My name is Darin and I am a recovering addict of 6yrs. I understand the pain you are going through on so many levels. As much as you love your hubby, HE has to make a choice. Tell him to: GIVE HIMSELF A CHANCE! That is a great start because thats the one thing we addicts wait along time to do...if we do it at all. Just as we choose to use, we have to choose to take our lives back and get clean. The road to recovery is not easy and even after we have reached that point, we are not out of the woods just yet. There are still behaviors and ways that still linger after getting clean. With that being said, rercovery has to be a full term commitment. and what about you....
PLEASE consider yourself in this first and formost. This is not your burden to bare and if you try to do so you stand the chance of being consumed by it. This is his road to recovery...you only serve as a passanger along the way...helping when and were you can. You are soon to be a mother(THE GREATEST BEING CREATED!) and this time needs to be focused on YOU...the one that matters most! All the best to you!
reply to Darin: Thank you so much for writting back, right now I've been so emotional lately, everything makes me cry, but most of all I want to know "WHY!?" I'm very scared right now
Only he can answer that!
From my experience the why is because of the choices I made. I thought it was because of past events in my life or bad experiences along the way but at the end of the day, my choice to use heroin and what happened in the past were to different subjects and once I separted them I begame to get it.
You should be concerned because you are thinking for 2 now(or 3 depending on how you look at it). You have to focus on you as hard as it may be at this time. YOU MATTER MOST IN THIS because this is not your burben and yet you are STRONGLY affected by it! Your health is very important right now so please take care of youreself and try to find some peace.
From my experience the why is because of the choices I made. I thought it was because of past events in my life or bad experiences along the way but at the end of the day, my choice to use heroin and what happened in the past were to different subjects and once I separted them I begame to get it.
You should be concerned because you are thinking for 2 now(or 3 depending on how you look at it). You have to focus on you as hard as it may be at this time. YOU MATTER MOST IN THIS because this is not your burben and yet you are STRONGLY affected by it! Your health is very important right now so please take care of youreself and try to find some peace.
Dear Darin, you know I was told that you have to be a heroin addict to understand one, is that true? My husband is a good husand and a good father and a great provider ect..ect...as long as he is sober. When I met my husband I was very cautious about getting involved with a man again, being divorced for almost 4 yrs, specially if he had skeletons in his closet. Anyways we dated for 3 yrs and then we got married. We lived happy for almost 4 yrs when he first fell back into heroin, I say "first fell back into" because from that, it was my first I experienced. Our lives changed alot, I commited my self to help him through it, thats when he told me about his sad and ugly past he was hiding from me. Yes I was very upset, But I was so in love with him that I told him that we would get through it no matter what!, and that "no matter what" has been very costly. he was clean for 2 yrs after that, when again we were in limbo, I say we because, I as his wife we were one, so I thought. From then on I became the main financial provider. back then he was in Roofing and I was a nurse, we made very good money together. since the 2nd time Our lives changed even more. when I had our fist baby I decided to start a small buisness and work at home, thank god I was very successful with my small buisness because it has been the only thing we have right to support house hold. You know each time has been getting worse and worse, he has stolen from us, from checks to jewlery and house appliances, my son's play staton, X-box, all of his games he took. I was completely flabergasted! He has gotten himself in lots of trouble with the law in and out of jail and court. last year 2005 he was doing very well, for his birthday in June I got him a very nice big truck a Dodge Ram just how he wanted it. On Oct05 he came home with out it very nonshelont, gave a story that didn't make any since and till today I don't know the truth about the truck or the where abouts if it, so I had to reported stolen. Today it's been a week since I last saw him or spoke to him, nobody knows where he is, he simply has disappeared!?
I understand the statement but you dont have to be one to understand the pain of the disease of addiction. Loving someone addicted is very "costly",to your soul, mind, spirit, and heart! I understand that your feelings are caught up in this but you must separate and see that you could give all the help in the world but if HE does'nt make the choice, then he will stay stuck. You see first hand what havoc is being caused to your life by his addiction. At some point you may have to decide to leave...as much as you love him. I know what he is going through...its like you know what you are doing is so wrong but in your world its so right. Addicts become programed to there way of life at some point.....its called doing what you have come to know as"normal". Underneath it all there is a loving caring husband as you full well know, but he cant see past his pain to see what his choices are doing to you and his life altogether.
Again, it all draws back to you because you matter above all! Who is seeing after your feelings...who's whiping your tears or soothing your hurting heart? You, as a mother are the greatest being on this earth as should be uplifted...not burdened down with your husbands addiction.
Again, it all draws back to you because you matter above all! Who is seeing after your feelings...who's whiping your tears or soothing your hurting heart? You, as a mother are the greatest being on this earth as should be uplifted...not burdened down with your husbands addiction.
Hi Lali, Hope today finds you a little stronger. I am sorry you are going through this. Us addicts what we don't do. It's unimaginable. After we get clean even we can't believe some of the things we did.
I kind of echo Darin in as you don't have to be a heroin addict to understand the pain, anguish, horror etc. In fact I feel more for our loved ones. At least we were numb, and focused. Boy are we focused. On getting that next bag/hit/fix.
I believe your husband is a good person. I say IS because that dope fiend is not your husband you fell in love with. This body that steals his own children's Play Station is heroin. Most people would not believe you when you say "My husband came home without his beautiful truck, and I have to wonder what happened to it". They'd be like "Nah. Nobody would just sell a lovely, perfect truck". Pfffffffff. When you're dope sick you sell your body. You sell your soul. You have no heart that can be felt or hurt.
It's in there though. The heart is there. He needs to make the choice to uncover it, and come back to the living. It can be done as you have saw here. Meanwhile you are a mother of children who are seeing fear, hurt, and anguish, and they NEED YOU. You are not to blame for being heroic, and helping him initially. We all needed someone to help us in our fight. YOU sweetie is who you need to care for right now. You, and your children.
Thinking of you today, and please know he'll find his way if he wants to. He needs to do it himself. Your understanding right now needs to be on you, and the kids. Over on the families forum they know more about your pain, and anguish. Us we can help you too. We're the ones though that did the awful things, and now pay the price with guilt. (well I do). I stole from my family, and I even stole from my child. My own child. A little kid. I'm actually a very good person. Decent, and caring, and empathetic. In my dope hazed time I would have walked over my own mother ill to get my dope. I'm not proud of that to say the least. I literally did that and took the money from her hand. Today I'm taking care of her, and being the responsible parent I had been from get go until dope.
Much positive vibes sent to you today. You hang in there, darling. We're here.
I kind of echo Darin in as you don't have to be a heroin addict to understand the pain, anguish, horror etc. In fact I feel more for our loved ones. At least we were numb, and focused. Boy are we focused. On getting that next bag/hit/fix.
I believe your husband is a good person. I say IS because that dope fiend is not your husband you fell in love with. This body that steals his own children's Play Station is heroin. Most people would not believe you when you say "My husband came home without his beautiful truck, and I have to wonder what happened to it". They'd be like "Nah. Nobody would just sell a lovely, perfect truck". Pfffffffff. When you're dope sick you sell your body. You sell your soul. You have no heart that can be felt or hurt.
It's in there though. The heart is there. He needs to make the choice to uncover it, and come back to the living. It can be done as you have saw here. Meanwhile you are a mother of children who are seeing fear, hurt, and anguish, and they NEED YOU. You are not to blame for being heroic, and helping him initially. We all needed someone to help us in our fight. YOU sweetie is who you need to care for right now. You, and your children.
Thinking of you today, and please know he'll find his way if he wants to. He needs to do it himself. Your understanding right now needs to be on you, and the kids. Over on the families forum they know more about your pain, and anguish. Us we can help you too. We're the ones though that did the awful things, and now pay the price with guilt. (well I do). I stole from my family, and I even stole from my child. My own child. A little kid. I'm actually a very good person. Decent, and caring, and empathetic. In my dope hazed time I would have walked over my own mother ill to get my dope. I'm not proud of that to say the least. I literally did that and took the money from her hand. Today I'm taking care of her, and being the responsible parent I had been from get go until dope.
Much positive vibes sent to you today. You hang in there, darling. We're here.
Good morning Lali, I hope you have a great day!
Great post Bryn!!
Great post Bryn!!
reply goes to Darin, and Bryn.
I'm very thankful for finding you guys, I really appericiate your kind advice, I can feel the true regret of your experience with addiction. I was in deep prayer last night for all addicts, recovered, and all the families, ands friends. I had been reading alot of the post's and my heart had never felt so much pain for all who like us have experience such evil. It really blows me away, I never new exactly it would be sort of like an infestation of this kind of disease. Today it was a very emtional and difficult day for me, I had my OB appt. and the Dr. did the first sonogram of our baby, today I'm 12wks and 3 days, and Oh! how I wished my husband was there with us, when I saw our baby's heart beating and his body completely formed and moving all over the place, I couldn't be tough any more! my tears just streamed down my face! and then when the Dr said it looks like it's going to be a boy! I missed him even more and wanted to go and look for him to tell him the good news, it's what we alwasys wanted a boy, a son for him to teach his boy all he knows just like in a fairy tale story. I finally pulled myself together and when I got to my car I sat there for over an hour just thinling about our children, about my 15 yr old son, my 1st born from my previous marriage, and I got so scared for him and my daughter and unborn. I feared their cross-roads and the choices they are going to make, the types of friends my 15yr old has ect...ect... I felt like I needed to be home with my children right there and then. I'm going to speak with my oldest and I going to get help for us as a family I want to inroll in more parenting classes for teens and toddlers, I want to be completely open with My oldest about his step-father, I know he loves him very much, but he is very angree, he told me "I told you so!", " I new he was lying!", "he always promises the same thing! and never keeps his promise!" My son doesn't really know how bad it is, I didn't tell him what kind of drug he is using or about the truck. I'm just going to come out clean with my son, I want him to know how bad drugs are and I want him to fear them so he won't ever try them in his life,, you know I'm just very scared!!!!!!!! I just want, GOD!! this really hurts!!! my mind is thinking!! and thinking!!
I guess I stop now I'm getting light headed, please keep writing to me.
thank again Darin and Bryn I send you my prayers and love and friendship
and to Janet thank you to for you support!!
I'm very thankful for finding you guys, I really appericiate your kind advice, I can feel the true regret of your experience with addiction. I was in deep prayer last night for all addicts, recovered, and all the families, ands friends. I had been reading alot of the post's and my heart had never felt so much pain for all who like us have experience such evil. It really blows me away, I never new exactly it would be sort of like an infestation of this kind of disease. Today it was a very emtional and difficult day for me, I had my OB appt. and the Dr. did the first sonogram of our baby, today I'm 12wks and 3 days, and Oh! how I wished my husband was there with us, when I saw our baby's heart beating and his body completely formed and moving all over the place, I couldn't be tough any more! my tears just streamed down my face! and then when the Dr said it looks like it's going to be a boy! I missed him even more and wanted to go and look for him to tell him the good news, it's what we alwasys wanted a boy, a son for him to teach his boy all he knows just like in a fairy tale story. I finally pulled myself together and when I got to my car I sat there for over an hour just thinling about our children, about my 15 yr old son, my 1st born from my previous marriage, and I got so scared for him and my daughter and unborn. I feared their cross-roads and the choices they are going to make, the types of friends my 15yr old has ect...ect... I felt like I needed to be home with my children right there and then. I'm going to speak with my oldest and I going to get help for us as a family I want to inroll in more parenting classes for teens and toddlers, I want to be completely open with My oldest about his step-father, I know he loves him very much, but he is very angree, he told me "I told you so!", " I new he was lying!", "he always promises the same thing! and never keeps his promise!" My son doesn't really know how bad it is, I didn't tell him what kind of drug he is using or about the truck. I'm just going to come out clean with my son, I want him to know how bad drugs are and I want him to fear them so he won't ever try them in his life,, you know I'm just very scared!!!!!!!! I just want, GOD!! this really hurts!!! my mind is thinking!! and thinking!!
I guess I stop now I'm getting light headed, please keep writing to me.
thank again Darin and Bryn I send you my prayers and love and friendship
and to Janet thank you to for you support!!
Lali, Now ya got me crying.....your son....he is 15,,,,the very words you wrote that he said....oh, Lali....one time after a million times my own mother let me back in the house...my daughter is your son's age....they were...EXACTLY
those words....I TOLD YOU SO.....SEE....she did it again.
I'm so sorry....his anger will not wane....when we break our promise those teens get angry, and consumed, and justifiably PO'd.....I'm sorry you went through all this....your second son is here for a reason....little guy...ahhhhh.
Those appointments are emotional enough as it is...the Doc probably thought that's why you were crying....wish I could have been there to sit with you in the car, and have someone to share GOOD news with.
those words....I TOLD YOU SO.....SEE....she did it again.
I'm so sorry....his anger will not wane....when we break our promise those teens get angry, and consumed, and justifiably PO'd.....I'm sorry you went through all this....your second son is here for a reason....little guy...ahhhhh.
Those appointments are emotional enough as it is...the Doc probably thought that's why you were crying....wish I could have been there to sit with you in the car, and have someone to share GOOD news with.
Make that 2 for tears! From day one I have said there is NO greater being on this earth than a mother. The way you all bare your burdens and the burdens of others and continue to soar is truley amazing! I could see your stregnth in the very first post of yours I read.
CONGRATULATIONS on the news at the doc's office. I know that your are hurt by your hubby's absence but you have reason to celibrate. Hope is not lost Lali, as long as there is life there is hope. I know that in your mind you are trying to figure out the disease of addiction and you want to make it right for your husband but the best you can do is learn how to(and this is the big one)talk to your eldest son(smart move on your part)because your husbands experience can save him from making the same mistakes. He has a right to feel the way he does and alot of that comes from not understanding what his step~dad is going through. He does love and care for him but is dissapopointed in him for letting him down and or not keeping promises.
The reality of drug addiction can make you very fearful but if you imbrace that fear and use it to your advantage, both you and your children will feel better and less in the dark.
Your husband is there Lali! He is just so far deep into his own pain that he cant see yours. Dont think that because he is not there that he is care free, living without guilt for his choices. You and his family are probably his beacon of hope and reason to live. Though he cant say it I ,if I may would like to give you a message from him:
My dearest wife, thank you for the lifes you have given and the life you are about to give. You are about to give me the greatest gift a man could ask for. I apologize for ALL the pain that I am causing you...none of which you are to blame for. One day I will show you what an honor it is just to live in your light!
Respectfully and Most Sinserely,
Darin
CONGRATULATIONS on the news at the doc's office. I know that your are hurt by your hubby's absence but you have reason to celibrate. Hope is not lost Lali, as long as there is life there is hope. I know that in your mind you are trying to figure out the disease of addiction and you want to make it right for your husband but the best you can do is learn how to(and this is the big one)talk to your eldest son(smart move on your part)because your husbands experience can save him from making the same mistakes. He has a right to feel the way he does and alot of that comes from not understanding what his step~dad is going through. He does love and care for him but is dissapopointed in him for letting him down and or not keeping promises.
The reality of drug addiction can make you very fearful but if you imbrace that fear and use it to your advantage, both you and your children will feel better and less in the dark.
Your husband is there Lali! He is just so far deep into his own pain that he cant see yours. Dont think that because he is not there that he is care free, living without guilt for his choices. You and his family are probably his beacon of hope and reason to live. Though he cant say it I ,if I may would like to give you a message from him:
My dearest wife, thank you for the lifes you have given and the life you are about to give. You are about to give me the greatest gift a man could ask for. I apologize for ALL the pain that I am causing you...none of which you are to blame for. One day I will show you what an honor it is just to live in your light!
Respectfully and Most Sinserely,
Darin
Oh D you hit the spot every single time hon. You will get the whole H board in tears.
lali,
i told my boyfriend about my problem with heroin two nites ago, when i was 4 days in sober. i didnt think hed understand. he smokes pot, but nothing else. i was wrong. he was more supportive and happy that i told him than i ever imagined. i think it takes an addict to understand an addict, but u dont need to be an addict to understand what addicts feel and what drives/drove them to do s*** in the first place. i suppose at some point people throw in the towel with loved ones hooked on drugs. if they are harming you, then id agree. but maybe ur hubby needs u to understand and stay strong. scott just sat there, unjudging eyes watching. unheeded ears listening. it meant the world. he told me if i slipped up, hed catch me. as long as i stay honest. i think that honesty is a mega factor with addictions. any addiction that is "worth" lying about presents a problem. im not saying that truthful addictions are not problematic, but at least honest people feel humility and are willing to accept themselves and those around them. im only baby steps into sobriety, but im trying, and im beginning with honesty.
i told my boyfriend about my problem with heroin two nites ago, when i was 4 days in sober. i didnt think hed understand. he smokes pot, but nothing else. i was wrong. he was more supportive and happy that i told him than i ever imagined. i think it takes an addict to understand an addict, but u dont need to be an addict to understand what addicts feel and what drives/drove them to do s*** in the first place. i suppose at some point people throw in the towel with loved ones hooked on drugs. if they are harming you, then id agree. but maybe ur hubby needs u to understand and stay strong. scott just sat there, unjudging eyes watching. unheeded ears listening. it meant the world. he told me if i slipped up, hed catch me. as long as i stay honest. i think that honesty is a mega factor with addictions. any addiction that is "worth" lying about presents a problem. im not saying that truthful addictions are not problematic, but at least honest people feel humility and are willing to accept themselves and those around them. im only baby steps into sobriety, but im trying, and im beginning with honesty.
this reply goes to Darin, Bryn, and Melissa77
Good evenning my new friends! its about 9:30pm here in San Diego, I was so busy today, I had it all planned out the night before, I couldn't even sleep, I wanted to make sure I was going to say the right things or how to say them with out hurting my son even more. I finished working earlier than I expected, I'm a child care provider so I work from home, anyways all the parents pick up their children early, it was a God! thing! I hardly never finish on time on fridays, I was done by 4pm!, my son gets home about 4:45pm from practice, I went to the store and I got him a perfect card, telling him how much I love him and his little sister and the one on the way, not promising anything that I can't keep, I took my kids to dinner, we ate at Red Lobster, my son's idea, we talked about school, his friends, and of course girls. One thing I can say about my son is that ever since kindergarden he has been an I quote the teachers "an honor or a pleasure to have in class", he is in High School now and he has maintained a 3.5 GPA, I've always thought of him to be a little more mature than other kids his age. So you can see why I have alot to worry about him, I have been slacking off, sort of speaking, I haven't had a good conversation with him like this probably since he was 13yrs old, John Anthony has a very melow additude, he likes sports and trys to participate in as many as he can depending on the season, he plays guitar acustic and electric, and loves to write music and stories, he has a great imagination, anyways I can go on for ever about Johnny! he's my pride an joy!
Well, we got home and and we talked about my husband and he started to cry and he hugged me and he said that he was tired of seeing me sad, I mean he really let it all out!, he went back to when I was married to his father how it hurt him to see me so sad back then and then he said that maybe if he hadn't introduced me to his step-dad, I wouldn't be going though this, so you can understand what he is talking about, I'll tell you the story real quick, Johnny was 5yrs old, he was at a party with my parents, and he was playing basket ball and he happen to be in Marco's team, anyways I arrived later that evenning when Johnny comes in looking for me telling me "mommy!, mommy!" "guess what I found our perfect husband !", "he has perfect white teeth just like you it" "and he has a nice smile" "he looks very strong" he said "come here come and meet him" I had just sat down to eat, everyone around us heard what he was saying because he was pretty excited and loud, anyways the host of the party, months before she was telling me about her brother Marco who was also divorced but I had never met, just heard of him by mouth. so back to the party, all of a sudden johnny say's to me "mommy! this is him! and grabs my hand as he was holding his and I just looked up at his eyes, I just felt him looking right through me, I couldn't eat anymore, and all that night Johnny was playing basket ball with Marco, I was so embarrest. That night Johnny told me he fell in love with Marco. You know guys, it's bringing me alot of great memories and yes I'm crying like a baby! It was love at first sight! and my relationship start from there.
Johnny and I had a real good cry together, I told him about the importance of being a family and the roles that real family take part in. at first he was recentful toward Marco and then I changed sinerios on him instead of Marco being an addict, what if his little sister became one when she was 16 yrs old, he would be 31 yrs old what would he do? He quickly responded, "of course we have to help her!" with tears in his eyes he tells me "mom I know now what you mean we have to help Dad! He told me he loves Marco very much, that he is his best friend, that he was real mad at him for leaving us all the time and for changing, that he is not Marco at all anymore. so guess wha tI did?????? I got on line and I started showing him post's!! All he said was no way! today was his first time knowing the truth about his step-dad, I didn't leave anything out, I was pretty raw!
I hope you guys get to read this post, sorry I couldn't write it sooner but I was with my son most of the evenning, my chest feels alot lighter and I have Johnny support to be here when and if Marco wants to come home. we decided that it is his problem but all we can do is be there for support and show him our love and respect.
well guys I'll stop here, I'll write to you guys tomorrow 3/4/06 it's 11:17pm here in San Diego California, it started to sprinkle, good I'm in the mood for some rain!
sending you guys all my prayer's and unconditional love!! GOODNIGHT!!
Always Lali
Good evenning my new friends! its about 9:30pm here in San Diego, I was so busy today, I had it all planned out the night before, I couldn't even sleep, I wanted to make sure I was going to say the right things or how to say them with out hurting my son even more. I finished working earlier than I expected, I'm a child care provider so I work from home, anyways all the parents pick up their children early, it was a God! thing! I hardly never finish on time on fridays, I was done by 4pm!, my son gets home about 4:45pm from practice, I went to the store and I got him a perfect card, telling him how much I love him and his little sister and the one on the way, not promising anything that I can't keep, I took my kids to dinner, we ate at Red Lobster, my son's idea, we talked about school, his friends, and of course girls. One thing I can say about my son is that ever since kindergarden he has been an I quote the teachers "an honor or a pleasure to have in class", he is in High School now and he has maintained a 3.5 GPA, I've always thought of him to be a little more mature than other kids his age. So you can see why I have alot to worry about him, I have been slacking off, sort of speaking, I haven't had a good conversation with him like this probably since he was 13yrs old, John Anthony has a very melow additude, he likes sports and trys to participate in as many as he can depending on the season, he plays guitar acustic and electric, and loves to write music and stories, he has a great imagination, anyways I can go on for ever about Johnny! he's my pride an joy!
Well, we got home and and we talked about my husband and he started to cry and he hugged me and he said that he was tired of seeing me sad, I mean he really let it all out!, he went back to when I was married to his father how it hurt him to see me so sad back then and then he said that maybe if he hadn't introduced me to his step-dad, I wouldn't be going though this, so you can understand what he is talking about, I'll tell you the story real quick, Johnny was 5yrs old, he was at a party with my parents, and he was playing basket ball and he happen to be in Marco's team, anyways I arrived later that evenning when Johnny comes in looking for me telling me "mommy!, mommy!" "guess what I found our perfect husband !", "he has perfect white teeth just like you it" "and he has a nice smile" "he looks very strong" he said "come here come and meet him" I had just sat down to eat, everyone around us heard what he was saying because he was pretty excited and loud, anyways the host of the party, months before she was telling me about her brother Marco who was also divorced but I had never met, just heard of him by mouth. so back to the party, all of a sudden johnny say's to me "mommy! this is him! and grabs my hand as he was holding his and I just looked up at his eyes, I just felt him looking right through me, I couldn't eat anymore, and all that night Johnny was playing basket ball with Marco, I was so embarrest. That night Johnny told me he fell in love with Marco. You know guys, it's bringing me alot of great memories and yes I'm crying like a baby! It was love at first sight! and my relationship start from there.
Johnny and I had a real good cry together, I told him about the importance of being a family and the roles that real family take part in. at first he was recentful toward Marco and then I changed sinerios on him instead of Marco being an addict, what if his little sister became one when she was 16 yrs old, he would be 31 yrs old what would he do? He quickly responded, "of course we have to help her!" with tears in his eyes he tells me "mom I know now what you mean we have to help Dad! He told me he loves Marco very much, that he is his best friend, that he was real mad at him for leaving us all the time and for changing, that he is not Marco at all anymore. so guess wha tI did?????? I got on line and I started showing him post's!! All he said was no way! today was his first time knowing the truth about his step-dad, I didn't leave anything out, I was pretty raw!
I hope you guys get to read this post, sorry I couldn't write it sooner but I was with my son most of the evenning, my chest feels alot lighter and I have Johnny support to be here when and if Marco wants to come home. we decided that it is his problem but all we can do is be there for support and show him our love and respect.
well guys I'll stop here, I'll write to you guys tomorrow 3/4/06 it's 11:17pm here in San Diego California, it started to sprinkle, good I'm in the mood for some rain!
sending you guys all my prayer's and unconditional love!! GOODNIGHT!!
Always Lali
Well.............!
See what happens when you imbrace that fear. Knowing is better than not knowing and by telling Jonnie the truth in full will help him in multiple ways. Plus you all can form a support system for both yourselves and for your hubby when he comes around. You sound like you are on your way of understanding in that you and Jonnie realize that this is not a burden for either of you to bare. Help and offer support without inabling....all the work has to come from him!
On top of being a mom(I know you are proud, as well you should be)you are a childcare provider...just showing proof of what an amamzing woman you are! Today is your day to be honored! Take time out for you today! All the best to you!
Darin
See what happens when you imbrace that fear. Knowing is better than not knowing and by telling Jonnie the truth in full will help him in multiple ways. Plus you all can form a support system for both yourselves and for your hubby when he comes around. You sound like you are on your way of understanding in that you and Jonnie realize that this is not a burden for either of you to bare. Help and offer support without inabling....all the work has to come from him!
On top of being a mom(I know you are proud, as well you should be)you are a childcare provider...just showing proof of what an amamzing woman you are! Today is your day to be honored! Take time out for you today! All the best to you!
Darin
ita truly amazing how family and friends begin to embrace the coping process when we begin to be honest. i isolated my friends and family from my life...or shall i say i isolated myself from them. i had a tee shirt on today for the first time in over a month now. its cold as sh** in ny, but i didnt care. went to my dads today...didnt try to make an excuse for my behaviors...just tried to whole honesty thing...it wasnt so bad. i feel like such an a******e for being so distant and undeserving to my loved ones. im stopping to smelll flowers in march in ny. there aint none, but i know the crocuses are popping. spring always means cleaning. no matter where u are. so self cleansing would be good. i dont chalk anything up to religion. possibly star alignment and astrological explanatation seems alot more realistic. god didnt make me do my deeds. nor did the stars, sun or moon. mel did. but sometimes i attempt to justify by alter influence, and i believe in the truth is in our souls and our true spirits. the drugs mask that stuff. they kill our ego, spirit and soul. but when im down and out...i forget that. i think that itll make it better when i feel bad. it never does. im beginning to realize that. maybe for a brief moment. but then i gotta lie to the world agian. the few people that know my situation go thru my purse and pull up my sleeves. if i let them down they will still be there for me, but it makes me look like an a**. somehow that has stopped me from scoring. and thats good. its humility. i kinda like the threat of humiliation. i kinda like being embarrassed. only cuz i found a place (here) where i can be honest. or at least related to, to the point where i feel "felt". when i stopped using, i erased my guys number. i had a moment the other day where i made at least 10 calls trying to find the number. i felt horrid. i felt desparate. i drank a lot. but i didnt get any dope. sometimes i feel like i can do it just once more. but i think about it oo much so i know i cant. i was hanging with a new friend i made and im a chef, so i have scars. and i jokingly said that my arms are so bad that i could look like a "track star"...and he said "but u arent a heroin addict, right?" and i said "of course not. not today" he didnt get that cuz he has no idea. but to be able to joke about myself was funny. im so pale that ima have those scars for a while. but like i said. im a chef. and im a clutz. i got lots of scars. internal and external. sh**...ill just put a tattoo there if they dont fade. maybe something inspirational so if i urge i look there and cringe. maybe big letters in each elbow crook. one saying "DONT DO IT A******E" on the other one "HA....I SAID DONT DO IT!" that would be funny. if my band takes off...im the chick in the video ripping up the microphone with the slightly legible words on her arms...the words of wisdom. HA........the words of my alter self. the one whom i am relying on to be strong. cuz the mels i know has been broken. crazy glue like a muther. crazy glue...crazy gurl....its all relative. everything has its place. every moment has its time. when i get those strange urges im trying this count to 10.... as martin lawrence said..... WOOOOOSSAAAAHHHH.
