being sorry just isn't enough. If he really wanted to do something about his temper, then he'd seek professional help, but even then I doubt he'd take it seriously. He's always been so suspicious and scathing of the fact I see a psychiatrist, so I feel he would go at things with the wrong attitude. He asked me if I thought a psychiatrist could help him and I said yes, I think it would be a start. He thinks that stopping drinking is all he needs to do. But the thing is, he isn't really a drinker. Yes when he drinks he can get violent, but he doesn't drink that often. It doesn't take a lot for him to lose a handle on things, and sometimes he's violent when he hasn't been drinking.
But there you go. At least whilst he's away it's just me and the dog, and we're OK on our own. I just want to sort out a house for ourselves, as soon as possible.
love
Diff xxxx
