I'll try to keep this brief.
I've been in a long term, on again off again relationship with a recovering cross-addicted alcoholic for around 8 years. There were periods where we weren't "together" for various reasons, but love has never been the issue.
5 years ago he did a horrible thing while blackout drunk. He went to prison for 3 years. He's been (supposedly) sober ever since he went in. He participated in an intensive drug and alcohol rehab while in prison. I believed his thinking, not just his actions, had changed.
We recently decided to take some steps forward in our relationship. He's transferring his job and moving near where I live. We want to live together, but my children (2), especially my oldest, aren't ready for that yet. He isn't happy about that, but willing to deal.
A couple of weeks ago he called me on a Friday night. I thought he sounded a little odd, but I didn't say anything. This past Friday night he called and I noticed the same things. He sounded slightly slurry, petulant, and said a few odd things. I called him on it. He told me he wasn't drinking or using. Told me he didn't know where I got that he sounded "off". (Crazymaking? Dunno)
We talked and he admitted that he needs to go to meetings but it's hard because he doesn't have his own transportation. He admitted he thinks about drinking every day, but claims he's not stupid enough to give up what we have, and his 4+ years of sobriety.
Today I checked our shared bank account. He spent $42 and change at a place called biningers drive thru. I didn't recognize it, so I googled it. It's a liquor store. I called him on it. He says he got food there and cash out. I told him he's expecting me to believe an awful lot of coincidences. I said you really expect me to believe that on a night that I suspected you had been drinking, you went to a liquor store, and bought food and took cash out?
He agreed that he knew how it looked, but that was really what happened, and that he had not been drinking. He also agreed that he has been exhibiting old behaviors, and that going into a liquor store was probably part of that.
In the old nightmare days he would do and say what he thought would keep him out of trouble. He lied to me so much.
I just can't bring myself to believe him now. Not about this amazing string of coincidences. I want to. I can't.
I'm trying to figure out where the line should be drawn. I find myself wanting to look at his receipt. I find myself wanting to look at his phone to see what conversations he's been having with people in his support groups. I find myself wanting to give him drug tests, even though I don't think he's been using drugs, just drinking. He gets regular drug tests when he goes to his probation officer, so he wouldn't risk that. Alcohol doesn't stay in the system though, there's no real way to test for it. I find myself desperately wanting him to just admit to me that he's been drinking, but I don't think he will. He knows that if he drinks again, we can't take the steps forward that we're planning to take.
I wonder if what's going through his mind is that it was a one time thing, and he can keep it from me, and it'll never happen again. That's probably not true, but that's what's in his mind. He probably thinks that if he tells me, everything will be ruined, but if he can keep it from me, then everything will be fine.
How far should I push to get the truth? Where should the boundaries be? I have trouble with this. I feel like I should be able to trust him, but at the same time he should be transparent with me.
He seems to expect trust from me without transparency on his part.
I'm tearing myself up inside. My stomach is in knots, I can't sleep. I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow, and I just don't know if it's a good idea. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my book.
I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through.
I am not sure why you feel like you can trust this person.
It is not guaranteed that he has totally changed in prison.
If he sounded off and spent money at that liquor place then he is probably drinking again.
Sorry to say this but how is it possible to trust those who are addicted.
I can't tell you the creativity I have seen in the addict that lives with us.
I am amazed at the lies he comes up with.
I am always worried when I hear stories such as yours.
I always feel like saying please stay away and do not take chances.
I hope that you make the right decision. You know the risks that you are taking.
I am not in your shoes but from the outside I would stay away from that person and would not give them a second chance.
I have been half destroyed by letting an addict into our home. That addict happens to be my so called brother.
Hell is the only word I can use to describe the experience of having him around.
So because of this horrible experience I will never help or trust someone who has an addiction and would do my best to stay away from them.
So this is my experience and this is how I look at things.
I wish you all the best.
I am not sure why you feel like you can trust this person.
It is not guaranteed that he has totally changed in prison.
If he sounded off and spent money at that liquor place then he is probably drinking again.
Sorry to say this but how is it possible to trust those who are addicted.
I can't tell you the creativity I have seen in the addict that lives with us.
I am amazed at the lies he comes up with.
I am always worried when I hear stories such as yours.
I always feel like saying please stay away and do not take chances.
I hope that you make the right decision. You know the risks that you are taking.
I am not in your shoes but from the outside I would stay away from that person and would not give them a second chance.
I have been half destroyed by letting an addict into our home. That addict happens to be my so called brother.
Hell is the only word I can use to describe the experience of having him around.
So because of this horrible experience I will never help or trust someone who has an addiction and would do my best to stay away from them.
So this is my experience and this is how I look at things.
I wish you all the best.
hi , i am sorry you are facing this dilemma, i would be coming from the opposite perspective than that of Krista- i am a recovering alcoholic, however i would agree with Krista in this case. i would say that the behaviour displayed by your partner does not lend itself to earning your trust. it could best be described as foolish, if it is as claimed an innocent coincidence that your partner went to a liquor store to buy food and obtain cash - he must have known that this could leave him open to being under suspicion of buying liquor-knowing what i know of the deceit engaged in by many alcoholics and drug users when using (including myself) i would advise that you ere on the side of caution before making any major decision regarding your future- you must put yourself and your family first- especially if this guy is using and lying about it, that makes it an even bigger problem- if your partner is drinking and lying about it you are going to have a major trust issue in the future- you could never trust him again- that doubt would always be there - you would be better getting out of there now - you cant fix him- its not your responsibility- no addict can expect to have the trust of a loved one without putting in alot of time and effort over a long period of time- trust has to be earned -the behaviour demonstrated by your partner is far from ideal in this respect- you do not need to be involved with someone in active addiction - its a whole world of pain - i hope you make the right decision for YOU and not based on a false promise or misplaced loyalty- best of luck.
