How u doin?
I'm away for a few days now. I hope all's well with you.
Martin
Hi Martin,
Thanks for asking. I'm ok sort of. Still reeling from all my delusions and illusions about life being shattered and coming to terms with the fact that I don't know anything. I've been away for a few days myself - working. Good to get away for a bit actually. Hope your time away is / was grand!
Lacey.
Thanks for asking. I'm ok sort of. Still reeling from all my delusions and illusions about life being shattered and coming to terms with the fact that I don't know anything. I've been away for a few days myself - working. Good to get away for a bit actually. Hope your time away is / was grand!
Lacey.
"Coming to terms with the fact i dont no anything" whatever lacey.
its good to hear your fit for work thats progress init? keep your chin up.
its/your worth it.
its good to hear your fit for work thats progress init? keep your chin up.
its/your worth it.
Hi Lacey,
How are you doing today? I said a special prayer for you this morning and I'm hoping you are finding a bit more peace......
xoxo
Stacey
How are you doing today? I said a special prayer for you this morning and I'm hoping you are finding a bit more peace......
xoxo
Stacey
Hi Lacey,
I don't want to sound glib or minimise any distress you might be feeling (I was suicidal at times when I realised I'd been lying to myself all my life), but....it really is progress....you can read about this in many places...email me if you like.....a spiritual awakening begins with the realisation that we are not who we thought we are. That's one of the reasons some of us drink....to try to numb the feelings of being fake or otherwise "wrong"....that's why we have to hit rock bottom and "give up" on ourselves....because the selves we think we are aren't who we realy are, and recognising that can be so distressing (anxiety, terror etc) that we cling like mad to the false self....and continue to self-medicate....until we just can't....and then our HP steps into the void - if invited and welcomed - and holds us up until we find ourselves.
I'm not speaking for everyone or anyone, just relaying my experience and what anyone can learn on the web and elsewhere.
So many people never realise they're lying to themselves, and I don't mean just alcoholics....you're shedding a skin and getting to a deeper truth and a clearer vision of who you are and how you want to be....of course from that perspective there's guilt/shame at some old behaviours, incredible doubt and anxiety AND some grief at not having the breakthrough before....but God decides, not us.....and it sounds to me like your time is now.....so trust your HP, surround yourself with loving and supportive people and trust the process....the 12 steps are one solid path to a new you....and continuing to read Jung and others helped reassure me that there IS a map to this territory and it leads towards the light.
Best,
Martin
I don't want to sound glib or minimise any distress you might be feeling (I was suicidal at times when I realised I'd been lying to myself all my life), but....it really is progress....you can read about this in many places...email me if you like.....a spiritual awakening begins with the realisation that we are not who we thought we are. That's one of the reasons some of us drink....to try to numb the feelings of being fake or otherwise "wrong"....that's why we have to hit rock bottom and "give up" on ourselves....because the selves we think we are aren't who we realy are, and recognising that can be so distressing (anxiety, terror etc) that we cling like mad to the false self....and continue to self-medicate....until we just can't....and then our HP steps into the void - if invited and welcomed - and holds us up until we find ourselves.
I'm not speaking for everyone or anyone, just relaying my experience and what anyone can learn on the web and elsewhere.
So many people never realise they're lying to themselves, and I don't mean just alcoholics....you're shedding a skin and getting to a deeper truth and a clearer vision of who you are and how you want to be....of course from that perspective there's guilt/shame at some old behaviours, incredible doubt and anxiety AND some grief at not having the breakthrough before....but God decides, not us.....and it sounds to me like your time is now.....so trust your HP, surround yourself with loving and supportive people and trust the process....the 12 steps are one solid path to a new you....and continuing to read Jung and others helped reassure me that there IS a map to this territory and it leads towards the light.
Best,
Martin
Hi Martin,
Yes, it certainly does feel like shedding my skin. I like what you are saying and hope that this is what is happening. I have certainly felt suicidal, the only reason I wouldn't go down that route is because it's not fair on my family. I had lost all my faith in life, in everything - especially myself. The things I thought were set in stone have been torn down and left this depressed wreck of a person exposed. I have come painfully face to face with my monumental delusions. I've felt sick at seeing directly how selfish I am. In horror I have looked at the way I was conducting my life and how it all revolved around me, my delusions and this huge wall of denial.
It seems as though my worst nightmare has had to come true to shake me out of my stupor and wake me up. Well, I suppose it doesn't come easily does it.
I am finally starting to feel a glimmer of peace. I guess the dust is starting to settle.
Yes, it certainly does feel like shedding my skin. I like what you are saying and hope that this is what is happening. I have certainly felt suicidal, the only reason I wouldn't go down that route is because it's not fair on my family. I had lost all my faith in life, in everything - especially myself. The things I thought were set in stone have been torn down and left this depressed wreck of a person exposed. I have come painfully face to face with my monumental delusions. I've felt sick at seeing directly how selfish I am. In horror I have looked at the way I was conducting my life and how it all revolved around me, my delusions and this huge wall of denial.
It seems as though my worst nightmare has had to come true to shake me out of my stupor and wake me up. Well, I suppose it doesn't come easily does it.
I am finally starting to feel a glimmer of peace. I guess the dust is starting to settle.
I hope so Lacey. I think we're all always doing the best we can at the time. When I think about it I can't imagine having a spiritual awakening that doesn't involve experiencing deep remorse at previous decisions and genuine grief at not having been more aware before - and at all the time wasted. Could it be a real awakening otherwise? What would have changed in us if our perspective wasn't fundamentally different after an awakening? That's bound to be seriously challenging, isn't it? And I hope that from a place closer to my HP I can find compassion and forgiveness for myself as well as for others - because I don't imagine I'm beyond hurting others or making mistakes now anymore than I was before. Hopefully they'll be different mistakes, but thay might well look as foolish and regrettable - or even more so - from a more enlightened perspective than the one I currently have. I guess I might be getting to a place where I accept that everything that happened HAD to happen for me to be me and where I am, which is precisely where my HP wants me to be right now. I am a privileged passenger, not the driver....
For a long while when the storm broke around me I knew that even my children weren't a reason for me to stay alive.... but thankfully they were a reason not to kill myself. Then one day I realised that even that wasn't true anymore. I had to want to live for me - although I didn't know how because I didn't know who I was anymore.....I think in the end, and at a level I didn't even access, I wanted to give the dead child inside me a chance at a life he'd never had. And the real me is gradually growing to fill the void at the centre of my being. Thank God.
I called The Samaritans today to talk about how I was feeling. Something happened yesterday that troubled me and whilst I can sit with things and let them flow this thing stayed with me. I reflected now and again over the course of a few hours and eventually I knew the next right thing for me to do was talk to another human being about it. I know that paying attention to my feelings and listening to my HP stops me from sliding back into the dark....I think it sends a signal to myself that I really care about me.....the child inside who'd been sacrificed on the altar of others' needs and desires and dreams.
The Samaritans are always there and they are wonderful. You'll see from their website that they are not there only for the suicidal.
http://www.samaritans.org/
08457 90 90 90
Take good care of yourself,
Love,
Martin
ps...and of course, in a way, I needed to die....the person I was needed to die, I needed to lay him to rest....and let the real me be born....For me, the answer was to retire him, with gratitude and respect for getting me through life the best he knew how....for being my HP's way of getting me here.....it is an ending so that there may be a beginning.
One of my gifts today was two butterflies dancing in the air together to the music on my iPod. They fluttered and flirted and swayed and sparkled in the air around me, all around me, for ten minutes.....caterpillars to butterflies Lacey.....a little death, a kind of death, a definite rebirth....and then we all dance in the air above the abyss....
For a long while when the storm broke around me I knew that even my children weren't a reason for me to stay alive.... but thankfully they were a reason not to kill myself. Then one day I realised that even that wasn't true anymore. I had to want to live for me - although I didn't know how because I didn't know who I was anymore.....I think in the end, and at a level I didn't even access, I wanted to give the dead child inside me a chance at a life he'd never had. And the real me is gradually growing to fill the void at the centre of my being. Thank God.
I called The Samaritans today to talk about how I was feeling. Something happened yesterday that troubled me and whilst I can sit with things and let them flow this thing stayed with me. I reflected now and again over the course of a few hours and eventually I knew the next right thing for me to do was talk to another human being about it. I know that paying attention to my feelings and listening to my HP stops me from sliding back into the dark....I think it sends a signal to myself that I really care about me.....the child inside who'd been sacrificed on the altar of others' needs and desires and dreams.
The Samaritans are always there and they are wonderful. You'll see from their website that they are not there only for the suicidal.
http://www.samaritans.org/
08457 90 90 90
Take good care of yourself,
Love,
Martin
ps...and of course, in a way, I needed to die....the person I was needed to die, I needed to lay him to rest....and let the real me be born....For me, the answer was to retire him, with gratitude and respect for getting me through life the best he knew how....for being my HP's way of getting me here.....it is an ending so that there may be a beginning.
One of my gifts today was two butterflies dancing in the air together to the music on my iPod. They fluttered and flirted and swayed and sparkled in the air around me, all around me, for ten minutes.....caterpillars to butterflies Lacey.....a little death, a kind of death, a definite rebirth....and then we all dance in the air above the abyss....
What an inspiring and honest post. It made me feel better. I relate to it all to well. It's almost to easy to understand.
Thank You
Thank You
Indeed. Thanks Martin. Everything you are saying to me at the moment is really helpful, and I appreciate every word.
Thanks for the link to the samaritans website. I might just give them a call. I did once years ago and they were really helpful - it's just the listening ear that does it isn't it. My mom used to be a samaritan actually. I always really admired her doing that, especially the night shift she had to do once a month. Being someone with a very regular routine she found the night shift hard but did it nevertheless for years. What a great act of kindness.
So anyway, yes I can relate to the old you having to die for the new you to be reborn. Must say I ddn't know the old you, but the new you looks great on ya!
Thanks for the link to the samaritans website. I might just give them a call. I did once years ago and they were really helpful - it's just the listening ear that does it isn't it. My mom used to be a samaritan actually. I always really admired her doing that, especially the night shift she had to do once a month. Being someone with a very regular routine she found the night shift hard but did it nevertheless for years. What a great act of kindness.
So anyway, yes I can relate to the old you having to die for the new you to be reborn. Must say I ddn't know the old you, but the new you looks great on ya!
A beautiful post Martin. Hi Lacey how ya doing? Hope things have improved for you. This recovery business is somethin else aint it? lol Just know that you are never alone. Take care and God bless and enjoy your music because it can soothe the soul like no amount of alcohol can.
Caterpillars to butterflies......pretty cool Martin and Lacey allow the sun to warm and strengthen your wings and out of a lot of pain comes renewal as long as i give my body and mind time to recover and focuss before i head down the next track in my recovery
light and love zac
light and love zac
