Hi guys thank you all so much for the replies. I read them and will re read them in the morning. Today I have been out to the town where I go to meet with my addiction counselor and my sponsor so I have spent most of the day with them . I am exhausted but just wanted to say hi to everyone and let you know that I appreciate all the replies and am thankful for all the advice. I apologize to anyone I might have offended with my bitchy attitude it was not my intent. The committee (as you guys call it) really had a heck of a meeting in my head. Still not sure where I stand other than that I am on shaky ground.Haven't drank tho . Have a lot of serious thinking to do. I am going to be doing a therapy program that deals with thought patterns . You know ,I was doing so good or I thought I was, then wham! all old insecurities,fear and cravings came back full force. MY sponsor says it's because I "snatched" it all back.MY sponsor and all of you here have given me a lot to think about . I guess all of you aren't wrong. You seem to be doing better than me so maybe I should learn from your example and take your advice. Just find it so darn hard to relent. MY husband said to me tonight that alcohol must have had a real powerful hold over me for me to want it more than anything in my life .But he just don't understand what it is like and I don't expect him too. He don't drink anything at all since I gave it up and even before I did he would only drink at social event and very lightly.Right now I feel like running from everyone who don't want me drinking just so I can. Isn't that a terrible thing to admit that I rather be in a room alone somewhere drinking ,than to be with my family?Anyway I am going off to bed and tonight ask God to take it all over and see if tomorrow is a brighter day.P.S know all about the trash can problem too (lol) God bless you all and thank you for being here for me. BE safe
Gidday Pirate
There is a part of my mind that when it sees fear and insecurity it magnifies it and this magnification is so quick it happens faster than pH increase or micro-organism explosion, bugga it just happens quick:)LOL
Anyway if i allow this part of my mind free rain it does not want me to be sober or happy, it wants me to drink and be sad so that it may thrive and bloom...its name is addiction, cunning, baffling and powerful.
Every day you stay sober it is struggling for room in your sober mind and will magnify anything and everything for more space, keep posting what is going on for you and keep being as grateful as you are because one day at a time the real and beautiful you is growing stronger, keep up the good work
light and love zac
There is a part of my mind that when it sees fear and insecurity it magnifies it and this magnification is so quick it happens faster than pH increase or micro-organism explosion, bugga it just happens quick:)LOL
Anyway if i allow this part of my mind free rain it does not want me to be sober or happy, it wants me to drink and be sad so that it may thrive and bloom...its name is addiction, cunning, baffling and powerful.
Every day you stay sober it is struggling for room in your sober mind and will magnify anything and everything for more space, keep posting what is going on for you and keep being as grateful as you are because one day at a time the real and beautiful you is growing stronger, keep up the good work
light and love zac
pirate, here's something you just said to everyone here and to God:
"Right now I feel like running from everyone who don't want me drinking just so I can. Isn't that a terrible thing to admit that I rather be in a room alone somewhere drinking ,than to be with my family?Anyway I am going off to bed and tonight ask God to take it all over and see if tomorrow is a brighter day"
I read this somewhere:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed...........
You've even written it down lol.......Seems to me someone's doing pretty good and maybe doesn't even fully appreciate her progress. What do you think? lol
"Right now I feel like running from everyone who don't want me drinking just so I can. Isn't that a terrible thing to admit that I rather be in a room alone somewhere drinking ,than to be with my family?Anyway I am going off to bed and tonight ask God to take it all over and see if tomorrow is a brighter day"
I read this somewhere:
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed...........
You've even written it down lol.......Seems to me someone's doing pretty good and maybe doesn't even fully appreciate her progress. What do you think? lol
Pirate, what bitchy attitude?? I have followed you since you joined and I ain't got a clue what you are on about!!
Hey Pirate
Not its not a terrible thing to admit or think - its the reality of alcoholism. I used to scheme and work to get my husband out of the house so I could have the house to myself all day to drink with no one to comment on how much I was getting through.
when we used to "share" haha bottles or casks I would syphon wine off and put it in a drink container, hide it in the back of the fridge behind the celery or something so I wouldn't miss out on "my share". If he was on one of his dry spells I'd hide alcohol in my wardrobe and pour it into a coffee cup, and pretend his TV show was annoying me, go hide out in the spare room and drink. Then hurry to do mouthwash - and if he say he smell alcohol I would say "no its mouthwash".
this disease makes us do and think shameful things - that's why the next day brings us so much guilt shame and remorse.
you're sober today Pirate and that's what matters.
Idgie
Not its not a terrible thing to admit or think - its the reality of alcoholism. I used to scheme and work to get my husband out of the house so I could have the house to myself all day to drink with no one to comment on how much I was getting through.
when we used to "share" haha bottles or casks I would syphon wine off and put it in a drink container, hide it in the back of the fridge behind the celery or something so I wouldn't miss out on "my share". If he was on one of his dry spells I'd hide alcohol in my wardrobe and pour it into a coffee cup, and pretend his TV show was annoying me, go hide out in the spare room and drink. Then hurry to do mouthwash - and if he say he smell alcohol I would say "no its mouthwash".
this disease makes us do and think shameful things - that's why the next day brings us so much guilt shame and remorse.
you're sober today Pirate and that's what matters.
Idgie
Thank you Idgie. Yea I know all about the "hiding" places and I can relate to having extra stashed away. I hid it in the closets and the cabinets and the dressers and any place else I knew my husband wouldn't find it or look. Always had an extra bottle tucked away in the rooms. so I would pretend I have to go to washroom just so I could sneak more and when it appeared I was sipping on what was in my glass. I would go in and gulp down a beer or another glass of wine and come back out.
One time I was hiding away beer in a spare bedroom while my husband was outside and I dropped it and broke 2 bottles. What a panic I was in! trying to get it cleaned up before he came in.lol .What energy we have used trying to hide it though hey? I have used just about every trick in the book. There are stories I could tell that would have you laughing your a...s off at the extremes I went to.I was so deceitful. Make no wonder I find it hard to trust anyone. I have pretended I drank a half bottle of wine when of course I had it all gone and more besides .,. The empty bottle I had left I used to put gravey browning in it and fill half with water so it looked like half a bottle of wine left.The type of wine I drank was port and it had 20% alcholol so it had a dark color to it. and I had it down pat on how much gravey browning to use and mix with water to make it look like the wine in the green bottle that it came in. Anyway just some of the stupid things I did to try and hide my alcoholism. Now if I could only be so clever of finding ways to stay sober I be on a roll. lol Take care Idgie. and thanks for sharing
One time I was hiding away beer in a spare bedroom while my husband was outside and I dropped it and broke 2 bottles. What a panic I was in! trying to get it cleaned up before he came in.lol .What energy we have used trying to hide it though hey? I have used just about every trick in the book. There are stories I could tell that would have you laughing your a...s off at the extremes I went to.I was so deceitful. Make no wonder I find it hard to trust anyone. I have pretended I drank a half bottle of wine when of course I had it all gone and more besides .,. The empty bottle I had left I used to put gravey browning in it and fill half with water so it looked like half a bottle of wine left.The type of wine I drank was port and it had 20% alcholol so it had a dark color to it. and I had it down pat on how much gravey browning to use and mix with water to make it look like the wine in the green bottle that it came in. Anyway just some of the stupid things I did to try and hide my alcoholism. Now if I could only be so clever of finding ways to stay sober I be on a roll. lol Take care Idgie. and thanks for sharing
`Hey pirate
wow that brown gravy circus made me laugh!! When you look back on that now you can really see the insanity can't you?
Oh I was so deceitful. I was always a wine drinker myself, but then I started buying gin cause it was easier to hide. Would let me hubby think I was drinking a soft drink (it was half gin) and so he'd be pleased that I wasn't drinking so much wine.
uuggghhh.
reading your other thread sounds like you are getting honest with yoursefl. I've been told many times that honesty is the core to getting sober - its the hardest part too. I have been dishonest in so many ways and I couldn't even see it. And every time I think I've got it covered now another layer is peeled back and I see more of the disfunction.
take care Pirate.
wow that brown gravy circus made me laugh!! When you look back on that now you can really see the insanity can't you?
Oh I was so deceitful. I was always a wine drinker myself, but then I started buying gin cause it was easier to hide. Would let me hubby think I was drinking a soft drink (it was half gin) and so he'd be pleased that I wasn't drinking so much wine.
uuggghhh.
reading your other thread sounds like you are getting honest with yoursefl. I've been told many times that honesty is the core to getting sober - its the hardest part too. I have been dishonest in so many ways and I couldn't even see it. And every time I think I've got it covered now another layer is peeled back and I see more of the disfunction.
take care Pirate.
