Him Or The Addict?

KittyKat,

How is your hair? How did things work out for you last night? If it is only going to happen tonight - sorry but I get mixed up with the time zones.

Also I have a question for you and for others of you stuck in this predicament.

Say for whatever reason your boyfriend/husband/significant other decided to clean up and go to rehab....would you take him back after everything?

I ask this only because I wonder constantly. I posted something similar before but my question really is can you seperate your bf. from the addict?

I have no dobt that I want my husband out of this hell, that I would do whatever I could, drive anywhere, get the money, spend time with him...whatever it would take to get him well, but I do not know if I could ever rebuild my life with him again. I wonder how long it would be before I would even trust him to be in the bathroom alone for more than 1 minute and a half, you know. Would I turn into the mad control freak I became when I found out?

What about the lying and the deceiving, the being able to totally put me down remorselessly just to protect his habbit or himself or whatever it is that makes them so bloody mean? Did he start using because the life he had with me was not enough, or did it all end because he was using?

Could he honestly care about anything anymore?
My boyfriend is cleaning up and has been since weve been together. It was only recently when he relapsed that I found this site. I went through hell, all the feelings everyone on here talks about. Checking his pockets, the bin, cupboards. Wondering where he was, hearing that horrible sound of foil, the lies and arguments and feeling worthless.

Now he's back on track going to meetings and is sober just on medication. For me its different than you as he stopped when things got to out of control, he didnt total go to rock bottom he pulled himself back. He's been an addict for about 10 years now and really wants to get clean. But to your question can you trust them? Im scared of what might happen and if it will happen again. I pray he sticks with it because I dont think I could go through it all again. But for the moment I see how happy he is and how sober he is and we're laughing and joking around together and he talks to me about his progress and his meetings and I know hes not using. The same way you know they are using(although they say they are not) you also no they arent using! Ive got my boyfriend back! I just hope it stays that way.

And none of what happened to you is your fault, he chooses to use. Its nothing to do with you. My bf said to me recently in an argument your not going to make me use again. I said "you what, how dare you blame me" and afterwards we talked about it and he said sorry and that it wouldnt be my fault as at the end of the day its down to him. Thats what he's learning, how to deal with his problems, and not to be selfish.

We all wish we could take a magic pill to get rid of lifes problems but we dont we choose to face life and all its s***. Just think if you gave in to everything! Where would your little boy be now! Your husband might take a long time to realize he has to face up to his problems. But when he is on track 100% you will know as he'll be back to the man you married and the father of your son.

Hope helps

Wheres Kittycat????

YOU OK Kittycat?
I'm still working on the trust issues that I have with my boyfriend, but it is getting easier. But that's also because he's being truthful with me (I hope!) and there are no other signs of relapse, etc.
It takes time, that's for sure. And they have to earn that trust back.
Whether or not you will be able to build a life with him again is not something anyone can answer but yourself.
This has changed you and made you grow which is a good thing. Was your husband mean and/or controlling before he started using? Will he ever be at the same place as you again?
From what you have described of him, it sounds like he has to do a lot of growing and introspection himself before he can commit into your relationship again. And he hasn't even admitted that he has a problem yet.
I am learning to let go of the controlling and the obsessing I have about his addiction and fear of his relapse. It's getting better and making me feel better. A lot of this advice I took from Misty and Bob B.'s posts. They are very good and if you really apply them, they seem to work. At least they did for me.
Have you tried any counselling for yourself and/or Alanon/Naranon?
Just a thought.
Hope you are having a good day!
Take care,
Mickey
Hello charlynewcomer and Helena,

I'm doing alright today. I did go get my hair done and I love it! He did end up coming over after as he "missed me so much and was sorry". We got along for the most part except when he felt the need to bring up how I've called him a crackhead in fights (well thats what he is) so he called me a Paxil popper. Ummm ya, how is that even relevant? For one, I only went on it for my panic attacks, I took it as the doctor prescribed, never more, and I have gone off of it a few months ago as I felt I didn't need it anymore, so if I was a Paxil popper wouldn't I still be taking them and taking more than I need to? Does anyone elses addict do this to them? Accuse them of something like that or if I take a aspirin for a headache which I do once a month he makes a comment like "oh look whose popping pills!" Or If I go out drinking with my friends and I only drink maybe 6 times a year I get accused of being an alcoholic. Why does he do this to make himself feel better? He knows i'm clean! Oh ya and because I've tried Meth (3 whole times in my life) I'm a methwhore!

You're right Charly, I don't know, if he got cleaned up would he still talk like this to me? Could I ever separate him from boyfriend and addict? I don't know if I could. I've heard of people getting clean then relapsing years later!

But when he's clean, he still acts like an a--hole, he says the stupidest, things, like something a grade two kid would say, I don't know if this has to do with his addiction or his ADHD or if this is just the way he is?

Hello CharlieNewComer, Mickey, Helena, and Kittycat

At the present time, I don't want to go back with my boyfriend. Even though he was the sweetest, most affectionate, and loving person I have ever known, I don't think I can deal with always wondering - even years down the road - if or when he is going to relapse. I just don't want to take the pain and heartache, disappointment it brings. I have been through this with him for 6 years. He has always done the same thing. Go to rehab, get better, get out and be good for a little while, mess up a few times, then the times get closer and closer together until he finally ends up back in rehab again (or jail). He owes so many people so much money and I don't see him ever getting out of the holes he has dug for himself financially. The people he works with no longer trust him and I get the feeling they are probably going to fire him as soon as he is through with rehab. Maybe they won't - and he will still have a job for a while, but he has broken his trust with them as well. I know life is a gamble and trust is something a person earns, I think I have been through so much with him that I just need to heal my own self esteem before I get involved with anyone. At this point, I don't even want the aggravation of a relationship. Just want to take care of me. Guess I am licking my wounds. I may change my mind one day, but this is the way I feel now. I don't want to deal with anybody who has ever had a drug or alcohol problem ever again!!
Cajungirl, I'm glad you feel this way! Sounds like you are handling this well and getting stronger. You deserve to just take time for yourself right now. You described the cycle perfectly, rehab--be good for awhile--mess up--binge--jail
I've only seen him in rehab once, but he's tried a few times before we met. He's been in jail once since we've been together, but a couple of times before me. He's had many court dates and gotten slaps on the wrist since I've known him, he owes a lot of people money. When I hit my rock bottom with him, I am NEVER going to date an addict or alcoholic ever again! As soon as I find out the next guy has a problem like that, I am going to RUN no matter how sweet he is otherwise!
Good for you Cajungirl!
This is for those of you that have been dating addicts or alcoholics. Look deep inside of yourself and take a hones and personal inventory . There is a reason that we were attracted to these people. Most of the time the answer lies with ourselves. Maybe there are issues from childhood or as they call it "family of origin". I can't answer those things for you but if you want to make better choices you must answer those questions for yourself. If not the odds are you will have the same problem just with a different face.
Thanks Laenger, and that is why I have an appointment with a counselor on thursday this week. I don't want to get rid of one problem and find myself in a similar situation!
Yes, I have been married three times and all have had some sort of drug problem! I have a lot of alcoholics in my past and have always felt somewhat comfortable in the company of people who were not "good". I am no angel, but I don't do drugs. I like to have a drink sometimes, though, and I know if I am with someone in recovery, that is not good for them to be around. I just would like to find someone like myself, however, it has been my experience that most men are all or nothing - even if they drink - it seems they go all out at it! I need a happy medium. Don't know if I will ever find it and not even really interested in looking, as I said. Kittycat, I hope you will find the strength to move on. I am probably having some sort of delayed reaction with my grief. So far, I just still feel relieved to be out of the stress and worry! That is why I stay on here, I am waiting for the grief part to set in - I know it is coming as I have been through it before with him. Maybe, it won't be so bad this time. I hope so! Keep letting us know how you are doing!
I'm at the stage right now where i dont think i can ever separate my partner from the addict. Yes he's still clean but there has been so many times where i thought this is it - he wont use again after months of staying clean. But the fact is he has not been able to stay away from that lifestyle. Its not even the company he keeps, his circle of friends. When he uses its on his own.
I'm finding things really tough right now. I'm not sure if i can go through another relapse again. I have'nt seen him at all today, and his brother came up earlier and asked me if he looked a bit dodgy?? He wasn't sure if he'd maybe been using again but i'll not know now because he's moved back in with his mum so he'll never be here. When he's here i know if he has or not. But i dont want to go back to where you are kittycat - wondering all the time whether he has or not.
Well i've just came off the phone to him and it sounds like he has, i can always tell like you kittycat. I just feel like crying right now. Why why why??? I cant do this anymore.
LAENGR

I am not an agel, by any means. I love to go out and get good and drunk once in a while - I find it necessary to cleanse the system, you know - but never in a million years would I ever get together with a drug addict knowingly. Untill I saw his tin foil with the burn marks I had never seen anything except a Bong or spliff in college. I have never had the curiosity to know what it is like to be high and it is a world that honetly scares the s**t out of me.

It is only now that his family have mentioned to me that he had a heroin problem in his late teens and early twenties, but that he seemed to crawl out of it on his own so they just left it alone! He told me he had tried it - just tried

My mind keeps racing back to think about whether he ever really did quit or if I just did nt know what was going on. What has stuck in my mind is that he had a great job and was making good money - but it was always very very tight at the end of the month. I would sit down and go over what we had spent and I could never account for all the money. But it never ever occured to me - The other thing is that our marriage started cracking a good 1 yr. 1/2 before I even suspected. We had huge fights over nothing most of the time. But that is when he started to get very selfish, and I started to feel that he would rather be single than married and that he just wanted to be out doing his own thing. That is when he started "bullying" me and pulling lines like your bf. KittyKat - if we went out and I came home drunk (and I dont mean even throwing up or passing out) he would chime on all the way home about what a mother I was....he would say it jokingly...but also in a way that would disturb me...I think it allows them to tell themselves they are no different from you and me...we just think we are, but then look at us, you know

I wonder if this is something that has been there for years and has only deteriorated over this last year? I know that once in a while when we went out with friends that he would go and get stoned - but I thougt it was pot and even then I would give him the evil eye and tell him I hated it. Guess it was a good laugh on me because I have come to find out through his friends that it really was nt pot now - was it!

He was never mean like this before - I swear he worshiped me! He was my biggest fan, and so understanding and patient. As you may be able to tell from some of these posts I am straight as an arrow and I dont like to be wild - I guess he shook me up a little and showed me that it was ok to let loose and break some rules...on the weekend..

i am totally babling....sorry
CharleyNewComer,

I understand what you are saying. Counseling has taught me that there are no mistakes we subconsiously or consiously make choice that place us with our partners. I am just saying most of the time we don't recognize the "Whys" and how it serves an inner need within ourselves. It is really scary when we begin to see the patterns and what our part in it is. I never would have chosen to be married to an addict. And when we married my wife was straight as an arrow,. Now she is an addict whose drug of choice was Loritab. She never intended to become an addict but she had the biological part that made her it easier to become addicted. Plus she grew up in an alcoholic home and never recieved the nuturing as a child which has led her to live a secret life in which she always did not feel good about herself.
This a woman that is absolutely beautiful, great body, perfect skin, educated, extremely intelligent and everything going for her. But she has never dealt with what was inside , she just stuffed it down until she could not do it anymore. Then she turned to Loritab beong an RN she had a ready supply at work. The rest you know from my other posts. But I see how I played a part in all of this How we came together and each other balanced the other. I have to accept and own my part in all of this. Basically what I have learned is we are with the people we are with for a reason and many time we don't recognize those reasons until a therapist puts it in our face. Now I see it. Good luck with your self and have faith that God will see you through this just do what your part is and give the rest to God. He will take care of you and me.
Thanks
Jo7,

I'm so sorry about you finding out your boyfriend has relapsed again! Just like your boyfriend, mine moved back to his moms too and so I really never know if he's high or not except when I talk to him on the phone. How are things now?

Charly,

I do agree, I think sometimes my bf calls me those names (alcoholic, pill popper, etc) to make himself feel better because then he thinks I too have a problem. And I know deep down he knows that I don't have a problem. We all had to have drug tests taken here at work and I was clean, and so that cut back on his insults!

I don't know what to do anymore, when he's high on crack when I talk to him on the phone, should I keep answering his calls or should I just hang up and turn the ringer off? If I turn the ringer off then I don't want him thinking I went out to cheat on him. Thats his main concern! One night last year when he was drunk (I'd rather he do crack than drink, he gets violent drunk) he slapped me. I found another way home after I scratched up his face pretty good and after I got him his concern wasn't Are you alright? I'm sorry for slapping you! His only concern was, did you cheat on me?
Its quite alright for him to pull disappearing acts and not call but if I do it, I MUST be cheating and he won't let me forget about it, in fact he threatens to get me back!
So I don't know what to do! If I answer his calls, I feel like I'm enabling him somehow.
KittyKat,

It is so hard to know what to do and to start the whole process of letting go.

I would probably not turn the ringer off - just because he may not understand. I would keep doing what you did yesterday which is to say you have other plans - one day its your hair appointment the next you are meeting your friends after work, the next you have to go to the Doctor and just keep finding excuses until he asks you if you are avoiding him at which point you tell him that yes you feel that the relationship is really not headed where you need it to to be heading and that you need some time alone to think. If he flies off the handle just be calm and say it doesnt mean you are leaving him, just as you said you need some time alone.

Think about Bob B post about enablers and how you dont want to be mean or belittle him, or give him the chance to argue about something else - like if you say you think hes relapsed and you cant handle it, he will tell you your paranoid and a liar or something - but he will argue, turn things around on you and will keep you fighting but keep you around. If you dont mention any of it, you wont give him a reason to fight.

You yourself are changing alot kittykat and that s a FANTASTIC start - it s all you really need...and a dose of courage I know.

Good LUCK
Thanks Charly, great advice!
I have realized that while I sit at home waiting by the phone while he does crack, he seems content and happy. Like he has the best of both worlds, then when he's done using, I'm there waiting for him to come over!!
But if I shut off the ringer, then he just accuses me of cheating and does more crack to numb that pain and I don't need that. But I noticed that when I make plans to do other things and not see him, it has a bigger effect on him. He's shocked that I could actually do something else other than see him when he wants!
That is what I will continue to do. Just keep making plans and refusing to see him. I have realized I can't help him anymore but now I have a new hope with going to see a counselor that I can at least help myself. You know, he actually doesn't want me to see a counselor? He says if you see a counselor they will tell you to leave me!
It's because he knows they are right in telling you to do that! But he still doesn't want to change or get help, so he wants you to not see the counsellor.
Keep seeing the counsellor. I had one too when I was ready to leave my ex. It helped a lot.
Peace,
Mickey
Mickey I hope this counselor will help me..anyways question...his probation officer called me and left a message on my machine, she wants to talk to me. I don't know why? I told my bf and he said if she asks if I've been doing crack, don't tell her.
So what should I say to her if she asks? I don't want to get into trouble but if I cover for him, perhaps I'll be making things worse? What do you think I should do if she asks me..which I have a feeling she will. He has upcoming court because he left a court ordered rehab when he was supposed to go to jail. He breached his conditional sentence and now he has to enter a plea tomorrow. He says not guilty..then it goes to trial, whenever that will be. I bet he'll be doing crack tonight, he always does when he's stressed before events like court! He said he'd sleep over tonight but now all of a sudden doesn't wonder, gee I wonder why..
Hi Kittycat i've just logged on and things are pretty s*** with me right now. He's just left (thank God) he was threatening to smash the house up again. I tried to get his house keys from him but he wouldn't give me them. Hopefully tomorrow i'll be a little stronger and make my point clear - i cant do this no more! Its been 3 years and there's kids involved!
The only reason he came up tonight is because i wouldn't answer the phone to him. My friend was in and she left - i hate the life i'm in right now!!! I've tried to be as reasonable as possible but he's so childlike - trying to invlove my 11 year old son in our arguments. Why are addicts so self involved? Right now i hate him so much and i never like to feel that emotion - its horrible and eats you up inside.
Jo7,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. He threatened to smash your house up? Sounds familiar, mine threatened to smash my new tv a while back. I have no idea why they are so self absorbed, its hard to say if they are like this due to their addiction or if it just comes out more because of their addiction?
I know what you mean about hating them, I hate mine sometimes too and I hate feeling that way.
Its harder when theres kids involved as in your situation..
I know what you mean by you hate your life right now, I hate mine too! I feel so trapped you know? Like I hate my life and its because of him but after I leave him, I hate my life anyways because I miss him! Miss what exactly???
Maybe if he goes to jail then I'll have some time to get used to not being around him but knowing my luck he won't, he seems to get all the breaks.
Anyways I hope your evening goes better...let me know what happens!
Mine did smash my new tv up just a few weeks ago. Mine's isn't long out of prison and i missed him so much. I was so scared that he'd relapse again when he was inside cos its so much easier to get drugs in prison than out here ( how messed up is that?) and he did exactly that. I just feel so tired of it all now - i used to think i would be the person to set him free from all his demons but now i feel (because this is what he tells me) that i am the cause of them....this just brings me down down down!!! I used to be such an outgoing person with a really heathly outlook on life but i just feel so negative now and it's just not me, you know? Thanks for listening it means so much xxJo