Last time I visited here I was a hot mess. I am embarrassed that I came on here when I was drinking. I was in such a bad place. I'm happy to say I haven't used any drugs since Feb last year. The last time I came on was the only real close call that I have had. I dont know if drinking was the right way to handle my urge but it worked for me. I haven't done that again either. Ugh, I woke up sooo sick.
I have had a really hard year and instead of talking about it I just sank deeper and deeper into a black hole. I guess its cause I don't know how to explain it. I have metal health issues and instead of battling it I just let the depression and isolation take over. I stopped going out all together and stopped coming on here. I even stopped going to my medical doctor which is crazy. I need him for my HIV and Hep C issues...I just shut down.
A while back I got a special doc for the hep c and she told me I would have to go to counseling before they would start treatment because the treatment can cause depression so you need a therapist to say that your ok. Well I didnt want to do that. I cant tell you how much time I wasted resisting help. Its hard for me to go to counseling. In the past it has been a stepping stone to mental hospitals. I would reach out for help and they would lock me up. So I stopped going. I dont know how long it took me but I finally started going to counseling and it has actually helped me (duh LOL). Not only that but my counselor started a group for women with PTSD. It forces me out of the house once a week and once I get there Im so happy I went. So basically I'm doing really good. I still have a hard time going out. I cant remember the last time I went to the doctor which I know is dumb, but mentally I am feeling much better. I will get back to the doc soon.
I still struggle with wanting to use. Sometimes that's why I'm depressed cause I just want to be high. I miss it. But I am not giving up. I went on a diet yesterday. I've started so many diets but I feel like this time will be different. I gained like 100 pounds my first year home. That was like 7 years ago and thank God it stopped going up. I've stayed the same for the last 6 years but that did not help my depression. I started to hate myself. Today I love myself. I love my family and we have plans.In 3 years my parents and I are going to kick out my sons, (They have been warned) sell our house, buy a RV and travel all over America! I am so excited. This is the first time I have been truly excited about anything since I was pregnant with my kids. I have something to look forward to.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know what is going on with me. I have missed you guys and I'm so happy I finally got it together enough to reach out.
(((HUGS)))
Jessi!!!!!!
I am so glad to hear you are doing OK!!!! I reached out to you a couple times and we never got any response. I get attached to the people here, just like at the meetings at our clinic we hold each week and when a patient disappears with no word we worry and wonder.
It sounds like you have been to hell and back and then some. My husband has Hep C and went through 2 rounds of the chemo I think you are talking about. One is Interferon, the other is called Pegasus. Both worked for him so far. He did one and then a few years later had to do the 2nd one. I know that is why they are making you do the counseling first, but it is well worth it. It is a tough ride for some.
There is no need to tell you that it wasn't wise to not keep in touch with those that care about you here, you know that, but I also know what it's like to feel like you do, so all is forgiven:)
Just remember I am thinking about you and always wishing you the best.
Your going around the US in a motorhome sounds FUN!!!!!
Take care and PLEASE don't be a stranger. No one judges you here.
((((HUGS))))
granny
I am so glad to hear you are doing OK!!!! I reached out to you a couple times and we never got any response. I get attached to the people here, just like at the meetings at our clinic we hold each week and when a patient disappears with no word we worry and wonder.
It sounds like you have been to hell and back and then some. My husband has Hep C and went through 2 rounds of the chemo I think you are talking about. One is Interferon, the other is called Pegasus. Both worked for him so far. He did one and then a few years later had to do the 2nd one. I know that is why they are making you do the counseling first, but it is well worth it. It is a tough ride for some.
There is no need to tell you that it wasn't wise to not keep in touch with those that care about you here, you know that, but I also know what it's like to feel like you do, so all is forgiven:)
Just remember I am thinking about you and always wishing you the best.
Your going around the US in a motorhome sounds FUN!!!!!
Take care and PLEASE don't be a stranger. No one judges you here.
((((HUGS))))
granny
Jessi - friend and head-butter - YAY! I am SO happy to hear from you...I think of you every time I see a newcomer post then vanish after awhile. I say a little prayer for you today and am really happy to hear sounding so, well, happy =)
You keep doing what you're doing and do check in at least once in awhile to let us know about you...we don't just care about the good days, we can help you through the not-so-good days, too.
Sending you love and good vibes ~ M&M xo
You keep doing what you're doing and do check in at least once in awhile to let us know about you...we don't just care about the good days, we can help you through the not-so-good days, too.
Sending you love and good vibes ~ M&M xo
Hay jessi
You helped me a lot even though you probably didnt realise it, when I was struggling, you have been through so much and are still here, someone is watching over you, this life is give and take sister, maybe time you started tapping into that love and support that is out there, hang on in there sweetie
And shine on
Just passing through love
bob
You helped me a lot even though you probably didnt realise it, when I was struggling, you have been through so much and are still here, someone is watching over you, this life is give and take sister, maybe time you started tapping into that love and support that is out there, hang on in there sweetie
And shine on
Just passing through love
bob
