Hi everyone, well i thought i would post a message today basically i pysically could not do it yesterday as i felt really emotional yesterday(saturday)
I really dont know what had happened my head was all over the place and all i did was cry. I know its sounds as if im weak but I dont know the last time ive cried like that, you know the way you just cant stop crying and no matter how much i tried i felt so guilty and so selfish in what ive being the past 5 to 6 years i guess im so angry at myself for letting things get so bad and i just couldnt control my life, drugs were always my first priority then i would try and deal with what was going on round about me, but i wasnt really dealing with it I was running away from it. What im trying to say is it terrifies me thinking how low my body got i honestly could not see a way forward and the past month i was getting no help and i was on my knees begging proffesionals to help me as my body just could not function without heroin and i linked in with my local hospital but they said a month ago to me i had to keep using heroin until they thought i was mentally ready for subutex. Hearing those words keep using was killing me but i could not do nothing about it. Now im 7 days free of heroin and it feels so damn good i feel so overwhelmed there is now hope for me. So for anyone out there who thinks like me then there is hope for you to. You can beat this i really think if you really want to do it you will, and when you stop taking everything else in your life will start to fall into place. Thank god for subutex i know i keep going on about it but i had tried everything else and nothing worked for me but this time its so different. The sub has definetly helped deal with the pysical side which in turn helps me deal with the mental side of my life.
I have my mum who is a great support to me and ive been living with her the past week and thats been great for me as i stay on my own and having my familys support around me means so much. My daughter is 16 and has been staying with my mum as she is still in full time education, she is such a bright girl and i guess she reminds me of the way i was at 16 with so much to look forward to im life i think im so scared of what might happen if she takes her eye of the ball but my mum says one thing good which has come out of this mess is she will NEVER take drugs as she has seen what it has done to me she just would not go there. Me crying uncontrolable yesterday was my emotions, my guilt,my sense of relief that its finally happening for me. Its bloody hard coming off drugs i wont lie about that, i would rather have had to recover from major surgery than go through that again, never say never i know but at least ive got the chance now of getting some quality of life. I will have to rebuild me again as the past 5 years have been hell. I had no interest in relationships and have no good friends so i am feeling lonely and lost but surely heroin is out my life now things should start going better for me. Anyway ive babbled enough.....LOL.......thanks for listening..........yesterday was hard but today is better......And i guess the most important thing i can say is i did not run to drugs i dealt with it and today is better.
Good luck to everyone out there and i trully mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Take Care Yvonne
Nice one for you Yvonne ...as ya said youve come a long way&hard to say the least...remember when you posted last month feeling really hopeless&low ..it just good for ya to have made it out of the jaws of addiction...thanks to yerself..oh..and a thing called Subutex.7days is great&you sound in good form..good to have the family support aswell.Hope things keep getting better...take care...Davey
Hi Davey, Thanks for your kind words, Ive been reading your posts over the past week and i hope you are doing ok. Whats been happening with you? I read about your relapse davey and it just proves that we will always have the demon on our shoulder, it really frightening. I know Ive got a long long way to go but im really wanting to give it my best shot as i was so unhappy. I feel a bit in limbo just now i feel vunreable and the last thing i want is to be near any temptation but i cant hide away for ever. Did you feel like that? The hospital think its too soon for me to go to meetings just incase.
Do you go to meetings? Ive read especially on this site that meetings are part of your recovery, what do you think?. This site is really good because Ive got strenght knowing that it can be done.............Bloody so so hard, but not impossible.
Take loads care
Yvonne
