Hi Guys, Im New!

Heroin
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Hello everyone,
Im new to this site but I need some friends who might understand. Im 22, I live in Dublin, Ireland and I have a little boy who is nearly 14 months old. Me and his dad split up just before his 1st birthday and we've seen very little of him since then. I go to see an addictions councellor once a week, she is lovely but sometimes I feel she doesn't challenge me enough, force me to think or face difficult issues/moments in my past. She sais she doesnt think Im ready to stop taking drugs, simply because Ive no desire too. Alot of the time I lie to her about my drug use because Im embarrassed to tell her how much I really use. Nearly every Saturday I go into town with my friend and her boyfriend and we split the cost of enough to last the rest of the weekend. Then I do that again on monday or tuesday and again on wed/thurs. if I dont have the money every time I just buy a single bag or two and make it last. Things have been going on like that for a while now, since before the split up. I think probably since the new year.
The reason Im here now is because something strange happened to me this weekend. I was thinking about going into town last night (friday night) and two thoughts made me decide not to. 1.the money I have now has to last me until a week on monday which seems like a long way away right now and 2. i couldnt face the idea of variously hanging around town all day, forcing my son to sit in his buggy all day, being treated like a second class citizen by the girl I called my "friend" earlier ( Ive recently realised that this girl is pretty much incapable of being a good friend to anyone-she had a strange, mostly bad childhood which has left her tough, mean, selfish, unbeleivably self-centred, constantly on the attack, on the defensive. She has no other female friends and I think she realises that even our shallow "friendship" is based solely on our mutual love of gear. Friendship of convenience.) I just couldnt stand the idea of putting myself and, more importantly, my son through that all day. I have never felt like that before. the means has always justified the end. always. What Im wondering now though is does this possibly mean anything? A slight shift in my mental need for gear? I mean I know I need it physicaly too, but I have and always have had my methadone to satisfy the physical need. What do others think? What should I do next? Or am I just blowing a lazy moment on a friday night out of all proportion?!! Thank you for taking them time to read my post. xx

ps I just read back over my post and I realise I sound like a judgemental, know it all, wannabee psychologist in describing my "friend". I realise I too am far from perfect, and while I know I ask to be treated badly by meeting her every weekend, I also feel I must be honest here. I think it sais more about me, that I am willing to expose myself to that sort of person just to get my drug, than anything>
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GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!!!
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what i tsounds like is u had a moment of clarity....run with it........only takes a decision to give it a chance.........plus u r ahead of the game having a support system with your addictions counsellor..good luck to u whatever you decide
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Pixie,
WOW.....Guest Too beat me to the punch.....WELCOME! Give yourself a chance was the line that brought me out of herion addiction and has kept me clean for 6yrs! And to that commitment and a will to live and you will be set free.
All the best to you!
Darin
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very odd that guest too would mutter those words...
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Moment of clarity, we get those once in a while, usually by the time we are unable to pick up we are regretting them, sometimes they save your life.

the girl you described may not be such a bad person after all, she is suffering internally the same way you are, she is addicted to heroin after all isn't she? Masking internal pain? You say that she has no real friends, and a has had a terrible childhood, maybe she is so defensive because she cannot meet anyone that she can trust? Just something to think about. An active user is not someone to keep company with if you are planning to get sober...

you say you have a 14mnth old son? I am the product of parental heroin addiction, alot of the reasons i turned to heroin where because of my mothers heroin addiction. Do it for your son if no one else.
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i too have a son on his 14th birthday i overdosed and was dead for the second time and was brought back! have you ever noticed there are no old herion addicts?please take this moment of clearity and run with it.do it for yourself first and then your son.the reason i say do it for yourself is to stay cleaan!
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Hi mate. I to have a son, he is 8 now, and had it not been for my own mum, in all honesty I probably would of lost him. All the time you are beating yourself up over your son and you using you will not get clean, I have just started my methadone script a few month ago, and have had quite a few relapses since doing so, it has taken me ages to realise how much hard work it is being on the gear, and by the looks of it you are seeing it for what it is now. It aint a good idea to try to stop using if you are still having it with other users, that has been a big problem for me, and I have definitly used because of being around others, when had I not been around these people I would probably not have used, but on the other hand I have also used because I wanted to. As you say you have your meth, so you aint gonna cluck love, so just try and have a day off, if that is what you really want to do, and take it from there. You are lucky that your son is so young, if you try now he might not remember much, and you will enjoy your time together so much more, I am gutted when I think about what I missed with my own son, but now it is like starting over again, and I am enjoying every minute we have, he is so funny, I did'nt laugh much when I was on the gear!
just take it one day at a time and see how you go, keep posting on here, I have found it to be a huge help for me. Good luck mate, and take care.
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Welcome to the board. Search around a bit,you will see that any issue you have had during your addiction, soneone here has had it & worked through it. Or at least got it off thier chest.

peace,
jack